Why do I feel worse?

[na49]

So we were walking and talking. She actually transferred to my school and is the same major as me, so that's cool. I felt nervous when I was walking with her actually. I was definitely not as smooth as I would have liked. I felt kind of nervous and I think my hoping I would see my ex f*cked with my head. It's so pathetic that I want her to see me with a girl. like why do I want her to see me with a girl? Don't I want to see MYSELF with a girl more?

 

She was also looking at me during class. I'm not really sure why I didn't look back at her. She's kind of cute I guess, a good sense of humor, doesn't take herself too seriously.

 

I've been studying for the past 2 hours but I started thinking and once my mind wanders, it runs as fast as it can towards the topic of my ex. I was thinking, "I don't care about how she feels about me blocking her number. just like how she didn't care about how I would feel when she was holding hands with the rock star, flirting with him, making out with him, etc just like how she didn't care when she was demonizing me to her new friends"

 

nights like tonight are when I'm happy I never act on my stupid urges to contact her, or look at her facebook or any of those other crazy things.

[Chi townD]

You sit there and you wonder what your ex is thinking, but here's the rub. To her, your old news. I pretty sure she's not even thinking about you. So, why not focus on the girl that IS thinking of you. Wondering about you. Looking over at you during class.

 

Look, you said she's fairly cute. Your not looking for a relationship, but there's nothing wrong with a night out on the town with a cute girl. Better than sitting on here with the woulda, coulda, shoulda crap. I'd rather hear about the good time that you had out. How it made you feel alive again. So, put on your big boy pants and talk to the girl. Clearly, she's interested. And even if she isn't, the worst thing she could say is no. But, life will go on if that happens. But, I have a feeling that if and when you finally get to that point, she'll probably say yes.

[na49]

That's a good point. I'm focusing on the girl who isn't thinking about me rather than worrying about a girl who was thinking of me. I think anything can help my confidence right now.

 

I had a dream last night that I just had to post about. I was talking to her on facebook and she was saying how I should have moved on already. That she's in love with the douche rocket, but wishes we could be friends. I was lying about how I was moving on with a new girl and she was just like "oh that's great! I'm happy for you!" the conversation went nowhere and then I woke up. I felt kind of crappy but it was probably one of the most realistic dreams I've had. The conversation in my dream was exactly how it would have went if I actually went through with it.

 

I've never really asked a girl to hang out before. but it's insane how good I feel on days where I just put myself out there as opposed to days where I stay in my shell all day. I just don't know how to get myself to go through with it every day. Why can't all days be like yesterday? Where my ex is a non issue for the most part, and I'm putting myself out there with new people?

[Chi townD]

 

I've never really asked a girl to hang out before. but it's insane how good I feel on days where I just put myself out there as opposed to days where I stay in my shell all day. I just don't know how to get myself to go through with it every day. Why can't all days be like yesterday? Where my ex is a non issue for the most part, and I'm putting myself out there with new people?

 

 

Dude, this is a very simple situation. First, this girl already knows you and volunteered to walk with you. So, if you approached her, she wouldn't write you off as a creeper.

 

Go up to her AFTER your next class catch up with her and tell her, " Hey, I just wanted to thank you for keeping me company the other day while I was getting my homework." or " Thanks for the advice about the assignment, that really help." or whatever you two talked about. And just say, "God, that class was boring today. I could barely keep my eyes open, I need to go find some coffee, would you like to come? My treat....just a want to say thanks for the other day." Just make it sound like you're gonna do it anyway whether she comes or not. Like it's no big deal. If your nervous and making sound "offical" that might make her nervous enough to scare her off.

 

If she says no thanks, just shrug it off and say, "That's cool. Some other time then. See ya later!" And just carry on. Don't look dejected or hurt or embarassed. Nothing to be embarassed about, you just ask someone to join you for coffee and not a marriage proposal.

Edited March 1, 2013 by Chi townD

[na49]

It really is probably as easy as that. I just start thinking and once I start thinking about doing something, I never end up doing it. I've never been rejected in that way so I'd imagine it would hurt the first time and probably a few times after that, but I really need to start putting myself out there. It's getting ridiculous now.

 

There's one girl who I really liked and she isn't in my classes anymore because she switched her schedule around but I saw her last week as I was leaving the gym and we waved to each other. I want to approach her and just talk to her casually but I get intimidated if I see her with other people. I actually get intimidated to talk to anyone if they're talking to other people. I try to find a way to join in the conversation but sometimes I have nothing good to say.

