Why do I feel worse?

[destroyed4sho]

I wonder whether this might help, not sure how it can help but I'd thought I'd post it. What it seems like to me is that you need to move forward but you keep using the idea of your ex to stay where you are.

 

 

Great post! :-)

[cavalier99]

I got totally smashed last night! Met up with a friend we hit 2 bars. Lot of beers and shots. I then proceeded to hit on some dudes girlfriend or date? He didnt like it. I totally started ****. almost got into fight. Then got thrown out of the bar.

 

IT WAS F*CKIN AWESOME!!!!

 

I even almost puked when i got home before passing out on couch fully dressed. Zambuka shots!!

 

Man its been years since ive had something like that happen. LOL Cav

 

oh. Didnt think of EX even once last night. I was having too much fun. NA should try this.

Edited March 27, 2013 by cavalier99

[McDonald]

And scared as hell to take a step into a world that doesn't have his Ex in it.

 

I think it is this. For me and you Na.

 

when I went out to a club a few nights ago and started having fun and dancing with other girls I started to think of her. Why? Becuase it was different, weird, for me to have fun and not think of her. So my mind began to think of her and the BU. It isnt used to having fun. Its so used to being sad, to be moping around. That once it gets out of its norm, which is sadness, it tries to get itself to being sad again because we are used to it.

 

Also These memories are the alst thing we have of our ex right Na? So if we are not ready to let go of the memories then we are not over her yet.

[cavalier99]

I think it is this. For me and you Na.

 

when I went out to a club a few nights ago and started having fun and dancing with other girls I started to think of her. Why? Becuase it was different, weird, for me to have fun and not think of her. So my mind began to think of her and the BU. It isnt used to having fun. Its so used to being sad, to be moping around. That once it gets out of its norm, which is sadness, it tries to get itself to being sad again because we are used to it.

 

Also These memories are the alst thing we have of our ex right Na? So if we are not ready to let go of the memories then we are not over her yet.

 

This happened to me also in the 1st months after the BU. I would go out and have fun but cry at then end of the night sometimes.

 

Last night was WAY different just having fun and no thoughts of her. Really didnt think of her today either until i posted here. Just stay NC and keep on trying to have fun and live your life. Youll get there. Cav

[na49]

I've had times where I came home after going out and just bawled my eyes out. It's weird, because I felt more depressed than I did on a day where I didn't go anywhere. Then sometimes when I am out, I just wish I could text her and tell her where I am or she'd always be blowing up my phone even if I was out with friends. I hated it, but loved it too. Lately I've been fine though. I used to feel really depressed when I got home from work too because I'd always call her when I got home and she was so excited. That phase has passed for the most part though.

 

One time she did get extremely jealous when one of my high school buddies who moved away freshman year came back to visit. She told me I couldn't go hang out with him because I had to video chat with her (hello?). Then when I did go out, she said "Don't text me when you're with him". I got home and wanted to go swimming because it was the hottest day of the year, but apparently I couldn't do that either according to her.

 

Memories are all I'm holding onto for sure. Why do I ignore all of the bad memories and zero in on the good ones? Well I don't really know. Probably because I don't want to believe that my first girlfriend was as evil as she ended up being. I don't want to believe that she actually thinks her life is better without me in it. Everything tells me that she is under the impression that I'm the one who was holding her back. Which is why she dumped me so early in college. That sucks when I think about it... People you just met are more important than your long time boyfriend.

 

It's nice to hear you got out and had a good time last night cav. Not sure how I feel about you hitting on another dude's girl, but who am I right? People do that stuff all the time.

[na49]

na, my question isn't why you think she misses you. It's why the f--k would you want to go back to something that toxic.

 

I would want to go back to something that toxic because it's all I know. I've never had a girl not cheat on me because she was my first. She's also familiar to me. I blow up her good attributes and ignore everything that I should hate about her.

 

From what I saw yesterday though, I want her a little less. She seems like a total flirt now, asking different guys to add her. Writing about how she knows she's beautiful but guys should stop staring at her . That was not the girl I dated. The girl I dated was not the witch who is stinking up the campus with her sh*tty attitude and her legs that she can't keep closed.

