Why am I SO UPSET?

[wavylocks]

I received help on this forum before and everyone was great so I thought I would try again. I’m stuck.

 

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months and we are absolutely crazy about each other. We have had some fights but have a great relationship. I love her deeply and think she is perfect for me(not perfect, perfect for me). She loves me deeply and thinks I am perfect for her as well.

 

She is 31 years old and I am 29 years old and we both ended long term relationships over 2 years ago. We have told each other about our past relationships and what happened to them, but we both agreed we didn’t care about the number of sexual partners we had.

 

Here’s the situation I am in right now. I think I should preface this by saying we had one fight over being open about the people in our lives. I have a female married co-worker friend who I talk and text with but have never been social with outside of work who my girlfriend felt like I was hiding from her. In all honesty, this person just isn’t that important to me but I understood why my girlfriend felt the way she did so I have been open with her about the co-worker and everything is fine. Back to the situation. The other day I got a text message from an old friend, a girl, who I dated back in high school. She is married, and pregnant with her second child. I haven’t talked to her in a while and she was always a little eccentric. The text read “Stay out of my crazy preggo dreams!”. So it appears she had a dream about me. I didn’t respond to the text and showed it to my girlfriend. She was visibly upset about it and we talked and went back and forth and I told her that she was a friend and I barely talk to her and see her even less (she knew of this girl before I got this text). I said if my GF met her she would understand the crazy text she sent to which my GF replied she didn’t want to meet someone I have “been with”. I told her I never slept with this girl and my GF said that made her feel much better. She asked if I was still friends with anyone I slept with and I said no. I then asked her the same question and she said no with a tone. I could tell the answer was really a yes so I asked her who. She didn’t want to tell me. I asked her to tell me a few more times and she finally answered “Mike Jones”. My GF travels a lot for her job and Mike Jones is a good friend of hers that she has known for years who she met while traveling in Missouri. We live in PA, so I have never met him, but I know of him from her texting him. I’ve seen texts she wrote to him about me and things he has said to her about me. When she had to travel to places for work, she would tell him and he would plan travel to the same place so they could get together. She told me they leaned on each other when they were both going through breakups and while dating new people. She said they both got wasted one night while she was traveling and had sex, and it was horrible and she didn’t talk to him for a while and it never happened again. But he kept texting her and eventually she responded and they became friends again. Then, she started dating me, stopped leaning on him, and he told her that she abandoned him.

After she told me I became really upset. I am distracted and can’t stop thinking about the two of them together. It has been days later and I’m still thinking about it and I just feel horrible. But here is the kicker….I DON’T KNOW WHY! This happened 2 YEARS ago. Before I knew her. I know about her other long term boyfriends, I know she has been with other people and none of that bothered me except this specific one. One of her exes even texts her now and then and THAT doesn’t bother me. She even told me about a one night stand she had and I didn’t care one bit. I am 100% confident in our relationship; I know she would never cheat on me. So WHY am I SO UPSET over this? I don’t understand it. Am I lying to myself? I have tried asking myself questions about it and keep coming up empty.

 

I have asked:

Am I upset because I didn’t think that was something she would ever do?

Am I upset because she is being a hypocrite saying she wouldn’t want me talking to someone I have slept with while she did it the whole time?

Am I upset because she kept it from me?

Am I upset because I’m jealous that I now know someone who has had her?

Am I being immature?

 

So here I am, stuck and confused. Is this jealousy? Is it normal? How do I know why I am so upset over this one thing? We went shopping later in the day that she told me about this and she could see I was distracted and upset. I broke down. I talked to her about it and explained how I felt, got really upset, but I don’t know why I feel this way. She wants to do ANYTHNG to fix it but I don’t even know what specifically is bothering me. I don’t’ want to KEEP brining it up to her to talk about it until I can figure out what’s wrong and communicate it clearly with her. I have NEVER been a jealous person and am not sure if that’s even what this is but it is complete irrational. I’m starting to think I am upset because she kept it from me while knowing that if I did something like that she would be upset. She assumed I slept with that other girl and was upset when SHE ACTUALLY DID sleep with that other guy but NEVER led me to believe that she did. She always just told me they were friends. Starting to think this but i either don't know or I am lying to myself.

What do I do?

[clia]

Are you jealous because she's known Mike Jones for a long time, and has established a much deeper, longer relationship with him due to the passage of time? Now knowing that sex was involved puts their relationship at an entirely new level. Maybe -- irrational or not -- you feel threatened by him?

