Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

Cont

This is relevant for any length of relationship, but much harder when it's a LONG relationship such as your's. 8 years.

 

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years, and it's been so hard to not be with him anymore. I found myself at a total loss of "who" to be and "how" to be.

 

I thought...how can I go back to who I was and living how I was 2 years ago, before I was with him, when so much has changed inside me? I can't go back. It was hard to really, truly realise that. And it'd be all the more hard to realise you can't go back 8 years than just 2.

 

So the only way is forward.

 

Thanks for the insight. I really like your posts by the way..you are a true guru!

 

Anyway, I think that any length of a relationship the BU can be just as painful. In fact I've heard that some of the shorter more intense ones can sting even more.

 

So I'm not sure my BU is more painful than anyone else's. But maybe a bit bigger change and transition.

 

So for me I really needed to say IT IS OVER repeatedly and that there is NO GOING BACK HOME!

 

It was critical that I did this practically from day 1. Sh*it i barley remember what it was like to be single. So the concept that there was never going back to that comfort/life with her was essential in understanding my new existence.

Edited February 7, 2013 by cavalier99

[stevie_23]

Yes. SO important to realise that there's no going back. Not to that. This is why I was so lost and thought...well, I can't go back to what I had with my ex, so...I have to go back to BEFORE I was with him. Before I even KNEW him. But I can't because too much has changed. So...forward it is, I guess.

 

I also think it's more about the relationship and how things were, as well as HOW the relationship ended, that dictates how difficult and traumatic it is to have it end.

 

My 2 year relationship was fraught with stress and fear for the last 6 months. Because he was married, I lived in constant fear his wife would find out about us (yet again) and he'd leave. And this is precisely what ended up happening. And the way he left was...to simply stop talking to me. He didn't even TELL me he'd left. And so...it was ridiculously hard for me to adjust to this...it took me forever. (well, not really. lol)

 

My 4 year relationship previously was much easier. I remember being distressed for the first few days and even reality TV and junk food didn't help the tears. But within a week? I was ok. Not amazing. But ok. Because it was different. We were still friends. We'd been friends for 4 years prior to getting together, so...we reverted back to that, and it was ok. MUCH easier than my most recent ex-relationship.

[LostOne1]

This is relevant for any length of relationship, but much harder when it's a LONG relationship such as your's. 8 years.

 

My ex and I were together for almost 2 years, and it's been so hard to not be with him anymore. I found myself at a total loss of "who" to be and "how" to be.

 

I thought...how can I go back to who I was and living how I was 2 years ago, before I was with him, when so much has changed inside me? I can't go back. It was hard to really, truly realise that. And it'd be all the more hard to realise you can't go back 8 years than just 2.

 

So the only way is forward.

same here.. it took me awhile to realize who I am now versus who I was with my ex. I mean 3 yrs of my life with her and I had a plan and everything..

 

Once it all changes its VERY tough, because I think we don't like major and quick changes. You go from I know how my life will be with this person to she's gone and now everything in the plan has totally changed and in fact you don't even know what the plan is...

 

I think as time goes on a new plan starts to slowly emerge and you just follow the new plan to where ever it ends or leads.

[stevie_23]

Also, with my first ex, we had issues intrinsic to our relationship and us as people. She was more social than me, she wanted to go out and sleep with other people and I didn't. I was jealous and controlling. She wanted kids and I never did. Stuff like that. It wouldn't have worked. It was almost a relief to be just friends again in a way.

 

But with my most recent ex...we were so GOOD. We had no issues directly relating to ourselves and us as a couple. ALL our issues were because of his wife, him being married, and me being in a relationship too. So...it's like...the loss of what COULD have and maybe SHOULD have been, you know? It's harder that way I think. There was no real reason why we couldn't be together except for the fact our situations made it ultimately impossible.

[na49]

You guys have really been keeping me sane during this whole BU. At least more sane than I would be if I wasn't posting here.

