Why do I feel worse?

[suladas]

Hooking up with randoms didn't really bring memories of the ex, at least not in the immediate aftermath. It wasn't until I actually went on formal dates that she came rushing back. And weirdly enough, I'm not really concerned if she's going out and getting some and I never have been. I figure I'd be a huge hypocrite to get pissed about something like that. The thought of her actually seeing someone regularly and getting intimate at a personal level was a lot more traumatic to me than her getting her freak on.

 

I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. I still really like her, but I know I don't need her to be happy. She'd be a bonus at this point if that were to ever come about. What's weird is even though I'm pretty much at peace with the whole thing, I still have those thoughts of us together in the future, hell, even married (that has never happened with any woman I've ever dated ever). In fact, they've increased as I've gotten more at ease with everything, which doesn't seem to make sense.

 

It was my first time hooking up with a random, it might be part of it not sure? But it did feel good to know I had no emotion attached to the sex. But it also made me feel even better about myself having someone else so attracted to me, heck she texted me about hooking up tomorrow again. Maybe part of the emotion is, I would still rather be in a relationship then having random hook ups and today proved it. I have only been on one formal date back in sept and it brought back memories of my ex to.

 

I have the exact same thoughts, it's so weird. I am perfectly ok without her now, but I still have these thoughts I don't get it.

[cavalier99]

 

 

Cav -- I think less anger would be good for you. Your ex sucks and lied to you. But you are a strong person. You have experience. You know you can succeed and go out there and rock s--t out. But the anger you have for your ex prevents that. You know you don't want your ex back, you have no delusions of grandeur there. So now it's time to completely remove her from the equation, which means removing the anger. And give it to na.

 

.

 

Thanks man. I think your right. The weird thing is i wasn't really that angry about it for a while. Seems to be recently I've been sorta pissed off. I was even feeling quite forgiving. I'm not sure if it is a step back or i was just sorta blocking it out for a bit and it is a step forward?

 

I've actually been pretty good today. It really is just my pride getting hurt. Ill get over it. This is what upsets me more than what she did i think. Anyway it is over and there are no redo.

 

It is funny because i spend more time thinking about losing myself self respect during the BU and lead up... than the actual demise of the RS. That is what hurts now more than missing her. Sorta disappointed in myself letting that happen. Anyway ill just take it as a lesson. I think I'm being too tough on myself about this part.

 

Guess i need to forgive myself more than her. I'm going to ponder this aspect more.

 

NA- I didn't know you were on the second chances forum. WTF. I haven't even been there once even to read. Get off there.

Edited February 24, 2013 by cavalier99

[Simon Phoenix]

It was my first time hooking up with a random, it might be part of it not sure? But it did feel good to know I had no emotion attached to the sex. But it also made me feel even better about myself having someone else so attracted to me, heck she texted me about hooking up tomorrow again. Maybe part of the emotion is, I would still rather be in a relationship then having random hook ups and today proved it. I have only been on one formal date back in sept and it brought back memories of my ex to.

 

I have the exact same thoughts, it's so weird. I am perfectly ok without her now, but I still have these thoughts I don't get it.

 

I actually hooked up with a random a few days after the break. I was so depressed and felt like such a terrible representative of the male population that I was just looking for anything. I kind of felt like Jason Segal in Forgetting Sarah Marshall for the first month of it, without the crying of course.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks man. I think your right. The weird thing is i wasn't really that angry about it for a while. Seems to be recently I've been sorta pissed off. I was even feeling quite forgiving. I'm not sure if it is a step back or i was just sorta blocking it out for a bit and it is a step forward?

 

I've actually been pretty good today. It really is just my pride getting hurt. Ill get over it. This is what upsets me more than what she did i think. Anyway it is over and there are no redo.

 

It is funny because i spend more time thinking about losing myself self respect during the BU and lead up... than the actual demise of the RS. That is what hurts now more than missing her. Sorta disappointed in myself letting that happen. Anyway ill just take it as a lesson. I think I'm being too tough on myself about this part.

 

Guess i need to forgive myself more than her. I'm going to ponder this aspect more.

 

NA- I didn't know you were on the second chances forum. WTF. I haven't even been there once even to read. Get off there.

