Why do I feel worse?

[suladas]

Dang what is with you guys lately? Forget them, they aren't worth another thought.

[destroyed4sho]

I think Ive gotten over her....broken up 8 months and almost 3 months NC. I hope it permanent....so Im not committing to this statement..(in case you see other crazy threads posted by me in the future.)

I think what did it for me was her contacting me again asking to be friends a week ago, saying no and then her saying not interested in anything more.

i felt angry but it took away alot of hope and i clearly saw what a self absorbed fake ******* she is with her empty 'i love u's still'....she was a liar and guess what? her 'i love u' dont mean thing and never did. now in my mind i have filed her as a pretty disturbed person with no ability to love...a big mistake on my part. A MISTAKE. i wish i never met her.

File your girl as a mistake. i then did this ritualistic thing where i told.my self i would walk to a water fountain by my house and throw a penny in it. i told myself that the penny symbolised the relationship, any hope i had for her to comeback and her worth in my life.

once thrown i was letting go of everything. as i walked to the water fountain, i cried! said somethings i needed to say about the relationship good and bad..thanked God it was over and told myself that even if she ever wanted me back it will never happen EVER AND BY throwing this penny somehow binds me to my word..and saw that penny sink to the bottom along with a billion other pennies. anyway i did it and when i turned away i swear, a huge burden lifted off my back.

 

ofcourse i still have questions about the relationship but Im over HER the person..and i would never want her back even if she begged. its been too long....its over...aint nobody gonna leave me for that long and try to comeback..****kk outta here.

[destroyed4sho]

Just to add, NC is not the end all be all and its not going to help you get over her. It is a START and giving yourself an opportunity to think clearly..

 

What ends all this madness is YOU YOU YOU gettig rid of the hope yourself. Not her or letting time get rid of it for you. YOUR thoughts and thinking and believing that even if this bitch came back to you begging, pleading on the floor grabbing your leg saying ' lets start over ' that you will say NO WAY and kick her right in her foul lying mouth.

Then its officially over.

 

Even if you feel like I cant do that, start envisioning it little by little and think about all the bad that she did. It will help. You Have to get to that point...its the only way. let go of the hope, HELP YOURSELF GET RID OF THE HOPE.

 

Its kinda like the better I stab him before he stabs me mentality. dont wait around , just do it.

Edited March 23, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[na49]

I think what f*cks with my head is that prior to blocking her number she was asking me to talk and asking me to be friends but I never responded. If I just responded and asked what she wanted to talk about I would feel better. If that didn't happen, I'm sure I wouldn't be having this much trouble. but the never knowing what she wanted to talk about is just killing me. I feel like asking her now.

 

Believe it or not, my head is at a better spot than it was 3 months ago. If I got a text like that today, I would simply ask what she wanted to talk about and not even make a thread on here about it. but 3 months ago, I was much weaker than I am now. I don't see myself going back to day 1 in my healing process, but anything could cause me a major setback at this point.

[destroyed4sho]

what she wanted to talk about is being friends. you know this...its been posted over and over on this forum. she wasnt going to say anything different or special or about wanting you back. trust everyone on this.

 

maybe you needed a little more suffering/rejection to get over it quicker, but then you would of lost some dignity so there is always a sacrifice.

[cavalier99]

I think what f*cks with my head is that prior to blocking her number she was asking me to talk and asking me to be friends but I never responded. If I just responded and asked what she wanted to talk about I would feel better. If that didn't happen, I'm sure I wouldn't be having this much trouble. but the never knowing what she wanted to talk about is just killing me. I feel like asking her now.

 

Believe it or not, my head is at a better spot than it was 3 months ago. If I got a text like that today, I would simply ask what she wanted to talk about and not even make a thread on here about it. but 3 months ago, I was much weaker than I am now. I don't see myself going back to day 1 in my healing process, but anything could cause me a major setback at this point.

