Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

As you guys know i broke down and cried a couple days ago about what was lost when i saw some pics of us. I'm no role model but i think this is normal to mourn the past.

 

NA it is ok to mourn the loss of the RS but all this stuff about what does she think, who is she dating ecetera is toxic. That part of it you need to give up or it will stifle your recovery.

 

My ex is gone and will never be in my life again. This is the only thing I'm certain of.

 

You need to get this part in your head.

[Hopeful714]

Lost- what did counselor say to help? I'm thinking of going. Did it make a big difference and why? How are you feeling. From one of you last posts you seem almost recovered. When did this happen?

 

Cav-As you know I went and saw a counselor. 2x now. I was supposed to go this weekend, but it gets expensive so I will wait another week till I go back.

 

Its hard to explain. You have a completely objective, trained and educated person to just talk to about stuff. At times I felt funny saying things...but I just plowed through it. When I left there and since I have been there, I do feel better and feel like I unloaded much out of my head and heart.

 

I won't bore you with the specifics, but he DID say things to me that I would think about later and it just helped me put things in a better perspective. If your considering going, I'd say give it a shot. Like I said, for me it felt good...and I do want to go back. I enjoyed it, and felt it helps.

 

NA-Don't look at facebook anymore. You know that. I think much of this has to do with all of us getting out and meeting someone new to occupy our thoughts and time. I'm slowly getting to that point...still doing a little work on me before I hit the dating scene again...glad its still winter..I want to be out and about, feeling/looking happy and great for summer!

[suladas]

And of course she is with someone else. This should be assumed. And if she isn't in committed RS she is getting laid by random guys on dates she goes out with. Just accept it. Cav

 

Lost- what did counselor say to help? I'm thinking of going. Did it make a big difference and why? How are you feeling. From one of you last posts you seem almost recovered. When did this happen?

 

It's good for him to think that, especially after being cheated on. For some reason, I can't face that reality with my ex. I am almost positive if I seen her with someone new i'd get really hurt and angry. I am just glad it is unlikely to be happening anytime soon.

[Simon Phoenix]

As you guys know i broke down and cried a couple days ago about what was lost when i saw some pics of us. I'm no role model but i think this is normal to mourn the past.

 

NA it is ok to mourn the loss of the RS but all this stuff about what does she think, who is she dating ecetera is toxic. That part of it you need to give up or it will stifle your recovery.

 

My ex is gone and will never be in my life again. This is the only thing I'm certain of.

 

You need to get this part in your head.

 

Yep, sadness is fine and normal. It's the "what does she think of me?" "I want her back (in his particular case)" "who is she dating?" "I need to apologize" s--t that needs to be taken out back and shot.

[Hopeful714]

"what does she think of me?"

 

I still struggle with this one at times too. Although I know it doesn't matter and I shouldn't care.

 

I'm guessing its remnants from the betrayal. Its like wow..that person seemed to want me yesterday and today they don't. What was it about me that changed their minds?

 

Its almost like you want them to find you attractive again and come begging so you can smack them down for what they did. Yikes...not healthy!

[na49]

My head is just up my ass today, I can't seem to focus on anything. I honestly wish I never had to hear anything about her life again. I've been pretty good about that and I could have got hurt even more if I looked at her page and actually saw her with someone. I have no interest in finding out who her new knight in shining armor is because that would do nothing for me. I'd be looking out for the guy on campus or if I saw him, it would be like getting my heart broken again.

 

The problem isn't getting rid of the thoughts. Now? I don't miss her at all. I don't want her at all. Then after a while of not wanting her and not missing her, it happens again. It's like a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to stop. Last week when I saw her for example. I saw her happy without me. I thought that was enough. I felt good. Then I have a day like today where it isn't enough and we all know what happens. Now I'm just pissed. Pissed at her. Pissed at me. Pissed at everything.

 

Usually I try to get busy doing something, I just have no motivation to do anything right now. I've already wasted the majority of my day when I was supposed to do some homework.

[LostOne1]

How many months are you guys into now?

 

I'm at about 8 months now I feel awesome. I mean it sucks at trying to find other girls and either not getting enough interest or not liking them at all.

