Why do I feel worse?

[na49]

I can just hear you all rejoicing already.

 

I made an appointment with the counselor for next Monday.

 

I'm actually pretty excited to go honestly. I was laying in bed last night thinking about what I'm going to talk about first. I hope I can get all of my thoughts out because I have a lot to say about this whole thing. (It's ran my life for almost 5 months now)

 

Now here's the stupid part. I don't feel like telling anyone that I'm going. I don't want to tell my parents, or my brother. I don't know why exactly, I'm not afraid of them not being supportive, I just don't want to shock them. I don't mope around the house so if they heard that I was going to a counselor they'd be confused. and if they knew my reason, they'd be even more confused. I feel like they'd tell me to "just get over it". They probably think I've been over it ever since I blocked her number.

 

I thought about what you said Hopeful. That I'm blaming my depressive state on my ex when it's really deeper than that. I think I'm realizing this problem goes beyond my ex. I've had low self esteem and no confidence before and while I was dating my ex. I just felt that everything was justified with her. I could be a whipped dog as long as she was still with me at the end of the day. Her "love" validated my entire being. As long as I had her, nothing else mattered. The problem is that if I ever did get another chance with her, I would automatically feel "worth it" again which is a bad thing.

[Debbie2508]

I can just hear you all rejoicing already.

 

I made an appointment with the counselor for next Monday.

 

I'm actually pretty excited to go honestly. I was laying in bed last night thinking about what I'm going to talk about first. I hope I can get all of my thoughts out because I have a lot to say about this whole thing. (It's ran my life for almost 5 months now)

 

Now here's the stupid part. I don't feel like telling anyone that I'm going. I don't want to tell my parents, or my brother. I don't know why exactly, I'm not afraid of them not being supportive, I just don't want to shock them. I don't mope around the house so if they heard that I was going to a counselor they'd be confused. and if they knew my reason, they'd be even more confused. I feel like they'd tell me to "just get over it". They probably think I've been over it ever since I blocked her number.

 

I thought about what you said Hopeful. That I'm blaming my depressive state on my ex when it's really deeper than that. I think I'm realizing this problem goes beyond my ex. I've had low self esteem and no confidence before and while I was dating my ex. I just felt that everything was justified with her. I could be a whipped dog as long as she was still with me at the end of the day. Her "love" validated my entire being. As long as I had her, nothing else mattered. The problem is that if I ever did get another chance with her, I would automatically feel "worth it" again which is a bad thing.

 

YESSSSS,at last No need to tell anyone. This is for,and about,you.....no-one else. I definitely agree with Hopeful about things being deeper than the bu with your ex,so at least something good will have come out of the heartache....you'll get yourself stronger,more confident and able to establish boundaries in your next rs.

 

Your comment about the "whipped dog" and also the one about her love validating your entire being,really struck a chord with me as it's exactly how i feel too

[na49]

I really hope I can get stronger from all of this.

 

and yet I still want to tell her my feelings because I hope it would change something.

[Harradin]

Been reading this thread too and it does compare to my breakup, I've been going to counselling since November (once every 2 weeks or so) to deal with my breakup and deeper issues and its really beneficial and therapeutic. She's told me that I don't need counselling any more so got one more last session in the middle of March to see how things are coming along and I'm done. Not told anyone that I've been going to counselling either, don't see why anyone should know. I still love my ex, still get urges and miss her a lot and get some bad moments but I guess its something you have to get used to or it eventually subsides.

[na49]

How long have you been NC? Where exactly have you noticed the improvements since going to counseling?

 

I was tossing around crazy ideas and thought about sending her a text message on what would have been our anniversary. Just a simple "hey" I was also fantasizing about how when I'm over her I would see her and say "hello stranger" and be very brief. I was also fantasizing about me contacting her and us riding off into the sunset. She's the last citing of my happiness so I tell myself that I have to be with her to be happy. She's also the only citing of my misery.

[Chi townD]

How long have you been NC? Where exactly have you noticed the improvements since going to counseling?

 

I was tossing around crazy ideas and thought about sending her a text message on what would have been our anniversary. Just a simple "hey" I was also fantasizing about how when I'm over her I would see her and say "hello stranger" and be very brief. I was also fantasizing about me contacting her and us riding off into the sunset. She's the last citing of my happiness so I tell myself that I have to be with her to be happy. She's also the only citing of my misery.

 

YEP!!!! Those ARE crazy ideas!!! If you sent even the smallest of texts saying, "Hey". Do you know what that tells her? "Oh look! The dog is back on the leash! YAY!"

[na49]

YEP!!!! Those ARE crazy ideas!!! If you sent even the smallest of texts saying, "Hey". Do you know what that tells her? "Oh look! The dog is back on the leash! YAY!"

 

Do you really think it would? I feel like it would piss her off. I really want to send her one text to fish for a response. I know how stupid that is though, and I probably won't do it because her number is still blocked and I don't even know if I can send texts to a number that I have blocked.

[Chi townD]

Then quit thinking about sending a text when you know damn well that you can't. It's counterproductive.