 

 

Read the post by liveandlearn (formerly homebrew) . Stop deluding yourself NA. What he wrote is what it feels like if they want back. Yours wasnt even close.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/381502-ex-wants-me-back-but-she-s-engaged-o_o

[destroyed4sho]

I think what f*cks with my head is that prior to blocking her number she was asking me to talk and asking me to be friends but I never responded. If I just responded and asked what she wanted to talk about I would feel better. If that didn't happen, I'm sure I wouldn't be having this much trouble. but the never knowing what she wanted to talk about is just killing me. I feel like asking her now.

 

 

She was using the bait and switch method that I just sent you about.

Baiting you in by saying "she wants to talk about something".

 

Leaving you wondering about whether she wants to apologize and get back together...so you respond...

 

After you respond, then switching it to ask you to be friends, hang out or talk on the phone as friends for their own selfish reasons.

 

That is what my ex did to me.

Pretty typical.

[na49]

You're probably right. She probably was doing that. She'd call, but never leave a voice mail...? huh? It was always "we need to talk" but I never knew what we needed to talk about.

 

I am honestly so afraid of having a setback right now. I need to find a way to feel like I did last week. Why do I feel like sticking my hand in the fire again if I know I'm going to get burned?

[suladas]

You need to make sure you don't find anything that's going on with her life until you are further along, because it will kill you, trust me. And don't think of it as a mistake, think of it as a learning experience.

 

You'll get there man. I'm 99% sure my ex is dating someone new, seen her tonight with some guy that i'm pretty sure i've seen before. And guess what? It finally doesn't hurt. I still wish I didn't have to see it though, mostly it just makes me wish I had found someone new by now. Back a while ago, about 3 months after the BU I seen the same thing and it hurt as bad as the BU all over again, I had to try my best to convince myself it wasn't that because it hurt too bad. It killed me to see that, because it meant so many lies and stuff. You don't want to see it, the less you know the better.

 

You just have to get to a point that you don't care. Yes you might want to be with them but at the same time you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. And no one is worth being miserable over.

 

The sooner you get there the better. You no longer care about hurting them or anything, you just want to move on and forget it. You need to forget about her wanting to talk to you. It's in the past, it means nothing. And contact with her will hurt you.

Edited March 24, 2013 by suladas

[na49]

Contact with her will hurt me. Checking up on her will hurt me. I don't know why I'm under the impression that contact will help me. It's so delusional to think that way. Usually this feeling of wanting to contact her goes away, but it's been a few days now and I still have it..

[Minneloa]

As I said before, I think you have too much time on your hands during spring break. That's the difference!

 

What is your plan for the day? You need to get out of the house & break this thought cycle, preferably by dong something physical like running. Go to the movies, call a friend, write your grandmother an Easter card, pull weeds out of the garden, but get active! Do something besides sit and think!

 

You can't control what happened in the past, but you can control how you deal with it in the present.

 

M.

[destroyed4sho]

maybe you do need to contact her so you can feel.more pain after she rejects you a final time. You will also lose a bit of dignity if you do this.

But if you feel like this will end your misery and springboard you into acceptance, then do it!!

i feel better now after last weeks Final rejection...however i did go thru a setback and major depression for a few days.

 

.maybe its what you need.

 

If your going to contact her be smart about it, maybe some of us can help.

Regardless, contact her through an indirect channel (like email) and be short enough.to get an answer that will end it. Avoid leading the convo to hanging out or seeing each other to discuss. you dont want.to be rejected to.your face!

Edited March 24, 2013 by destroyed4sho

[na49]

I just don't know if I should or not. I keep going back and forth in my head even when I try to stay busy. I contact her, she rejects me, I feel miserable. OR I don't contact her, I think about contacting her, I feel miserable.

 

The urge being this strong could have something to do with me having more time to myself but my spring break technically hasn't even started yet. This is just another weekend as far as I'm concerned and I still have these thoughts.

