Why do I feel worse?

[suladas]

Ha you have "what if thoughts", i have "anger" thoughts....but not right now.

 

I really never have what if thoughts..hmm weird. "What ifs" are bad. Then again anger is bad too. Both thoughts are still replaying the past. We cant change it..it is over.

 

I'm going to watch The Walking Dead and chill.

 

Lets have another good day tommorow!. Rock on! Cav

 

I wish I didn't have the what if's, they were always the biggest thing hurting me. I still think about it once in a while. I honestly wonder sometimes if i'm over her, or if I just got tired feeling sorry for myself and just pushed the pain away and forced myself to just go about my life. There still hasn't been a day she isn't on my mind at least a bit.

 

Even lately getting the drift that she is having quite a few problems, I can't help but feel bad for her, even though I have no reason to.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not quite sure what this means, but I'll roll with it

 

= It meant that from the way you were talkin, I smelled "LOVE" in the air...LOL

 

But, you need to make the choice to contact ....or not to contact......take all the time you need...for sure.

 

Personally, I see no reason that you shouldn't, sounds like nothing bad happened between you ...only a case of hebe jebe's.

 

Worst that can happen is she is dating someone else.

 

Best could be a Happy Ending for you...in more ways then one! lol

 

This may be premature...but were you thinking of doing the manly thing and calling? Or tossin out the bread crumb text? I vote for the call!!! It'll blow her mind.

 

-waaaaahhh- I wish I was being thought of..........

 

Was thinking more of a text. Not because I'm afraid of calling, but because that's the way she prefers to communicate. Even when she initiated this whole thing back in this spring, she did it via text. I never thought a text from me would be seen as a breadcrumb though. Something to consider. And I'll take as much time as I need to figure it out.

 

Weird thing happened last night though. For the first time since I decided it was safe to look at her Facebook (after four months of not doing it) and re-adding her to my news feed (happened a week ago), a bunch of pictures of her were posted by another one of her friends. They were pictures of her drunk at a club with some other chicks, along with another one where she was looking a bit more normal.

 

But I didn't get butterflies or that "jump" in your stomach when your ex posts something. Instead, I almost felt that she looked "off". I can't really place why I thought that. She didn't look sad, she didn't look overjoyed, but something seemed different. I thought maybe she gained weight, but in comparison to a picture she posted when I last saw her in September she looked about the same in that category. So who knows. Either a) I'm completely reset to where I was when I first started seeing her or b) maybe I'm off it.

 

I'm leaning toward option a, though if it's b, I'd be strangely disappointed. Would kind of suck to go through all of this but just to ultimately think "meh" at the end. I'm thinking more along the lines of a though.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah and she never even apologized to me so why do I have to apologize to her? I think I feel guilty for trying to move on because I feel like I'll ruin any chance for reconciliation in the future.

 

I wonder what if I played the games with her? What if I answered her phone calls? What if I tried to play the games now? Would I have any chance of winning? Would anything good come from it? I'm pretty sure she's dating him or someone else, but I don't want to find out. I seriously have myself cornered with nowhere to go so I recycle these dumb thoughts.

 

Not only would you not win, you'd get destroyed. Think the mercy rule in high school football/basketball where they have to do a running clock in the second half to prevent the winning team from completely embarrassing the losing one.

 

You don't want to reconcile with this woman. She was literally evil to you, especially at the end. Maybe I should move my ex discussion out of this thread, because I don't want to be the inspiration for you to make one of the most awful mistakes ever. Shoot, I'm not afraid of you being rejected again. I'm afraid of the small possibility that she'd take you back and continue to treat you like a peasant.

[LostOne1]

I wish I didn't have the what if's, they were always the biggest thing hurting me. I still think about it once in a while. I honestly wonder sometimes if i'm over her, or if I just got tired feeling sorry for myself and just pushed the pain away and forced myself to just go about my life. There still hasn't been a day she isn't on my mind at least a bit.

 

Even lately getting the drift that she is having quite a few problems, I can't help but feel bad for her, even though I have no reason to.

See the what if is only there, because you haven't found anyone else yet. As soon as you find your new girl.. those what if's will just totally vanish.

[suladas]

See the what if is only there, because you haven't found anyone else yet. As soon as you find your new girl.. those what if's will just totally vanish.

 

For the most part I do agree. But i'm not sure if they will completely ever go away as long as we are still next door to each other. No matter what and even if I completely loose feelings for her, I will still have the reminder of her around which makes my mind wonder. A lot of days she will not cross my mind at all when i'm not home, but when i'm home she will. I think the only way the what if's will go away is if I find someone new and become extremely crazy for them and absolutely know that are much better for me then my ex, but I think that is going to be extremely tough. The problem is being it was a short relationship I never got to see what potential it had which I think makes it a lot tougher.