 

I guess I tattled. Sorry na. I was on that forum when I first discovered LS and I went back a month ago when I first contemplating getting in touch with my ex.

[cavalier99]

I guess I tattled. Sorry na. I was on that forum when I first discovered LS and I went back a month ago when I first contemplating getting in touch with my ex.

 

Well don't worry about it Simon. Its not like any of us cant look over there. Lol

 

NA- Even if you have been over there it isn't a sin or anything. You have basically done all the right things in this BU. You have just given us a deep look into your mind thus the extra feedback. I have plenty of f*cked up thoughts. .

 

That being said i wouldn't fill your mind with any of that BS. Not that i really sense it in you posts. You seem like a guy that is more focussed on getting over this than reconciling..which isn't happening by the way. Lol

[LostOne1]

Yeah i get angry too. Sometime I'm surprised at intensity of hate and dislike i have for some stuff she pulled and my lack of response.

 

Other times i feel all forgiving and peace to the world feeling about tne whole ordeal.

 

It is normal just breath then go to gym or something. Don't replay too much or your head will explode.

 

Ha. I bet you don't feel like apologising now?

 

You really should start going out and try to hookup no strings attached type deal. It will help you get her out of your head and help your self esteem. Even a flirty conversation with a girl at a party could help a lot.

Give it another 4months.. that anger will be gone.

 

Today I thought of my ex after a long time. I actually only remembered the good stuff oddly enough. It almost felt like I didn't know how or why we broke up. Just remembered a few fun times and then I let it go and went on with my day. I guess time does really help a lot!

 

For once I am so content with myself and without my ex. I don't think about her, don't worry about crashing into her... nothing.. Almost like she was an old friend, who moved out of the country and I'd never see again for a long time.

 

So you'll all get there I assume at some point.

 

Sadly enough this new girl I like.. confuses me so much. I have no idea if she wants to go out or not. She gives me signs she's interested, then backs off.. and then comes back and now backs off. I don't get a clear picture from her sadly...

 

But the good news is I have let that go too.. I guess the BU helped me in terms of letting things go a lot more now rather than stressing over them. I guess it's more of a if it works great.. if it doesn't.. I simply move on.

 

As they say on to the next one....on to the next one...

[na49]

I feel like I live inside my head and that's a problem on top of all of the other things I'm dealing with. If I could have more days where I'm not thinking and just doing sh*t I would be so much happier.

 

It's like someone punched me in the face multiple times, then eventually I man up and hit them back once. BUT then I feel guilty about it and want to apologize. Where did my balls go?

[Hopeful714]

Wow..sounds like we all had an emotional, but progress filled weekend!

 

na-I felt bad after I posted my post about the conversations...but I felt it was true. I just felt that is the way it would go. And after reading your post about what happened with that one call...now I am certain. That girl was abusive to you. She sounds very immature and self centered. If you get a chance, read the WHOLE somegeek guy post. It really is an inspiring story and I think you may gain a lot from it. Your ex was an a-hole stupid girl. You will see that someday plain and clear. I bet you are suffering a bit of depression and anxiety that makes you feel caught in your head. Your gonna have to fight that.

 

cav-Now that I know the whole scoop behind your deal..again, be glad where you are now. I can't imagine how awful that was to be searching for your girl where you thought she was at, while she was lying, on a date, and not picking up the phone. Whatever kind of relationship that led to, I doubt it lasted long. Imagine what the other guy thought? If he has any brains he would think do I really want to date a girl who does this to her bf of 8 years? I do bet she was fishing sending that last e-mail you got. And, somewhere deep inside she's gotta feel like absolute shi* because to end things that way after an 8 yr relationship is pretty bad. I'm sure she contacts you no more because of shame. After all, after 8 years Im sure you knew each others families, etc. She pulled a real dirt bag move.

 

na & cav- when I was at your recovery stage (4-5 mos) -lol-(--I swear this sounds ridiculous-recovery stage..lol), I was FILLED with anger. Its still there but not as bad now. It was a horrible time to feel that way..but when the anger started to pass is when I made what I think to be my biggest progress to date. I still have quite a ways to go obviously. Wouldn't ya know it in my grocery store anxiety attack I actually left my checkbook there? Messed up crap...but I got it back, all is good.