 

Her number is blocked, and text would be the way I would've wanted to do it. She's blocked on facebook, and I doubt she ever checks her emails.

 

I keep fooling myself. I checked her twitter a few months ago. Thought, okay she obviously doesn't miss me. She's still retweeting everything the douche rocket tweets. Time to move on. Then I start moving in the right direction and then it starts over again.

[suladas]

In my experience, contacting her did NOTHING but hurt me. Here is the way it's likely to go, no response, a bad response, or a neutral response, or one that leaves you wondering what it really means. I've got every single one of these and they all suck.

 

No response makes you think, did I say the wrong thing? Is she just having a bad day? Depending on how it was sent, did she actually get it? Did she even read it or just delete it? So many thoughts that don't end well and make you want to contact again.

 

Bad response, this one stung like a b*tch. My ex said "suladas I have nothing to say to you, we broke up a long time ago and I haven't spoken to you since." Do you want a response like that? Because I know how bad that hurt to get. Oh and for record, we had been broken up for much less time then you have at this point, and had been in a bit of contact and she still thought that.

 

The one that left me guessing, I thought it was probably a good response, but when I responded to it it led back to no response so it wasn't that good either. It was simply "i'm sorry, you're right".

 

Now I did honestly think no response would be ok if I knew she read what I had to say, but you don't get that confirmation with no response so it makes it suck to, and it's addicting to keep doing. I remember one message I though about sending for like 2 months, took 2 weeks to write it and after you wish you said different stuff, also based on how they respond you wish you said different things. I guess it did one thing for me, we've been in contact in the last few weeks fighting about neighbor stuff and it doesn't set me back to be talking to her. It just pisses me off thinking how much she has changed.

 

Now I was told to go NC and I didn't listen to the advice here, I had to learn for myself and get burned. I do know without a doubt it prolonged my healing. I don't know if I regret it thought. In some ways I think it was my first real BU so I can learn all the mistakes now, but other times I think well less pain is good to. I do think because she cheated on you it makes it a bit different and your attitude should be more towards "f*ck her" though.

 

I won't tell you what to do NA, but think about it before you do. I will say 99% chance contacting her WILL hurt you because you will get no response or a response you don't want. And think about it, what are you hoping to gain with it?

Edited March 24, 2013 by suladas

[NewPerspective93]

Personally, I feel that contacting her at this point would only be detrimental to you.

 

Your ex doesn't seem to care about your whereabouts; if she did, she'd have done more that just call you about a "talk".

 

I get how you still wonder about what she's up to, but it's pointless in your journey in moving on.

 

Her emotions are in HER control, not yours. Don't wonder and stay in the past, wondering how things might've been different if you acted a certain way. Things happened like they did. The only thing left is to smile and move on with YOUR life.

 

I will admit that I've dwelled on the past, but it only caused me misery and self-doubt. It was terrible. Don't do this to yourself, you don't deserve this, for I feel that this 95 page thread has been enough of a torture chamber that you could ever have.

 

Don't make someone else's life yours. Move on brother, things are much clearer on the other side.

 

Cheers.

[Compromize]

In my experience, contacting her did NOTHING but hurt me. Here is the way it's likely to go, no response, a bad response, or a neutral response, or one that leaves you wondering what it really means. I've got every single one of these and they all suck.

 

No response makes you think, did I say the wrong thing? Is she just having a bad day? Depending on how it was sent, did she actually get it? Did she even read it or just delete it? So many thoughts that don't end well and make you want to contact again.

 

Bad response, this one stung like a b*tch. My ex said "suladas I have nothing to say to you, we broke up a long time ago and I haven't spoken to you since." Do you want a response like that? Because I know how bad that hurt to get. Oh and for record, we had been broken up for much less time then you have at this point, and had been in a bit of contact and she still thought that.

 

The one that left me guessing, I thought it was probably a good response, but when I responded to it it led back to no response so it wasn't that good either. It was simply "i'm sorry, you're right".

