Why do I feel worse?

[cavalier99]

I think NA will be fine. He just needs until fall or so. Then he will realize a year has passed and life will move on for him. He wont stay stuck forever and will heal ...just might take a little longer. I think he should still stay NC

[Simon Phoenix]

I think NA will be fine. He just needs until fall or so. Then he will realize a year has passed and life will move on for him. He wont stay stuck forever and will heal ...just might take a little longer. I think he should still stay NC

 

I agree he should and I agree he'll eventually be fine. It's the element of cheating and the relapsing back to a pretty early stage in the recovery process that concerns me. But yeah, the cheating part just gets me. I don't expect everyone in the world to have my reactions to everything, but I just don't get him romanticizing someone who would do that to him. Makes me think that there's something else going on that's beyond our pay grade.

[cavalier99]

I agree he should and I agree he'll eventually be fine. It's the element of cheating and the relapsing back to a pretty early stage in the recovery process that concerns me. But yeah, the cheating part just gets me. I don't expect everyone in the world to have my reactions to everything, but I just don't get him romanticizing someone who would do that to him. Makes me think that there's something else going on that's beyond our pay grade.

 

Yeah. Im with you. He is only 18 and this hit him hard. So it think it isnt just the BU. He is also in that difficult growing up stage. Still trying to figure out things ecetera. I didnt get confident until my early 20's. Still was putting all girls on a pedestal at his age. He will work thru this..just might take longer but it will be great for him in the long run:

[McDonald]

I think he should not message her. Im almost in the exact situation...

 

for me I feel like Yea I could text her... have a conversation,.. be friends again... but why? How will that benefit me? It fricken wont.... yea talknig to her will feel good at the moment...but damn once thatmoment passes Im going to start thinknig things like "why did she leave...what did I do... she responded so does she still like me?...

NO NO NO

 

Na come on. You know thats what you will think if you begin messaging her. Today I had a little episode because I was sitting home alone. Being alone.. and at home hasnt really helped me with this situation.. its made me think things like why did i change for her? And it sucks not being like how it used to be. But damnit Na, thats life right? Maybe this is the first time we have truly lost something close. And this isnt the last time it will happen.

 

 

Na I know for you its been about 4-5 months? Im about 3 1/2 months since the break up. And sometimes I get feelings of missing her. But it is only when im by myself. Which means I no longer have a need for her if i can fill my life with other people... like Im supposed to be doing.

 

na, Im sure its the same for you. I know it sucks to have them just leave. Like wtf did we do?? It should be our choice to kick them out of our lives. at first... it wasnt. But now it is our choice. Na, dont give this sloot the satisfaction to have you back as a friend. Maybe in a year... maybe in a few more months... but not now.. not now.

 

Im typing this for myself as well as our situations are identical lol.

 

Cmon na we can do this.

Edited March 26, 2013 by McDonald

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah. Im with you. He is only 18 and this hit him hard. So it think it isnt just the BU. He is also in that difficult growing up stage. Still trying to figure out things ecetera. I didnt get confident until my early 20's. Still was putting all girls on a pedestal at his age. He will work thru this..just might take longer but it will be great for him in the long run:

 

I also wasn't exactly Mr. Confident when I was 18. Heck, I'm sometimes insecure now on occasion. But even at 18 when I was cheated on I was done. I would be completely different and even relate to it if it wasn't for the cheating. The cheating, and his acceptance of it in any way, shape or form, just sucks. I can't relate to that.

[cavalier99]

I also wasn't exactly Mr. Confident when I was 18. Heck, I'm sometimes insecure now on occasion. But even at 18 when I was cheated on I was done. I would be completely different and even relate to it if it wasn't for the cheating. The cheating, and his acceptance of it in any way, shape or form, just sucks. I can't relate to that.

 

Ha ..it was his first taste of pussy so that dominates all his thinking and out weighs the cheating part. Lol.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ha ..it was his first taste of pussy so that dominates all his thinking and out weighs the cheating part. Lol.

 

Was exactly the same for me dude.

[McDonald]

Ha ..it was his first taste of pussy so that dominates all his thinking and out weighs the cheating part. Lol.

 

THis is my problem completely right now lol. Once I find someone else...

[cavalier99]

Was exactly the same for me dude.

 

That why you are THE Simon Phoenix! You are made of tougher stuff! Cav

[suladas]

Ha ..it was his first taste of pussy so that dominates all his thinking and out weighs the cheating part. Lol.

 

I thought that might have been a big part of it for me but it wasn't. Having sex with someone new might have helped a bit, but nothing huge.

[LostOne1]

Thats why NA needs a new girl.. he NEEDS to know and feel that he can find other girls. I think that's the best way to get over it.. is to KNOW that if 1 chic cheats on you.. another is out there who wants you badly!

 

I guess it's more like out with the old and in with the new...

 

And with that I have reached 1000 posts.. damn....

[McDonald]

I have a question... as I know I could easily find a girl.. not trying to boast.. but you know what I mean.. by lowering my standards etc..