 

But I have totally forgotten my ex. I don't even think of her much now or have any temptation to look at her FB. I think she's kinda old news for me now.

 

I guess this new girl I really like has totally changed how I feel. Sucks, because I'm starting to feel this new girl might not like me back.

 

But I don't know.. I just feel good about the relationship being over. But things that bug me is related to my motivation level. I want to do some new stuff, but don't have the energy to push myself yet. Guess I need to get rid of this lazyness within me.

 

I hate to see some of you guys like this... I mean I was there and I know how it sucked so much. But I dunno.. I think I'm finally over it and mostly, because I started getting out there. I soon realized I am an awesome guy and some girls out there see that and well sadly some don't. But I guess that's how it is as my friend said.. if you ask 10 girls out or talk to 10 if your lucky maybe 1 will work out.

 

My advice is to keep it going.. sooner or later some girl is going to make you weak in the knees like it did for me. And then you will know you are over your ex finally. It's a great feeling, but sucks if the new girl doesn't like you back or just gives you random signs. But at least I know I'll be okay.

 

Also I don't have that being alone forever feeling anymore. I finally feel content being along too at home now. I'd freak out thinking I'm alone and it will suck. But I finally am okay with being alone too like I was before I met my ex. So I suppose I'm about 90% healed now. The other 10% will heal when I'm finally dating again and with someone, who is more compatible than my ex and I were.

[na49]

I'm happy that you're doing better Lost. I really should try whatever you're doing. Any tips? We both see our exes, but you've been putting yourself out there and meeting new people. Also checking out the counseling center which I will check out. I don't have class until Wednesday so I need to find another place to put my head until then.

 

I'm 4 months post BU. Feels like it's been much more than that but the time has honestly flown by. I'm sure I'm a good catch for somebody, I'm not a good catch right now admittedly so. No one wants to date a miserable guy with no confidence or self respect. I'm working on it, today is just a bad example of that.

 

To think I thought I would be able to handle a casual friendship with her just a few days ago. To think I was able to make a joke about her with my friends and not feel anything just yesterday! I know it's a roller coaster of emotions, it's just kicking my @ss today.

[LostOne1]

Well what helped me was meeting other people.

 

All these people would compliment me or girls would tell me I am really sweet or something nice about me. it slowly made me realize there is nothing wrong with me... that hey if my ex isn't happy with me.. but there are OTHER people, who are happy with me.

 

I guess the feeling of YOU mattering in this world is part of what got me out. I finally felt some respect for my self. I finally realized I have all this potential and I always did, but this ex thing made me forget it all.

 

If you want to be over your ex.. be HAPPY for her. Accept she has found someone else and she's happy and smile for her. And then look at your own self and say I deserve some happiness like her too. And then smile for your own self and realize your an awesome guy and talk to lots of people. Start trying out hobbies you once loved and find new ones.

 

Take a nice long walk and breathe in the new fresh air, one that you never thought existed. But ironically it's the same air you always have been breathing, just that now you notice it for once.

 

Your halfway where I was and at 4 months I wasn't that great either. But in order to FEEL better you need to look better and you need to push yourself. This girl I liked, it pushed me to do sweet things again. eg. giving her a valentines day card etc.. It brought out my old side again and I gotta say it felt good. Yeah it might sucks if she doesn't want to be with me. But hey.. at least I have a loving side once again and now I just have a better view of what I want in a person.

[Hopeful714]

Wow...good for you! Again I think liking someone new makes all the difference.

 

I'm just shy of completing 6 months now. Labor day was the last day I saw him. Crazy how this time flew and I was in the ozone.

 

By the time I get to 8 months, I hope to be where your at. Weekly I do notice a difference. Again there's the occasional set-back but for the most part I do think I am experiencing slow on going progress.

 

I still think of him more than I'd like and sometimes wish the BU never happened because I miss the companionship, but I know the RS was toxic. Also I think it would be weird to see or talk to him. So awkward. I hope I never have to. Its better this way.

