Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

Yeah NA. The struggle now is finding you place. Nothing to do with your ex. It is all about getting motivated with gym or going out more. Classes etcetera. Making a new life for yourself that doesn't depend on a relationship. I think your idea that you need to have a GF to validate yourself is part of the problem and of course you put this on her. It isn't about her at all.

 

You might be mixing up being somewhat lonely and self esteem issues with missing her. Tackle the lonely part by doing stuff and you might realize what you are missing really isn't her at all.

[destroyed4sho]

Yeah NA. The struggle now is finding you place. Nothing to do with your ex. It is all about getting motivated with gym or going out more. Classes etcetera. Making a new life for yourself that doesn't depend on a relationship. I think your idea that you need to have a GF to validate yourself is part of the problem and of course you put this on her. It isn't about her at all.

 

You might be mixing up being somewhat lonely and self esteem issues with missing her. Tackle the lonely part by doing stuff and you might realize what you are missing really isn't her at all.

 

So on point! Some of us depended on our ex to fulfill voids in our life - like loneliness or low self-esteem. When we lose them, these feelings come back.

[cavalier99]

So on point! Some of us depended on our ex to fulfill voids in our life - like loneliness or low self-esteem. When we lose them, these feelings come back.

 

So true. I am quite certain my struggle now doesn't have all that much to do with her. I had some of the same issues in the relationship they just got back burnered.

 

I need to make some positive changes in my life that i have been procrastinating. If i tackle these I'm sure the BU issues will resolve themselves much faster without much more effort with some time. I am considering counseling and not just to talk about the BU although that was my initial thought.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, my issue is definitely not the one that's been mentioned. Before my ex I didn't feel I had a void in my life -- hell, I was happy being single and winging it and laughed whenever any of my married/attached friends would ask when I was going to find a girl and settle down. Just wasn't a priority. Then my ex came along and I was like "holy s--t, I actually want to spend time with this person and not just watch sports, drink and hang out with my boys and hit on single girls."

 

I think in the early parts after the breakup there was a void because I was new to my area and my ex was the main person I hung out with. But since her and I broke I went out and made an effort to meet more people and be social. Now I have a decent social network going and have several options socially in my area. It's hard for me not to find someone to hang out with and even if I can't, I have a couple bars in my area where I'm a regular and can just chit-chat with the bartenders and feel like I'm actually spending time with people instead of being the weird loner guy at the bar.

 

When I miss the ex now, it's specifically about her and what she brought to the table, not what she represents. It's gone from a need thing to a want thing, which is better place to be IMO.

[Hopeful714]

When I miss the ex now, it's specifically about her and what she brought to the table, not what she represents. It's gone from a need thing to a want thing, which is better place to be IMO.

 

Wow...what a sweet comment. I could only wish someone would think this way about me.It totally reeks of appreciation...which is awesome!!

[Simon Phoenix]

When I miss the ex now, it's specifically about her and what she brought to the table, not what she represents. It's gone from a need thing to a want thing, which is better place to be IMO.

 

Wow...what a sweet comment. I could only wish someone would think this way about me.It totally reeks of appreciation...which is awesome!!

 

Ah s--t, putting her on the pedestal again Time to go eat a steak.

[na49]

Simon- as much as I hate to admit this. You're right on about this. I do have trouble filling my schedule when I'm not at school and I do come here when I'm bored. I know I have to figure out how to be active socially, I know I'm young and should go out and have fun. "Going out and having fun" in college means going to parties, doing drugs and drinking which has never been me. I wouldn't mind it because everyone does it. It would be a huge step out of my comfort zone. I hate how even when I try to get away from her, I always end up seeing her, someone who looks like her, or someone/thing that reminds me of her. It's frustrating as hell.

 

Hopeful- I think what's holding me back is a little of both. The BU definitely didn't help my confidence, but I've had issues with that and self esteem before the BU too. It has just been much worse since then. I'll definitely be going to the counselor because I have more problems than I thought. I'm putting too much stress on a relationship being what makes me happy which is ironic because before I ever started dating her. I wasn't concerned about falling in love or relationships at all. Now that I know how happy it made me, I want that again. I have to be happy with my single life again. Most relationships at my age fail anyway, and I'm not capable of handling one.

 

cav- I am having trouble finding my place. The past few days I've been wondering "Who am I anyway?" like what type of person do I want to be? I have no idea! I really don't think I'm putting anything on her actually. These problems are all my own. The problem is that I still let her ruin my mood when I think of her for too long. I need to find ways to push those thoughts away because they are toxic.

 

destroyed4sho- That pretty much nails how I'm feeling. My thing is, I didn't even know how lonely I was before I met her. I only realized how lonely I am after she left. All of my problems were solved when I had her. I could be a bit more confident because I knew I had her. I could go out of my comfort zone a bit because I knew I had her. I could talk to that girl in my class and not care if she thought I was weird or a loser, because I knew I had her. Now I don't have her and I'm not doing any of that.