 

Now I did honestly think no response would be ok if I knew she read what I had to say, but you don't get that confirmation with no response so it makes it suck to, and it's addicting to keep doing. I remember one message I though about sending for like 2 months, took 2 weeks to write it and after you wish you said different stuff, also based on how they respond you wish you said different things. I guess it did one thing for me, we've been in contact in the last few weeks fighting about neighbor stuff and it doesn't set me back to be talking to her. It just pisses me off thinking how much she has changed.

 

Now I was told to go NC and I didn't listen to the advice here, I had to learn for myself and get burned. I do know without a doubt it prolonged my healing. I don't know if I regret it thought. In some ways I think it was my first real BU so I can learn all the mistakes now, but other times I think well less pain is good to. I do think because she cheated on you it makes it a bit different and your attitude should be more towards "f*ck her" though.

 

I won't tell you what to do NA, but think about it before you do. I will say 99% chance contacting her WILL hurt you because you will get no response or a response you don't want. And think about it, what are you hoping to gain with it?

 

Man suladas, this is so right on the money it's scary. Contact and no response breeds more contact, "I have just one more thing to say that I KNOW will change her mind!". Then no response. Then a week later a little breadcrumb that means about 75 different things depending on when and in what mindset you read it in.

 

What about the "I miss you" or the "I love you" texts? You miss me? You love me? WTF? Obviously not enough to actually be with me! Quit fuc&ing saying it!

 

If you know she isn't coming back or she is uncertain, contact in any way sets YOU back to square one, IMO.

 

na49, I feel the pain you feel of wanting to contact her brother, I really do. It's a pain that will probably subside in time (I say probably because I am in the same boat as you with wanting to contact her and having contacted her to no response or a negative response). I know one thing for sure. Giving in to the urge to contact her WILL set you back every single time.

 

In your case, get out and date someone! Have a night out with a young lady and get your mind off of your ex! I know I am not even close to being ready to date someone but my breakup was much different than yours. You ex is with another man in a new relationship! You owe her nothing and I think you are holding yourself back in the fear that your ex "might" come back and you want to be available for her. Am I right? Just put yourself out there! You are a young guy for goodness sake!

[suladas]

Man suladas, this is so right on the money it's scary. Contact and no response breeds more contact, "I have just one more thing to say that I KNOW will change her mind!". Then no response. Then a week later a little breadcrumb that means about 75 different things depending on when and in what mindset you read it in.

 

What about the "I miss you" or the "I love you" texts? You miss me? You love me? WTF? Obviously not enough to actually be with me! Quit fuc&ing saying it!

 

If you know she isn't coming back or she is uncertain, contact in any way sets YOU back to square one, IMO.

 

na49, I feel the pain you feel of wanting to contact her brother, I really do. It's a pain that will probably subside in time (I say probably because I am in the same boat as you with wanting to contact her and having contacted her to no response or a negative response). I know one thing for sure. Giving in to the urge to contact her WILL set you back every single time.

 

In your case, get out and date someone! Have a night out with a young lady and get your mind off of your ex! I know I am not even close to being ready to date someone but my breakup was much different than yours. You ex is with another man in a new relationship! You owe her nothing and I think you are holding yourself back in the fear that your ex "might" come back and you want to be available for her. Am I right? Just put yourself out there! You are a young guy for goodness sake!

 

Well I learned it all the hard way. I never got any real confusing texts like I miss you or anything, the i'm sorry you're right was the most confusing one. The only confusing signals I got since we are neighbors was catching her looking at me and with a look that confused me. But I also know part of it is turning something into nothing, and finding clues that really aren't there. And one confusing thing was when she put on FB about getting a new job, I liked it and sent her a text congratulating her. No response and her not deleting me off of FB confused me. Because I was thinking, if you don't want to hear from me why not delete me? But it really means f*ck all.

