Why do I feel worse?

[suladas]

What exactly did you write her?

 

Just asking if her doubts she expressed about things working were part of the reason the BU happened and if she was willing to talk about that. Asking if she would be willing to talk to me in person. It was nothing bad that made her block me, it was obviously because she doesn't want to hear from me. I was pretty sure she didn't, but not completely because before she did ignore me a few times, but then again back a bit ago we did exchange a message.

 

I'm a confused at how she got to that point though. Considering she ignored me when she wanted to end things, and I had to ask what was going on after being ignored for a few days. It's a bit of a mindf*ck still to be honest. Whenever she expressed doubts it was because she thought I was better off not being with her (and ya she was being 100% honest about it). It just never made sense to me to ignore in a case like that, I know she doesn't like any kind of confrontation or argueing, but that never happened and i'm not like that.

[LostOne1]

I think that the problem I have with not knowing is that I want to know if she is struggling with this as much as I am. I know how delusional and stupid that is, but if I knew, I could put this "theory" to rest and maybe get rid of the false hopes and stupid thoughts for good. If she did want me back, I would want to know about it whether I took her back or not.

 

but apparently setbacks just happen. So I'll hopefully sleep this off tonight. She wasn't the first thing on my mind this morning surprisingly.

Dude.. GO SEE THE SCHOOL COUNSELLOR.

 

I'm telling you.. if you go once every week or every other week. It WILL help you and I think at this point you need it. I was in your spot and man let me tell you the counsellor opened my eyes. I was ALWAYS looking at the wrong way towards everything. After talking to him I feel so much better. I had no time to go this week, but my appointment is next week.

 

Trust me on this one.. GO talk to a counsellor. You might feel embarrassed and all at first, but it's worth it. You will get out feeling fell and they have WAYS to help you get out of this rut. That's what the school counselling center is for.

 

I was shocked to see HOW many students actually use the service It's always jam packed with students wanting to get help or unload stuff off their chest.

[LostOne1]

Just asking if her doubts she expressed about things working were part of the reason the BU happened and if she was willing to talk about that. Asking if she would be willing to talk to me in person. It was nothing bad that made her block me, it was obviously because she doesn't want to hear from me. I was pretty sure she didn't, but not completely because before she did ignore me a few times, but then again back a bit ago we did exchange a message.

 

I'm a confused at how she got to that point though. Considering she ignored me when she wanted to end things, and I had to ask what was going on after being ignored for a few days. It's a bit of a mindf*ck still to be honest. Whenever she expressed doubts it was because she thought I was better off not being with her (and ya she was being 100% honest about it). It just never made sense to me to ignore in a case like that, I know she doesn't like any kind of confrontation or argueing, but that never happened and i'm not like that.

That's why I gave up on my end too. My ex made it seem like she just didn't want to hear from me. I guess my biggest problem was NOT going NC early on. So I probably was this force or thing that would annoy her when she heard from me and just wanted to get away from me for a bit.

 

Maybe she is feeling that way too.. she just wants to get away for a bit. Except in your case it's harder, because you both know you live so close to each other and have a very high chance of running into each other.

 

I know for me NC is the only way to get myself in better shape. Talking to my ex will do me no good at all. In fact it would make her feel better knowing after 6 months I still miss her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Just asking if her doubts she expressed about things working were part of the reason the BU happened and if she was willing to talk about that. Asking if she would be willing to talk to me in person. It was nothing bad that made her block me, it was obviously because she doesn't want to hear from me. I was pretty sure she didn't, but not completely because before she did ignore me a few times, but then again back a bit ago we did exchange a message.

 

I'm a confused at how she got to that point though. Considering she ignored me when she wanted to end things, and I had to ask what was going on after being ignored for a few days. It's a bit of a mindf*ck still to be honest. Whenever she expressed doubts it was because she thought I was better off not being with her (and ya she was being 100% honest about it). It just never made sense to me to ignore in a case like that, I know she doesn't like any kind of confrontation or argueing, but that never happened and i'm not like that.

 

Yeah, probably just saying hi when you saw her would have been a better tactic. But what's done is done. No more wondering now.