[cavalier99]

I'm happy that you're doing better Lost. I really should try whatever you're doing. Any tips? We both see our exes, but you've been putting yourself out there and meeting new people. Also checking out the counseling center which I will check out. I don't have class until Wednesday so I need to find another place to put my head until then.

 

I'm 4 months post BU. Feels like it's been much more than that but the time has honestly flown by. I'm sure I'm a good catch for somebody, I'm not a good catch right now admittedly so. No one wants to date a miserable guy with no confidence or self respect. I'm working on it, today is just a bad example of that.

 

To think I thought I would be able to handle a casual friendship with her just a few days ago. To think I was able to make a joke about her with my friends and not feel anything just yesterday! I know it's a roller coaster of emotions, it's just kicking my @ss today.

 

We just need more time man. 4 months isn't that much. NO FOOLIN said before 4 months is early on. I think now in the next few months is when we really start getting some perspective and distance. Doesn't mean we are going to be 100 percent better but a heck of a lot better than now.

 

Also do you remember the 1st month or so? The pure hell. Thank god that is over. I think we forget how bad it was. We need to be really grateful.

 

Right now your just dealing with some obsessive thoughts and self esteem issues. These will get better. These issues are nothing compared to the utter destruction of before. Be happy we have got this far. Cav

[LostOne1]

We just need more time man. 4 months isn't that much. NO FOOLIN said before 4 months is early on. I think now in the next few months is when we really start getting some perspective and distance. Doesn't mean we are going to be 100 percent better but a heck of a lot better than now.

 

Also do you remember the 1st month or so? The pure hell. Thank god that is over. I think we forget how bad it was. We need to be really grateful.

 

Right now your just dealing with some obsessive thoughts and self esteem issues. These will get better. These issues are nothing compared to the utter destruction of before. Be happy we have got this far. Cav

yeah wait till you get to where I am at... trust me it will feel a lot better. It won't be perfect, but you'll notice the change within you. And let me tell you it's an awesome feeling.

 

I feel like I have grown now and gained some new experiences. It just makes me feel better on top of that hitting the gym. I look at myself and finally see some good results. It shows to me that I am moving on and upgrading myself.

 

And lastly seeing a counsellor every week or every other week has made a HUGE change. I get so many amazing tips and help with anything that bugs me. And my counsellor always has some kinda of solution for me. I mean with girls.. **** I could barley talk to one. He taught me how to approach them, what to say, how to act etc.. I think most of my confidence came from what he taught me and how he hyped me up in my own mind.

[na49]

There's no doubt that I feel better than I did the first month. Today is just a really bad day for me. Any ideas on turning the page and not waking up tomorrow feeling the same way? Today is the worst I've had in a while so that's a plus. I hate how I lost the fight with these stupid thoughts though. I acted on a stupid urge and basically ruined my entire day.

[Simon Phoenix]

There's no doubt that I feel better than I did the first month. Today is just a really bad day for me. Any ideas on turning the page and not waking up tomorrow feeling the same way? Today is the worst I've had in a while so that's a plus. I hate how I lost the fight with these stupid thoughts though. I acted on a stupid urge and basically ruined my entire day.

 

You need to establish boundaries man. Like I said before, the sadness is normal, not a big thing, though frustrating. It's the groveling, the wanting her back, that crap that just makes you sound like a wuss.

[Hopeful714]

I find if I have a real bad day I just eat well, get to bed early and get a lot of sleep. When I get up the next day it seems like I am back to where I was if not a tad ahead of where I was before the set back.

[na49]

You need to establish boundaries man. Like I said before, the sadness is normal, not a big thing, though frustrating. It's the groveling, the wanting her back, that crap that just makes you sound like a wuss.

 

Well I don't want her back now. I want nothing to do with her. I've felt this way before. I've felt this way when I saw her last week. I've felt this way when I looked at her twitter a little over a month ago now. My biggest problem is when I don't feel this way. When I feel like I did earlier today where I feel like going over the edge will help me when it always hurts me.

 

I would love to hate her guts and not give a sh*t about her or who she's f*cking nowadays. When I'm not missing her, I'm hurting because of what she did to me.