[Chi townD]

It really is probably as easy as that. I just start thinking and once I start thinking about doing something, I never end up doing it. I've never been rejected in that way so I'd imagine it would hurt the first time and probably a few times after that, but I really need to start putting myself out there. It's getting ridiculous now.

 

 

Hey, you know what? Rejection is part of the game. You can't expect every girl to say yes to you. It happens, but you can't take it personally.

 

In college, I had a buddy of mine...and he wasn't very good looking at all. But, it never stopped him, there was no shame in his game. If we were in the club, she would ask every girl in the joint to dance. One time I asked him, what the hell is up with that. He said, " Hey, I may get rejected 40 times, but I always get at least one to say yes."

 

If I were you, I would seriously think about asking the transfer girl out to coffee, she seems like she would be interested in doing that. Plus, if you're afraid that you have nothing to talk to her about, you just told me two words that could give you a ton of things to talk about. Transfer Student!!!! So, you came from what College? Did you like it there? What was there to do around that place? Were you sad to leave it? Why did you chose this place? Are you liking it so far? So, you're a psych major. Have you always want to go into this field? Why? Where are you from orginally? A TON of stuff from two words.

 

Look, I'll stop bugging you about this is you're not ready to ask a girl out. But, if you feel that you could do this, then give it a shot!

 

You're not looking for a relationship, just the promise of a night out for some fun in the company of a cute girl. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

So, if that's something that you're interested in doing, then, dammit! Take the bulls by the horns! Girls love a guy that can be confident and assertive. Goes after what he wants. And I think a night out on the town would do you some good and your confidence as well. You said it yourself, you tend to be in a good mood and feeling good after you interact with folks. So, what are you waiting for?

 

Oh, and yes. IT IS THAT SIMPLE!!

Edited March 1, 2013 by Chi townD

[cavalier99]

It really is probably as easy as that. I just start thinking and once I start thinking about doing something, I never end up doing it. I've never been rejected in that way so I'd imagine it would hurt the first time and probably a few times after that, but I really need to start putting myself out there. It's getting ridiculous now.

 

There's one girl who I really liked and she isn't in my classes anymore because she switched her schedule around but I saw her last week as I was leaving the gym and we waved to each other. I want to approach her and just talk to her casually but I get intimidated if I see her with other people. I actually get intimidated to talk to anyone if they're talking to other people. I try to find a way to join in the conversation but sometimes I have nothing good to say.

 

Get a book on overcoming approach anxiety. This is a huge if you can overcome this and will change a lot for you in your life. Cav

[na49]

lol Chi you're not bugging me. I know I'm not in any position to be dating, because when I ask myself "What do I want my next girl to be like?" my answer is "my ex"

 

I'd like to expand my game to other girls in other classes too. There's a girl in another one of my classes who watches baseball (and I'm a huge baseball nerd) I want to strike up a conversation about something related to baseball. Just a friendly conversation to make me feel better about myself. It doesn't have to turn into a night on the town. (and if it does then that's a plus)

 

Then there's the two girls I talked about earlier who are always talking to each other and I just want to interrupt them because they are both really easy going. The girl who sits in front of me apologizes for sh*t for no reason and is very considerate (asks if her head is in the way while we're taking notes for example). They also seem like they have a good sense of humor, so I just want to talk to them. Getting the conversation started is my biggest problem. I can find stuff to talk about and I'm getting better at keeping conversations going still not great at it though. Sometimes when I do keep it going, it is still going nowhere.

[McDonald]

lol Chi you're not bugging me. I know I'm not in any position to be dating, because when I ask myself "What do I want my next girl to be like?" my answer is "my ex"

 

I'd like to expand my game to other girls in other classes too. There's a girl in another one of my classes who watches baseball (and I'm a huge baseball nerd) I want to strike up a conversation about something related to baseball. Just a friendly conversation to make me feel better about myself. It doesn't have to turn into a night on the town. (and if it does then that's a plus)

 

Then there's the two girls I talked about earlier who are always talking to each other and I just want to interrupt them because they are both really easy going. The girl who sits in front of me apologizes for sh*t for no reason and is very considerate (asks if her head is in the way while we're taking notes for example). They also seem like they have a good sense of humor, so I just want to talk to them. Getting the conversation started is my biggest problem. I can find stuff to talk about and I'm getting better at keeping conversations going still not great at it though. Sometimes when I do keep it going, it is still going nowhere.