 

It sucks that I need to beat this by myself, but I really do. No one is going to feel sorry for me. No one is going to make exceptions or anything for me. This crap happens to everyone, if other people get over their exes. I can too. I just need more help than others. Hearing two people talk about my ex yesterday was hell especially considering I haven't talked to anyone about her in a long time. Both times they brought her up, I got really angry and defensive followed by feeling really depressed. Should I block her friend who I think she's talking to? I used it as a way of "checking" up on her last night. Even though I don't make it a habit, I feel like that's a bad excuse.

 

The thing that gets me is that everyone knows her. So it's hard to make friends without hearing about her. Whether they know I dated her or not. I only have one friend who thinks she's crazy, everyone else thinks "she's a really nice girl who they can trust" :sick:

 

Have I been putting things off? I "looked into" blocking her. I did it. I "looked into the gym". I'm going. This is just another step for me. I obviously need it.

[cavalier99]

Yo man your doing fine. I think that you might just bebehind a few of us with the same time by a month or so. It isn't a competition on who gets better 1st. I mean i blocked my ex's number day of the BU. It took you a while longer ecetera. Your just holding on a little more tightly. And that makes sense at your age.

 

You are definitely progressing just seems like you take a little longer in each phase and feel it a bit more acutely. So no big deal!

 

The thing that i think might help you is understanding that the emotions come and go and you just need to ride it out. I sorta trick myself when i feel bad and just sorta go with it and tell myself it is another step in the mourning healing process.

 

Almost like feeling bad is good when it happens...does that make any sense? It is all attitude i think. Try not to get so upset about your feelings if possible? Feelings pass. As soon as you really know that it makes it easier to go on with your day.

 

For example you heard people talking about your ex and got upset. Next time you wont...seee. progress!

Edited February 7, 2013 by cavalier99

[suladas]

It's not easy when others talk about them. I had my dad over for supper a few weeks ago and he asked if I still talked to her, and it still bugs me a tiny bit when she is brought up like that. And the worst part was my parents were iffy at best about us going out in the first place, but after it ended both of them were sad for me that we no longer talk. I was really surprised, I fully expected my mom to say something to the tone that it was for the best. You're doing fine though, I mean i'm nearly 7 months since BU so it's expected I should be further along. Just take it as a huge learning lesson. I can't say for sure, but I really hope and believe that no one BU will ever hurt me like this one.

[suladas]

I would play it straight until you get hints so obvious that they are unmistakable. That might never happen (ok, it probably won't ever happen), but yeah, don't start overanalyzing anything. Unless it's a runaway train blowing its whistle barreling down on you at 85 mph, treat it as nothing. Last thing you need to do is find an excuse to play the "what if?" game.

 

The what if game has never left my head really. I still think about us getting back together once in a while, when the thoughts were stronger I would think about it logically and tell myself well she has ignored my contact, it's been months, she has never made first contact with me since, etc, etc so there is no reason why it will happen. I guess it's because she has been single since we broke up, a big reason we broke up was because she didn't want a relationship for a few reasons, and she didn't think it was a good idea for us to be together.

 

I do plan to play it cool and just see what happens. Start small and build up to more and more and see where it goes. I'm not doing it with the intention of winning her back, even just talking a bit like we had before would be nice. But i'm also not going to chase her or anything like that. If she makes it clear she doesn't want contact then i'll just leave it, but based on yesterday I think she's open if it's neighbor stuff. And thinking back, she did respond before we I sent her a message about it being awkward between us as neighbors.

 

Oh well see what happens. As long as it doesn't start setting me back and missing her i'm not worried.

[cavalier99]

It's not easy when others talk about them. I had my dad over for supper a few weeks ago and he asked if I still talked to her, and it still bugs me a tiny bit when she is brought up like that.

 

I don't know why but it never bothers me if something about my ex comes up with my friends.

 

Maybe because it is in the past tense. None of my friends know what she is up to. In fact some of them are like ohh sorry I brought up "ex". Like I'm fragile or something lol

 

I have difficulties at other moments on my own when i start to think about things etcetera but never if she comes up in conversation. It feels so distant. Like another life.!!

[suladas]

I don't know why but it never bothers me if something about my ex comes up with my friends.