 

Simon-thanks for the compliments. I know deep inside that I do and have much to offer. I get along well with everyone and although can be emotional and serious, I can be one hell of a good time.. cracking the jokes with the best of um, and joining in on the party. I know I can be a good GF too.. I just got involved with a shady character who somehow managed to f me up for a bit. Anyhow...thx.

 

And thanks to you na, for letting us all use your thread.

[na49]

lol no one here should feel sorry about telling me what I need to hear, so don't feel bad about writing that conversation Hopeful. I feel like I am still depressed even if I'm not as depressed as I once was. I used to not be able to eat, now I can eat a house. (I probably ate too much last night when I went out )

 

My ex is everything you said. Her friends who told me she cheated on me thought so. Makes me think that I was/am willing to settle for someone as immature as she is.

 

I'll make you guys hate her even more now. She's a year older than me and feels like she is an "adult" (but told me she wants an older guy to look after her... hmmm?). Her parents don't really treat her like one but I feel like they have a good reason. She is very immature. Her parents do everything for her and she hates them. When her mom asked her if I knew she was talking to this rock star guy, she told her mom "Shut up mom. I'm an adult, he doesn't need to know my business" and hung up on her.

 

I just hate how someone like this gets to keep on doing what she does. She really just gets to disrespect me like that and have everyone love her and think she's great? I'm the reason the relationship failed? It's all my fault?

[Hopeful714]

Of course your not the reason..you know that!....but in her mind you are...cuz she's an idiot!

 

Your a young buck, but you will see the meaning in phrases like "what goes around comes back around", "you reap what you sow", "karma and time will be their downfall" She may seem like she got it all goin on now...but sooner or later life gives EVERYONE a swift kick in the as*. Those who deserve it, and even those who don't. For the people like her, its worse because if you've been a ****t* person...no body will be there to help you out or be a good buddy to you when you need it most.... and those types can't handle it because they think "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME???...I'm TOO special!" sorry...shi* happens to everyone. Its life.

 

See... HER OWN FRIENDS...told YOU she was cheating. That tells you loads right there! Dude....you are on your way!

[Ready36]

I would be really grateful for your thoughts on my post

 

Thanks

[na49]

I just want karma to hit her and for her to come crying back to me. Not even just so I can take her back, if I'm moved on then so I can tell her to get lost and reject her like she rejected me.

 

I'm happy to say she hasn't really been running through my mind much if at all today. I've been focusing on a paper for one of my classes, been watching spring training games and have set up plans to hang out with my friend after we work out. I know I have to get out of my comfort zone, so that's what I hope to do tomorrow. I'm not very social, but I'm really not social during the school week. I go home after class/the gym and do my homework, study and then sit around and watch TV or play video games. (or pine for my ex to come back if it's a bad day)

 

I doubt she's still very friendly with the two girls who told me she cheated. I stupidly told her who they were. Doh! Why was I such an obedient dog even after she dumped me?

[Simon Phoenix]

I just want karma to hit her and for her to come crying back to me. Not even just so I can take her back, if I'm moved on then so I can tell her to get lost and reject her like she rejected me.

 

I'm happy to say she hasn't really been running through my mind much if at all today. I've been focusing on a paper for one of my classes, been watching spring training games and have set up plans to hang out with my friend after we work out. I know I have to get out of my comfort zone, so that's what I hope to do tomorrow. I'm not very social, but I'm really not social during the school week. I go home after class/the gym and do my homework, study and then sit around and watch TV or play video games. (or pine for my ex to come back if it's a bad day)

 

I doubt she's still very friendly with the two girls who told me she cheated. I stupidly told her who they were. Doh! Why was I such an obedient dog even after she dumped me?

 

Stop connecting her and you, especially since you said "if I'm moved on then I can reject her". That means if you aren't, you'll be a dumbass and take her back. And if you did that, I think this entire thread would come find you and beat you with blunt objects.

 

It's fine that you want karma to get her, but you don't want any part of it when it happens. You should want her as removed from you as possible.

[LostOne1]

I just want karma to hit her and for her to come crying back to me. Not even just so I can take her back, if I'm moved on then so I can tell her to get lost and reject her like she rejected me.