[Debbie2508]

Simon- as much as I hate to admit this. You're right on about this. I do have trouble filling my schedule when I'm not at school and I do come here when I'm bored. I know I have to figure out how to be active socially, I know I'm young and should go out and have fun. "Going out and having fun" in college means going to parties, doing drugs and drinking which has never been me. I wouldn't mind it because everyone does it. It would be a huge step out of my comfort zone. I hate how even when I try to get away from her, I always end up seeing her, someone who looks like her, or someone/thing that reminds me of her. It's frustrating as hell.

 

Hopeful- I think what's holding me back is a little of both. The BU definitely didn't help my confidence, but I've had issues with that and self esteem before the BU too. It has just been much worse since then. I'll definitely be going to the counselor because I have more problems than I thought. I'm putting too much stress on a relationship being what makes me happy which is ironic because before I ever started dating her. I wasn't concerned about falling in love or relationships at all. Now that I know how happy it made me, I want that again. I have to be happy with my single life again. Most relationships at my age fail anyway, and I'm not capable of handling one.

 

cav- I am having trouble finding my place. The past few days I've been wondering "Who am I anyway?" like what type of person do I want to be? I have no idea! I really don't think I'm putting anything on her actually. These problems are all my own. The problem is that I still let her ruin my mood when I think of her for too long. I need to find ways to push those thoughts away because they are toxic.

 

destroyed4sho- That pretty much nails how I'm feeling. My thing is, I didn't even know how lonely I was before I met her. I only realized how lonely I am after she left. All of my problems were solved when I had her. I could be a bit more confident because I knew I had her. I could go out of my comfort zone a bit because I knew I had her. I could talk to that girl in my class and not care if she thought I was weird or a loser, because I knew I had her. Now I don't have her and I'm not doing any of that.

 

You need to make an appointment TODAY with a counsellor. I really think it will help you a lot with your self esteem issues . Like I said before, don't get to my age and wish you'd sorted yourself out when you were 18. I've had 2 major relationships, 1 abusive one for 26 years, which I was too scared to leave, until something happened to force me to, thank God! And this latest one, where I felt exactly the same as you just described to destroyed4sho...I felt like everything in my life was perfect, and now he's left me, what does that say about me?! But, I know deep down, as I'm sure you do too, that we have to learn to love ourselves and not expect another person to make everything right for us.

 

I have my first appointment with a counsellor on Thursday.... I shall expect to hear when your's is, very soon!!

Edited February 19, 2013 by Debbie2508

[na49]

I wish I didn't put so much stress on the relationship being what made me happy. but when I was with her, that was the biggest reason for my happiness. It filled so many other voids and gave me more confidence. I'll be going to see the counselor when I have the time, and I promise I'll be posting here about it

 

Yuck I'm having those toxic thoughts where I want her again. I have these ridiculous thoughts where she'll dump whoever she's with eventually and come crying back to me. I seriously need to be slapped. Multiple times.

[Chi townD]

I wish I didn't put so much stress on the relationship being what made me happy. but when I was with her, that was the biggest reason for my happiness. It filled so many other voids and gave me more confidence. I'll be going to see the counselor when I have the time, and I promise I'll be posting here about it

 

Yuck I'm having those toxic thoughts where I want her again. I have these ridiculous thoughts where she'll dump whoever she's with eventually and come crying back to me. I seriously need to be slapped. Multiple times.

 

YES YOU DO!!!! For the last 1.5 pages to 2 pages, your posts are mostly wouda, coulda, shoulda crap! WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT!!

 

What clubs have you joined? What new hairstyle have you gotten? What kind of clothes have you bought recently? Are you still going to the gym? Have you talked to any new girls? what are their names? what class did you meet them in? Have you planned a trip for spring break? Where are you going? Who's going with you? Have you given ANY reason for one of your Ex's girlfriends to approach her and say, " Hey, didn't you used to date na49? I just saw him and DAMN! He looks fine! He's all buff and he's dressed to the nines! Nice to talk to. He was friendly....why did you let him go again? Are you stupid or something? I hope you don't mind, but I gave him my number." As far as she knows, you're just the same old na49 doing the same old na49 crap.

 

I'm about ready to tell you to talk to one of your friends that has a girlfriend and have that girlfriend set you up on a date with one her single friends. And I really don't care if her hygiene sucks and is missing teeth with a massive acne problem. I WANT YOU TO GET OUT AND START INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE!!

Edited February 19, 2013 by Chi townD

[KS11]

NA,

 

I've read a lot of you stuff and its uncanny the similarities, not just with dealing with the end of a relationship and all that comes with that; feeling and seeing things that remind you of her etc. But also struggling to fill the void.