 

I know what you mean about a conversation going no where lol.before my ex broke up with me, I was able to talk to any girl. It didnt matter how amazing looking there were. I was not intimidated. I rembr sitting behined these two amazing looking girls in class and they were talking about a party my fraternity threw the night before. I immediately jumped in and had a great conversation. I feel as if our ex's have us a hig sense of security that at least for myself, never had the chance to develop alone last year. Now that's she is gone, it feels like a realy start to a new college. How last year should have felt. It's funny because during the relationship I would have does for this opportunity to be able to date al the girls I was talkin too... Now I can barely make a move.

 

However here's something funny, today in class I decided to talk to this girl who I have been finding attractive for the past couple weeks. I weber I overheard her talking to a friend saying that she's going home this weekend to see her boyfriend..... So what did I do? I started talkin to her friend instead lol. At least the self esteem is slept on the rise.

 

Sorry to high jack your thread. I guess my message is that.. Though you think about her still, that doesn't mean you can't talk to other girls.

[na49]

It's insane how similar our stories are. I know EXACTLY how you feel. (surprise! ) It sounds like you're a bit more social than I am but I talked to girls when I was with her with no problem at all. Looks didn't matter, I would be talking to them and hold the conversation well enough. Being my usual sarcastic self, getting a few laughs here and there.

 

Now? Forget it. I freeze up. Also I'm very soft spoken so when I do talk to someone, sometimes they don't hear what I'm saying. It was that security of knowing I had her so what anyone else thought of me was irrelevant. Now I don't have her and I'm really concerned what everyone thinks of me.

 

I haven't been missing her much today either. How long will I last?

[Simon Phoenix]

Of course it's easier to talk to girls when you have a girlfriend. Because there's no pressure, so you don't give a s--t and you can just let loose. You don't care about impressing the woman you are talking to because you already have one. Women pick up on the fact that you are relaxed and confident and gravitate toward that.

[LostOne1]

It's insane how similar our stories are. I know EXACTLY how you feel. (surprise! ) It sounds like you're a bit more social than I am but I talked to girls when I was with her with no problem at all. Looks didn't matter, I would be talking to them and hold the conversation well enough. Being my usual sarcastic self, getting a few laughs here and there.

 

Now? Forget it. I freeze up. Also I'm very soft spoken so when I do talk to someone, sometimes they don't hear what I'm saying. It was that security of knowing I had her so what anyone else thought of me was irrelevant. Now I don't have her and I'm really concerned what everyone thinks of me.

 

I haven't been missing her much today either. How long will I last?

You sound like me man... I'm soft spoken too.. sometimes people can't hear me. Then I feel like an idiot, and have to repeat myself haha.

 

I agree man knowing you have a g.f helps so much. Because you got nothing to worry about with girls. I probably had more girls interested in me while I was with my ex.

 

I find it a bit harder now, but the confidence is slowly building up again. You jsut gotta go out there and be yourself.

 

If you talk to 10 girls.. you're lucky if 1 works out. It's the numbers game and it means 9 girls might refuse you or not want to hangout/date etc.. but 1 might, so don't stop trying!

 

This is the time to date and look at what is out there

 

I messed up on the girl in my class. I liked her A LOT and I didn't have the confidence to show her and when I did it was too late. She assumed I didn't like her or just thought I was a chicken and guy with no confidence. So now no more of her.

 

But luckily I found someone else now and I'm sure it's going to be this way for awhile. Just keep talking and looking don't settle for anything unless you really feel it. Search and search and search.

 

Because I find to many people hide away and never get noticed and we miss those people out.

[na49]

Seriously I want to punch myself in the face. I give into my urge. I check her friend's facebook. He makes a post about her and talking to her on the phone. and now I'm here. again. Heart beating like crazy. Asking myself questions.

 

I need a hobby..

[Simon Phoenix]

Seriously I want to punch myself in the face. I give into my urge. I check her friend's facebook. He makes a post about her and talking to her on the phone. and now I'm here. again. Heart beating like crazy. Asking myself questions.

 

I need a hobby..

 

It's Friday night. You are in college. Why are you at home?

[na49]

I don't have a good answer to that question. I was studying earlier, but that's not a good excuse. I could have watched basketball, played video games until I passed out or done something besides sit on the computer and stalk my ex. but NOPE!

