Why do I feel worse?

[na49]

They really are out of our control. That's what I have to remind myself. As much as I would love a happy ending to this story, there's nothing. NOTHING I can do about fixing things. They're broken. They've been broken. and they'll just have to stay broken.

 

Weekends suck. It's funny because in this self help book I got from my counselor it mentions weekends being worse for the broken hearted than week days. Totally agree! I stick my face in my books to stay busy, but my mind wanders to her and stays there.

[McDonald]

It's all what you make it to be. You have the power to not make them suck. Sure right now they maybe won't be as good as how they were with your ex... But that doesn't men you can't go out and have some type of fun or get some bodies and play video games or something. The first month and a half I just stayed in my room. My roomate threw a party for me just because he knew I was down... But I literally just went to sleep as a party was goin on in my room lol.

 

So I try to get out because who knows... My next girlfriend could be there waiting. Won't know until you try.

 

Oooo but I'm getting angry again just beause like yesterday. I waved to her and all she could do was smile? she puts our 8 months together in one smile? Christ...

 

It's hard enough for me to wave.... She's being a real b|tch. And I... And you... Don't deserve this from our ex's.

 

You should transfer and come here and we can wingman Eachother haha

[Simon Phoenix]

na, you need to socialize on the weekends, not just study. Hang out with friends. Being cooped up in a textbook won't do crap for you. And McDonald, next time don't wave. Her smiling is what you should have done in the first place. Do you wave at all of your friends? Most of them? Any of them? I don't blame her for that, I blame you for going for an over the top greeting. She's the past, keep her there. You don't have to shun her, but a polite nod, smile or a "hey" is sufficient. You screwed yourself up by upping the greeting for no reason.

[McDonald]

well it wasnt like an excited wave lol Kinda half assed and i was on the phone.. but i get it

[Hoaks]

Hi guys,

I have read through this whole thread over the last week or so to help with my breakup. I love my ex so much, she just does not love me anymore and I feel she wad cheating on me anyway.

 

But let me tell you guys who are going NC something. You all are doing great and never break it. My ex contacted me after 5 weeks of NC just to ease her guilt I think. Said she missed me so much and I was the only one she ever loved. She said we need to meet up for a drink and swap some of out things over. This made me feel great for 5 minutes, then rock bottom again. A week later we meet up (which was last night) swap stuff and go for drink. We kind of got back together, few kisses and hugs. I told her I love her, she wouldnt say it back.

 

So I left feeling good, today she wont reply to anything and wont contact me. Shes breaking my heart again. She only wanted to feel good about herself and get her stuff back. Shes out with someone else feeling less guilty and happy. You might be thinking man give her time, but I know her, this is her mind game. She will go total nc now and thats that. So everyone sticking to nc, you are powerful strong people, I wish to hell I never saw or spoke to her again as I am back to square 1 after 6 or so weeks. This is a killer, my lowest of lows :(

[Wabisabi]

Gawd...I feel sooo awful today. Only in my 4th day of NC but the worst so far. I'm supposed to be busy, I've got a lot of work waiting to be done but all I can see is his face and all I can think of is what if he'll never talk to me anymore...CRAZY I know and futile but I can't help it! My head's gonna explode! He's not the guy I used to love and our story is history but why on earth can't I let go already?! I need a brainwash!

[cavalier99]

Hi guys,

I have read through this whole thread over the last week or so to help with my breakup. I love my ex so much, she just does not love me anymore and I feel she wad cheating on me anyway.

 

But let me tell you guys who are going NC something. You all are doing great and never break it. My ex contacted me after 5 weeks of NC just to ease her guilt I think. Said she missed me so much and I was the only one she ever loved. She said we need to meet up for a drink and swap some of out things over. This made me feel great for 5 minutes, then rock bottom again. A week later we meet up (which was last night) swap stuff and go for drink. We kind of got back together, few kisses and hugs. I told her I love her, she wouldnt say it back.

 

So I left feeling good, today she wont reply to anything and wont contact me. Shes breaking my heart again. She only wanted to feel good about herself and get her stuff back. Shes out with someone else feeling less guilty and happy. You might be thinking man give her time, but I know her, this is her mind game. She will go total nc now and thats that. So everyone sticking to nc, you are powerful strong people, I wish to hell I never saw or spoke to her again as I am back to square 1 after 6 or so weeks. This is a killer, my lowest of lows :(

 

Wow you read the WHOLE thread?! Impressive lol.

 

Just stay NC at ALL costs. It does get better. Cav

[cavalier99]

Gawd...I feel sooo awful today. Only in my 4th day of NC but the worst so far. I'm supposed to be busy, I've got a lot of work waiting to be done but all I can see is his face and all I can think of is what if he'll never talk to me anymore...CRAZY I know and futile but I can't help it! My head's gonna explode! He's not the guy I used to love and our story is history but why on earth can't I let go already?! I need a brainwash!