 

Listen, I'm not about to sell myself short, but she is NOT a super model or anything close. She's also not a trophy girlfriend to anyone (except for me) or a girl that everyone stares at and thinks "damn!". If they stare at her, it's probably because she's talking way too loud to her boyfriend who is trying his best to look interested. (guilty as charged! )

 

that probably wasn't a very good answer. I'm not really sure if I answered it to be honest. I guess the point is, I don't have a good answer as to why I want someone who cheated on me to come back.

[LostOne1]

This youtube also applies to na.

 

 

Also, na, my question isn't why you think she misses you. It's why the f--k would you want to go back to something that toxic.

He doesn't see it yet.. I think when he finally looks back at it all and maybe finds someone else. He will see how toxic it really was..

 

I was kinda like him I didnt see how bad it was.. till I met someone else. Then I started to look back and see all the flaws and realized wth was I thinking being with her. It was so toxic and it never would've worked.... and then its even easier to move on

[cavalier99]

 

It's nice to hear you got out and had a good time last night cav. Not sure how I feel about you hitting on another dude's girl, but who am I right? People do that stuff all the time.

 

Ha. Well i agree. But she was alone while i was talking to her. Then he showed up and was an ahole. I dont even know if it was his girl or just a friend. Anyway I was just sorta chiding him smiling after he was a dick. I really got under his skin because he didnt know if I was being nice to him or making fun of him.

 

He started getting riled up and I blew him a kiss with a sacrastic smile..that is when the bouncers grabbed me. lol. I was smoking cigarettes with them after out side and joking around. I had them convinced they thru out the wrong guy. lol i was just having fun. sometimes you need to mix it up and have adventures with a who gives a f*ck attitude. lol Cav

[destroyed4sho]

Ha. Well i agree. But she was alone while i was talking to her. Then he showed up and was an ahole. I dont even know if it was his girl or just a friend. Anyway I was just sorta chiding him smiling after he was a dick. I really got under his skin because he didnt know if I was being nice to him or making fun of him.

 

He started getting riled up and I blew him a kiss with a sacrastic smile..that is when the bouncers grabbed me. lol. I was smoking cigarettes with them after out side and joking around. I had them convinced they thru out the wrong guy. lol i was just having fun. sometimes you need to mix it up and have adventures with a who gives a f*ck attitude. lol Cav

 

I think we should all f*ck all this **** and go to Vegas and start trouble!! lol

[cavalier99]

I think we should all f*ck all this **** and go to Vegas and start trouble!! lol

 

That is the attitude I love! Cav

[Simon Phoenix]

I would want to go back to something that toxic because it's all I know. I've never had a girl not cheat on me because she was my first. She's also familiar to me. I blow up her good attributes and ignore everything that I should hate about her.

 

From what I saw yesterday though, I want her a little less. She seems like a total flirt now, asking different guys to add her. Writing about how she knows she's beautiful but guys should stop staring at her . That was not the girl I dated. The girl I dated was not the witch who is stinking up the campus with her sh*tty attitude and her legs that she can't keep closed.

 

Listen, I'm not about to sell myself short, but she is NOT a super model or anything close. She's also not a trophy girlfriend to anyone (except for me) or a girl that everyone stares at and thinks "damn!". If they stare at her, it's probably because she's talking way too loud to her boyfriend who is trying his best to look interested. (guilty as charged! )

 

that probably wasn't a very good answer. I'm not really sure if I answered it to be honest. I guess the point is, I don't have a good answer as to why I want someone who cheated on me to come back.

 

No, you pretty much answered it, just in a lot more words than necessary. I can sum up your response in two words:

 

You're afraid.

 

Those two words encompass every reason why you keep reverting to the lap dog phase (albeit privately instead of publicly, thank god). You're afraid you'll never find another girl. You're afraid that you aren't worth more than being someone's lap dog. You're afraid of meeting other people and being social with them. You're afraid of moving on because it unleashes a whole new world and you're afraid of everything out there. And you're afraid that not only might you move on, but you might actually move on successfully. And you're afraid of being successful. Which is exactly why I linked the video clip from youtube that I did. Because I think it perfectly encapsulates why you refuse to completely abandon these false hopes, even at the expense of making yourself look like an idiot. You are more comfortable with being an idiot and holding on to something that died rightfully than moving on and actually finding something better. You're afraid of finding that something.