 

Contact did set me back every single time, but I will say each time it set me back a little less, and you get more to the point that you just think it's not worth it, it is very addictive, a little less each time but still addictive. But each time I was hoping to talk to the person I was in the relationship with, not the person she became after. But unfortunately they have changed and you won't get to talk to that person.

 

Next go around when someone breaks up with me I will be deleting all of their information and never look back. I am being real, chances are this will not be any of ours last BU. I will NEVER contact them, I will move on and forget this exist. It may be easier said then done, but I learned that no good comes from contacting them.

 

You wanna know what the REALLY ****ed up part is? I am still in a bit of shock and disbelief that this is how it ends with me and my ex. I don't mean get back together, I just mean get back to somewhat talking terms. It still seems kinda surreal to me how it went from being so friendly to hating and name calling (from her end, I don't believe in it).

[RiceaRoni]

I just don't know if I should or not. I keep going back and forth in my head even when I try to stay busy. I contact her, she rejects me, I feel miserable. OR I don't contact her, I think about contacting her, I feel miserable.

 

The urge being this strong could have something to do with me having more time to myself but my spring break technically hasn't even started yet. This is just another weekend as far as I'm concerned and I still have these thoughts.

 

Her number is blocked, and text would be the way I would've wanted to do it. She's blocked on facebook, and I doubt she ever checks her emails.

 

I keep fooling myself. I checked her twitter a few months ago. Thought, okay she obviously doesn't miss me. She's still retweeting everything the douche rocket tweets. Time to move on. Then I start moving in the right direction and then it starts over again.

 

 

Even if she did miss you...I don't think she'd let you know. She wants to show she's happy with her decision, even if she may not truly be; but honestly you would never know unless she really really became unsure of her decision and wanted to truly rikindle things with you.

 

I would always go on my ex's twitter and tumblr trying to find signs of him missing me, and even tho I believe I did; it didn't help me at all...I saw sign but then I questioned myself like crazy (why doesn't he contact me if he misses me? Why is he still with his new gf then? etc).

 

Now I've been off of ALL social networking and omg I feel soooo much better. So much better because I no longer have anything to question about him, nothing to see, etc.

 

I have no idea how he feels and it shouldn't matter to me anymore. He chose for me not to be in his life anymore, and why would I want to keep contacting or worrying about someone who has made it clear to me that they don't find me valuable enough to stay in their life?

 

You want someone who WANTS to be with you, who will stay loyal an trustworthy to you. I truly understand how you're feeling Na, it's terrible to lose someone you shared so much with, but you gotta let go if they don't want you anymore...is it fair? No way it isn't, but when is life ever fair?

 

Enjoy spring break you deserve it. Go have fun...as much fun as possible

[na49]

I do want someone who wants to be with me. I've been trying to stay busy today, but I'm still having the thoughts. When I saw my counselor last week, she made me realize something. I don't think of much besides this BU.

 

I kind of want to check just to get it over with, but I also don't want to ruin my week. I know I'm being very repetitive with all of this crap, I'm sorry about that.

[suladas]

I do want someone who wants to be with me. I've been trying to stay busy today, but I'm still having the thoughts. When I saw my counselor last week, she made me realize something. I don't think of much besides this BU.

 

I kind of want to check just to get it over with, but I also don't want to ruin my week. I know I'm being very repetitive with all of this crap, I'm sorry about that.

 

No it's fine. I really do see a lot of the same stuff in you as me. How many months has it been for you now? It's ok to think about it a lot, slowly it will get less and less without you realizing it. I also find if something triggers it, I can still have a day where the BU is on my mind quite a bit. I don't fight it, I just think about it. In some ways I think it's good. I have learned so much from the BU, and it has become more about me then my ex when i'm thinking about it now. As long as you don't go all day thinking about how you need to get her back and crap like that, it's ok.

 

If you want to see how f*cked up I was, free feel to see some of the threads I made, I am in NO position to judge anyone.