 

The 1st month is definitely the worst. Just keep going and don't break NC..EVER!

 

NA- Seems like your thread is a inspiration to many!

[na49]

Simon- I really need to. When I'm hanging out with my friends, my ex is the LAST thing on my mind. Then I come home and she moves to the first few things on my mind. I've noticed lately I don't think of her as soon as I wake up anymore which is nice.

 

McDonald- stop shooting yourself in the foot man. She doesn't owe you anything. Be happy that she smiled back, I feel like if I waved at my ex, she'd ignore me. Not to say I wouldn't do the same thing if she waved at me or acknowledged my existence. but still.

 

Hoaks- Sorry to hear about that man. You may have been back together in the physical sense, but her feelings have been gone for a while now. I feel like you'll hear from her again. It just depends on what she's going to say to you.

 

Wabisai- NC gets harder before it gets easier. Then it gets harder again. Just stay strong. Trust me. This isn't the last time you'll ever talk to him. You just may never hear what you want to hear from him.

 

cav- lol I know right? Everyone here is so awesome that I love to help others like you guys have helped me. because let's be honest, you all have helped me A LOT.

[McDonald]

I would reply but I'm not going to talk about it today. It's already Been a ****+y morning.

Not because of the BU but everything else that has happened after the fact

[asdfasdf1234]

So I've read a decent amount of this thread, probably the last 6 or 7 pages and the first few.

 

na: You need to have sex with a new chick. Honestly, that will help you tremendously. Okay, so you aren't going to go to a hooker. So you need to DATE.

 

I've been in your situation. When you are cheated on it ****s with your head brutally. I was completely torn apart when I found out my ex cheated on me while I was on vacation. My reaction was strange, I immediately told her to **** off and broke it off. Then she kept messaging me, saying sorry, etc and after two drunk lonely weekends I took her back, for a few days. Those few days were horrible. My self esteem plummeted. She let some dude put his dick where my tongue had been???? Even now, a year and a half later it makes me mad.

 

So I broke up with her again. She messaged me and whatever but I went NC. You know what I did? I dated and had sex like a mad man. Did it make me feel better? Sort of. It distracted me. It made me realize I was desirable, and she was the lucky one to be with me.

 

Looking back on all of this I realized a few things. She had major issues with needing validation from men. You DO NOT want to be with someone like that long term. I read your post where you said if you could have just talked things over before they went to that point then you could've been together forever. This isn't true for most people that deal with cheaters. Sure, maybe a few only do it once, but I believe for many women it is a symptom of a bigger issue. They cannot love you if they do not love themselves.

 

This NC journal is great, but it is only one piece of the puzzle IMO. You need to date dude. There are plenty of chicks out there who would oblige. Also, as someone said earlier, go out with your boys on the weekend! Studying is great and important but if you lock yourself away in your room all you will do is romanticize your relationship and yearn for it more!

 

Good luck, I've enjoyed reading some of these posts.

[na49]

If it was as easy as just walking up to a girl and hooking up, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I've got other issues beyond this BU though, my self esteem and confidence have been in the sh*tter for a while and this BU hasn't helped that.

 

My ex definitely has issues. The problem is that I didn't mind. I was almost willing to settle for her and all of her problems because I was into her for whatever reason. I see herself getting her heart broken a lot throughout college just because she needs validation from others all the time. I almost feel sorry for her.

 

as far as I know this is the first time she's cheated. but she's someone else's problem now.

[McDonald]

I agree with asd and I can use his adivce as well. I know I said I wouldn't reply today but damnit I'm sitting in section today and tHe TA assigns my group te assignment to pretend we were breaking up with a gf/bf. we had to figure out what they would say over text message.. The phone.. Etc.

 

I can never catch a break... And now I'm just extremely fusterated. This was the last day of classes and I'm seeing how I have waisted this whole quarter. Screw all this man I don't deserve to feel like this. How can something you put more energy into than anything before just fail... Just destroy you.. To hurt you more than anything else. It just doesn't make sense. Why put the effort in next time? Why waist the time..

Edited March 15, 2013 by McDonald

[asdfasdf1234]

If it was as easy as just walking up to a girl and hooking up, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I've got other issues beyond this BU though, my self esteem and confidence have been in the sh*tter for a while and this BU hasn't helped that.

 

My ex definitely has issues. The problem is that I didn't mind. I was almost willing to settle for her and all of her problems because I was into her for whatever reason. I see herself getting her heart broken a lot throughout college just because she needs validation from others all the time. I almost feel sorry for her.

 

as far as I know this is the first time she's cheated. but she's someone else's problem now.