I just have this feeling where its like If i were to have a ONS with another girl.. I wouldnt want her to be less attractive than my ex cause i feel like im going backwords. Is this bad as I am comparing girls to my ex? Im just cursed that my ex was really a model looking girl.. she was asked multiple times to model at holister etc. So like... IDK unrealsitic expectations now can really f you up. you know what I mean guys

[LostOne1]

I have a question... as I know I could easily find a girl.. not trying to boast.. but you know what I mean.. by lowering my standards etc..

I just have this feeling where its like If i were to have a ONS with another girl.. I wouldnt want her to be less attractive than my ex cause i feel like im going backwords. Is this bad as I am comparing girls to my ex? Im just cursed that my ex was really a model looking girl.. she was asked multiple times to model at holister etc. So like... IDK unrealsitic expectations now can really f you up. you know what I mean guys

I think what you will realize with time is that you WON'T care how a girl looks... as long as she looks decent. Because her personality will make up for it and you'll see that your ex's personality sucked and that looks just don't mean as much.

 

I think you rather know a girl looks decent and you are still attracted to her. Yet, you love everything about her and know she wouldnt cheat on you. And that will STAND out over your ex's looks.

 

Trust me on that one.. I met this amazing girl and I find her attractive, but she isn't the most hot girl in the world. But I think it's her personality that shines out bright.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed. While my ex was pretty attractive, she definitely isn't the hottest girl I've seen and I dated/hooked up with girls who I deemed more attractive. But when I was with her, I didn't care about any of that at all. When you find a woman you are into, how she compares to others you have been with physically won't matter.

[Kobe2345]

100% agree with what u guys said, when i dated my ex i didn;t think she was some hot mama or whatever, however as you get to know their personalities and other things, u find them as the most beautiful one ever lol... atleast to me however she left me for another dude i guess thats the bad part....

[cavalier99]

Were not f*king any fatties on this thread or going hogging for thr night. Strictly primo tail. c'mon guys keep up those standards. Cav

[destroyed4sho]

I think we all created a bubble boy here on LS. We have been coddling Na, lettig him suck on our nipples, carefully passing him to each other with a blanket wrapped around his body and put him in a glass cage hoping he will grow...and just overprotecting him because he is young.( Maybe we have been doing that bc we were hurt when.we were.young and dont want him to feel the same pain we once felt.)

 

We have been watching him and he hasnt been growing people!! Its been 95 pages plus...is this not a cry of help?...how.many more pages will this thread endure 500 maybe 1000?

He is still stuck at 'what.if I messaged her?' stage.

 

He still has hope even though he knows its so small he has been feeding off of it.

It needs to be destroyed pronto.

Its time.he messages this girl so she can give.him.more pain, confusion, rejection, humiliation. He needs to stick his head out so that it could be slapped! He needs this bc he has never experienced it before. Maybe he also needs it as a reference for future breakups.

 

Anyway, Im no relationship expert, but I think with me I needed a final rejection from my ex to squash that hope. NC works 100% and it IS the best method. But for na, this is his first rejection and he needs to see how cruel and cold.people can be in relationships.

 

idk, Im not a psychologist or anything, but look at how many posts he has written about the same thing and same feelings. He hasnt been progressing much.

 

I cant say I have steered clear of thinking about ex either. but I did make some breakthru's. Sometimes you need to be totally annihilated and a redo starting from Day 1 NC.

I think its time to kick this bird out of the nest and see what happens.

[na49]

I thought I mentioned that already, but I obviously have some self esteem issues and this BU didn't make them any better. The way it happened didn't help, the fact that it was my first didn't help. I probably had these issues before the BU, but when I was with her it was like everything was covered up. I felt confident because I felt "wanted" and I felt like I finally had a reputation. I just started college, I had a girlfriend, we saw each other all the time, we did stuff all the time, my grades were awesome, we were hooking up in her dorm room because she didn't have a roommate and life was good. and then I get dumped.

 

As much as I want to make excuses like "oh I'm young" or "oh it was my first one" or "everyone goes through this, it's okay" I'm not going to. I realize I have more problems dealing with this than most. I want to fix it. I'm trying to fix it. I've done everything in the book besides grabbing my balls and putting myself out there.

 

I just wonder if being rejected again one more time would push me in the right direction or if in another few months I would fall into the same habit and try reaching out again only to get the same answer. If it helps me, I would call her right now and message her on facebook but I still don't know if it would really help me to move on or if I'm looking for an excuse to check on her and pour my heart out to her.

[na49]

I really don't think I've been coddled at all. Everyone here has told me what I needed to hear. I do feel like I've taken steps in the right direction since making this thread even if I haven't moved much in 3 months.

 

I don't disagree with you though. Everyone tells me how badly it sucks, and maybe I do need to experience it first hand so I see things for what they are instead of living in this fantasy land. I just realize how badly it will screw with me and this week is my spring break. This is the one week I definitely don't want to be thinking about my ex. (even though I have been when I'm alone)

 

So who the f*ck knows really. Usually these urges go away after a while, for some reason it hasn't this time.