 

Honestly, the whole thing is bizarre. You are four months into a new relationship and already fighting about people from your past. Obviously due to your ages both of you have pasts and people you have slept with. I will never understand why you would even feel the need to ask the questions or share who you have slept with, but that seems to be popular on this site. (Followed generally by the post about how upset the OP is to have found out said information.) You are both being immature -- you about Mike Jones, and she about your crazy preggo friend. You are both adults and have made the decision to be together. So, be together and be mature about it. The past is the past. Forget it.

[wavylocks]

Are you jealous because she's known Mike Jones for a long time, and has established a much deeper, longer relationship with him due to the passage of time? Now knowing that sex was involved puts their relationship at an entirely new level. Maybe -- irrational or not -- you feel threatened by him?

 

That's a good question. I don't know why I am thinking about it. I never did before i knew they had sex and i never wanted to know. I don't even know why I asked. Maybe I hoped the answer was no so she wasn't creating a double standard?

 

Honestly, the whole thing is bizarre. You are four months into a new relationship and already fighting about people from your past. Obviously due to your ages both of you have pasts and people you have slept with. I will never understand why you would even feel the need to ask the questions or share who you have slept with, but that seems to be popular on this site. (Followed generally by the post about how upset the OP is to have found out said information.) You are both being immature -- you about Mike Jones, and she about your crazy preggo friend. You are both adults and have made the decision to be together. So, be together and be mature about it.

 

I agree. I didn't want to know this but its too late now. And even the stuff i did know before, I never cared. Whats different about this one? I know its crazy.

 

The past is the past. Forget it.

 

Perfect plan! I love it! How do I do that?

[wavylocks]

I was really hoping someone could give me some insight or help or even what to do next. I really want to talk to my girlfriend about this but I feel like if I do and nothing gets resolved or if my feelings get worse she is going to get worried. I can't just keep talking and talking about it with her without resolving the situation, that's not fair to her. Finding the resolution starts with figuring out whats really bothering me but I am struggling with that. Can anyone help me?

[salparadise]

Finding the resolution starts with figuring out whats really bothering me but I am struggling with that. Can anyone help me?

 

Because you knew they were close and then found out it wasn't strictly platonic. Because you know he travels to be with her when she's away on business and there is opportunity for it to happen again. Because she withheld a key fact from you. Because all of this is incongruent with what you presumed the situation to be and red flags are popping up signaling that something isn't quite right. Because you feel threatened.

 

This is just one more example of how maintaining opposite sex friendships, or friendship with an ex, exacts a toll on the primary relationship. The cure is for each partner to distance themselves from all other opposite sex relationships if they want the primary to succeed. That doesn't mean you can never talk to that person again, but it means you will do so infrequently, not have anymore confidences, sharing of intimate details, or leaning on them for support in whatever situation. And communication will only take place in a context of general social situations so that the whole world knows it's on the up and up. I have no idea why people assume that they can get away with this and not have it screw up their relationship.

[Darren Steez]

Oh man she switched it on you good, real good. This is not a relationship but a power play. All this time she felt unequal in the relationship, insecure so how do you go about shifting the balance of power? Game playing.

 

Her "tone" was deliberate, to plant that seed of doubt and now that seed is planted, it's taken root and has now shifted that balance of power because now you're insecure.

 

So I guess the next time you text a girl..or more importantly every time she texts or receives a text you'll be wondering who sent it. When she travels you'll be wondering if she's with him. Nothing maybe happening but that seed has been planted.

 

If I were you, I'd sit your girl down, clear the air and get the game playing to stop. Be on equal footing because you both distrust the heck out of each other and that's not good going forward.

[wavylocks]

Because you knew they were close and then found out it wasn't strictly platonic.

 

This is true. But i knew she was close with other people before me. But she still talks to this one.

 

Because you know he travels to be with her when she's away on business and there is opportunity for it to happen again.

 

This is what makes me feel like it was more than i know. What "friend" arranges travel to come see someone. Maybe she thought he was a friend, but he obviously wanted more.

 

Because she withheld a key fact from you.

 

This is what is really eating me. She KNEW she would be upset if i was talking to someone who i had slept with, yet she was doing it and withheld it from me. Why?

 

Because all of this is incongruent with what you presumed the situation to be and red flags are popping up signaling that something isn't quite right.

 

This hits the nail on the head. I never expected this. I never expected this was something she would do in the first place. Not with a friend, not with him and especially not someone she still is so close with. So what do i do with these flags? Are the my own fault for presuming or are they real for her withholding? We did say we weren't going to talk about our sex lives or partners so maybe she assumed it didn't needed to be told. Is that fair or am i making excuses? She i ask her why she didn't tell me?

 

Because you feel threatened.

