cavalier99 Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) Wow.. I go away for a while and look what happens. Na-Your going to do this. You have to do this. But, in the long run, I just don't see it. There's been too much hurt. You've been through too much with this. Your both young. Whatever you do don't give this all your time and emotions or you will fall apart again if and when this ends. Remember, some of us did go back for a while. Yea it was great in the beginning but in the long run it was the same. What was done was done. I have to agree with Cav on this one....that no matter how sad and difficult it may be sometimes we have to suck up the hurt and destruction, feel the pain, learn the lessons, and move on to something fresh and new. Nothing too exciting on this end...but I'm doing well! Damn near close to indifference. Ready for new positive experiences. Crazy to think how we all were several months ago.....glad to hear everyone's gettin on.... or getting it on so I should say..LOL! I think the Na thing is going to run its course. What up with Simon and the chick he was supposed to get back with? Enjoy yourself cav, you deserve it....but be nice to the girls please...don't be a heartbreaker! lol Hi hopeful. Congrats on getting indifferent. That is huge! Im super happy for you. Soon youll be dating and will have a new BF im sure. Anyway, im good as you read. Seeing latina girl tonight in a couple hours. Hmmm . Who me? Heartbreaker? Im always nice to the girls while im with them..not my fault if they get too attached. I guess im very loveable. Ha. Lol Im definitly becoming my old confident self!! Rock On! Cav Edited April 13, 2013 by cavalier99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 13, 2013 Author Share Posted April 13, 2013 (edited) Well the "honeymoon phase" (if you want to call it that) didn't last very long. All of the little things people deal with in a relationship are here once again. I'm still trying to stay skeptical and tell myself that it can end as quickly as it started. We hang out and everything is like it was for the most part. She surprised me when I asked her to sit on my lap and she said "No" when she always used to. We were still kissing and all of that jazz. and it was a one time thing, but if I don't see her making the effort to treat me like her boyfriend more and not her gay best friend, she'll be dropped like a bad habit. I have to laugh at people who think their ex coming back would make them happy. If you're feeling like sh*t now, you'll feel like sh*t when they're back. I missed my counselor last week, but I rescheduled for next week. I NEED to go. I don't want to be as dependent on her for my happiness as I was. I'm making plans with friends, staying busy and doing what I want to do. Things are.. good.. so far. Edited April 13, 2013 by na49 Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted April 13, 2013 Share Posted April 13, 2013 NA to be honest I think you were really naive in what her coming back would mean. You can never just expect things to go back to what they were before, because first of all that didn't work, and second of all time changes people. Trying a failed relationship is much more work then starting a new one, that is a given and it requires a lot of effort from both sides. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Well the "honeymoon phase" (if you want to call it that) didn't last very long. All of the little things people deal with in a relationship are here once again. I'm still trying to stay skeptical and tell myself that it can end as quickly as it started. We hang out and everything is like it was for the most part. She surprised me when I asked her to sit on my lap and she said "No" when she always used to. We were still kissing and all of that jazz. and it was a one time thing, but if I don't see her making the effort to treat me like her boyfriend more and not her gay best friend, she'll be dropped like a bad habit. I have to laugh at people who think their ex coming back would make them happy. If you're feeling like sh*t now, you'll feel like sh*t when they're back. I missed my counselor last week, but I rescheduled for next week. I NEED to go. I don't want to be as dependent on her for my happiness as I was. I'm making plans with friends, staying busy and doing what I want to do. Things are.. good.. so far. Honestly, the fact that you are having to make the effort is a pretty big red flag right now. She should be bending over backwards for you right now. I think you are starting to realize the futility of this enterprise though. I think too much has happened for it to work and you are finally realizing that your idea of the reconciliation wasn't exactly realistic. But you'll figure that out completely on your own time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Share Posted April 14, 2013 Honestly, the fact that you are having to make the effort is a pretty big red flag right now. She should be bending over backwards for you right now. I think you are starting to realize the futility of this enterprise though. I think too much has happened for it to work and you are finally realizing that your idea of the reconciliation wasn't exactly realistic. But you'll figure that out completely on your own time. She really isn't trying very hard and is giving me an attitude tonight for no reason. I just don't want to be "heart broken" and don't think I will if I keep the attitude I have now. I'm sure I'd be upset to lose her again, but I wouldn't be devastated. My life was pretty damn good without her in it. I just thought she'd be a nice bonus. Not extra weight. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 She really isn't trying very hard and is giving me an attitude tonight for no reason. I just don't want to be "heart broken" and don't think I will if I keep the attitude I have now. I'm sure I'd be upset to lose her again, but I wouldn't be devastated. My life was pretty damn good without her in it. I just thought she'd be a nice bonus. Not extra weight. Cut bait. Don't walk, run. You fulfilled your curiousity. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cognitive Miser Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Cut bait. Don't walk, run. You fulfilled your curiousity. Cut the rope before Moby Dick gets even more of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