 

As much as i'm fine, deep down I still wonder what could of been, and what I still have a bit of hope of what might still be. I just push it all down and go on with my life as much as I don't want to. But at least it's not very hard to do anymore, it's pretty much life as normal.

[na49]

Sometimes I wonder if I just checked up on her and saw she this guy she cheated on me with (or a new guy) making out with her in her profile picture. See pictures of them hooking up and going on adventures together. Seeing them holding hands when I go to class later today. Seeing her write everything about him that she used to write about me. will get rid of these ridiculous thoughts and help me move out of fantasy land.

 

That's probably BS actually though. I've answered my own question 3 or 4 times and it still hasn't been good enough. I see all of that crap, feel miserable for a few weeks and then come back with more questions.

[Chi townD]

Sometimes I wonder if I just checked up on her and saw she this guy she cheated on me with (or a new guy) making out with her in her profile picture. See pictures of them hooking up and going on adventures together. Seeing them holding hands when I go to class later today. Seeing her write everything about him that she used to write about me. will get rid of these ridiculous thoughts and help me move out of fantasy land.

 

That's probably BS actually though. I've answered my own question 3 or 4 times and it still hasn't been good enough. I see all of that crap, feel miserable for a few weeks and then come back with more questions.

 

 

Nope! If you did that, then you would probably be reduced to a babbling bag of goo. And then you'd be venting on how could she do this to me? What does she see in him? How could she be so heartless? Why wasn't I good enough? How could she toss me away like a piece of trash?

 

I mean, you're not contacting her now and you're barely holding it together. Do you honestly think seeing all of that NOW would help you?

[cavalier99]

Sometimes I wonder if I just checked up on her and saw she this guy she cheated on me with (or a new guy) making out with her in her profile picture. See pictures of them hooking up and going on adventures together. Seeing them holding hands when I go to class later today. Seeing her write everything about him that she used to write about me. will get rid of these ridiculous thoughts and help me move out of fantasy land.

 

That's probably BS actually though. I've answered my own question 3 or 4 times and it still hasn't been good enough. I see all of that crap, feel miserable for a few weeks and then come back with more questions.

 

Did you make appointment with the doc or look into counseling? I'm going to pester you about this. ..For a bit. I mean it is your life. I'm thinking you might just need some professional council on general life guidance, self esteem, obsessive thinking etcetera.

 

I think your closer to getting over the BU than you think if you tackle some of these issues.

[cavalier99]

I mean how much better would the quality of you life be if you could cope better with the obsessive thoughts and had some solid coping tools and/or medicine to help with this?

 

Also issues with social anxiety. A professional could really help i think more than us. IMO

 

Your going to be over this BU soon if you tackle this and learn how to feel ok again without guilt. Are you going to call? Do it even if your feeling good.

[Chi townD]

Going NC is one thing. But going NC with making positive changes makes the healing move more quickly. It helps with your self esteem and self confidence.

 

And besides going to the gym and opening up to people just a little bit, that isn't cutting it. You know what positive changes you need to make...you're just not doing them for whatever reason. It's like you have NO motivation to move forward and prove to your Ex that you can move forward without her. That your life is even better since she dumped you. And you can probably come back on here and say, "She wouldn't even care." So, what....YOU should care! For your own piece of mind, to prove to YOURSELF that she doesn't have this stronghold on you. That you've finally and completely broken free from her. YOU should be able to tell yourself that.

[iouaname]

I know that one of the problems that I faced early on was that I was doing everything with my ex in mind. If I was making improvements to myself, I felt like they didn't actually matter unless my ex knew about them and could see them. It wasn't until recently that I felt more empowered to do things for myself and to make improvements for my own happiness, and that was really when I started to feel better.

 

Maybe you just kind of need that empowering moment?

[Chi townD]

I know that one of the problems that I faced early on was that I was doing everything with my ex in mind. If I was making improvements to myself, I felt like they didn't actually matter unless my ex knew about them and could see them. It wasn't until recently that I felt more empowered to do things for myself and to make improvements for my own happiness, and that was really when I started to feel better.

 

Maybe you just kind of need that empowering moment?

 

That's how it was for me. I wanted to prove my Ex wrong. I was rocking out a 3.78 GPA in College, made positive changes in my life. At first, it was to prove my Ex wrong. But, after a year, it changed into doing it for me. My Ex wasn't putting in the work, I did. My Ex wasn't going to benefit from the changes I was making to myself. So, it morphed into it me making those changes for myself. At first, my Ex was the motivation, then it was all about me making those changes for my future.