 

I don't. I don't feel threatened by him and i don't think she would ever cheat. I feel more betrayed by her(maybe a little too strong of a word) than threatened.

[wavylocks]

Oh man she switched it on you good, real good. This is not a relationship but a power play. All this time she felt unequal in the relationship, insecure so how do you go about shifting the balance of power? Game playing.

 

This is somewhat true. I didn't mention it in the first post because it was already too long but earlier in the relationship we had a talk about our pasts and she got really upset. It was when we agreed not talk about it. She shut down, got quiet and wanted to go home. She got over it much quicker than i am, probably because she didn't have any details or specific people to dwell on like i do. But maybe you are right, maybe she wasn't over it and has felt insecure this whole time.

 

Her "tone" was deliberate, to plant that seed of doubt and now that seed is planted, it's taken root and has now shifted that balance of power because now you're insecure.

 

If she did this, I don't think it was consciously. But it definitely seems that way. She may be playing games, but could she be doing it unintentionally because of her own insecurities?

 

So I guess the next time you text a girl..or more importantly every time she texts or receives a text you'll be wondering who sent it. When she travels you'll be wondering if she's with him. Nothing maybe happening but that seed has been planted.

 

i don't want either of us to feel this way. I don't want us to think we have to worry about the other person. We both trust each other. I just want us both to get over these insecurities, together. How do we do that?

 

If I were you, I'd sit your girl down, clear the air and get the game playing to stop. Be on equal footing because you both distrust the heck out of each other and that's not good going forward.

 

Like i said before, i don't think its distrust, i hope its insecurity. I want to talk to her, but I'm not sure where or how to start.

[wavylocks]

Also, I just want to say thank you to everyone who replied. Just reading your responses has helped me think about things more clearly.

[todreaminblue]

Telling a past should be done in one fell swoop, fell it, over it, done with it,it does need to be said and you both determine before you start what can be said without too much heartache,I have a problem when it comes to telling my past because it has abuse in it, so ill ask before and feel out if i think the person i am in a relationship can handle it, i speak to my exes and are friends with them, i lean on my ex who is interstate a fair bit as we have kids together, if i was with someone i probably wouldnt ,I never had to lean on anyone, when i was with him , he was my best friend, and he knew my sexual history verbatim good and bad, i was friends with him for two years, so he already knew my issues,he pursued me in spite of them.......

 

Sex in the past is often a mistake, i say this because the people you sleep with in your pat are not in your future so you have either made a mistake or it didnt work out ....it takes maturity and core strength to get over peoples pasts, i am not a jealous person and your gfs reaction was irrational in my opinion and so is yours now....she is with you and you need to develop strategies, you need to have one more conversation about sex and the past and let it go , if you choose to dwell in the past you cant step forward....you are jealous, you are upset she didnt tell you and she should have told you but she didnt, and because you didnt know about him and her and sex, you are now threatened by what you didnt know....

 

 

I will give you an experience that i think is appropriate,

 

 

I go for night walks, I adore them, I cant wait sometimes to go on them but because I have had things happen that werent pleasant, I have been spending a lot of time looking over my shoulder down the road i have just come from or a side road a car pulls out from and my heart races and i will actually veer in another direction, can totally change my path thats all past inflicted...ptsd....so i wear headphones i hav emusic blaring and every time i look over my shoulder i think what is going to happen is going to happen and there will be a reason for it............it wont help if i hear it coming ,it wont help if i see it coming,it will happen..........and i turn back keep walking adn i look for the things i love to see, the water, the possums on the electrical overheads, the loved up possum couple that sit near a walk sign eating seeds, the bats that fly over head,the fisherman with headlights on their head fishing for squid the peopel who smile at me or say beautiful night ill even take my headphones off so i can reply.......whatever i see in front of me and i enjoy my walk, go back in to daydream land and let what will bE .....BE...if soemone jumps me i figure ill give them a run for their money....and i keep walking......you have heard the soldier adage....."EYES FRONT"

 

 

Keep your eye on the prize, keep your eyes front or keep your eyes looking behind you, what seems sensible?????.......You need to turn around and keep your eyes focused on enjoying what you have together.....jealousy over the road behiond you ...it is a nah..think before you lose what you could have enjoyed together..both of your pasts was merely a vehicle to get you where you are today....NO MORE....NO LESS..... eyes front and enjoy it.....best wishes on your walk....deb

Edited January 4, 2013 by todreaminblue

[salparadise]

I don't feel threatened by him and i don't think she would ever cheat.

 

Well, it's your deal, but if they're still meeting up when she's away on business trips I'd feel threatened. Is he spending real money to travel, i.e. plane tickets, motels, meals etc.? Think about it; what would motivate a person to do that? It just seems so out of the ordinary for some friendly conversation, not so much if there's more to it.