 

It's really not that uncommon. Hell, my last relationship died because I became afraid. But being afraid of success is complete bulls--t.

 

And guess what, when you aren't trying to sabotage yourself, you actually show quite a bit of strength and perspective and intelligence. I've read what you've written to others -- it's really damn good. It shows someone who is capable of being successful, of seeing things rationally, of having boundaries and self-respect, of being a well-adjusted person.

 

But then you revert to this wussy wimp thing that has carried this thread. And it's because it's easier for you to be a pushover wimp and a lap dog than to charge forward as the strong, capable person that you have more than enough ability to be. Because showing that strength freaks the s--t out of you because of fear.

 

We know you have it in you. That's why all of us have stuck with you for 101 pages instead of blowing you off as some douchebag wuss loser. But you have to want to get there, which you don't want to. You never have, even if you've been saying the right things a lot of the time. But once you stop being afraid, you'll discover how great things can be.

[na49]

Wow. I'm not really sure how to respond to that. I didn't realize I was afraid, but now I know I'm scared sh*tless of moving on. I'm afraid of trying to find something better because I don't know if I will. If I do move on, I know she won't come back and I won't want her back. Why is that such a scary thing though?

 

This is probably a dumb question, but how do I get over this fear? Will time, counseling, NC and all of this other crap I'm doing work? or am I doing something wrong?

[Simon Phoenix]

Wow. I'm not really sure how to respond to that. I didn't realize I was afraid, but now I know I'm scared sh*tless of moving on. I'm afraid of trying to find something better because I don't know if I will. If I do move on, I know she won't come back and I won't want her back. Why is that such a scary thing though?

 

This is probably a dumb question, but how do I get over this fear? Will time, counseling, NC and all of this other crap I'm doing work? or am I doing something wrong?

 

Honestly, if you can't find something better, then I don't know what to tell ya. And she's not going to come back whether you want her back or you don't.

 

To get over it, you have to be committed to getting over it. You have to really want it. 101 pages of posts prove that you really don't want to. When these self-destructive thoughts enter your brain, you have to be active in trying to repel them. You have to vow to yourself that you aren't going to wallow in self-misery. You have be passionate about wanting to help yourself.

 

Counseling, working out, socializing, avoidance of the ex, those are all tools that can help you do this. But until you decide to make a declaration like this to yourself, no technique you try or nothing anyone says to you will have an effect:

 

 

You are way too young to be afraid of any of this stuff. You have your whole life ahead of you. But you have to want it. Right now, you don't want it. If you did, you wouldn't be so easily defeated when these thoughts pop up. The fact that they pop up are normal. The fact that nearly six months later they are still derailing you is troubling. But you have to be active in healing. You tend to expect it to happen for you but you don't take the active steps to do it. You have to be all in.

[destroyed4sho]

Wow. I'm not really sure how to respond to that. I didn't realize I was afraid, but now I know I'm scared sh*tless of moving on. I'm afraid of trying to find something better because I don't know if I will. If I do move on, I know she won't come back and I won't want her back. Why is that such a scary thing though?

 

This is probably a dumb question, but how do I get over this fear? Will time, counseling, NC and all of this other crap I'm doing work? or am I doing something wrong?

 

Yeah, I had some issues with this too. It is scary to actually think that you will never touch this person again or spend time with them again when you were so damn close!

Its like your holding on to something of theirs and waiting for them to come.pick it up. But they never come and you dont want to just store it in the attic, out of site because then you will forget all about it. Its a way of keeping your ex's alive.

 

But dont be scared to move on, you will always have the good memories no one can take that from you. If you meet someone else and she comes back to you, you will.handle the situation when it comes. No need to think 5 steps ahead.

[Damsel in Distress]

If I do move on, I know she won't come back and I won't want her back. Why is that such a scary thing though?