 

na and McDonald: How old are you guys?

 

I ask because I really didn't get confidence until I was around 25 or 26. Granted, I was in a 5 year relationship throughout my early 20s but still.

 

What helped me was getting in good shape. Do you guys lift weights? If not I would suggest starting. When you get in good enough shape to where you start looking like someone who works out (and I don't mean the fat buff guy) I mean the guy who has some muscle but is relatively lean.

 

That improved my confidence by leaps and bounds. I was always chubby until I was in my early 20s and started lifting. It only took 2 - 3 years. Once you are in good shape, have a tan, etc, just start going out with friends (on second thought this isn't a requirement, but it helps A LOT) and talking to girls. I'm not talking about HOT girls, I'm talking about ANY girls. It all helps build your confidence. Shoot, you don't even have to start with talking to girls, just start talking to ANYONE. Seriously, when you are out at the store, or gas station, or whatever, just start sparking up a conversation with anyone.

 

Once you are comfortable talking to anyone (not girls, just anyone else), it becomes an easier transition. Then you start talking to girls that aren't that cute, that you probably wouldn't date. Once you feel at ease with that, start talking to decent looking girls. Before you know it, you'll be talking to hot girls and not even worrying about it. That is when you become confident. I don't really buy into that PUA stuff (though, I have read quite a bit and hey if it works for you go for it), but there is truth to a lot of it. It is like anything else in life, you have to PRACTICE. Once you are to the point where you can go up to a girl and have her turn you down, and NOT CARE, you have arrived. But it all starts with BUILDING CONFIDENCE.

 

But seriously, with age, and getting to know yourself better comes confidence. I was the nerdiest, chubbiest kid in HS and I look back on it now and smile. Life is so much better when you can look back on your earlier years, and see how far you've come. Also, it builds character and makes you a more interesting person when you've seen both sides. That's what I believe, anyways.

[McDonald]

I'm 19 2nd year in college.

 

I did used to lift alot for my baseball team. Came to college.. Wante to better myself.. So started workin out more. But then I got a girlfriend and it all stopped. I'm slowly picking it up again though.

It is a confidence thing. My self esteem has taken a big blow and Maybe I don't miss the relationship maybe it's my Hurt ego trying to find something that will make it go up again. I used to be able to talk to a lot of girls! Even more so when I was dating my ex too!! She gave me this big boost of self esteem

Edited March 15, 2013 by McDonald

[na49]

I'm 18 and 1st year at college.

 

I never went to the gym, but have started this semester. I've been watching what I eat a lot more than I used to. I'm sure once I'm looking good, I'll be feeling better. Even now, I feel much better when I put a little extra time into what I'm wearing as opposed to days I just wear sweatpants.

 

I have a long way to go, because I get nervous talking to random people at times. I don't know why because I'm fine at first, then I get nervous, give one word answers, stop looking them in the face and the conversation just ends.. I'm afraid of anyone rejecting me at the moment, not just girls.

[LostOne1]

I'm 18 and 1st year at college.

 

I never went to the gym, but have started this semester. I've been watching what I eat a lot more than I used to. I'm sure once I'm looking good, I'll be feeling better. Even now, I feel much better when I put a little extra time into what I'm wearing as opposed to days I just wear sweatpants.

 

I have a long way to go, because I get nervous talking to random people at times. I don't know why because I'm fine at first, then I get nervous, give one word answers, stop looking them in the face and the conversation just ends.. I'm afraid of anyone rejecting me at the moment, not just girls.

Don't be afraid man.. think like I do now.. DON'T CARE. Act like your normal self.. but don't care. Think of it as I am talking to this person, if we become friends cool.. if not it's not the end of the world there are millions of other people out there.

 

And if someone wants to be friends or more.. they will show that interest and relate to you. So don't be afraid.. just know you did your best and move on with the day when things go bad.

[McDonald]

i was lucky and my ex really did all the work getting me to like her.

 

I have never actually tried to get the attention of someone I liked. Always freindzoned.

[na49]

My ex also came onto me. She even asked me to her prom before I asked her to mine. So I've never really pursued a girl that I liked because I never had the stones to do it. My ex made my life so much easier. I was able to meet people through her and she made me so much more social. It sucks how I got a taste of what life would've been like if we were together during the first month of college and then she dumps me and I'm lonely now.

 

Anyway, it really comes down to just not giving a sh*t. I just freeze up. I have the chance to start a conversation but instead I don't say anything. Then I'm kicking myself the rest of the day because I didn't do anything.

[OJ loved Nicole]

I have the chance to start a conversation but instead I don't say anything. Then I'm kicking myself the rest of the day because I didn't do anything.