[rys]

I feel that Mike Jones will be a part of her life. She loves you but I think if she becomes vulnerable, you wouldn't know whom she'll lean on-you or him.

 

Like if you'll confront her with this, she'll shutdown. And just maybe, discuss this with Mike Jones. He's her best friend. But since you are a couple, you should be her best friend. Were you friends before you got together?

[NoMagicBullet]

This hits the nail on the head. I never expected this. I never expected this was something she would do in the first place. Not with a friend, not with him and especially not someone she still is so close with. So what do i do with these flags? Are the my own fault for presuming or are they real for her withholding? We did say we weren't going to talk about our sex lives or partners so maybe she assumed it didn't needed to be told. Is that fair or am i making excuses? She i ask her why she didn't tell me?

 

You've only known each other 4 months, so likely as you got to know her, you started piecing together a mental picture of who she was. Now you have a piece that doesn't fit, and you have to rearrange your view of her to accomodate this new info. It wouldn't be so bad, except this new info is about someone she slept with in the past who she still has contact with in the present. Red flag indeed. You are not imagining it. That was even the discussion that led to you finding out -- that you are not in contact with anyone from your past whom you've slept with. (Kudos to you for good boundaries! )

 

That she was upset that you were in contact with these women before she knew that you never slept with them is also a red flag. "The lady doth protest too much," you know? It's not unusual for people who are engaing in shady behaviour to get paranoid that their partner is doing or will do the same things they are/have. She also was less than forthcoming about the reality of her & Mike Jones. I wonder if you had never asked her directly, if she would have ever told you.

 

Mike Jones has traveled to meet up with her in the past (does he still?) and has wanted more with her than just friendship. He is a threat, and another red flag, no matter how much she emphasizes that the sex was bad and he'll never be more than a friend. I would not be suprised that when she hits a rough patch in her life, Mike Jones will be her emotional affair partner and if she's vulnerable enough, he'll be able to get her into bed again. (Assuming he hasn't or isn't already.)

 

If you're going to make it to month 5 of this relationship, these very real red flags need to be addressed immediately. Is she willing to end the friendship with Mike Jones for a relationship with you? That's the only way I see this relationship moving forward.

[Alia_alia]

If you're 100% sure that you are in love with each other, then just accept that it's normal to feel upset. Tell her to do something cute to make it up to you. It will make her feel good and it will make you feel good.

 

On the other hand, the real problem is that she lied to you, at first when you asked her (even though you said you "understood" her tone of voice), so Idk how much of a lie that was.

[GSB81]

You say you don't feel threatened, in reality you should. You say you don't think she'd cheat on you. Read the forum, it's full of horror stories from people who have been cheated on and never saw it coming. The problem here is that she's a hypocrite. She's jealous of people from your past, yet she's keeping Mike Jones around. It's ok for her to do that but not you? Truth is, you've only been with her for a mere 4 months. You have no idea at this point what this woman is capable of, but you've been given a glimpse. Don't ignore signs.

[wavylocks]

Well, I have a huge document typed up with my thoughts and responses to everyone's great input, salparadise, rys, NoMagic and all. I just don't know if its worth posting because my thoughts are so scattered I don't even know where I stand right now or if anyone can make any sense of everything i wrote. She and I talked over the weekend and I felt much better, but then I came back here and read the responses and felt horrible again. I think the only way to figure this out and get over it is talking with her about it. The problem is i have been thinking about it so much and for so long that my thoughts are scattered and each time I talk to her about it i feel better but then think about other things that i forgot to bring up. I can't KEEP talking to her about it without getting closure because eventually it will become exhausting for both of us and drive us apart.

 

In my response i asked questions like who will she turn to if she is sad and vulnerbale and she and i are fighting? I also mention that she traveled to Mike Jones' region for the last time ever right when we began dating, and what good could come from me asking her if she saw him then? Do i want to know?

 

I just wish i could talk to her and get everything out in the open. One last note. I really feel that she is the one. She is amazing and i have NEVER felt this way about anyone in my life and i was with someone for 7 years. We have talked about marriage, family moving in together and a future and i refuse to let this tear us apart. I also feel like this is part of the reason I am feeling so much emotion about this.