 

It probably sounds like BS, but I definitely have taken steps in the right direction since I made this thread 3 months ago. I've just been using it was my journal. Instead of making a new thread every time I have a thought about the same thing.

[drpepper1886]

Found this online. May help, may not.

 

The path of having "oh wells" instead of "what ifs" is not a straight path. It's a path that is exciting. A path that leads to more fulfilling friendships than you know what to do with. A path that leads to more self discovery than anything you've ever done before. This path leads to you making connections that might change your life. This path leads to finding the girl of your dreams and falling in love. To looking in her eyes and saying “Man, she loves me, how cool is this?”

 

This path is also scary. This path leads to disappointment in who you thought people were and who you find out they really are. This path leads to disappointment in yourself, because you think you messed up by taking a chance. This path leads to losing friends that you thought you'd have forever. This path leads to getting your heart broken over and over again. This path leads to times where you wish you had never started, that you had just stayed in and said "nah, I'm gonna play some video games."

 

This path is rewarding unlike anything else and unforgiving unlike anything else. This path will lift you up higher than you've ever been, and then knock you down to your lowest low. You will learn from your mistakes, only to make new ones. You will come so close to having everything you want, just to have it yanked away at the last minute. This path will show you what love looks and feels like. This path will teach you what loss and heartbreak is too.

 

You will learn what it feels like to be in total control of your life. What it feels like to have friends around you who would do anything for you. You will know what it feels like to have people in your life that love you for you.

 

There will be times where you feel like you have no control. That everything important to you is just out of reach. That you're totally alone, no matter how many people are around. That there is something wrong with you, all because you the wrong chance.

 

You will learn that you're a human who makes mistakes, and that everyone around you is the same. You will know what its like to lose something so special to you because you were afraid. You will know the triumph when you get something you hold so close to your heart because you were brave. You will learn the sorrow and paralyzing heartbreak when you lose something that you have wanted for so long, even when you were brave, but because she was scared.

 

You will succeed. You will fail. You will love. You will lose. You will have more "oh wells" than you know what to do with. You will learn to forgive, to speak your mind, to be kind and nurturing, to be stern and forceful. You will find all that life has to offer. You will develop a character that you never knew was in you.

 

You will learn what it means to be a human being.

[LostOne1]

I really don't think I've been coddled at all. Everyone here has told me what I needed to hear. I do feel like I've taken steps in the right direction since making this thread even if I haven't moved much in 3 months.

 

I don't disagree with you though. Everyone tells me how badly it sucks, and maybe I do need to experience it first hand so I see things for what they are instead of living in this fantasy land. I just realize how badly it will screw with me and this week is my spring break. This is the one week I definitely don't want to be thinking about my ex. (even though I have been when I'm alone)

 

So who the f*ck knows really. Usually these urges go away after a while, for some reason it hasn't this time.

 

It probably sounds like BS, but I definitely have taken steps in the right direction since I made this thread 3 months ago. I've just been using it was my journal. Instead of making a new thread every time I have a thought about the same thing.

just give it time.. I'm getting closer and closer to a year now since the BU. When summer hit's it will be 1 yr and I think it will feel good. For once I will have a BETTER summer than last year.

[na49]

I went out for lunch with my brother, and it didn't cheer me up at all. I came home and looked at the douche rocket's twitter. I saw nothing about my ex, I stopped myself before going too far back but I don't think they're together. Or if they are, he's really good at hiding it. Now my hands are shaking as I'm typing this. I haven't even seen anything about her.

 

Do I just end my misery and check or keep this feeling up and hope it passes?

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think na has been coddled. In fact, I've been a borderline a--hole to the kid at times. I just don't know though. There has been progress, but he tends to retard himself at this stage and I don't get it. I mean, I wasn't exactly Mr. self-esteem when I was 18 either and even now I'll get pangs of insecurity about certain things, but I just can't even fathom holding a torch for someone who was as brutal as na's ex was to him. I just don't have the ability to overlook disloyalty and betrayal and consider it OK. na apparently doesn't care about that. Maybe we need to back off and let the kid dig his own grave.

[na49]

I don't want to be coddled. I want you to keep being as @sshole Simon. I don't really think you are being one to be honest.

 

Well I'm like an alcoholic getting his fix, I just checked her twitter. It appears she may have dated someone who isn't the douche rocket but it may or may not have fallen through. So close to checking her facebook and ripping the bandage off completely just so I can start over.

[Chi townD]

I don't want to be coddled. I want you to keep being as @sshole Simon. I don't really think you are being one to be honest.

 

Well I'm like an alcoholic getting his fix, I just checked her twitter. It appears she may have dated someone who isn't the douche rocket but it may or may not have fallen through. So close to checking her facebook and ripping the bandage off completely just so I can start over.

 

 

You know, if you put in just half the effort into meeting new people (new girls) and putting forth positive changes rather than the effort you put into wondering what she's doing, then you would have made some massive progressions by now.