 

Maybe because it is in the past tense. None of my friends know what she is up to. In fact some of them are like ohh sorry I brought up "ex". Like I'm fragile or something lol

 

I have difficulties at other moments on my own when i start to think about things etcetera but never if she comes up in conversation. It feels so distant. Like another life.!!

 

I think it's the way it's brought up, like asking "oh do you still talk to her?" that has bothered me a bit, less now then months ago though. My friends bring it up rarely like in a bragging way of how I was with a MILF, that doesn't bother me at all. Or even when I went on a trip with my brother a few months back we talked pretty much the whole time about women and that didn't bother me talking about her tons. It's weird. My brother has had good advice I need to take his approach on women more, I don't know if he just hid it but he's had 2 LTR like 2 years each and after those ended he didn't seem bothered at all. But then again, I hid mine pretty well and it wasn't that obvious how much I was hurting before, but he was definately not hurting that bad. Even he gave me great advice when we starting going out, treat it as some summer fun don't get attached.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't know why but it never bothers me if something about my ex comes up with my friends.

 

Maybe because it is in the past tense. None of my friends know what she is up to. In fact some of them are like ohh sorry I brought up "ex". Like I'm fragile or something lol

 

I have difficulties at other moments on my own when i start to think about things etcetera but never if she comes up in conversation. It feels so distant. Like another life.!!

 

One of my friends brought mine up a few weeks ago via gchat. He lives on the other side of the country and wondered why I hadn't talked about her in a while. It wasn't a fun conversation to have, though I kept it as brief and emotionless as possible. Also talked to my mom about it at that time and she's the one who mentioned that maybe I should think about contacting her and seeing what's up.

 

I kept my relationship on the down low while it was going on from a lot of my friends since she was the sister-in-law of my one friend. I didn't want it to become the gossip du jour, and because I didn't want to jinx it. Nice call on the second one

[na49]

Had a good day today. Much better than yesterday. Struck up a conversation with some people and was chatting with a few girls. It did numbers for my self esteem especially considering how bad I felt last night.

 

Another person brought up my ex. He asked if I was still friends with her and when I told him no he was like "she's so weird". It felt good to hear that I'm not really the only one, and that maybe more people think she's crazy than I thought. Maybe not everyone is on her side after all. I diffused any further conversation about her though. Telling him I don't want to know anything, I don't want to talk about her. Probably got a bit more defensive than I thought. but I don't want to hear anything about her.

 

I skipped the counselor and went to the gym. Didn't think it was necessary today, and I'd rather pour my emotions out to someone when I'm feeling horrible. Not when I feel great like I do now. After working out I felt amazing. So it's probably still got an effect. I went pretty hard too, I was by myself but felt extra motivated. I may feel dead tomorrow though lol.

 

The one guy who brought up my ex last night told me she was showing him pictures and he asked why I was in one of them. She said "that's my ex boyfriend" (ouch, the reality hurts) but whatever. He's drinking her Kool Aid and was telling me stuff like "she's really nice leave her alone" I felt like screaming when he said that. I probably won't talk to him much anymore. I don't want to be friends with her friends.

 

Should I block the guy I think she's talking to? (different than the guy who brought her up to me) I would do it but he posts everywhere so everywhere I'll see "no one likes this" and where there are supposed to be comments, there won't be. It's just a little awkward. Plus I may think it's my ex when it's not.

[na49]

I've been fighting the thoughts of her all day and so far I've been winning. I have a lot of homework that I need to do this weekend and I'll probably be snowed in so I'll have a lot of time to myself. I just need to try to stay busy doing something. Whatever it may be. If I sit here, posting on LS all day, I'll feel like crap. I really need to limit my time on here. Reading other people's threads can be helpful, but also can hurt me for some reason. Reading about people who are talking to their ex, makes me want to talk to mine. So I have to avoid that.

 

In other news. I don't feel sore today. Does that mean I didn't do enough yesterday at the gym? Am I supposed to feel dead the day after I workout? I feel a little stress on my arms, but it doesn't hurt to move them or anything.

 

also is it normal for every girl to look like my ex? It's actually annoying.

