Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

I feel sick thinking about the last month with her. Her growing distant this guy clawing his way in. Her denying anything but i could see it the whole way. Truth mixed with lies. She told me she would never do this to me again after what happened 4 years earlier.

 

I just wanted a clean break if it was going to happen. I told her the last month we should call it quits if she liked the new guy. She was afraid to didn't want to BU. So basically i let her set up new guy while i had a front row seat. Then she jumped when she was sure of his feelings. This is the last time I'm writing about this because i feel like puking.

[na49]

Hopeful- She said "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" she also told me she missed me and that we needed to talk. That she wanted to talk to me. I feel guilty for ignoring her all those times and feel like I ruined a chance at reconciliation. I feel like I'm the bad guy for doing all of this. Why do I feel like the bad guy for trying to move on?

[Hopeful714]

Sorry for bringing it up. I will say this...then I will stop. You don't know what happened or is happening. He is/was a rebound. Typically they don't last...and even if they do for a while after the amount of time that's past Im sure by now true colors are being revealed. Seriously, who could really jump from one relationship to another like that?

 

We may be in pain still...but we are getting over it. And that nice e-mail you got may have been her fishing.

 

Our saving grace is we did not accept the doormat treatment and we never begged. And they have no idea what we are up to. Screw them. On to a better tomorrow.

[cavalier99]

Hopeful- She said "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" she also told me she missed me and that we needed to talk. That she wanted to talk to me. I feel guilty for ignoring her all those times and feel like I ruined a chance at reconciliation. I feel like I'm the bad guy for doing all of this. Why do I feel like the bad guy for trying to move on?

 

What she wrote above are the words of somebody trying to alleviate their own guilt.

 

Nothing to do with you or you feelings. It isn't an apology and it isn't an offer for reconciliation. In fact i find it pretty disrespectful.

 

She didn't say NA im soooo sorry NA my behavior was so horrid, i understand you not wanting to talk to me etcetera. Even this i would find meaningless and self serving.

[Hopeful714]

na- I dont think you ruined the chance at getting back together. She cheated...she basically ended it, then tried to be your friend. Ya, right.

Sure she missed you ....its only natural, but had that conversation went on I think she still had doubts. I know its hard to understand....but you did do the right thing.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hopeful- She said "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" she also told me she missed me and that we needed to talk. That she wanted to talk to me. I feel guilty for ignoring her all those times and feel like I ruined a chance at reconciliation. I feel like I'm the bad guy for doing all of this. Why do I feel like the bad guy for trying to move on?

 

Because you have no self-esteem.

[Hopeful714]

She didn't say NA im soooo sorry NA my behavior was so horrid, i understand you not wanting to talk to me etcetera. Even this i would find meaningless and self serving.

 

I think this is the case of a young dumb girl, doing what young dumb girls do.

 

Thing about it is this cheating/lying thing plays such havoc with the other persons mind. Its such an ugly thing to do. Basically they just wanted to go F someone else because it seemed "fun" and new. They dug the attention from someone else more then what they had. So fine....I hope someday they are all sorry.

 

Again, none of them know what we are up to. We are all gonna heal and find better. We will make it.

[na49]

I hate how my ex doesn't think she cheated though and blames the failure of the relationship on me. I remember talking to her one day before going NC and I mentioned what she did to which she said "that's not really cheating though"

 

I felt like bashing my head through a wall. I actually still feel like bashing my head through a wall.

[cavalier99]

You know what man. This is all going to end soon. Just keep faith man. Its just a bad BU for us. Nobody is dying. We just need a little perspective. Better days are around the corner. I feel it in my bones bro. No more wallowing. I'm really getting tired of it all. All the detail and in and outs of stuff. What they think. What happened.

 

I just doesn't mean anything anymore. Rock on! Cav

[Simon Phoenix]

i hate how my ex doesn't think she cheated though and blames the failure of the relationship on me. I remember talking to her one day before going nc and i mentioned what she did to which she said "that's not really cheating though"

 

i felt like bashing my head through a wall. I actually still feel like bashing my head through a wall.

 

it doesn't matter what she thinks!

[suladas]

Well I got tested tonight. I seen my ex coming home with a guy, and I got to say it rocked me a bit but overall not to bad. I wish I didn't have to see it though. I remember back in october I seen the same thing and I freaked the f*ck out, it was the BU all over again. So I can see how far i've come. I told myself then it likely was just friends, partly because I only seen it once. But this time i'm telling myself ya it's a date, ya they are probably having sex right now. And it does bug me a bit, but not bad. I'm more like good luck with that sh*t. If she is dating, it shows she lied a lot and just makes me think f*ck it, it's not worth it.