 

I'm so annoyed that I keep giving into these urges. After I see something like that, I don't want her anymore but I feel sick to my stomach. I keep trying to find trap doors to see what she's up to and who she's been talking to. How unattractive is that? I want to block this guy, but he posts everywhere so I'll see people responding to no one all the time which will get old fast.

 

Might have to though. I seriously hate that I am still pulling this sh*t and God knows the day I see her with this guy in a picture is the day I go back to square 1.

[McDonald]

I dont have the urge to check my ex's facebook.. but I do do this stupid thing of walking by her place all the time and guess what..there they are on the new guys balcony...

Its funny.. you would think after bashing our head against the wall all these times.. we would stop, but nope. There we are... still banging our head.

[na49]

I dont have the urge to check my ex's facebook.. but I do do this stupid thing of walking by her place all the time and guess what..there they are on the new guys balcony...

Its funny.. you would think after bashing our head against the wall all these times.. we would stop, but nope. There we are... still banging our head.

 

I can't handle seeing my ex's name. It sets me back. Seeing her in person with her girl friends hurts. I'd imagine seeing her and her boyfriend would absolutely destroy me. It's times like now that make me want to change schools just to get away from her and this drama I make for myself.

 

The thing that I hate the most is I'm not even checking my ex's facebook. I'm checking some dude she's talking to now who is apparently her friend's facebook. I saw him post her name in one status and I've been eyeing his page from time to time like a hawk. He's not her boyfriend, just a friend. I blocked the rock star a long time ago so I gather this guy is just a good friend of hers (a new friend of hers too, she never talked to him when she was with me but she's a social butterfly and lives on campus so she's meeting new people all the time). but why am I gathering anything? Why am I analyzing this crap? None of this sh*t matters! Gahhh!

 

The counselor and I will have a nice chat on Monday.

[McDonald]

Seeing them doesnt destroy me like it used too... in a way, it angers me and makes me have this feeling of wanting to win her back.. which isnt good either.

 

We are only doing these things to keep some type of contact with our exe's/ Since you blocked yours.. your way of connection is through this other guy right?

 

I say if you really keep checking up on it... block him, dont cheat yourself out of the NC.

[na49]

Seeing them doesnt destroy me like it used too... in a way, it angers me and makes me have this feeling of wanting to win her back.. which isnt good either.

 

We are only doing these things to keep some type of contact with our exe's/ Since you blocked yours.. your way of connection is through this other guy right?

 

I say if you really keep checking up on it... block him, dont cheat yourself out of the NC.

 

I guess after you see them enough, you get used to it. I've NEVER seen her with her new guy so I just hope when I do eventually (I think it's safe to assume I will see her on campus with a boyfriend at least once during my next 3 years at school) it won't set me back.

 

The annoying part to me is that this is such a bogus connection. This guy posts a million statuses a day and one of his statuses had her name in it so I deleted him immediately. Now that I know he knows her, I use him as a way of checking up on her. He writes statuses about her at times and how happy she makes him or how she understands him or how he talks to her on the phone. He doesn't do it all the time, but I go on his page and look for ones that mention her or ones that she may have commented and I just feel my heart race and my mouth get dry and I feel like crap.

 

I probably should block him... It's hard to explain, but his commenting on everything will just make facebook really weird for me. I'll see people responding to him and everything but I won't see what he's saying. Oh who am I kidding? I gotta block this kid.. I wonder if the rock star is still in the picture. I love not knowing what's gone on in her life for the past 5 months, but it definitely makes me wonder.

[McDonald]

It just shouldnt matter anymore. I miss my ex a good amount.. but I dont really wonder what she is up too... because it will only hurt me... (wow, maybe I should stop walking by her place now) F*ck it... its the weekend. Im going to a party, You should find something to do. Try not to think about it this weekend. Set that as your goal at least. You deserve to move on. This girl... she hurt you... you deserve someone who will NOT hurt you; who will NOT leave you for someone else...

 

Give yourself a break this weekend Na. I know weekends are the hardest. but go and enjoy yourself. I will try to.. and we can share our stories of the weekend on monday lol/.

[LostOne1]

na49.. man you need to GET out and talk to other girls. I really think you will only heal when you find other girls and realize you can get a lot of girls.

 

I think you are at the stage where you only want her. I was there, but as soon as I saw how many other girls I can get.. damn and younger ones too. I was like man why was I in a relationship in my younger years. I should've been with one girl and then another the week later haha.

 

It's time to get out and experiment, talk to different girls do crazy ****. It's a time of ur life to see new things and TRY new things. Stop dwelling on the past man.