[na49]

I think that if my ex hadn't been texting me so much last month trying to "make things right" and telling me "we need to talk" and that "she misses me and wants to talk to me" I would have an easier time accepting it. If after we went NC I never heard from her again, I think I'd have my answer. Those texts last month are still messing with my head though. They seem to be the only thing that keep these stupid thoughts alive.

 

but I feel like I'm in your situation suladas. When I am ready to talk to her, she'll probably laugh it off and ignore me and say something like "I thought we had nothing to talk about? Leave me alone" or something and then I feel more hurt because it's the reality that she actually wants nothing to do with me.

 

I obviously am sensitive. Probably too sensitive.. maybe I'm still in disbelief that she did what she did.

[cavalier99]

I'm beginning to not give a sh*t again. Our EX's are long gone. Its just us and the exciting road ahead. NA if she wanted to be with you she would be. Not that you'd ever take that little slut back. Ha. You were her manservant. Never again.

 

This really is the BEST thing that has happened to you in your life. Not kidding. You'll see that soon. Cav

[Hopeful714]

Dude.. GO SEE THE SCHOOL COUNSELLOR.

 

Ya know na, I agree with this. It's most likely a free service to you on campus. Your already making changes by going to the gym, why not try this too for a bit? I can't say it will help you 100% but I do think it helps because he/she will throw things out there that WILL make you think about it differently. And again, its something new and FREE!

 

If you would have took those calls you would have got the friend zone crap...or maybe you would have got back together and the same shi* would have happened because she would have known you didn't mean business and she could walk all over you. Seriously...we gotta have Simon Phoenix's attitude and SET BOUNDARIES of what we allow and or don't allow. In a sense you did that by going NC. Its picking up the pieces now trying to find closure and a new way in life with out her that's troubling you.

 

You are never going to be READY to talk to her. Do you really think as time goes by your going to be ready to call her? And if you ever talk it will be because SHE will do the seeking. You can't call after months!!! We discussed this. You would look pathetic. She most likely thinks you moved on because you blocked her...and because you blocked her that is what you should be doing....moving on. We already talked about how you went NC initially for the wrong reasons (for her to grovel)....that cant be undone. I did it too...don't beat yourself up.

 

You are in disbelief of what she did. It freaked you out that someone could do something like this to hurt you...I know...I'm there. But they are cheats, liars....its just how they are....not our faults. MY COUNSELOR told me its cuz he busted my safety bubble of how I believed the world to be...and now the recovery is building a new safety bubble and finding a new comfort zone. Sucks being sensitive huh? It is what it is for now.

[na49]

or maybe you would have got back together

 

This is the part that kills me. I lost a chance at reconciliation. Apparently I'd need for her to do it again for me to get it. I hate how I went from feeling awesome earlier this week to feeling like crap now. I may check out the counseling services on campus. If I keep this up, it may be the only way.

 

I have no reason to believe she would want me back. She seems to have moved on pretty quickly after dumping me. and yet I'm still living in fantasy land. I feel like the weekends are what gets me because I have more time to myself.

[cavalier99]

This is the part that kills me. I lost a chance at reconciliation.

 

I have no reason to believe she would want me back. She seems to have moved on pretty quickly after dumping me.

 

 

NO NO NO. She lost her chance to be with you by cheating and being a disrespectful slut.

 

She could want back but you would NEVER take her because you are a man with self respect. She could get on her knees and you would laugh to yourself at how pitiful she is. Understand? She F*ed up and lost you. HER LOSS.

 

Your thinking is all backwards.

Edited February 2, 2013 by cavalier99

[Hopeful714]

IF YOU GOT BACK TOGETHER THE SAME THING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BECAUSE SHE WOULD KNOW SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.

 

I know that. It troubles me that your not grasping that.

Once more, this sucks, it hurts. But we need to move forward and become better stronger people. Maybe ruminating about this so much on here is bad. Maybe we need to jump to a different forum and talk about other things...lol. Maybe we need to get out of the house and find a life.

 

I'm going to get busy today and check back later and expunge more thoughts..lol.