[salparadise]

You've probably thought and said enough for the time being. Since you're certain that you want to be with her and are looking toward a future together, both of you must do whatever is necessary to reestablish complete trust and continually reassure in both word and deed. Both of you should avoid even the slightest appearance of potential impropriety or withholding of information with regard to whom you are in contact with. This, of course, includes relegating opposite sex friends far to the background and focusing on each other exclusively. If she is willing to do this I think things will resolve easily. If she insists on maintaining contact with Mike Jones then she does not comprehend the degree to which a third party, and former sex partner, in your relationship obviates the potential for the degree of trust you need to make it work. I think you should let her arrive at this conclusion on her own by discussing trust as opposed to issuing an ultimatum. However, from your perspective it probably should be a deal breaker if she isn't willing to cut him loose because you will always have anxiety over it and it will forever undermine the foundation.

Edited January 8, 2013 by salparadise

[NoMagicBullet]

^I think sal makes a good point here.

 

I know what you mean about coming on LS and getting depressed about things. I'm not in a relationship, but the less time I spend on LS, I find the more positive and optimistic I am about dating and finding a great guy someday. Let's face it, people don't usually post here with: "My relationship is great!"

 

I think it's good that you wrote down all your thoughts, and I think the value of that would be in further sorting them out and discussing them with your gf, rather than posting here. Maybe in the context that you just mentioned -- that you see her being an important part of your life in the future, and you'd like to talk about steadily building that relationship.

 

Just be careful, eh? It's only been 4 months, take it slow and aim to make steady progress over a period of time. Again, you just found out about her history with Mike Jones recently, and I'm worried that your imagination may be filling in the blanks instead of you asking questions and learning more about her. Don't get caught up in a fantasy at this stage. Keep getting to know her -- and she should keep getting to know you, too.

[wavylocks]

You've probably thought and said enough for the time being. Since you're certain that you want to be with her and are looking toward a future together, both of you must do whatever is necessary to reestablish complete trust and continually reassure in both word and deed. Both of you should avoid even the slightest appearance of potential impropriety or withholding of information with regard to whom you are in contact with. This, of course, includes relegating opposite sex friends far to the background and focusing on each other exclusively. If she is willing to do this I think things will resolve easily. If she insists on maintaining contact with Mike Jones then she does not comprehend the degree to which a third party, and former sex partner, in your relationship obviates the potential for the degree of trust you need to make it work. I think you should let her arrive at this conclusion on her own by discussing trust as opposed to issuing an ultimatum. However, from your perspective it probably should be a deal breaker if she isn't willing to cut him loose because you will always have anxiety over it and it will forever undermine the foundation.

 

This is what I am unsure about. It was in my other response that i didn't post, but right now, they aren't talking. She said she tells me everything now and not him, so much so that he is mad at her for “abandoning” him. So they don’t talk, but not by her doing and they could restart anytime at HIS choice. But at the same time, she already distanced herself from him naturally, which I think is a good sign. Am I seeing what I want to see here or is that really as good as I think it is? The problem is I don't know how i would react if they started again. I don't think she knows how i feel about them talking because I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!

I do know I don't want anything creeping back up later on which is why I am still thinking we have more to discuss.

 

 

^I think sal makes a good point here.

 

I know what you mean about coming on LS and getting depressed about things. I'm not in a relationship, but the less time I spend on LS, I find the more positive and optimistic I am about dating and finding a great guy someday. Let's face it, people don't usually post here with: "My relationship is great!"

 

I think it's good that you wrote down all your thoughts, and I think the value of that would be in further sorting them out and discussing them with your gf, rather than posting here. Maybe in the context that you just mentioned -- that you see her being an important part of your life in the future, and you'd like to talk about steadily building that relationship.

 

Just be careful, eh? It's only been 4 months, take it slow and aim to make steady progress over a period of time. Again, you just found out about her history with Mike Jones recently, and I'm worried that your imagination may be filling in the blanks instead of you asking questions and learning more about her. Don't get caught up in a fantasy at this stage. Keep getting to know her -- and she should keep getting to know you, too.

 

I agree with what you said about LS. I feel like initial reaction to GSB81 was defensive. Of course if i look through the forums i will see horror stories. But bad news travels faster than good news and no one comes on here to proclaim the greatness of their relationship(like I was doing a few short weeks ago). I am considering posting the responses i typed earlier in hopes that if i share more information i can get more insight. You are right NoMagicBullet, my mind is focusing on all the wrong thoughts of the past instead of enjoying our time. Come to think of it, I would probably still be friends with and talk to the crazy pregnant girl from the first post even if we had sex. And I'm sure my girlfriend would be more upset if that was the case, but i would still consider her just a friend, just like she does with Mike Jones. Do you think i should post my thoughts from earlier or follow sal's advice and leave it for a while?? I am still thinking about it and still feel it in unresolved with her so I am not sure how easy it will be to drop, although it isn't as bad as before. Thank you ALL for your help.