 

Dude, you need to get out and go on a date or something. Obviously, you have WAY too much free time if you're thinking about stuff like this.

[Harradin]

How long have you been NC? Where exactly have you noticed the improvements since going to counseling?

 

I was tossing around crazy ideas and thought about sending her a text message on what would have been our anniversary. Just a simple "hey" I was also fantasizing about how when I'm over her I would see her and say "hello stranger" and be very brief. I was also fantasizing about me contacting her and us riding off into the sunset. She's the last citing of my happiness so I tell myself that I have to be with her to be happy. She's also the only citing of my misery.

 

Since mid October, 4 months NC. My BU was as cruel as yours really. The way I used to deal with emotions (I'm not an emotional person, my friends joked that I was a robot) before the BU was to store them inside and not worry about them until it got too much and blew, my counsellor convinced me to just let myself feel the emotions which I do now to an extent which has helped me massively. I had issues sleeping, which she helped me with, she gave me podcasts and advice on sleeping (taking herbal stuff from a pharmacy to feel drowsy before I slept etc,) she showed me that its natural and okay to be heartbroken and feel like this as time eventually gets rid of it. Its nice to be able to just let it all out of your system, you feel good because you lift all the weight off and feel much lighter!

 

I find what helped me the most is joining different clubs (judo and kickboxing) and just talking to every single person there and socialising, I'm at university too so I've been talking to different people on my course too. You take baby steps but you gain confidence here and there and life takes its course.

[Simon Phoenix]

Do you really think it would? I feel like it would piss her off. I really want to send her one text to fish for a response. I know how stupid that is though, and I probably won't do it because her number is still blocked and I don't even know if I can send texts to a number that I have blocked.

 

Anything involving you contacting her is really f--king stupid. Doesn't matter how you go about it.

[na49]

Pretty much. I just hate how I keep trying to give myself a reason to have "hope". (I know. don't have hope the b*tch cheated on you) Well why do I still allow myself to have an ounce of hope that maybe she still misses me, maybe she's lonely and maybe she wants me to contact her? I wonder if I need to see her f*cking her new guy to get it through my head. I know that would set me back, and then I would have more problems. These thoughts are so annoying though. I'm trying so hard to avoid that stuff, and it makes me want to know more.

 

I touch the stove. Find out it's hot. Tell myself I won't touch it again. Until I find a reason why I should. "Well it won't burn me this time" "It's not hot" etc. If I could just feel anger towards her all the time I wouldn't want her anymore and I would be able to move forward. I'd rather hate her guts than miss everything about her.

[cavalier99]

Id rather you just don't care or think about her. Lol

[na49]

I would rather not think of her at all either. I hate how I always have these delusions still. I convince myself "If I reach out to her, we can reconcile and things will be better". I want to do all of this so bad. I feel like I need to burn myself again.

 

Does anyone think that if I did check, it would eliminate any stupid thoughts and help me in the long run? I just hate how doing it will ruin my week/weekend and I won't be able to focus in school or at the gym tomorrow.

[Simon Phoenix]

I would rather not think of her at all either. I hate how I always have these delusions still. I convince myself "If I reach out to her, we can reconcile and things will be better". I want to do all of this so bad. I feel like I need to burn myself again.

 

Does anyone think that if I did check, it would eliminate any stupid thoughts and help me in the long run? I just hate how doing it will ruin my week/weekend and I won't be able to focus in school or at the gym tomorrow.

 

No, you'd be depressed and then turn it into some hope. Your best bet is to go to this counselor and discover why your self-esteem is so bad that you pine for a cheater who was emotionally abusive to you.

[iouaname]

I don't think that you should reach out. I think that the problem you're having is that you're focusing so much on her and not enough on yourself (not to sound accusatory because I did the same thing until recently). Reaching out to her is just going to perpetuate that kind of thinking in you.

 

Besides, isn't she with that other guy? If so, she'd rather be with him than with you, based on her actions of being with him. If she is not with him anymore and wanted to be with you, she would have let you know that.

[na49]

I don't think that you should reach out. I think that the problem you're having is that you're focusing so much on her and not enough on yourself (not to sound accusatory because I did the same thing until recently). Reaching out to her is just going to perpetuate that kind of thinking in you.

 

Besides, isn't she with that other guy? If so, she'd rather be with him than with you, based on her actions of being with him. If she is not with him anymore and wanted to be with you, she would have let you know that.

 

I'm pretty sure she is, but I don't know 100%. I saw one post relating to a boyfriend that may have been directed at her. (I realize how ridiculous I sound right now.) Which is why I feel like if I just saw her with him, I'd know "Okay she's with him. I see them together. They look happy and this sucks" and go on with my life.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm pretty sure she is, but I don't know 100%. I saw one post relating to a boyfriend that may have been directed at her. (I realize how ridiculous I sound right now.) Which is why I feel like if I just saw her with him, I'd know "Okay she's with him. I see them together. They look happy and this sucks" and go on with my life.