[na49]

You're both right. I know you're both right. and yet I can't just accept it for some reason. I can't leave myself too much time to think about her. I can't give myself too much time posting here. I need to do something. That's probably why the week was so easy. I had work/school. I came home from the gym. I didn't have a lot of time, and the time I did have I didn't want to sit around doing nothing. I wanted to play video games, watch TV, do something!

 

but now I'm sitting here doing jack sh*t. Thinking about someone who hasn't cared about me in over 4 months and convincing myself otherwise using all of these crazy scenarios. Trying to read between the lines when there's nothing there. If she wanted to talk to me, she'd find a way. She doesn't want to talk to me though. She hasn't wanted to talk to me since I told her to leave me alone and when she did, she had nothing to say that made me feel better.

 

I seriously feel like I'm going to check her facebook one day and set myself back (not to day one) but a significant amount...

[Allumere]

Go to counseling my friend. Its annoying and sometimes painfully slow but it does help.

 

You failed, ruined nothing. You missed no opportunities. Let me ask, if your best friend walked up and pissed on you, how would react? Or to be more gross, crapped in your shoes or your favorite chair (and I am not referring to a dog). You would not only be disgusted but probably a lil pissed right? A big WTF. So, what if they kept doing it....how long would you tolerate it? Would be kinda hard to still like them or care for them wouldnt it as the behavoir is so gross. Well, your ex and her behavior falls in the same category... just sayin.

[na49]

Well I went out, got myself some new kicks and have been doing homework but I had a LS urge and had to check here. As I was out I heard a bunch of songs that reminded me of her/relationships in general and it pissed me off.

 

She's done nothing to show me that she wants anything to do with my since I've blocked her number. So the fact that I'm still struggling is frustrating as hell. Even if she isn't still with the douche rocket, just because she's single, doesn't mean she wants to date me again. She'll look for a new "knight in shining armor". Then I remember all of the crap she wrote on twitter, all of that lovey dovey crap. That she wants to be "fought for". I seriously have to find a way to stop thinking about this stuff so much... If you described my ex to me before I met her and told me that would be the first girl I fell in love with, and that she would cheat on me and disrespect me to her friends who I never even met. I'd look at you like you were crazy.

[suladas]

That's why I gave up on my end too. My ex made it seem like she just didn't want to hear from me. I guess my biggest problem was NOT going NC early on. So I probably was this force or thing that would annoy her when she heard from me and just wanted to get away from me for a bit.

 

Maybe she is feeling that way too.. she just wants to get away for a bit. Except in your case it's harder, because you both know you live so close to each other and have a very high chance of running into each other.

 

I know for me NC is the only way to get myself in better shape. Talking to my ex will do me no good at all. In fact it would make her feel better knowing after 6 months I still miss her.

 

In the 6 1/2 months there hasn't been much contact, there was 2 stretches of about 2 months each, and another over a month. We haven't said a word in person to each other since about a week or two after the BU both times I said hi first and she seemed receptive but tough to say, just see each other a bit but nearly all the time it's passing in vehicles, or one of us is inside our homes and just looking out or whatever so almost none are any real contact.

 

I really don't know what her deal is. I'm not pleased with how she has handled it, but I don't hate her or anything. My assumption for a while was it was a way to force me to move on and meet someone else because she thought it was the best. Honestly it still could be, I really have no idea. It's not because there's another guy in the picture, I know she isn't seeing anyone and hasn't since we broke up.

 

I don't think she is getting any ego boost from me contacting her, not that type of person, well unless I have no idea who she really is. And really i'm not hurting or missing her. I'm perfectly fine today, i'm thinking about things more but i'm not hurting.

 

Not sure if it's a good or bad thing, but I know we will talk again. Again unless I have no idea who she is I know come summer she will start striking up conversations with me again. I'm just going to let it be, it's all on her to do whatever she wants I don't care.

[suladas]

You're both right. I know you're both right. and yet I can't just accept it for some reason. I can't leave myself too much time to think about her. I can't give myself too much time posting here. I need to do something. That's probably why the week was so easy. I had work/school. I came home from the gym. I didn't have a lot of time, and the time I did have I didn't want to sit around doing nothing. I wanted to play video games, watch TV, do something!