[na49]

It's been 5+ months since the BU. 4+ months of NC.

 

Sadly it's been on my mind all day, even when I try to do other stuff. For some reason I'm convincing myself that contacting her would help me and bring her back. I'm trying so hard to not do anything stupid, I like to think if I can somehow get past this really rough patch, I'll be much stronger on the other side. Holy crap is it difficult though.

[suladas]

It's been 5+ months since the BU. 4+ months of NC.

 

Sadly it's been on my mind all day, even when I try to do other stuff. For some reason I'm convincing myself that contacting her would help me and bring her back. I'm trying so hard to not do anything stupid, I like to think if I can somehow get past this really rough patch, I'll be much stronger on the other side. Holy crap is it difficult though.

 

It is, but contacting her and getting a bad or no response will hurt worse. I can tell you that from experience on the many many times I made that mistake, not ONCE did it help me. And she dumped you she should come back if she wants to make things work, there is NOTHING you can do to fix or change anything. Add in the fact that she cheated on you and how long it's been, it would look downright pathetic to contact her.

 

I do understand where you're coming from. Until I did it to myself I didn't fully see how bad it hurts, and I couldn't convince myself it was a bad idea to contact her. You will end up better off once you get through this. I'm only 3 months ahead of you, and I will pretty much guarantee you it won't be long and you will no longer care.

[RiceaRoni]

It's been 5+ months since the BU. 4+ months of NC.

 

Sadly it's been on my mind all day, even when I try to do other stuff. For some reason I'm convincing myself that contacting her would help me and bring her back. I'm trying so hard to not do anything stupid, I like to think if I can somehow get past this really rough patch, I'll be much stronger on the other side. Holy crap is it difficult though.

 

I'm in the same time frame as you Na...I can tell you from experience that not contacting really does help. Yeah there are moments where I really really wanna check, but I remember about how hurt I become and how depressed it makes me feel so I promise myself to never go back to that sort of self torture..

 

You don't want to get hurt trust me Na...it's a vicious cycle that repeats itself, because you'll always want to keep checking up on her..it's best to stop the cycle now.

[na49]

Any response that isn't her telling me what I want to hear will hurt. Whether she ignores me, tells me she doesn't love me, tells me she hates me, tells me she loves me but doesn't want to be with me, WHATEVER she tells me would seriously mess me up.

 

I have these urges where I see something about her and it makes me feel miserable at first but then pushes me in the right direction. Last week seeing her name in a status made me feel horrible, but didn't push me in the right direction. I don't want to keep fooling myself into thinking "checking on her will help me move on". I don't want to be pulling this crap a year from now, still posting here about the same nonsense.

 

I just can't get "happy" and "content" like I was a few weeks ago. I have no idea how I can get back to feeling like that. The longer I feel this way, the more likely I'll be to mess something up. I have plans with friends on Tuesday, but nothing until then.

Edited March 24, 2013 by na49

[iouaname]

na - maybe you should consider getting yourself some kind of journal? I have a word document on my computer that is over 14 pages long that I use just to vent, organize thoughts, write letters to my ex, come up with goals... and sometimes even just to talk to myself. I have found it VERY therapeutic, and the best part is that nobody but me gets to read it, so even if I put the most pathetic/embarrassing thing in it, I don't have to feel guilty about having the feeling or writing it.

 

I know that you feel really down, obviously all of us relate to the kind of feelings that you're having. You talk a lot about how bad you feel about yourself and how much this has hurt your self-esteem, and I get that because I feel the same. But honestly, I think that you've handled yourself very well and I think that you should take comfort in the fact that even though you feel like complete **** and have for a long time, you've been extremely dignified in your grief. You haven't been "that crazy ex who won't leave me alone," so even if in yourself you feel weak and like you're lacking self-esteem, from the outside looking in you've been quite the man. That should give you some comfort!