[LostOne1]

Well I don't want her back now. I want nothing to do with her. I've felt this way before. I've felt this way when I saw her last week. I've felt this way when I looked at her twitter a little over a month ago now. My biggest problem is when I don't feel this way. When I feel like I did earlier today where I feel like going over the edge will help me when it always hurts me.

 

I would love to hate her guts and not give a sh*t about her or who she's f*cking nowadays. When I'm not missing her, I'm hurting because of what she did to me.

You have to accept man that there are CRUEL people out there. I've had my fair share of them through work as bosses, through bullies at school etc.. there is no difference from a bully or a terrible boss vs. an ex. They all are people we DEALT with, but we learned and move on.

 

I had one of my best friends back stab me. But you don't see me crying or whining about it anymore. In fact that friend ended up committing suicide about 8 years later.

 

Goes to show that people like us man will go through ****. Maybe we are too nice, BUT I don't let these other people get to me. Sure my ex screwed me over big time too, but I found a way to accept this is how life is.. it's NOT perfect as we see in the movies.

 

It's a hell hole one day and heaven the next. It's life and its ups and downs. Your young so you won't see things as well yet. Get to 25+ and you'll learn quite a lot by then

[na49]

I pushed myself out of bed this morning and told myself "I'm not having a day like yesterday" I can't sit here feeling sorry for myself because no one feels sorry for me. Or should feel sorry for me. These are my problems and I have to fix them myself. People will help me, but the won't do the work for me.

 

I actually had a few dreams about her last night. One of them we were sitting next to each other and she was just verbally abusing me saying stuff like "Go to therapy you freak" "You'll see me there" and then she did her high pitched laugh that she did. Then I sat there crying and wondering if there was anyone out there who understood me. I woke up from my dream ready to punch a hole in the wall because I was so pissed.

[destroyed4sho]

I had a dream last night too. She was sleeping on her bed with her eyes closed and I hugged her. She asked who is this? and I didn't answer. It felt so good and real. Then my dream ended. :-(

[na49]

I actually hate dreaming about my ex, it makes me more angry than sad. Of course it depends on what the dream is like. Most of the dreams about her lately have been negative.

 

This is probably obvious but I need to limit my time on here/the internet because when I spend the whole day reading threads about people talking to their exes it makes me want to talk to mine. I've been feeling better today even though I have to force myself. Sometimes I'm feeling these spurts of what I think is "indifference" where I say "I could handle friendship with her, I miss her so much. Who cares if she's f*cking someone else?" then I have to slap myself out of it and say "You're not fooling anyone, you still have feelings for this witch. Avoid her like the plague!"

[Bando89]

You know what I discovered? I'm speechless. My ex went one day to london with the ****er she is dating.

 

They left on saturday morning and returned on sunday morning. She even wrote him 'I know that I'm a tax, but my printer is broken, so you have to print these tickets. <3'

 

A HEART. A ****ING HEART.

 

My god I'm speechless, really man. Biggest shock ever. You date him less than two months and you go to london one day, a night of fire, like you are 15 years old? Like you never broke up? My god, my god...this is ridicolous! How ridicolous is she? She has to keep herself busy immediately or she will start thinking and her brain will explode. What did she say to her mother? I can't understand at all...

 

She immediately has to replace people in order to feel cushioned and loved. Then when she gets tired she'll throw him away as she always did. What a disgust.

[Simon Phoenix]

I actually hate dreaming about my ex, it makes me more angry than sad. Of course it depends on what the dream is like. Most of the dreams about her lately have been negative.

 

This is probably obvious but I need to limit my time on here/the internet because when I spend the whole day reading threads about people talking to their exes it makes me want to talk to mine. I've been feeling better today even though I have to force myself. Sometimes I'm feeling these spurts of what I think is "indifference" where I say "I could handle friendship with her, I miss her so much. Who cares if she's f*cking someone else?" then I have to slap myself out of it and say "You're not fooling anyone, you still have feelings for this witch. Avoid her like the plague!"