Edited February 8, 2013 by na49

[Chi townD]

In other news. I don't feel sore today. Does that mean I didn't do enough yesterday at the gym? Am I supposed to feel dead the day after I workout? I feel a little stress on my arms, but it doesn't hurt to move them or anything.

 

also is it normal for every girl to look like my ex? It's actually annoying.

 

 

If you went to the gym and did a work out, you made progress. You stayed active and there's going to be a result. Remember, the key to making changes to your body is 20% gym and 80% diet.

 

I'm kinda surprised that you've only had one run in with her since the beginning of school. And what's up with the guy telling YOU to leave HER alone? I wonder what she's telling people? I have a feeling she's trying to Demonize you to people again....Arrgh! Frustrating.

Edited February 8, 2013 by Chi townD

[na49]

Alright that's what my friend told me too. I've been having small snacks throughout the day and eating a snack before dinner so I don't go for seconds or anything.

 

Yup only saw her once. It's much better off that way, I'd rather see the hundreds of lookalikes that all of a sudden are all on campus than see her in the flesh. I know how much seeing her hurts already, so if I don't have to see her. I'm better off.

 

When he told me that, I lost my sh*t. I'm not the one who needs to leave her alone. She was the one who needed to leave me alone. I mentioned to him that she really hurt me. It's like when I told him that, it went right over his head. He seemed so uninterested in me telling him that. Not trying to get sympathy, I didn't give details or anything but I thought it was funny how he ignored when I said that.

 

I love drama. I admit it. but I don't want to deal with it anymore. Talking to anyone who is friends with her will cause drama. This guy mentioned her for no reason whatsoever! I don't want to say that everyone is taking sides because there's nothing really to take sides on anymore. Her friends think she's right, and think I'm wrong. Oh well. I won't win that. So I'll avoid it instead. It was refreshing to hear someone tell me she was weird yesterday and when I told him (a different person) I wasn't still friends with her. He said "good, she's so weird. why did you ever date her?" I felt awesome after he said that. He wasn't trying to cheer me up or anything either. So he really thinks she's nuts. Good to know everyone isn't on her side. I felt like I was really outnumbered. Probably still am, but I have more people on my side than I thought.

 

They're either her friends or my friends. She has more friends than me. She's friends with everyone. Nothing I can do about that. I won't be talking to the guy who told me to leave her alone anymore though. Or I'll just be friendly and tell him I can't talk.

 

It's been a battle all day today. I'm fighting the thoughts of her, what she's doing, does she miss me, etc. I have a lot of down time, so if I can survive this weekend without feeling too down. I'll be feeling great. Have to stay busy though!

[cavalier99]

Dude why would you tell anybody except us she really hurt you? You don't want that crap getting back to her. Better to say pretend like you don't give a **** and your over it. Just saying.

[na49]

Sh*t you're right. It probably will get back to her, whether it does or not. I'm not really concerned. She probably thinks I'm completely over her to be honest.

 

I actually hate talking about her with people, so having three different people mention her to me this week sucked. I'm winning the battle with my emotions and still don't feel too depressed. I'll never stop missing the old her (the idea of her) and what we had until I'm dating someone new. but I'm trying not to give myself too much time to think about her and miss her.

[Hopeful714]

Figure people are going to ask you about her. You answer matter of factly. Then basically the topic is dropped...so long as you leave it that way.

[cavalier99]

Sh*t you're right. It probably will get back to her, whether it does or not. I'm not really concerned. She probably thinks I'm completely over her to be honest.

 

I actually hate talking about her with people, so having three different people mention her to me this week sucked. I'm winning the battle with my emotions and still don't feel too depressed. I'll never stop missing the old her (the idea of her) and what we had until I'm dating someone new. but I'm trying not to give myself too much time to think about her and miss her.

 

No big deal. The important point is that you are handling your emotions better! That my man is progress. There is no NA team versus EX's team. Game is over and it is unimportant who her friends are etcetera. Just live you life like she doesn't exist. Because she truly doesn't for you.

[na49]

You're right. There isn't a game. I just really don't want to be friends with people who are friends with her in case this happens. I guess I handled it well. I really don't want anyone telling me anything she does. I feel like I'll always be known as "her ex boyfriend" because she's got such a reputation around campus and I don't.