 

Although if she is dating, i'm not going to put up with her BS anymore at all and I know it will end up in a lot of arguements. May seem a bit petty, but I can't stand liars.

[suladas]

Oh and for you guys who are guessing what they think. I don't even care if my ex thinks i'm pathetic, or that I want her back, etc etc. She can think whatever she wants, because it's what I think of me that matters. Sure I did let her know I wanted her back since the BU and stuff, but in the end I don't even care now. It's really funny how your view changes.

 

I actually feel like tonight was the final step for me. If I can pretty much be ok seeing the guy and knowing right next door some new guy is probably having sex with her and not really care I am done with her. Wow. I'm not saying i'm immune to any setback but it does seem like another step. I figured it would kill me to see, considering i'm still single and have only been on 1 crappy date since.

Edited February 23, 2013 by suladas

[Hopeful714]

I can't stand liars-suladas

 

I can't either. Personally I don't know how someone could be that way because its just not in me. I can't imagine telling, or dealing with the aftermath of huge continual lying...I suppose its done so that the liar gets what they want. Was reading a book yesterday. It said after 3 lies on 3 occasions...figure your dealing with some type of disordered person...guess I was. Believe me, next RS if there are lies...I am gone. No hanging around to "figure out" the puzzle. Your just getting jacked around at that point.

 

This is all going to end soon-cav

 

Yes, I suppose it will. Same book I was reading said nothing lasts forever. I guess this is true...our RS's sure didn't so neither will the pain. Everything eventually passes.

 

I told her the last month we should call it quits if she liked the new guy-cav

 

This is actually a great piece of advise. I wish I would have used it, but it may have been already too late for me. I also hope it never has to be used again....but the point is that you confront the person head on that you know what is happening and they need to make a choice...and within a specified, short, amount of time, if you don't see that you are that choice...you go..... don't look back, no questions asked.

 

Woke up in a bit of a funk this morn, but I'm gonna try to shake it off, get busy, and get back on track today. At this point, what I'm dealing with has to be more related more to my own issues. It's embarrassing to think that I could be pining, going on 7 mos for someone who treated me bad, and thinking of what someone thinks... who really doesn't think too much about it at all.

[na49]

Last night I went to bed angry as hell. Why? Because I'm still stuck on this BU nonsense. I'm still pining for a cheating witch.

 

This morning I woke up angry as hell. Why? I thought to myself. It's almost been 5 f*cking months. She's f*cking someone new. She's over me. She tried being my friend 2 months ago. It didn't work. She's moving on. I don't mean THAT much to her for her to wait around and try to reel me into her friend zone. Why the hell am I still stuck on this BU again? :mad:

 

The first time I've woken up angry like this. I was laying in bed for a little while and started to replay random parts of our relationship (It's what my mind does if I let it wander) but I like to think of this as a step forward.

[cavalier99]

Yeah i get angry too. Sometime I'm surprised at intensity of hate and dislike i have for some stuff she pulled and my lack of response.

 

Other times i feel all forgiving and peace to the world feeling about tne whole ordeal.

 

It is normal just breath then go to gym or something. Don't replay too much or your head will explode.

 

Ha. I bet you don't feel like apologising now?

 

You really should start going out and try to hookup no strings attached type deal. It will help you get her out of your head and help your self esteem. Even a flirty conversation with a girl at a party could help a lot.

Edited February 23, 2013 by cavalier99

[na49]

Nope not yet. I still wonder what if we would've talked when she texted me. I still feel like apologizing for ignoring her. I still feel like bashing my head against a wall.

 

I really want to focus on meeting new people (male or female) first before trying to hook up or anything. I know that any conversation flirty or not (I don't really know how to "flirt" I may be flirting and not even realize it though) helps my self esteem. I feel much better on days that I just strike up conversations with random people than on days where I sit there quietly playing with my phone.

Edited February 23, 2013 by na49

[suladas]

Just jump out of your comfort zone man and whatever you do just say F off to your ex. Today I have a girl coming over to hang out, I have never done the casual thing and I'm nervous but I'm sure it will be fun. Just got to take a leap once in a while. And yes I'm continuing my trend with older women

[cavalier99]

Nope not yet. I still wonder what if we would've talked when she texted me. I still feel like apologizing for ignoring her. I still feel like bashing my head against a wall.

 

You are WAY better off bashing you head against the wall than apologising. I think all of LS would agree with this.

[Hopeful714]

I'll tell you...the conversation would have went something like this:

 

Ya know na, Im sorry this ended on bad terms. I don't want it to be this way. Can't we still be friends? Ya see, I don't know what I want. I miss you, but I can's say for sure I want to be with you anymore. I have fun and am attracted to this rock star guy and want to check that out and see where it goes. But, we could still hang out now and then. I don't want to hurt you. Your a nice guy, you will find someone else if I choose to be with him. Yea, I'm going out with him tonight, maybe we can do something later on in the week.