 

Your indifferent stage isn't indifferent at all, because you are still in the "I miss her so much" thing. Indifferent is where you don't care one iota about what she's doing or if you can be friends with her or if you can't. That's the stage where you just live your life and it doesn't matter if she pops back in it or not. Trust me, you aren't there.

 

And I'm not sure you actually read the threads where people discuss talking with their ex. 95 percent of those have the dumpee feeling worse or confused after the interaction. I don't think this site has negatively impacted your recovery at all -- in fact, it's probably prevented you from doing something really stupid.

 

But yeah, the fact that neither one of your mood stages involves completely exing her out of your life is telling. You just aren't there yet, even when you are indifferent you are still plotting to get her into your life in some respect. I don't f--king get it at all, but to each their own.

[na49]

Well I know that when I read the threads about people talking to their exes they are doing exactly what I shouldn't be doing. but for some reason it makes me want to self destruct and ruin my healing process. This site has definitely kept me sane. When I first joined I expected to get feedback to my first thread, and never come here again. Well, one hundred threads later here I am

 

It keeps me sane, but posting/lurking here too much does more bad than good for me. (maybe it's just sitting on the computer mindlessly for too long is what's doing it actually) I can't explain it, but reading other heartbreak stories about people who had mutual BU's with no cheating make me think that my BU was mutual and that I can fix my relationship with my ex. Ridiculous I know.

 

I wonder if I can ever be 100% indifferent towards her when I always run the risk of seeing her on campus and will deal with that as long as we both go to the same college. It would be so awkward going through college with her as my "enemy". Before going NC I wanted to be civil towards her because ignoring each other in class was so awkward. Obviously that didn't work very well though. We were close at one point, I wonder at times if the person/the way she is now is even someone I would WANT to be associated with. I think it's good that when I see her, I don't miss her as much as I just want to scream because of how angry she makes me. That dream I had last night pissed me the f*ck off

 

I guarantee I don't miss her as much as I miss being in a relationship with someone who I am really in love with. When I think of being in a relationship with someone I was really in love with, she's the only person who comes to mind because she's the only person I've dated.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think it's more because you seem to struggle to fill your schedule when you aren't at school. I think this site is a default place for you to go when you have nothing to do, but you have to figure out how to be active socially. You are young, this is your time to go out and explore and have fun and be stupid and do all of that s--t. And as far as your ex and the future, stop f--king thinking about what it should be or what it will be. You have no idea. Continue to distance yourself from what it was -- a toxic relationship where you were codependent and where she took advantage of you and treated you like a doormat -- and stop looking down the road, at least in relation to her. Live your life today, don't worry about next semester or next year or whatever.

[Hopeful714]

I agree with the above. ^^^

 

Plus again, it's only been 4 months for you. I went through a period too where I felt LS was bad for me. I couldn't read the pain anymore and searched for stories similar to mine where things worked out...unfortunately I never found them. And, I suppose if they do exist (however unlikely)...those people are living happily...for now... and not posting here.

 

These days, I read the posts and am thankful I am past the worst, and it helps jolt me back to reality if I have some regressive unproductive thoughts. Not only that, I realize I have learned much from here to prepare me for my future. If I feel like I spend too much time here...I just don't.

 

You do need to start looking ahead though. What do you want to do when you graduate? Do you have a job, and/or company in mind? Where will you live? Where do you want to live? Do you want to move? NOW is the time to begin to prepare for all that. Start to picture a life for yourself and work hard towards it. Before you know it, you will be living it. The new (nice) girl will be on this unknown road you are traveling.

 

Socially, for a young man of your age, you should be going out and having some crazy fun too like Simon Says (lol). I'm not sure if its the break up holding you back or something more, and I don't want to keep pushing this.... but maybe, it may be wise to see the counselor...lol. Seriously... I went, Lost went, and we both love it and say it helped! Check it out. You've got nothing to lose.

 

I don't think you miss "her" as much as you miss the relationship. I can attest to that. There certainly ARE lonely times. But that's when we need to work on ourselves to be, who we see ourselves being, and get out there.. to find someone new. It will happen...but we need to SEE it...and believe it for it to occur. I'm far from there...but I'm getting there. You will too!