 

trust me as soon as you open up to girls.. damn man you will see the true power you have as an awesome guy every girl wants. I know because I thought just like you and going out and chatting it up I realize I am amazing.. all these girls all over me and wanting to talk and get to know me.

 

it was scary at first, because for the last 3 yrs all I knew was my ex. Now I see a whole world ahead of me.. and nothing stopping me.

 

Don't let this girl destroy you man.. there is so much out there. Screw the video games.. put on some nice clothes and go to a bar. Talk to some girls and see how you do. You'll probably **** up the first few times.. I did.. it's GOOD. it means your trying and learning.

[Toddbt12y1]

I suppose I could share my whole story with everyone once again...Well, maybe in a more fuller light.

 

Maybe it will help someone, help you more Na49, or anyone else. It is so long though, 18165 characters lol...I believe.

 

My ex was the sweetest person I have ever known. Well, she "was." She went through several changes, but I love her dearly.

 

With that said, letme give you a brief history:

 

Her parents where divorced. Her mom is bank manager. Her dad owns his own water-factory. Her mom is a christian, and her dad a muslim.

 

She lived, Sara, my ex, with her dad at first. Her mom wasn't around, she is a selfish person. But, when her dad found out she was a christian, he booted his own daughter out. I was there for her, to shelter and love her.

 

However, she chose to go and live with her mom. Her mom didn't like me, and thought that I was a killer. Which I am not.

 

Me and my ex where together for four 1/2 years. When I met her, she was shy and sweet. A very cute, girlie girl. Not some high-minded person either. At first, I didn't love her; as that takes time. But in time, I grew to find myself loving her very dearly. I would die, and go to hell for her, if I must...

 

We had our first year troubles. Doubts. We worked through that, and ended up not even arguing for nearly three years; I had told myself, "I do not want to see her cry." So, I made sure to be kind and loving to her.

 

Now the bad-stuff, and this will answer your questions.

 

Sometime during the Summer, when she had time away from school; I rarely saw her. Now, her dad had long cast her out of his life, and was rather mean to her. She apparently, broke down, and became a muslim at the 3.5th year of our relationship.

 

So, she spent much of her time with him. In-order to make up this time, she promised me a month of undivided time. Which she would break, to honor a promise to her evil aunt; her aunt was malicious. She tried to seduce me, and it failed. She lied to Sara, and I proved my innocence. She confessed up.

 

She broke her promise to me, that she first made to me, so she could go to a cabin with her uncaring aunt. This actually resulted in our very first break-up. But we quickly got back together, realizing how stupid it was to break up over such a silly thing; although, she should have honored her promise with me.

 

At this point, she returned to school, and met this boy, John. I remember her telling me, "John is a good guy. Did you know, that he changed his courses so he could be in classes with me and sits by me?" That didn't bode well with me, and I told her his intentions, but she confessed he was a good guy and nothing else.

 

I had asked her to spend a free-friday with me. She once again promised she would. But broke that promise. Apparently, she said, "My dad found out I had this day off, and came to pick me up." Which was strange, considering, her dad was roughly four hours away from her.

 

So, she didn't spend any quality time with me.

 

Before I continue, a backcap of me: My name is actually Steven, and todd is the alias I use on here. I am a descent person, though, I assure you, do make my mistakes. I never cheated on her. I was tempted, passed those temptations. I loved her. I would help her with her studies, including reports that took forever, and helped her to pass her classes. I would talk to her for hours, and when we made love, made sure she got pleasure over me.

 

I tried to lead her in the right way. We even had nights where I would read to her. I loved it more than any movie night. I loved her, being around her. Being good to her.

 

Back to the point: I was beginning to get discouraged and my family/friends noticed. They began to question me, as I usually do not confine in people my problems, as I do not put much faith in people. I eventually told them, and they did give advice, though it wasn't easy getting advice from them.

 

They had told me that this is all trouble, and will end badly; I didn't listen. Well, one night, I text her. I get this response back "Leave my gf alone stalker!" Which startled me. As such I told her off, not the person who sent that to me, I just focused on her. Yes, I called her a "whore." And other things, I never dreamed I could.

 

So, I took a walk with a friend, and we discussed this. Later that night, she calls me, and informs me her phone was stolen. She had forgot it at school, and it was stolen. Later, she would tell me that John had found it, as he emailed her. Funny that, huh?

 

I told her it was him then, who sent that text. But she chose to believe him over me, once again, "He's a good guy." I guess after four years, I wasn't.