 

Being angry sucks, but its part of the process. Yes, you (we) need to get out and meet new people. Fake some confidence. Once someone you find attractive sends you some positive vibes, it most likely be exactly what you need. Again, the others are living life. Not pining.

 

Here is the other conversation if you call to apologize:

 

na: Hello bimbo I wanted to say I was sorry I blocked you after you cheated on me.

bimbo: See, thats why I cheated on you because you...........

na: I'm sorry, I don't mean to be that way, I will change

bimbo: Its too late now, you already ruined things. I'm with rock star now.

na: but I still miss you, and what we had. I want you back.

bimbo: (re-read conversation #1) Then she gets off the phone and tells all her friends how your still in love with her and can't get over her. Her head swells to enormous proportions and she feels pity for you. She brags about this call to rock star, then life goes on.

 

NO WIN SITUATION.

[Hopeful714]

And, if you ever speak to her again, this is how it SHOULD go:

 

Ex: Hey...na...hold up...how's it goin. Just wanted to say hi, see how you are?

 

na: Hey, I've been doing great. Yourself?

 

Ex: I'm ok, whatcha been up to?

 

na: Well, Ive just been keeping busy, getting involved in some new stuff, preparing for the future, going out.

 

Ex: ohhh, well hey Im sorry for the way things went down. I mean, I think of you still...still wish we could talk and be friends.....

 

na: Don't sweat it. I'm ok. Doin good. I found what you did disrespectful, and Im sorry I blocked you at the end but I felt it was best for myself in the long run....wasn't really up to any more games at that point...really, I'm good.

 

Ex: uggghhh...yea..well maybe we can catch up sometime? for old times sake?

 

na: Well, Im pretty busy these days, but I still got your number. I'll give you a jingle sometime. take care.

 

Ex: uh, ok, you too....duh?

 

 

You don't call....you just keep moving forward, she's the past. She cheated on you and doesn't deserve your time.

[na49]

Thank you Hopeful. That is exactly what I need to see right now. You're so right. That's how the conversation would go. She would definitely say "you already ruined things" and all of that other crap. It hurt reading that. I would probably feel super depressed if I actually reached out and had her tell me that.

 

I like the way the second conversation goes better. I hope I have that conversation with her eventually. It will mean that I moved on.

 

While I was in the shower, I was replaying parts of the BU in my head and I remembered when I was still an emotional wreck. I was texting her like crazy asking for an apology. I was calling her and she would reject the call before it could go to her voice mail. I remembered calling her that night and it getting rejected. Then getting a call back right away. I picked up and it was her friend (who I also didn't know existed). My ex was in the background practicing piano or some sh*t and this friend was like "I'm your ex's secretary. If you call this number again we will be reporting you to the police. She told me everything you did. You're abusive and a bad guy etc." I lost my sh*t and was like "You don't know anything, what are you talking about?" she was like "Yeah. actually I do" then I said "Uhh no you don't" and hung up. I was mad as hell. My face was red, I was swearing to myself. It was baaaad. Then I went "NC" for about 2 weeks then I sent her a text as soon as I woke up before I went for a blood test. I even mentioned that so I could extract some sympathy. I asked if we could just be civil. She texts back "Actually I'm happy without you. Bye" I sent back "Okay" Fast forward a day and she calls me back. I think her friend apologized for being a b*tch. I forget what we talked about. I think she was talking to me and her ex boyfriend before me because she would hang up and call me back. I forget what happened after that.

 

not really sure why I needed to write that but it felt right. That may be a part of my story that you guys didn't know. I don't remember posting about that. If you guys didn't think me pining for her was ridiculous enough, there's more reasons why this girl should be dead to me. (but for some reason she isn't yet)

Edited February 24, 2013 by na49

[cavalier99]

That sucks dude. I think it is good that you wrote about it. We need to get that trauma out. Your not alone.

 

The night that my ex lied to me about meeting her friend and she went out with the new guy. I was calling like crazy and driving to where she supposedly was.

 

She was hanging up on me, then telling me to never call her again. It is over and how embarrassed she was that she needed to get up and leave the table to talk to me and leave him alone there. When she finally admitted that she was with him. What a bad impression she was making because of me.

 

And if i had just left her alone all would have been fine and i wouldn't have found out she lied etcetera. Like it was all my fault. She had promised me that were going to spend a few more days together and end thing amicably and wouldn't pull any BS then she went right ahead and she pulled that crap after 8 years together.