 

It is scary to actually think that you will never touch this person again or spend time with them again when you were so damn close!

Its like your holding on to something of theirs and waiting for them to come.pick it up. But they never come and you dont want to just store it in the attic, out of site because then you will forget all about it. Its a way of keeping your ex's alive.

 

Thank you both for putting this feeling into words. I really feel like I am making some progress on letting go of this man (who has already let me go!). However, I keep being pulled back by some feeling that I couldn't quite identify - just a feeling that I'm not quite ready to give him up completely.

 

I do think it's a fear... as you describe - of the finality of giving them up. If I really let myself give him up, I will shut that door completely. And it's much more comfortable leaving it open a crack.

 

It's not rational, but what if I move on and he ends up coming back... and I've moved on and don't want him! Dang! lol. Truth be told that would be a great outcome, but I'm still held back where I don't want to miss that opportunity should it come.

 

But I'm getting there! And everybody sharing their similar thoughts and feelings on LS really does help me understand myself more. Thank you all for being here and sharing these kind of embarrassing emotions that we hide from the rest of the world.

[suladas]

Thank you both for putting this feeling into words. I really feel like I am making some progress on letting go of this man (who has already let me go!). However, I keep being pulled back by some feeling that I couldn't quite identify - just a feeling that I'm not quite ready to give him up completely.

 

I do think it's a fear... as you describe - of the finality of giving them up. If I really let myself give him up, I will shut that door completely. And it's much more comfortable leaving it open a crack.

 

It's not rational, but what if I move on and he ends up coming back... and I've moved on and don't want him! Dang! lol. Truth be told that would be a great outcome, but I'm still held back where I don't want to miss that opportunity should it come.

 

But I'm getting there! And everybody sharing their similar thoughts and feelings on LS really does help me understand myself more. Thank you all for being here and sharing these kind of embarrassing emotions that we hide from the rest of the world.

 

Here's my take on it. If it's meant to be, it'll be. So don't fear moving on. Just keep going with your life, meeting new people and see what happens and deal with it then. But don't just sit around hoping they will come back. Who knows maybe you will meet someone better once you start looking.

[cavalier99]

Ive said this before and it was originally said by sciencegal.

 

On some level we are all afraid of indifference. Because when we finally let go then the last emotional bond we have to them is broken or significanlty diminished not to affect us anymore and this scares the sh*t out of us to let go completly of something so important in our lives. So we hold onto the pain because that is all we have left.

 

We start going from primarily negative emotions and hurt to more positive feelings. While this sounds great it is nonetheless a change and changes can be difficult and scary.

 

This is "The BU after the BU".

 

And when this happen it is done FOREVER. It is what we all want and what we also resist. Cav

[GB25]

Ive said this before and it was originally said by sciencegal.

 

On some level we are all afraid of indifference. Because when we finally let go then the last emotional bond we have to them is broken or significanlty diminished not to affect us anymore and this scares the sh*t out of us to let go completly of something so important in our lives. So we hold onto the pain because that is all we have left.

 

We start going from primarily negative emotions and hurt to more positive feelings. While this sounds great it is nonetheless a change and changes can be difficult and scary.

 

This is "The BU after the BU".

 

And when this happen it is done FOREVER. It is what we all want and what we also resist. Cav

 

Damn. Thats all I can say about this post Cav. You are so right on that it gave me goose bumps. Pain is the only emotion we have left that connects us to our lost lover. So to let go of that pain is to truly let go of that person. Our brain will hold onto that pain if it means keeping some kind, any kind of connection alive. We are scared once that pain subsides then our ex is just a memory in the wind so we prolong it until we cannot handle it anymore. Frightening and so true.

[Damsel in Distress]

Perfectly said by you both. It's very helpful to have this insight Just wow.

[Am4Real]

Thank you all for being here and sharing these kind of embarrassing emotions that we hide from the rest of the world.

 

This was a key sentence for me. It is all the true inner feelings of all sorts that we "hide" from the rest of the world. It can be awfully lonely, can't it?

[Am4Real]

Ive said this before and it was originally said by sciencegal.