 

I was hopeless. I would walk around this local park, as it was very gorgeous at night with the lighting. I would think for hours, trying to sort this out. Pleading to God, and thinking...Watching the light flicker and dance on the lake.

 

One day, she comes around. She is super nice. Super happy to be around me. I was static. But later that night, she refused to make love to me, or even change in front of me. Normally, this isn't an issue, as we have made love and etc, dozens of times.

 

So, we argue. I leave. She waits till I return. Kisses and apologizes to me. Saying, "Despite all the bad that is happening right now, we have had many more good moments, so I do not want this to end."

 

Well, days later, I find out that John guy is gone for good. That must explain why she was being nice. Now my birthday is Sept. 11th, and she said she had got me something for my birthday.

 

Well, I just wanted her around for my b-day..But she went off to spend time with her mom...Instead of me. We argue. I tell her I do not want that gift. Later I change my mind and apologize. Which she said, she will give it, but never did. Claiming "It was lost."

 

During Oct. Halloween. I wanted to spend time with her, as we rarely did at this point. She comes around and shows me this insanely skimpy dress, you can easily see her thong and rear-end. I didn't like that. At this point, I was already paranoid over her, and voiced my disgust at how short it was. She assured me it had trim.

 

Unfortunately, she didn't spend anytime with me, but oh well. Come Feb. 14th, her b-day. I go see her, and sheh as all these gifts, as expected. She is wearing this golden-heart pendant. She said her dad had gotten her.

 

Then she stoops over and says, "Oh this is the necklace you got me before." Picks it up off the ground..an expensive necklace. Needless to say, she had a teddy bear with a heart on it.

 

I had gotten her soo many gifts, it was insane. I brought her 200$ worth of flowers, her favorite. An expensive ring, with our names engraved over two en-closing hearts with a diamond in the middle of it.

 

She had put my gifts aside, didn't say thank you. Didn't try them on. When she noticed my displeasure, she had said, "They are fake, and she is allergic to fake stuff." Now, I will admit, some of these gifts come with a special 5$ piece of jewerly. And people can be allergic, but that ring and necklace was far, far from fake.

 

I was unhappy most of the day. She actually stayed near, as she believed in spending time on Valentine/B-day of hers. However, she ignored me, and was on her phone constantly. I told her to put the phone down, it is our time. She merely hides the phone and the fact she was texting. I caught her on this.

 

But, since it was her bday, we didn't argue. I went to bed miserable, and broken. At this point, I had given up. I just lost my enjoyment in everything. I still worked, still walked, still this and that. But I just didn't care if she texted, called, or made an appearance.

 

For a while, we didn't argue, cause of this. She wondered why I was acting this way, lol. I just told her, "I am tired from work." I just no longer cared.

 

Well, later on, she had met this other guy, named Moe. He was a muslim too. She had swore she didn't like him nor was she friends; but they where friends on Facebook.

 

I had told her, one day, that I had went out with friends, and their gfs. Well, she got very jealous, and sent me these messages,

"Mmm, Moe, that was soo ****ing good at the motel last night!" "Yeah you where the best. - Moe" <--- just like that. She had texted me that, to upset me, over something stupid.

 

She would also admit to me how she thought other guys where hot. Some hotter then me, not all of them though - how nice to tell your bf that of years.

 

I was too marry her. Back on topic: After that text, I lost it. I drove out to the country, and did my lowest act. I called her, had my .9mm, and was gonna kill myself. I told her all she had done to hurt me.

 

You know, she didn't care. I heard her mom/brother/sister in the background. She would randomly stop talking to me, to talk to them; all the while I had a gun to my head. She listlessly told me not to shoot myself; just didn't care.

 

Told me how she "lost the feeling of love, but knows she can work it out." Then was kind enough to tell me, "We have been broken up since April, and I have a fiancee now, we are gonna get married, I love him." This was a lie, and I proved it too her later on...

 

Nice to say those things to someone you say you love, that truly loves you, that is gonna kill himself. At this point, something snapped. I didn't hangup on her. I just dropped the phone and gun. Got in my car, cried like a baby, drove home...As I was driving it just stopped.

 

All the worry and care. Fears and hopes and anger. I found absolute ceaselessness. I didn't care anymore about any damn thing. Later, I would turn around and collect my stuff, ignore her calls, three times. Then answer, and spend a sleepless night listening to her babble.

 

We broke up.But she would text me, and much like an idiot, I would take her back. She apologized, confessed the lie.