 

No you wouldn't. She already did that (when she cheated on you and went with the "rock star") and you are still hung up on it. The key is to talk to someone and work on you. Work on you first and foremost and the situation with her will settle itself out.

[newsbug]

If she wanted to have contact with you, she would contact you. I know how hard it is to just not talk to the only person you want to talk to, but that person doesn't exist any longer. They have changed and they aren't the same person you miss. And even if there is any hope at all you could get back together in the future, there's is nothing you can do right now to make things better. You can only make them worse. You reaching out to her will make you seem clingy and needy and no one would want that in their life. (these are the things I tell myself a million times a day too)

 

Try and keep your head up and your feet moving towards the future.

[na49]

If being cheated on and dumped didn't clue you in that it's over... What makes you think the above scenario will?

 

Do you enjoy being miserable?

 

It's my bogus way of trying to get "closure" which I've gotten before. I'm still in denial about this whole thing and I feel like I don't believe she's actually gone forever. So if seeing her sucking another dude's face making out with him doesn't get it through my head, idk what would.

 

I don't enjoy being miserable, but I'm so used to these feelings by now. I feel like I don't know how to have a good day anymore. I feel good and then immediately let my negative thoughts snowball into something worse.

 

Is it Monday yet?

[Hopeful714]

short on time today...will catch up tomorrow...(good Ive been busy huh? )

 

But had to at least say YEAAAAHHHH- na has a counseling appt!

[na49]

The less time you have the better Hopeful. I'd rather be busy all day than have any time to sit around and think.

 

I feel like as ridiculous as my thoughts still are, I'm taking steps in the right direction towards moving on with my life.

[markus36]

One thing I'm finding from reading this thread is that it's comforting to see how crazy so many of us - it's easy to spot it in someone else

 

It's also good to think that so many of us are obsessing about someone, and my object of obsession is meaningless to you, and yours is meaningless to me. Kinda nice to think that

[destroyed4sho]

The less time you have the better Hopeful. I'd rather be busy all day than have any time to sit around and think.

 

I feel like as ridiculous as my thoughts still are, I'm taking steps in the right direction towards moving on with my life.

 

Right now after about 2 months of NC, my thoughts and emotions are getting less intense...but I still have these moments of heartache and I purposely try to push them out and move my mind onto something else...kinda like forcing myself mind to be ADD...just move on to another topic. Its hard because then I get anxious bc my thought has not completed.

In terms of counseling, I go to counseling almost regularly. I really don't think it has helped me much in terms of preventing the really low dark moments. I think even my counselor has gotten sick of it, or I am just tired of his response.... he says the same thing over and over again. Basically in short, I am over her, its just self-esteem issues that need to be worked on...etc.

[na49]

I surprised myself today. I was more angry than depressed. I sat in one of my classes and I guess a girl was wearing a scent that she wore so I immediately started thinking of her. but I was angry as f*ck. I probably looked angry too as I was walking around campus. I just wasn't happy. I wasn't sad, but I was really angry. I was angry because of everything that happened and how real it all is.

 

I also had a nice little boost for the self esteem too. I was talking to a girl before one of my classes and she mentioned something that I forgot to do for homework. So I told her I was going to go do it. She was like "I'll walk with you". Holy crap it felt awesome. I just wanted to see my ex. (I know that's wrong) but just so she knows that I'm not defeated. As I was walking with this girl, I saw one of her "good" friends who was one of the guys telling her to dump me, that the rock star is better for her, that I'm the devil, that what she's doing is her choice. her logic is that she's an adult and I don't need to know if she's flirting with another guy because it's none of my business. How much do you all hate her now? I wish I was making this up. seriously. basically this guy spoon fed her what she wanted to hear when she wanted to hear it. What a lovely guy he is

 

This guy knows me better than I do and has never even met me. He's a fat slob. I don't blame him as much as I blame my ex for listening to him. A guy she just met has a louder voice about our relationship than her boyfriend. What the f*ck?? Not surprising to me anymore though. Nothing surprises me about her anymore. She's exactly who I thought she wasn't. Anyway, I saw him and he always smiles at me because he knows who I am and my situation. So I looked at him, started laughing and shook my head a little and kept walking.

 

I'm feeling more angry about my BU than miserable right now which is a good sign. Let's see how long I can ride this for or if I can turn this anger into indifference. (wishful thinking?)

[Chi townD]

Okay.....so what happened with the girl? She wanted to walk with you. So, that's a plus.

 

But, I was disappointed to hear that you were hoping you would run into your Ex while you were walking with this girl. That wasn't fair to the girl that clearly wanted to walk with you for an opportunity to, possibly, get to know you better. You needed to keep thoughts off of your Ex and you could have focused on this girl that took the time to walk with you because she felt comfortable BEING WITH YOU!!!

 

Could have been nothing, BUT it could have been something. But, you know what? At least you opened a dialog with her. That could lead to a possiblity for another walk or even you asking her out for coffee to "go over some stuff from class". Hell, I've done that in my time, and the first ten minutes is about the class and the rest of the time, it was about us. About her, getting to know her. To see if there might be something worth pursuing.

 

You need to work it, dude.