[cavalier99]

I agree with the above comments. I said to NA in his other thread on the coping forum that I think he needs that moment when he looks deep in the mirror and mentally pushes this all away with force and says.

 

IM GETTING OVER THIS!

 

NO ****IN WAY I'M GOIN DOWN OVER THIS GIRL!

 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

 

He needs to really bear down. I'm just concerned he might need some professional help to get to that moment and he isn't seeking it out. I really think he is close to getting over this if he can flip that switch but until he does he will keep spinning his wheels.

[mcdo]

I know that one of the problems that I faced early on was that I was doing everything with my ex in mind. If I was making improvements to myself, I felt like they didn't actually matter unless my ex knew about them and could see them. It wasn't until recently that I felt more empowered to do things for myself and to make improvements for my own happiness, and that was really when I started to feel better.

 

Maybe you just kind of need that empowering moment?

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Up until today, anytime I went to the gym I thought "Imagine if she saw me now" or "Imagine what she will think when she sees me after X amount of months of working out"

 

This evening I hit the gym and she didn't cross my mind once. Not one damn time. I was there for me. And it felt fantastic.

[jagdude14]

I am struggling to move on. I miss her and love her a ton even though her actions now suggest she never cared about me. I treated her so great. But I feel like a joke because we are going on two months since the break up and I have not heard from her in 6 wks. I am nc but I feel so messed up however better the. Right after the bu. I do not know what happened. I am trying to take what happened and move on but I miss this girl that I loved so much

[na49]

Well I have no clue where my motivation went but I have none of it right now. To think yesterday I was feeling fine, today I don't feel like doing anything. I sat in class thinking to myself "I don't want to be here" it's the first time that I've ever felt that way. I moped around campus and was just hating life. Maybe just a bad day? I don't want to be too hard on myself. I saw so many people she knew today, they all just kind of look at me and keep walking. I felt so pissed.

[cavalier99]

Well I have no clue where my motivation went but I have none of it right now. To think yesterday I was feeling fine, today I don't feel like doing anything. I sat in class thinking to myself "I don't want to be here" it's the first time that I've ever felt that way. I moped around campus and was just hating life. Maybe just a bad day? I don't want to be too hard on myself. I saw so many people she knew today, they all just kind of look at me and keep walking. I felt so pissed.

 

Cool. Maybe your leaving the obsessive thinking phase and are entering the depression reality phase. This might be progress. Lol Cav

[na49]

This just feels like another one of those days where I feel miserable, miss her, want to see what she's up to, talk to her, etc.

 

Luckily this feeling doesn't last long. I know how repetitive these feelings are.

[cavalier99]

My EX has been almost non existent in my brain the last few days. And when she does appear i just toss her out. Not breaking out the champagne yet but this has been a nice break.

 

I really don't need that lying bi*ch in my mind. I'm going to keep bearing down hard and moving forward. ABSOLUTELY "NO WALLOWING ALLOWED ZONE " is in effect. Onward and upward is the only way soldier.

 

This whole emotional toughness thing I'm beginning to take really seriously. Im the only one that is going to get me out of this. Rock on! Cav

Edited February 26, 2013 by cavalier99

[LostOne1]

This just feels like another one of those days where I feel miserable, miss her, want to see what she's up to, talk to her, etc.

 

Luckily this feeling doesn't last long. I know how repetitive these feelings are.

 

 

haha probably the 7th time I've asked.. did you ever end up going to see the counsellor yet?

[na49]

Holy crap there's almost 1000 posts in this thread. I'd say about 200 of them are just me saying "I miss her. I want to look at her facebook. I want to tell her I'm sorry for blocking her number". etc

 

and no I haven't seen the counselor yet. I'm sure I'll end up posting about it when I do.

[drpepper1886]

I've been doing pretty great (relative). I get sad from time to time and I'm 5 months out, but today I got another piece of mail. It's been 5 months and she still hasn't gotten a mail forward. I haven't talked to her since the BU (other than a single email) and I've just been throwing away all the other pieces of mail because they are just junk mail, but the piece I got today seems to be potentially important, so I'm planning on just writing "forward to" her current address.

 

I'm getting unintentional breadcrumbs, haha.

[Hopeful714]

na- seems you could be dealing with a depressive episode and because your feeling down you may be blaming your "down" on your ex when really its the depression. I gotta chime in here and say go talk to someone finally. Heck, I'm almost at the point to say make the appt, and the night before look at her facebook to your hearts content before you talk to the professional...lol..but I know you really shouldn't. You can't let this mess up your classes and grades on top of everything else. I read your posts in others' threads and you sound so healthy then back here at home base....we seem to deal with the same questions over and over.