 

but now I'm sitting here doing jack sh*t. Thinking about someone who hasn't cared about me in over 4 months and convincing myself otherwise using all of these crazy scenarios. Trying to read between the lines when there's nothing there. If she wanted to talk to me, she'd find a way. She doesn't want to talk to me though. She hasn't wanted to talk to me since I told her to leave me alone and when she did, she had nothing to say that made me feel better.

 

I seriously feel like I'm going to check her facebook one day and set myself back (not to day one) but a significant amount...

 

I think you just need more time. I have worked maybe 10 hours a week for the last 6 months, I have hours and hours everyday to think about it, but overall time helps. Her thoughs just get less and less and eventually go away. No free time does make it easier, but I think it's good to process and think about.

[suladas]

Yeah, probably just saying hi when you saw her would have been a better tactic. But what's done is done. No more wondering now.

 

I don't think it would change much, it's not like if I did that it would turn into her going "omg I miss you so much". At best maybe she would of talked a bit and maybe explained a bit, but I doubt it. I'm sure it would of just been a simple hi how are you and nothing more. Even if I asked about something or if she wanted to talk, i'm sure it would of been a no.

 

She just overnight it seems like shutdown on me. Even after the BU a few times her son would say hi to me and we'd talk a bit, she would never come out and say hi to me or anything.

 

I'm not going to worry about it, whatever happens happens. Come spring if I feel like it maybe I will say hi to her and see where it goes, maybe I won't have any interest in talking to her.

 

Back in like november, I sent a message asking how she was and how things were awkward and it didn't need to be that way she simply said "You're right i'm sorry", then when I replied to that saying something like "It's me to, but it doesn't need to be that way if we don't want it to be" then dead again. I don't think we seen each other outside anytime soon after that but that left me confused to.

 

But whatever i'm not loosing any sleep over this, haven't really been too worried about it for a long time. It's just a weird mindf*ck, I don't think I will ever understand women.

[na49]

Can't help but wonder what would happen if I casually reached out to her. What she'd say, etc. I wouldn't be pouring my heart out to her or anything, just ask her how she's been. Of course if she tells me she's dating someone and is happy with him. My heart will be ripped out of my chest and stepped on multiple times.

[suladas]

Can't help but wonder what would happen if I casually reached out to her. What she'd say, etc. I wouldn't be pouring my heart out to her or anything, just ask her how she's been. Of course if she tells me she's dating someone and is happy with him. My heart will be ripped out of my chest and stepped on multiple times.

 

The last thing you want to have in your head is knowing she is with someone. I had a scare that my ex was and holy f*ck that hurt, it was like the BU all over again, and this was after almost 3 months.

 

Let me ask you this, do you want to be friends with her, can you handle seeing her with another guy? Can you handle hearing about her relationship? Unless you are ok with all of that there is no reason to consider contacting her.

[na49]

The last thing you want to have in your head is knowing she is with someone. I had a scare that my ex was and holy f*ck that hurt, it was like the BU all over again, and this was after almost 3 months.

 

Let me ask you this, do you want to be friends with her, can you handle seeing her with another guy? Can you handle hearing about her relationship? Unless you are ok with all of that there is no reason to consider contacting her.

 

You're right. Even though I feel like seeing that she's dating someone else would help me accept it's over and want her less. I think it would actually make me want her more. because then I would know I can't have her. I would know she's f*cking him, telling him everything she used to tell me, and I'd drive myself insane thinking about it. Better off to just steer clear of her entirely. It really is ridiculous to think that after almost 4 months she'd still be hung up over me when she was the one to dump me. She was the one who thinks she's better off with someone else than me. She's the one who thinks I'm not good enough for her. and she's the one who thinks we should have been "friends". (what a joke that is. we both must have different definitions of what a friend is)

 

I already heard about her new guy. She may not have even been dating him when she told me about him. but she told me the "cute" little things she was doing for him. He's a "rock star" (yeah right ) and she sang the songs on his album for him. I listened to her telling me this and felt like my ears were going to bleed. I couldn't stand it. That's when I told her I couldn't deal with it. She didn't really understand, and then I forgot what happened. I guess it's a bit of a gamble, but I think it's more likely that something bad will happen than something that helps me. Just have to keep writing about my urges here instead of acting on them. I hope you guys haven't gotten sick of telling me basically the same stuff. I really need to hear it multiple times apparently. Eventually it has to stick.