 

This fight with my emotions is tough. I have to stay strong. I don't want to feel like crap if I can help it. Which most of the time I can. I just fall into these trances where I want to feel all upset because she's gone and sit and do nothing but think of her, and express how bad I want to check up on her on here.

 

Screw that though! Not tonight! 2 good days in a row would be huge for me, if I can just last the rest of the night.

[Simon Phoenix]

Figure people are going to ask you about her. You answer matter of factly. Then basically the topic is dropped...so long as you leave it that way.

 

This is correct. I actually ran into one of my ex's friends at the bar last night (a completely obnoxious woman that I really don't like). I hadn't seen her in months and it took both of us a second to process how we knew each other. She came up and interrupted a conversation I was having with a buddy of mine (I think she initially was trying to hit on one or both of us, we were all pretty drunk) and then is like "I know you!" Because I get this a lot (I'm very generic looking and get mistaken for other people all the time) and I didn't recognize her right away I was trying to tell her that she probably has me mistaken with someone else. Then she's like "No, you were with (name of my ex)" and I just said "Oh yeah" and remembered who she was.

 

She started briefly talking about my ex, nothing too crazy, and I just nodded and basically gave one-word answers. So she stopped and started talking with my friend and was saying "Oh yeah, Simon and I know each other because of (my ex)". And my friend was like "Oh yeah, (name of my ex)". They ended up hanging out with us for a while because my ex's friend had a hot friend that I started talking to (a girl that wasn't friends with my ex, though she swore she knows me too) and a crazy Louisiana guy with an awesome Cajun accent. Probably hung out for another 20-25 minutes and the ex was not brought up again because I said the bare minimum when the subject was broached. Enough to where it looked like I wasn't bitter or angry but nothing more besides that. That's the way to go.

 

And yeah, that was an unnecessarily long and pointless story.

[Simon Phoenix]

You're right. There isn't a game. I just really don't want to be friends with people who are friends with her in case this happens. I guess I handled it well. I really don't want anyone telling me anything she does. I feel like I'll always be known as "her ex boyfriend" because she's got such a reputation around campus and I don't.

 

This fight with my emotions is tough. I have to stay strong. I don't want to feel like crap if I can help it. Which most of the time I can. I just fall into these trances where I want to feel all upset because she's gone and sit and do nothing but think of her, and express how bad I want to check up on her on here.

 

Screw that though! Not tonight! 2 good days in a row would be huge for me, if I can just last the rest of the night.

 

How big is this school? I think you are overplaying how popular this girl is on campus. Maybe in the freshman class or in your peer group, but I guarantee you 95% of that campus (assuming you dont' go to a 1,500-student liberal arts school) has no clue who your ex is.

[na49]

Yeah it is actually that. She is "popular" among the freshman class/peer group. but I wouldn't say "popular". I feel like when someone is "popular" they are different than she is. Just because she knows all of these people, doesn't mean they are her friends or like her. I mean she was bothering me during winter break. Shouldn't she bother one of her friends? I guess she's popular in the way that she's known. but I'd be known too if I dormed and talked to anyone and everyone I passed by.

 

She's told me she thinks she's "famous" around campus. So her and her 24 year old rockstar are perfect. They both have millions of fans and everyone knows who they are.

 

I want to find the 95% of people who don't know who she is because I'm sure those people are awesome.

[Hopeful714]

She's told me she thinks she's "famous" around campus

 

If she told you this she most likely talks in a similar fashion to others.

 

My ex used to say "many girls want me" "I could have a thousand girls" Really? He was "popular" too. But for being an A-hole.Seriously, isn't it ridiculous we really used to listen to this?

[na49]

She definitely talks that way to others. My question would be, do other people really believe it? I can tell you for a fact, she is not "famous" and neither is her 24 year old rock star. He's not even popular around campus like she thinks he is, if he was popular I would have known who he was before I found out he was the guy she was f*cking on the side after she got done with me. Gah sick of her. I'm gonna go play video games or watch some basketball.

Edited February 9, 2013 by na49