 

For me, I can't even remember the person I was before I met her. I can't remember what things I used to do or be interested in, i guess they just kinda got lost along the way as I became more and more wrapped up. I remember speaking to her about this before and i'll never forget what she said. It was that person, who had ambitions, interests, confidence etc that was attractive her to me in the first place. I know gradually these things got worn away, partly by her but mostly me, but we need to try and figure out a way to reclaim who that person was. Which is a lot harder than it sounds. Im not sure if i'm explaining what I mean so well.

 

I also have uncertainties about what i want to do in my life. I graduate college in a couple of months and have no idea, and right now, zero motivation. It seems so hard to think about anything else. I keep telling myself I want to move out, get a good job etc etc. I just no theres a very real possibility of looking back in 5 years and think i've screwed my life up over all of this. And thats not a place i want to be.

[Simon Phoenix]

na, what do you do besides go to class? I know you commute, do you work as well? If you don't work, maybe you need a job. If you don't want a job, maybe you should look to move on campus so you can meet people. What are your hobbies? Whatever there are, there should be clubs that are centered around them.

 

I don't know if you need to be meeting women necessarily. But you need to be meeting something. As far as the partying/going crazy thing, you don't need to be a drunk to party and socialize.

[na49]

I do have a job, but I only work once or twice a week. I asked about if there would be a club fair this semester, but it sounds like there isn't. I haven't made many friends on campus, and most of my friends are away at school so they won't be home until spring break.

 

I also need to figure out what I want to do with my life. I've already changed my major twice. Right now I'm studying Psychology (the classes are filled with girls, so if I ever decide to stop being a pu$$y, I would have it made) but I have absolutely no idea what I see myself doing when I graduate in 3 years.

 

I don't want to be doing anything so she finds out about it. I told myself that if I'm doing something to get a reaction from her. I'm not doing it. I want to go to the gym for me, my health, my confidence. Not so she can hear about me going to the gym from one of her friends. I'm happy she has no idea what I'm up to honestly, I just want nothing to do with anyone she's friends with. Is that a good idea? Not wanting anything to do with people who she's friends with limits my options seeing as how she knows a lot of people in my freshman class. and if they do see me they probably think of me as "her ex boyfriend" if anything.

[Hopeful714]

I realize you are just early in your college career and most likely taking your basic courses.

 

I have been in the work force for quite a while now. Let me tell you, there is not many things you can do with a psychology degree unless you further your education after your finish and get your masters/doctorate..etc.

 

I'm not sure what type of student you are but I'm a believer that anyone can learn anything if they apply themselves. Try thinking BIG for yourself...a degree in some type of computer programming or engineering will lead you to a great job with a good income. Think about it. (Think what an impression THAT would make on your stupid ex who's dating the loser rock star-not that you should care.)

 

Just things to think about...remember, how you prepare today...will determine your tomorrow. In just a few years you could have a real bright future, job, home, bad as* car, family ahead of you. You are just beginning. You got the world in YOUR HANDS and some day you will look back and thing sheeeeet...what was I thinking crying over that stupid bimbo!

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are totally missing the point. You make positive changes to yourself and people are going to notice REGARDLESS if you want them to or not. The message it does send is that you've changed for the better. That you're not defeated. That, even though you're no longer in a relationship with her, you're still walking around with your head held high and not running and hiding; hoping that you don't run into her.

 

And whats this crap about not having a club fair? So what! Find a club you're interested in and go to their next meeting. Meet the club president and say, " Hi, I'm interested in joining the dive club and I was wondering if that was possible?"

 

What are they gonna do? Kick you out because you don't know the secret handshake?

See, this is about grabbing your balls and putting yourself out there. This would be your first step.

[na49]

I realize you are just early in your college career and most likely taking your basic courses.

 

I have been in the work force for quite a while now. Let me tell you, there is not many things you can do with a psychology degree unless you further your education after your finish and get your masters/doctorate..etc.

 

I'm not sure what type of student you are but I'm a believer that anyone can learn anything if they apply themselves. Try thinking BIG for yourself...a degree in some type of computer programming or engineering will lead you to a great job with a good income. Think about it. (Think what an impression THAT would make on your stupid ex who's dating the loser rock star-not that you should care.)

 

Just things to think about...remember, how you prepare today...will determine your tomorrow. In just a few years you could have a real bright future, job, home, bad as* car, family ahead of you. You are just beginning. You got the world in YOUR HANDS and some day you will look back and thing sheeeeet...what was I thinking crying over that stupid bimbo!

 

I'm also taking business courses if that means anything. Business obviously has more career options, but I don't know what type of business I want to go into. I've had a lot of people tell my Psychology probably isn't the best idea, it sucks because I've already taken a few courses and if I change, those courses will have been a waste.

 

I'm stressing out!!