 

It partly my fault for hanging on when i saw all this happening weeks before. Ill never be a p*ssy like that again. Id rather be strung up and tortured than lose my self respect again in that manner.

 

We don't need these c*nts in our lives.

 

You know what though. We need to let the anger go. Im working on this. It is our egos. She doesn't deserve my anger. Although ill never forget it ill try to forgive for myself. She doesn't deserve anything of me even a thought. Too much anger will delay indifference. This is still the goal dude. Dont forget it. Payback is when we have new hot girlfriends and don't care one bit about them. Or at least the latter part about not caring.

Edited February 24, 2013 by cavalier99

[suladas]

I agree Cav, got to just let go of everything. I really feel close to that. It doesn't kill me anymore to think my ex is probably having sex with someone else, I am amazed to get to that point. I'm still annoyed at the fact I was likely lied to, but I don't care too much anymore it's not worth it.

 

Today was pretty fun, hooking up with a random women, first time since the BU. It did bring up feelings in a way though. I felt nothing for the women today, but it brought my ex back into my head a bit for some reason. I'm glad I did it though.

 

I will say though, as much as I wish her the best. I will get some satisfaction when I find a new girlfriend and my ex has to see me happy with her.

 

Overall though, I feel good with how far i've come since july. Not just getting over the BU but improving myself so much. I will say this though, I am sure I will have more BU's and I will be dahmed if I ever contact someone who dumps me again.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I'm not sure I belong in this thread with you guys anymore. My ex was an absolute sweetheart compared to what the rest of you went through. So she said "she wants to see if she can do better" to someone who wasn't me several months ago. Boo hoo. If that, ignoring a few calls/texts after she got spooked by me getting spooked, and acting cold, annoyed and awkward the first time she saw me after the break is the worst I have to deal with, then I'm lucky and should feel borderline embarrassed about whining about it.

 

na49 -- you need anger and you need pride. I wish Cav could give you some of the former and I could give you some of the latter (I probably have an unhealthy amount). Normally I don't think anger is healthy, but after all of what you told us about your ex you are still on the Second Chances thread asking about how to reconcile with your awful, awful, awful ex. I don't get it dude, I really don't. I think the only regular contributor to this thread that doesn't hate her is you. And I just don't get it. This girl basically emotionally abused you. Please stop the pining. You are a good person and you deserve a lot more. I just hope you can come close to realizing that and really giving yourself a chance.

 

Cav -- I think less anger would be good for you. Your ex sucks and lied to you. But you are a strong person. You have experience. You know you can succeed and go out there and rock s--t out. But the anger you have for your ex prevents that. You know you don't want your ex back, you have no delusions of grandeur there. So now it's time to completely remove her from the equation, which means removing the anger. And give it to na.

 

Hopeful -- You are smart and well-spoken on here and you will be an asset to whoever is lucky enough to get you next. You seem to be very self-aware of who you are and what you want. So you just need to get rid of the bouts of bad self-esteem. Your ex cheated on you because he's an idiot -- not because of anything negative you did or anything bad about you. Get rid of those toxic thoughts.

Edited February 24, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Simon Phoenix]

I agree Cav, got to just let go of everything. I really feel close to that. It doesn't kill me anymore to think my ex is probably having sex with someone else, I am amazed to get to that point. I'm still annoyed at the fact I was likely lied to, but I don't care too much anymore it's not worth it.

 

Today was pretty fun, hooking up with a random women, first time since the BU. It did bring up feelings in a way though. I felt nothing for the women today, but it brought my ex back into my head a bit for some reason. I'm glad I did it though.

 

I will say though, as much as I wish her the best. I will get some satisfaction when I find a new girlfriend and my ex has to see me happy with her.

 

Overall though, I feel good with how far i've come since july. Not just getting over the BU but improving myself so much. I will say this though, I am sure I will have more BU's and I will be dahmed if I ever contact someone who dumps me again.

 

Hooking up with randoms didn't really bring memories of the ex, at least not in the immediate aftermath. It wasn't until I actually went on formal dates that she came rushing back. And weirdly enough, I'm not really concerned if she's going out and getting some and I never have been. I figure I'd be a huge hypocrite to get pissed about something like that. The thought of her actually seeing someone regularly and getting intimate at a personal level was a lot more traumatic to me than her getting her freak on.

 

I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. I still really like her, but I know I don't need her to be happy. She'd be a bonus at this point if that were to ever come about. What's weird is even though I'm pretty much at peace with the whole thing, I still have those thoughts of us together in the future, hell, even married (that has never happened with any woman I've ever dated ever). In fact, they've increased as I've gotten more at ease with everything, which doesn't seem to make sense.