 

Man you sound exactly like me!! How I got over it..... I started talking to everyone (and I mean everyone). The guy behind me waiting to check out, the cashier, the gal pumping gas next to me, the guy who works the desk at my gym, etc.

 

Old, young, ugly, attractive, men, women.... it doesn't matter, just talk to them. This gets you in a talkative state. Have ZERO attachment to outcome while doing it: "I don't want anything from this person, I JUST want to talk". When it's time to approach a person of interest, no biggie, you've done it a million times.

[asdfasdf1234]

Man you sound exactly like me!! How I got over it..... I started talking to everyone (and I mean everyone). The guy behind me waiting to check out, the cashier, the gal pumping gas next to me, the guy who works the desk at my gym, etc.

 

Old, young, ugly, attractive, men, women.... it doesn't matter, just talk to them. This gets you in a talkative state. Have ZERO attachment to outcome while doing it: "I don't want anything from this person, I JUST want to talk". When it's time to approach a person of interest, no biggie, you've done it a million times.

 

This x 10000000.

 

Also, the not caring comes with confidence. Confidence can be built soooo many ways. Working out helps a lot but so does just being around people. Learn a new sport or something, preferably a team one. Do you play any sports?

 

Ever thought about joining a frat? Not sure what type of a college you are at.

[McDonald]

Im in a fraternity and yea it helps with the social aspect of things but right now I jsut cant get myself to carry conversations like how I used to.

 

Its like my mind doesnt want to put in the effort again to maybe get shot down.. or shot down months later.

 

I just dont understand how the on thing I have put more energy into than anything else... can just fail like that.

[LostOne1]

My ex also came onto me. She even asked me to her prom before I asked her to mine. So I've never really pursued a girl that I liked because I never had the stones to do it. My ex made my life so much easier. I was able to meet people through her and she made me so much more social. It sucks how I got a taste of what life would've been like if we were together during the first month of college and then she dumps me and I'm lonely now.

 

Anyway, it really comes down to just not giving a sh*t. I just freeze up. I have the chance to start a conversation but instead I don't say anything. Then I'm kicking myself the rest of the day because I didn't do anything.

I was the same with my ex and after my ex.. She kinda came on to me and did things to make it so much easier. I kinda didn't have to do much.

 

Then after we BU I found it pretty hard.. I mean you go from having things easy to you gotta be a REAL man..

 

But what I learned is it's GOOD to go through this, because honestly some girls are shy or reserved like us too. And as a guy if we don't do anything or take action she will move on.

 

What I've developed after the BU is a new set of skills to be a REAL man. That is to have the balls to talk a girl and take control of the situation. We had it easy before, now it's time to have it the hard way.

 

I think that's one reason why our ex's had an easier time leaving us is they had most of the control. Now it's time for YOU to be in control. Be the man and talk to the girl and win her heart and LEAD.

 

That's the new me now.. I LEAD now rather than follow the girl. I take the initation of taking ehr to coffee or dinner or some place where we can talk. I set the time and place and I think honestly from what girls have told me.. THEY want the guy to take these steps.

 

See with my ex SHE always made the plans. And to be honest I think it was wrong. And I'm sure she got fed up of it too. Most girls lately have said if I never asked them out.. there is NO way they would ask me out. I assume because they expect the guy to make the move. I think only 1-2 girls outta like 10 actually asked me out or put pressure for me to see them. The rest all expected ME as the GUY to do it.

 

So man.. there you go.. This is the time to experiment so don't think about being stupid or lame. Just try different things and see what works. I mean trust me when you're like 5 yrs older you're going to laugh it all off about how shy or scared you were...

 

It's all in you man.. go out and mess up. That's how you learn.. how can you learn how to talk properly or what to say if you don't try.. mess up, learn and make adjustments? right?

[LostOne1]

Im in a fraternity and yea it helps with the social aspect of things but right now I jsut cant get myself to carry conversations like how I used to.

 

Its like my mind doesnt want to put in the effort again to maybe get shot down.. or shot down months later.

 

I just dont understand how the on thing I have put more energy into than anything else... can just fail like that.

Doesn't it happen with you at work? I'm sure in some class at school you put in everything and got a terrible mark still? did you give up the world then?

 

There must have been a time when you took part in some sport and missed a great chance to help the team.. did you give up then after trying so hard?

 

The examples go on and on.... but the thing is you never gave up then.. so why give up now on a girl? Just because it didn't work once.. doesn't mean it won't work again.

 

I failed a class once.. took it again a year later and passed it. I coulda given up too.. but I didn't... so don't let it take you down!

[Simon Phoenix]

My ex also pursued me too. Twas nice, but it's not the norm -- well, hell, it might be for this thread after reading this stuff. But yeah, it's all about getting out there and doing your thing fellas.