[Hopeful714]

Not necessarily. Im sure the courses you have taken meet some type of college requirements. Not sure what "programs" your college offers either.

 

Nothing learned is a waste....but choose wisely with your degree. Make sure you are on the correct path that leads to a good paying field with available jobs..or you will seriously regret it later. Chances are you will meet more people like you in those programs anyhow.

 

Start to get the wheels rollin about you! Your confidence will improve dramatically. Again..you are in a GREAT position right now if you play your hand correctly.

[na49]

Not necessarily. Im sure the courses you have taken meet some type of college requirements. Not sure what "programs" your college offers either.

 

Nothing learned is a waste....but choose wisely with your degree. Make sure you are on the correct path that leads to a good paying field with available jobs..or you will seriously regret it later. Chances are you will meet more people like you in those programs anyhow.

 

Start to get the wheels rollin about you! Your confidence will improve dramatically. Again..you are in a GREAT position right now if you play your hand correctly.

 

I struggle between business and psychology. Business is where the money is, but I hate the classes. Psychology interests me, so I enjoy going to the classes. I went to a job counselor and she told me to ride it out with the business and psychology and make my decision at the end of this semester and start next year with a clear path in sight.

[Hopeful714]

Then start researching on the web about what business degrees fare the best with available jobs and salaries. I have several friends that went the accounting route and that turned out ok but they are at a desk all day and say their jobs are boring. One friend was a marketing major and went back to school because cuz no jobs/crappy pay. Your best bet is do your research on the web about it and ask the counselor. Lastly, Im not sure the educational counselor is the one to talk about with the other issues...you will need to look into that too.

[Hopeful714]

Business somehow combined with insurance companies is a good bet too. Plus many of the big companies offer internships where you can get work experience while you learn and earn ....and a possible job when you graduate.

Start looking into it. Plan ahead! Think BIG.

[na49]

I'm taking an accounting class right now and I hate it I definitely don't see myself being happy as an accountant and I think my happiness has to play at least a little part in finding a job right? The research I have done shows that I could be in Human Resources with buisness/psych. I don't know how much it pays though.

[Simon Phoenix]

I realize you are just early in your college career and most likely taking your basic courses.

 

I have been in the work force for quite a while now. Let me tell you, there is not many things you can do with a psychology degree unless you further your education after your finish and get your masters/doctorate..etc.

 

I'm not sure what type of student you are but I'm a believer that anyone can learn anything if they apply themselves. Try thinking BIG for yourself...a degree in some type of computer programming or engineering will lead you to a great job with a good income. Think about it. (Think what an impression THAT would make on your stupid ex who's dating the loser rock star-not that you should care.)

 

Just things to think about...remember, how you prepare today...will determine your tomorrow. In just a few years you could have a real bright future, job, home, bad as* car, family ahead of you. You are just beginning. You got the world in YOUR HANDS and some day you will look back and thing sheeeeet...what was I thinking crying over that stupid bimbo!

 

I'm a psych major. My job has nothing to do with psychology, but it was fun and if my chosen field hadn't worked out, I would have gone back and done something with it.

 

Either way, you are a first-semester freshman na. You don't need to have the answers right now. I'm in a communications field and wanted to be a communications major when I entered college, but I didn't like the classes. So I decided to go with a major I liked and still went into the field I wanted to. But either way, you don't need to put bulls--t pressure on yourself. You need to live more in the moment and worry less about what is happening down the road.

 

As far as majors/careers, you'll have to ask yourself whether a) you want to make money or b) you want to be happy with your job. But you don't need to have that answer today.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you are totally missing the point. You make positive changes to yourself and people are going to notice REGARDLESS if you want them to or not. The message it does send is that you've changed for the better. That you're not defeated. That, even though you're no longer in a relationship with her, you're still walking around with your head held high and not running and hiding; hoping that you don't run into her.

 

And whats this crap about not having a club fair? So what! Find a club you're interested in and go to their next meeting. Meet the club president and say, " Hi, I'm interested in joining the dive club and I was wondering if that was possible?"

 

What are they gonna do? Kick you out because you don't know the secret handshake?

See, this is about grabbing your balls and putting yourself out there. This would be your first step.

 

Yep, plus what do you need a club fair for? There's this thing called the internet which you can find clubs on campus and contact information for said club. When I was a freshman in college back in the day, I didn't wait for the fair to join the club that I wanted. I called them up and said "I want to join, how do I do it?"

[na49]

I figured the club fair would be helpful so I can see all of the clubs available and pick ones that interest me. I'll do some research on them instead.

 

No idea what I'd do without everyone here pushing me through this

[Hopeful714]

Yeah, I think the basic idea of these last few posts by everyone is to start thinking of what YOU want to do, (instead of her) and take the steps to do it. Even if you have to force yourself at first.