 

Also to answer the questions. Not until I'm dating someone new. No and No.

[cavalier99]

I like you posts NA. I don't care if they are repetitive. Plus i like squatting on your thread for my own non emergency stuff. Lol

[na49]

lol I don't mind you or anyone posting your stories in here. This might as well just be one big journal for all of us.

 

I swear it's like there's a bar in my head and it's going back and forth constantly. From the side of not caring and being strong to caring too much and being weak. When does it stop!? I like to think I'm making progress, but have I really made progress since blocking her? I feel like unblocking her just because, but then every time my phone rings I'll go nuts, and then feel upset because she's not calling or texting.

[cavalier99]

You've made progress since blocking. You just don't realize it yet. I do. I can see it.

[na49]

I never thought I'd want to go to school so bad, but I think school is the best thing that could happen to me right now. The work, the gym, the social interactions with different people. I need it right now. Sitting around does nothing for me.

 

I want her to contact me and make my job easier. I honestly feel like the next message I hear from her I'll respond to. because God knows she'd need to jump through hoops to contact me. Maybe that's a bad idea, but the fact of the matter is, that I'm probably being very delusional for thinking that she will ever contact me again. Considering the number is blocked for another 2 months until the block wares off (then I can block again if I'm still on this in 2 months). She's blocked on facebook. So if she goes through the trouble of emailing me, then it has to be important. She's not though. She won't though. Boo hoo, woe is me. I miss the girl I loved.

[Hopeful714]

Don't be too hard on yourself. This month is going into 6 months now for me since the BU. I am just starting to feel better. You are still back at 4 month's I think you said, and I know it took "somegeekguy" 8 months if I remember correctly. I think he's finally done with it....If you remember, she did contact him recently and he basically told her to buzz off.

 

Keep at it. And seriously, check out the counsel. I like it. I do think it helps.

 

Today I kept real busy and got a lot done. I have so much to catch up on as the last 5 months I have basically done NOTHING. I feel so behind in things. I kinda feel like where did all that time go? Where the heck was I? Anyhow I really want to feel better come spring and 100% by summer. We will see.

 

Again, you did go through some heavy duty **** with this girl and her cheating on you. Now that its downtime, sure we wonder what they are doing etc...but seriously, if my ex were to call right now and want to come over or talk...I don't think I could. I'm still not ready for that. If that opportunity ever arises, I want to be 100% back to me at that time. And hopefully by then I'll say ehhhhh....no thanks.

 

Funny how you said about this being a big journal. Have you ever gone back and read your old posts? I don't think I can. I don't want to see how sick I was back then. Heck, I even can't read any new BU stories on here anymore...I just don't want to relive it. It's like I'm burnt out on the hurt.

 

I'm sure they all think of us from time to time. How much who knows or cares. Again...we just gotta get better...that's the priority now.

 

I've done much reading through out this time. There's plenty books on amazon about BU's, cheating, and being betrayed that you can download. That helped as me as well.

[suladas]

NA49 you put it right, you miss the girl you loved, past tense. That girl no longer exists, it sucks but it's the truth. I get it though. I don't think a day has gone by I don't miss the relationship I had, that's why I wanted to contact my ex so much, but I realized she was a different person after the BU happened, the person I was in a relationship with was gone.

 

I think i've made about every mistake possible after a BU, I contacted my ex more times then I can count, I checked her FB a lot (even recently), I was obsessed with what she was doing all the time. It's crazy what it makes you do and I can say without a doubt it caused me more pain. That is why we are here trying to convince you not to make the same mistakes. Even contacting my ex yesterday hurt, not that bad but it still sucked.

 

As much as i've healed, i'm still not the same person I was before the relationship, I still feel different. The first is tough, and I think it's tougher that it didn't end well. I knew my relationship wasn't for sure going to last forever, but I hoped it would end decently and still talk, it sucks more that it hasn't. I don't know how it got such a hold on me, I had doubts it could ever work long term, yet still that rejection hurt so bad.

Edited February 3, 2013 by suladas