 

I'm happy to say she hasn't really been running through my mind much if at all today. I've been focusing on a paper for one of my classes, been watching spring training games and have set up plans to hang out with my friend after we work out. I know I have to get out of my comfort zone, so that's what I hope to do tomorrow. I'm not very social, but I'm really not social during the school week. I go home after class/the gym and do my homework, study and then sit around and watch TV or play video games. (or pine for my ex to come back if it's a bad day)

 

I doubt she's still very friendly with the two girls who told me she cheated. I stupidly told her who they were. Doh! Why was I such an obedient dog even after she dumped me?

Trust me.. you'll get to a point where you won't care if karma hits her or not.

 

You need to let the hate go.

 

I wanted my ex to feel hurt so bad too.. but then I just stopped caring. To be honest she could win the lottery or be broke to the bone... but it shouldn't matter.

 

She was a part of your life and this experience should CHANGE you in a positive way. Don't let the hate win.

 

If I saw my ex now I would gladly say hi.. but that's about it. I don't hate her now, but I would never do anything extra for her out of my way like I used too.

 

Sometimes you just gotta forgive and forget and move on. I never thought I'd forgive her, but I finally have and I just want to move on with life and take a new journey.

 

Heck the new girl I like I don't think likes me.. but what can you do haha. At least I tried and well I've moved on from her too.

 

Trust me this BU is GOOD for you and for me. It now allows me to move on from women VERY easily. I was always so hung up on them and now I realize if it doesn't work, or the girl isn't interested... in the words of Jay-Z... "on to the next one"!

[cavalier99]

Trust me.. you'll get to a point where you won't care if karma hits her or not.

 

You need to let the hate go.

 

I wanted my ex to feel hurt so bad too.. but then I just stopped caring. To be honest she could win the lottery or be broke to the bone... but it shouldn't matter.

 

She was a part of your life and this experience should CHANGE you in a positive way. Don't let the hate win.

 

If I saw my ex now I would gladly say hi.. but that's about it. I don't hate her now, but I would never do anything extra for her out of my way like I used too.

 

Sometimes you just gotta forgive and forget and move on. I never thought I'd forgive her, but I finally have and I just want to move on with life and take a new journey.

 

Heck the new girl I like I don't think likes me.. but what can you do haha. At least I tried and well I've moved on from her too.

 

Trust me this BU is GOOD for you and for me. It now allows me to move on from women VERY easily. I was always so hung up on them and now I realize if it doesn't work, or the girl isn't interested... in the words of Jay-Z... "on to the next one"!

 

Hey lostone. When did you become so indifferent? Congrats. That's awesome. I mean after all this time on this forum I'm still confused as to when people just get over it. I don't understand.

 

Was it just time and NC? Did you just wake up one day and say. Ok I'm cool. Did it just sneak up on you? I mean as of a couple months ago or less you were still having a tough time. I think I asked you before so sorry if it is repetitive.

[na49]

I want to forgive and forget. I want to get to that point of indifference. I want to get to that point where I can see her, say "hi" and keep walking and go about my business with no feelings. I don't want to go through college with things being awkward between us where we act like strangers to each other. I want to be able to face her instead of avoiding her. She's a person and yet she has so much control over me that she doesn't know about. I know it's because I give her that control and I want to stop.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about this new girl not liking you. You sound like you aren't so that's awesome. I wouldn't be worried if I showed interest in a girl who didn't like me the same way. At least it would mean that I was putting myself out there to try. I read somewhere you get rejected 85% of the time, it's about what you do with the 15% (as cheesy as that is lol)

 

I wish I could feel so indifferent that if I saw her I could look her in the face wave or say "hi" and keep walking. I know I'm nowhere close to that though. For some reason I feel like I'm going to run into her tomorrow... I hope I'm wrong

 

cav- there are no rules about being repetitive. have you read my posts?

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey lostone. When did you become so indifferent? Congrats. That's awesome. I mean after all this time on this forum I'm still confused as to when people just get over it. I don't understand.

 

Was it just time and NC? Did you just wake up one day and say. Ok I'm cool. Did it just sneak up on you? I mean as of a couple months ago or less you were still having a tough time. I think I asked you before so sorry if it is repetitive.