 

Things where fine for two months. It was Sept. 11th again, she said "happy bday" and all that good stuff. Spent time with me, and it was great. I was happy for once...in a long time.

 

Unfortunately, by Oct it would be near the end. She had given me her email address. And linked it to mine. So we had each others. Through this, I found nothing bad at first. Then an email from her mom, asking for her to ask "John." If he wanted to come to their church party.

 

That was, of course, a very old email. Still alarming. It wouldn't be until I found a link to her mom's profile, through her email. This profile contained two different profiles of her daughter: One Sara, the other Gemma Camara.

 

Gemma Camara was her other name. Both had guys on it, though one had guys I never even know, random people. Not much info on it. The other was the most alarming.

 

It had all her school friends on it and of course, they where muslim(Not that it's a bad thing, just to stress her changes.) She even had Moe on it.

 

They had flirty messages on there. Like "I am crumpt..." He said. She would say, "I'm crumpt x2..." And many other things. I assure you, they where flirty in nature, I just cannot replicate that. She had many more too...and one that said, "If you don't love her, someone else will." As a status on her page.

 

I called her up. She lied, and said that it was a shared profile with her sister, and that she has a crush on Moe. Even though the profile picture was of her, and of course, had her phone number on it.

 

So, I asked to speak to her sister, and she said, "No, she is mad at you for posting what you posted on our profile..." (A little note: Me having enough of being a doormat, decided to post to all, that she was mine, and cheating, etc etc. -- she deleted it before they saw it)

 

Then, "She went off with my mom." Although, at first, she faked being her sister in an IM like chat, saying, "Sara isn't cheating on you, she is a good girl."

 

At this point nothing mattered. I told her to prove herself to me five times. First, was to write a status on her FB, to let everyone know, I am hers and she mine, which most of them knew anyway. She did, and showed that it was set to friends.

 

Later that night, I recieved an email, and it was from her. It had a picture of her facebook, and this "I love Moe." Written with a red circle around it and an arrow pointing to it.

 

Sending me that as she was suppose to prove herself. In typical fashion, she lies, and says she was hacked. Funny thing is, I could see at the top of that picture, her profile, and Moe's nice and up on her computer. I just didn't catch it at that time.

 

Later is was to make love. Failed. Later is was to delete Moe. Failed. Later to spend time with me. Failed. After the last one...I just told her this, knowing it would make her leave me alone...

 

"I neither love nor hate you anymore. You are not worth either." She got mad, left. It was over. Funny thing -- she had put up a picture of her and Moe together on his email, before I deleted all this crap off mine.

 

In reality, I told her a lie. I just needed her gone. I had had enough. I loved her. But I was a broken men. At first, I was just blank. But I eventually became extremely bitter and depressed.

 

I felt like my friends and family had abandoned me(although they weren't ever truly willing to help, aside my brothers. My older brother even took the phone from me, and told the girl, she was a dime a dozen, and that he's seen hotter girls then her that I could get. Which upset her.)

 

I felt like God had allowed her to get by with it, didn't justify me, and abandoned me too. I felt as though I was the bad-guy all along. Life was getting harder; work was getting to be an extreme burden.

 

Not to say, two-weeks after our break-up. I wreck my car for the second time; first time was a year ago, when this mess started. This wreck was awful, car went airborne, flipped, went airborne, flipped, went airborne flipped. Fortunately no one died.

 

But I truly felt alone. I felt angry. Eventually, I hated everything around me, but I hated myself more. For being weak, and for being a pathetic cry-baby doormat, over an uncaring girl. Yes, I would look her up, but decided to stop after I realized it would end in my hurt.

 

Unfortunately, she has soooooo Many facebooks, I cannot block them all...like a new one for each block. She appears every so often, but I don't let it bug me; it's just her. All with different names, her style.

 

I would lash out at those I loved. Even drawing a knife on my brother's gf, cause she argued with me. At this point, on a Sunday, after they left. I scream in rage at myself for being this way...for falling into such a state.

 

My other brother was there, the middle one. He talked to me, he told me, "You think she is happy? You don't know this for a fact; you see what she wants you to see. What she wants the world to see; you aren't there. You don't know. People will only post happy things, and never bad things about themselves. But her life isn't as great as you think.

 

You let people bring you down, Steven. You let them tell you, how less you are, like her. You let them determine your happiness; you start to feel how they say you should feel, and that is not you.