 

Simon-You must be getting closer to a decision if you looked at her facebook... but interesting about how you felt about her pics. I don't know if that's good or bad. Considering you didn't find evidence of a bf, Im surprised you didn't seem a bit more excited. Is this how you felt when you met her? I'd hate for you to send the text, then go out and feel like ehhh....then again maybe its good if things started more slowly this time as sounds like you both freaked last time. How u feelin today about it? More excited or more the same?

 

Got in another good workout today and the day went well. I've been having a lot of mixed feelings lately when he crops up in my mind though. I can't really describe it yet. Its weird. I'll see how the week goes and update on that later. Glad I have my appt w the counselor set for Friday afternoon as I tend to have set backs on the weekends. I talk about many things there...I am going to make a list so I don't forget anything....HA!

[LostOne1]

na- seems you could be dealing with a depressive episode and because your feeling down you may be blaming your "down" on your ex when really its the depression. I gotta chime in here and say go talk to someone finally. Heck, I'm almost at the point to say make the appt, and the night before look at her facebook to your hearts content before you talk to the professional...lol..but I know you really shouldn't. You can't let this mess up your classes and grades on top of everything else. I read your posts in others' threads and you sound so healthy then back here at home base....we seem to deal with the same questions over and over.

 

 

 

That's why he needs to go see a counsellor.. I didn't want to at first, but once I did.. it was the BEST decision I made. Without my counsellor I'd be a wreck right now. He gave me the help and support I needed!

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon-You must be getting closer to a decision if you looked at her facebook... but interesting about how you felt about her pics. I don't know if that's good or bad. Considering you didn't find evidence of a bf, Im surprised you didn't seem a bit more excited. Is this how you felt when you met her? I'd hate for you to send the text, then go out and feel like ehhh....then again maybe its good if things started more slowly this time as sounds like you both freaked last time. How u feelin today about it? More excited or more the same?

 

 

Actually it's pretty close to how I felt. To give some background, I initially met her six years ago during the weekend of her sister's wedding (her older sister married my best friend). I definitely thought she was attractive (I had seen pictures of her before but never met her in person) and we were friendly with each other (I beat her and her friend at beer pong at her parents' house the night before the wedding and drunkenly gave her a piggyback ride outside of the reception hall on the wedding night), I never really thought I'd see her again, so I didn't give her a second thought. I even joked to her sister a few months later that "I could have tapped that", which got back to my ex (who obviously wasn't anywhere close to being my ex at the time).

 

So two years ago my ex moves an hour away from me due to a new job. I was friends with her on Facebook (though we never talked and I barely surfed through her pictures), so I wrote on her wall congratulating her on her new job after hearing about it from my buddy. She responds by calling me Simon "I could have tapped that" Phoenix, before making some small talk. I initially forgot I had said that, so I played it off, but after my buddy confirmed I did say that, I'm like "great, so this girl thinks I'm a jackass."

 

I met up with her a month after that, as they had an impromptu family reunion and they had an extra ticket to a sporting event, so they invited me. It was me, my buddy and about 8-10 members of her extended family. So yeah, basically her whole family knows me. Besides thanking her for the ticket, I probably said five words to her that day. So once again I forgot about her and didn't give her a second thought.

 

In April I moved closer to her (about 10 minutes away). A month later, she texts me out of the clear blue sky (after getting my number from my buddy) hearing that I moved to town and inviting me out for a drink. I was shocked by this (wouldn't have thought to call her in a million years) and I initially thought "hey, she's cute, she probably has cute friends." So I came in with no expectations. Her, a friend of hers and I went out for a bar crawl on the beach. Eventually her friend ditches us and it's the two of us and we spent 12 hours together. After that it was one-on-one and thoughts of being friends with her to meet girls went out the window because we had great chemistry.

 

So to make a short story long, I think my reaction was definitely close to where I was before. The "off" thing was more me thinking closer to the way I had before the relationship than I was in the relationship and the immediate aftermath of the break. I looked at the same pictures today and the "off" perspective wasn't there, they just looked normal.

 

I think that's healthy and I know I'm still interested -- I even emailed a buddy of mine who is marrying a woman he had an awkward break with before reconciling asking about his situation and comparing it with mine. He encouraged me to do it (but to be careful about it due to the friend thing) but told me to be prepared for it not to work. So I'm leaning toward it, though I'll talk to my friend and make sure there aren't any landmines that will kill any pursuit before it starts. I'm taking my time with this.

Edited February 27, 2013 by Simon Phoenix