 

On some level we are all afraid of indifference. Because when we finally let go then the last emotional bond we have to them is broken or significanlty diminished not to affect us anymore and this scares the sh*t out of us to let go completly of something so important in our lives. So we hold onto the pain because that is all we have left.

 

We start going from primarily negative emotions and hurt to more positive feelings. While this sounds great it is nonetheless a change and changes can be difficult and scary.

 

This is "The BU after the BU".

 

And when this happen it is done FOREVER. It is what we all want and what we also resist. Cav

 

It sounds interesting but respectfully I disagree.

 

The description above makes sense, however when I think back to other EX's I am indifferent and completely happy with no attachment of any sort. I am also happy I knew them, experienced them, but pleased we are no longer together and have no fear of that.

 

I think explaining the fear of BU after the BU helps some rationalize their current swing of emotions, where in reality there is no fear.

[cavalier99]

It sounds interesting but respectfully I disagree.

 

The description above makes sense, however when I think back to other EX's I am indifferent and completely happy with no attachment of any sort. I am also happy I knew them, experienced them, but pleased we are no longer together and have no fear of that.

 

I think explaining the fear of BU after the BU helps some rationalize their current swing of emotions, where in reality there is no fear.

 

Well once we are indifferent there isnt any fear left and we can look back fondly but woudnt ever get back together.

 

Im more discussing why it is difficult to let go while we are still on the roller coater of emotions.

 

Im sure it doesnt happen for everyone but i can clearly see that there are many on here that are afraid to let go and resist it even though they are close. They grip onto the hurt tightly for dear life like NA is doing. The grip will loosen eventually and he will slip into indifference kicking and screaming. lol

[destroyed4sho]

Well once we are indifferent there isnt any fear left and we can look back fondly but woudnt ever get back together.

 

Im more discussing why it is difficult to let go while we are still on the roller coater of emotions.

 

Im sure it doesnt happen for everyone but i can clearly see that there are many on here that are afraid to let go and resist it even though they are close. They grip onto the hurt tightly for dear life like NA is doing. The grip will loosen eventually and he will slip into indifference kicking and screaming. lol

 

The thing is I dont WANT to look fondly at this past relationship EVER. I really dont, I have too much hatred for her and Ill be damned if I EVER think of her fondly. She did alot of **** to me and the blindsiding when she checked out of the relationship feels now like betrayal. And honestly looking back, I think she was cheating, I was just in denial. I still have a lot of anger and I do want to let it go but I dont want to get to the point where I think about her or the relationship fondly.

Idk, maybe my anger/hatred is holding me back.

[cavalier99]

The thing is I dont WANT to look fondly at this past relationship EVER. I really dont, I have too much hatred for her and Ill be damned if I EVER think of her fondly. She did alot of **** to me and the blindsiding when she checked out of the relationship feels now like betrayal. And honestly looking back, I think she was cheating, I was just in denial. I still have a lot of anger and I do want to let it go but I dont want to get to the point where I think about her or the relationship fondly.

Idk, maybe my anger/hatred is holding me back.

 

You just wont care or be angry anymore. Its good to get out the anger. I was there just like a month or so ago. Now recently I cant seem to give a S*hit. Although i just had a bad nightmare about her that was deeply disturbing. And come to think about it that dream really pissed me off.

 

OK im pretty pissed going to stop typing now and straigten out my head. Over and out.

[RiceaRoni]

The thing is I dont WANT to look fondly at this past relationship EVER. I really dont, I have too much hatred for her and Ill be damned if I EVER think of her fondly. She did alot of **** to me and the blindsiding when she checked out of the relationship feels now like betrayal. And honestly looking back, I think she was cheating, I was just in denial. I still have a lot of anger and I do want to let it go but I dont want to get to the point where I think about her or the relationship fondly.

Idk, maybe my anger/hatred is holding me back.

 

 

Anger is good to have, but don't let it consume you to the point where you become bitter at the world lol..

 

Try to relase that anger in a healthy way (working out, running,etc). Holding on to anger is never good and it can prevent you from meeting someone 'new'.

 

Feel the anger, let it out, and then throw that bitterness out if the window and say "bye bye"