 

Because you are soo much better than this, and everyone knows it. You need to be better then this, and above this; to make yourself happy, and realize you can only get this happiness from yourself."

 

After that, I decided it was too much to stay angry and hurt the people I love. To prove my exes mother right about me, which was a lie anyway.

 

I started to control the depths of my anger. To step out of the shadows. The sun was set for so long; it was time it arise again. First, it required great effort. But now, I can control it once again. I will. I will make myself happy and not let other's be my happiness. Now, the sun is indeed rising again.

 

It has been a long time coming...Since I walked in the sunlight. I practiced what my brother had said, and it is working. I still can get down; but I quickly, very quickly, if not instantly, cast it and the haunting images and actions of her and my own negative self-view that came to light through this all out of my mind.

 

And here I am. I came to LS, not because I needed advice. I was already there. I just wanted to see what strangers thought of my plight. If I was truly bad. I was even willing to off picture proof of my defense. I got my help; and I decided to stay and help others...There is so much joy in that.

 

there we are......Do not flame Lsers I am far past any broken down stages so.

[Harradin]

Wondering, would it be worth for you to deactivate Facebook/Twitter for a while and work on yourself (working out/studying etc?) I decactivated mine because I kept getting urges and its done me wonders as I do useful things now rather then looking at Facebook/Twitter!

[Toddbt12y1]

Wondering, would it be worth for you to deactivate Facebook/Twitter for a while and work on yourself (working out/studying etc?) I decactivated mine because I kept getting urges and its done me wonders as I do useful things now rather then looking at Facebook/Twitter!

 

Oh. I am way over my ex. It's been a year/half. That story I told was in the past. I spend so very little time on FB. I do workout. I also practice martial arts.

 

I could give my.whole workout/meal plan and every suplement I take.

 

FB is mainly used by people to bitch or post retarded **** for a billion likes.

 

I don't need an ego boost. I only use FB to post quotes I like. Or to make arrangements to go out with friends.

 

My ex used it to whore around. All that I said is the past. Even if one of her million profiles should popup, and they have, it doesn't even in the slightest bother me.

 

I have learned a great deal on how to control my outta control emotions.

 

But I fully agree. No good comes from FB. Nor from twitter. They usually aren't even used as intended.

[na49]

Todd (or Steven depending on which you prefer)

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It ended much worse than mine btw. I could see myself in your shoes if my ex didn't dump me when she did. I was told "this rock star guy was just a friend but her friends told her this guy has a crush on her. She doesn't have a crush on him because she loves me" Fast forward 24 hours, she doesn't love me anymore and I'm the most depressed I've ever been in my life. More depressed than when my grandfather passed away which is horrible because my grandfather meant much more to me than she ever will.

 

You seriously sound like a war veteran with your story lol. It's refreshing to see how well your doing now as opposed to where you were. It makes me hope that at one point I can share your mental state of being indifferent and letting any feelings of hate go. I loved this part btw

 

You let people bring you down, Steven. You let them tell you, how less you are, like her. You let them determine your happiness; you start to feel how they say you should feel, and that is not you.

 

Because you are soo much better than this, and everyone knows it. You need to be better then this, and above this; to make yourself happy, and realize you can only get this happiness from yourself."

 

Just what I need to tell myself now. I'm my own worst enemy in all of this when I pull crap like last night where I'm peaking thorugh little holes to try and learn stuff about my ex.

 

I don't think you were a bad guy. I think you were in love. You were emotional. I'm sure you can spin a lot of the things that I did as me being the bad guy. My ex was sick the weekend before she broke up with me so I was constantly asking if she was okay, if she had everything, etc. Apparently she didn't like that. (she didn't tell me but she told her friends) Meanwhile when I'm sick she's trying to nurse me in her dorm room giving me a bunch of different medicines. Double standards? Well yeah. I can't cheat. She can. I can't hold hands with another girl. She can hold hands with another guy. I don't need to go any further. You get the point.

 

Facebook is more of just a time passer for me. I've blocked/unsubscribed from so many people who could potentially mention her it's crazy. This guy seems to be just another trap door that I have set for myself. I think I have to block him though. It's funny because this kid did nothing wrong, but most people I have blocked haven't done anything wrong. (except for her, the rock star and a few of her friends)

 

I rarely ever post anything honestly, it's just another site that I look at when I'm bored. I don't think I can get myself to get rid of it completely, my college has a board where information is posted (and this guy posts on EVERYTHING!) but do you guys think I should block this guy already?