 

I think sometimes it just hits you. I mean, I came to a bit of an epiphany a week or so ago and I've felt a hell of a lot better since.

[cavalier99]

I think sometimes it just hits you. I mean, I came to a bit of an epiphany a week or so ago and I've felt a hell of a lot better since.

 

Ha what was the epiphany? How completely ridiculous it is the be pining after somebody who isn't in out lives and probably barley thinks of us...5 or 6 month later lol

 

This is sorta how I'm feeling today

[Simon Phoenix]

Ha what was the epiphany? How completely ridiculous it is the be pining after somebody who isn't in out lives and probably barley thinks of us...5 or 6 month later lol

 

This is sorta how I'm feeling today

 

Basically that I didn't need my ex and that I wanted her. That she wasn't a necessary part of my life, just a bonus. But either way, I was cool before it happened, I'm cool now and I'll be cool later. I could contact her if I chose and be at peace with whatever happens at this point, because I don't need her. Kind of like tickets to the Super Bowl I guess. I definitely want them, but I certainly don't need them.

[Hopeful714]

Remember tho- simon said he didn't get dicke* over really bad. I could barely say my RS was a bonus! If so, I got most lousy prize on earth.

[cavalier99]

Basically that I didn't need my ex and that I wanted her. That she wasn't a necessary part of my life, just a bonus. But either way, I was cool before it happened, I'm cool now and I'll be cool later. I could contact her if I chose and be at peace with whatever happens at this point, because I don't need her. Kind of like tickets to the Super Bowl I guess. I definitely want them, but I certainly don't need them.

 

There you go man. You are cool cat and i know you'll have plenty of other opportunities. No need to waste thoughts on that show. Concert is sold out!

 

Hey i just wanted to than you all simon, lost, na, hopeful for your responses to my post.

 

I'm not sure what happened to me that last couple of weeks but i really appreciate the support. I hadn't ever written about some details of my BU and i guess i needed to do that.

 

Today I've felt really good. Sorta like waking up from a haze. Hope it lasts. I think the last week or so I was holding onto some smoldering anger ...also i forgot about the incident were i cried after running into some pics of us.

 

I guess we just need to get out all of the hurt. I'm wondering how much more can be left because i feel like the hurt tank should be getting near empty. Lol Rock on! Cav

[Simon Phoenix]

There you go man. You are cool cat and i know you'll have plenty of other opportunities. No need to waste thoughts on that show. Concert is sold out!

 

See, it's not even about that either. I still like my ex (probably because like Hopeful said, I didn't get f--ked over) and I definitely wouldn't be against getting back with her if the situation presented itself. I would definitely scalp tickets to that sold-out show, obviously for a good price But I know that no matter what happens, all will be good. I feel like I'm back where I need to be.

 

I might contact her, I might not. I have no clue. But I'm good either way.

 

Remember tho- simon said he didn't get dicke* over really bad. I could barely say my RS was a bonus! If so, I got most lousy prize on earth.

 

I meant any future relationship would be a bonus. The last one is part of the original equation or whatever.

[cavalier99]

See, it's not even about that either. I still like my ex (probably because like Hopeful said, I didn't get f--ked over) and I definitely wouldn't be against getting back with her if the situation presented itself. I would definitely scalp tickets to that sold-out show, obviously for a good price But I know that no matter what happens, all will be good. I feel like I'm back where I need to be.

 

I might contact her, I might not. I have no clue. But I'm good either way.

 

 

 

I meant any future relationship would be a bonus. The last one is part of the original equation or whatever.

 

I get where your coming from. Sounds like your in a good spot. Why don't you just call her and see if she want to go out? If she doesn't onto the next. Nothing to lose if she says no.

[na49]

How long ago was your BU Simon?

 

Also I think today is the best day I've had in a while. She just hasn't been on my mind that much all day.

 

Until now of course where I wonder about if I fought for her more. but aside from from these stupid thoughts which I know will pass, I like to think that today is a sign of good things to come for me.

[Hopeful714]

Simon can we get a re-cap on if you still are in like with her and feel comfortable enough to call....what the heck happened?