McDonald Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 I think you know the answer Na. And it kinda scares you that now it will be your choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 NA to be honest I think you were really naive in what her coming back would mean. You can never just expect things to go back to what they were before, because first of all that didn't work, and second of all time changes people. Trying a failed relationship is much more work then starting a new one, that is a given and it requires a lot of effort from both sides. __________________ Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened -Dr. Seuss. ^^^That is awsome...all the way down to linking Dr. Seuss quotes to our love lives! Really? Omg the lessons I learn here..lol Na-Suladas is 100% correct. You are the one that is more "advanced" now in relationships from all the work you've done and crap you've been through. Don't fall back in the same traps. Be the mature one. Demand (not in a controlling way) that your boundaries are being respected and she is treating you properly. Do YOUR part. Give her a FAIR chance....since this IS what you wanted. If it ain't working...think carefully about how and when to pull the plug if you have to. But do it in a way as not to cause all the drama this caused before. If you decide to walk...you NEED this time to stick to that decision, know the reasons why, and be prepared for the aftermath. Its still gonna be sad. Simon- Sounds like you are doing well in your plan. But, I wonder since you are only operating at what you think a 50% success rate if you plan on the "what everyone" seems to be looking for once contact was resumed....the "Id like to try again" text? And just out of curiosity Im wondering if all contact has been initiated by you thus far or if she has now began to contact you. Personally, I wouldn't...I'd let you chase me...but that's just me I guess to see if you were REALLY interested. So every time I "claim" indifference I fall back into a pit for a day! LOL. The random text still produces a roller coaster of emotion. But, I AM able to pull myself out of the hole fairly quickly so that's good. I do think its a matter of meeting someone new. But, there may be trust issues I have now that are holding me back from "jumping in"...or I sense something is ...so...I think its back to the counselor for me to yack about that for a bit. Whomever's post that was discussed about holding on to pain because that's all that's left...I get that now. Totally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Share Posted April 14, 2013 Na-Suladas is 100% correct. You are the one that is more "advanced" now in relationships from all the work you've done and crap you've been through. Don't fall back in the same traps. Be the mature one. Demand (not in a controlling way) that your boundaries are being respected and she is treating you properly. Do YOUR part. Give her a FAIR chance....since this IS what you wanted. If it ain't working...think carefully about how and when to pull the plug if you have to. But do it in a way as not to cause all the drama this caused before. If you decide to walk...you NEED this time to stick to that decision, know the reasons why, and be prepared for the aftermath. Its still gonna be sad. You're right. I AM much more advanced in relationships from all of the time I've spent out of one/reading about crap on here. I guess I'm a bit obsessed. I do want my boundaries respected. Last night we were video chatting and I wanted to go to sleep, so I went to sleep. She said I upset her. I told her "I didn't go to bed to upset you, I went to bed because I'm tired. Text me if you still want to talk" She texted me a few times before I fell asleep. It is what I wanted. but it's also what she wanted because SHE was the one who asked ME to come back. This thread is evidence that as much as I wanted to ask for her back, and as much as I almost jumped over the ledge, I never did. I won't run for the hills yet. I see too many threads on here by people who dump their ex and want them back 20 minutes later but it's too late. She realizes how much she hurt me the first time. She also realizes how she upset my parents and really wants to make it up to them and prove to them that she does want this to work. She offered to talk to them in person to explain herself. I said "I don't think you need to do that.." lol How silly would it look to dump her a week after getting back together? I do still love this girl. I do still care about her. I've always wanted this to work. I'm not going to make a knee jerk reaction and tell her to get lost. I don't even really want to think about ending this yet. I want to think about ways to make it better than it was. We've had problems before. Every relationship has problems. I just can't let them blow up. I've asked her to communicate with me. Whether she does or not is out of my hands which is a little scary. I'll keep everyone posted. You guys kept me sane before, and I still need all of you now. You guys are awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Echo000 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 how old are you man? Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 sounds like you are slowly checking out of the relationship. i can see myself doing this if i ever got back with ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 I think your doing the right thing. You both DID want this. And now you ARE back together. Nothing's easy. Especially after everything that happened between you two. You already did have your honeymoon 1st time round....you are IN a relationship now. I will say, I find it respectful of her to offer the apology to your parents. Take it slow, give it time to get where you want it. Be the bigger person and try to coax her towards your understanding of everything you learned here. Always think first and work towards a mutually satisfying relationship. But be careful...again...boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...and communication! I'm pullin for ya! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Harradin Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 You should have made her apologize to your parents tbh! But good luck with it all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Share Posted April 14, 2013 It may sound like that and if we were further in I would say I was. I wouldn't say it's slowly checking out, but slowly checking in. We aren't just jumping back to where we started. She's changed a bit. She's not up my @ss like she used to be. I'm letting her do her, and I'll be doing me. She's doing crap and is inviting me along. I'd like to do the same instead of making my schedule around her. I've got a bunch of crap to do today, and she wanted me to go hang out. We're going out tomorrow after class so I may just have to tell her I can't today. lol Hopeful you're right. There really is no honeymoon phase. It's the relationship. It feels like it was the first time, but my head isn't in the clouds like it was. I realize that it can end this time where the first time I thought we'd be together forever. I need to set my boundaries early, because she is a person who likes to be in control. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Hopeful, I'm not sure if I'm doing "well" per se, but I'm not completely striking out. As far as your comments, I have initiated all contact thus far, which is to be expected really. I would rather not come out and just say it via text or on the phone -- I'd rather just hang out with her and do my thing and have it come about that way. Not to that stage yet though. na, I agree that relationships need work. You just have to make sure that a) she's doing most of the work (since she was responsible for the initial death of it) and b) that it's not too much work. Relationships aren't supposed to be easy necessarily, but they are definitely not supposed to be advanced calculus. And if push comes to shove, you'd don't have to sit and wait for her to be the one to break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author na49 Posted April 14, 2013 Author Share Posted April 14, 2013 Relationships aren't supposed to be easy necessarily, but they are definitely not supposed to be advanced calculus. And if push comes to shove, you'd don't have to sit and wait for her to be the one to break up. I definitely shouldn't wait. I have a hard time saying "No" to anyone, but an extra hard time saying "No" to her because she obviously isn't happy with me when I tell her that. She invited me to hang out today, it's her girl friend's birthday and they're going to be doing girl things. She wants me to go anyway, I told her I didn't want to ruin her girl's night and that I needed to do my work/be home for dinner. She got upset and told me she had to go. I feel guilty for telling her I can't, but I have to matter in this too. Why do I have to drag myself to something that I don't want to do to please her? when she clearly doesn't do anything that she doesn't want to do even if I want her to. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 You have no reason to feel guilty. You have your things to do and weren't interested in what she was doing. That should be ok for today. She should accept that so long as sometimes you "do" do the occasional thing for her. I don't think today however was one of those days..if that makes sense. You are still in the beginning. This shouldn't be that hard. As time passes you will see if it is. Again, I think you are a bit more advanced then her in your ways and thinking. She does appear a bit controlling as you said. Be cautious of this. I say that because my ex was very controlling. It was at those times that I "chose" to do what was good or needed for ME that he cheated. Not sure if he thought "well...if she's not going to do what I want I'll find someone who will" or what. Nor am I saying your chick will do this. Im just throwing it out there to be careful with the controlling personality types. Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) Saw latina girl again last night. So that is last 3 days straight. We cant seem to get enough of each other. Things are going super fast. Is this normal? I think im doomed! Dont want relationship so fast. Soooo confused and horney. Rock on! Cav Other girl from the last 2 weekends texted other day. Forgot to respond back. Edited April 14, 2013 by cavalier99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Sounds like a honeymoon phase cav..lol Watch out...soon enough she will be looking for a "definition" of the relationship. Be realistic...you know that's on its way. Be prepared. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cavalier99 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 (edited) Sounds like a honeymoon phase cav..lol Watch out...soon enough she will be looking for a "definition" of the relationship. Be realistic...you know that's on its way. Be prepared. lol Ha i know this whole thing is exciting but sorta flipping me out. I was just getting into starting to date and being single. Is this bad? Am i jumping in too fast without dating more people? Is it like a continuation of my last RS subconciously:.so technically a rebound?. Soo confused. should i even be thinking about this stuff? My goal during BU was to STOP thinking. Now im wondering id i need to START thinking about if this is what i want now. Or do i stop thinking and just enjoy where this goes? Edited April 14, 2013 by cavalier99 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Hell yea you need to be thinking of this stuff or the past 6-5 months on here will have been a complete waste. Seriously, think of what you want. Do you want to date around, date this girl exclusively, do you like her? Do you even know her? lol Do you want a relationshiip now? All this stuff is going to come up. You know the girls will want answers. This girl will want answers. You are going to have to be honest or they are going to end up here boo-hooing over you calling you every name in the book. You know this is how it rolls. You got some decisions to make and things to clairify....do this and your butt is covered. Rock on! LOL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jovan Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Saw latina girl again last night. So that is last 3 days straight. We cant seem to get enough of each other. Things are going super fast. Is this normal? I think im doomed! Dont want relationship so fast. Soooo confused and horney. Rock on! Cav Other girl from the last 2 weekends texted other day. Forgot to respond back. Dude just don't over think it. Go with a flow 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful714 Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Think I'll be tuning in a bit more often....all this is gonna get really good. Link to post Share on other sites
WhoreyBull Posted April 14, 2013 Share Posted April 14, 2013 Ever heard "it's always darkest before the dawn"? Take everyone's advice about thinking what you want out of a relationship through! You could be headed for a groundhog day! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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