I broke up with the conservative guy

[Ruby Slippers]

I've been pretty sure for the past few weeks that it wasn't going to work out, but I didn't want either of us to be alone for Christmas, and I was holding out some hope that things might get better.

 

As a final check before going through with it, I talked to my counselor today, told her all my reasons for wanting to end it, and though she's been encouraging me to stick with it for these 6 months, this time she agreed that it sounded like it was best to end it.

 

He asked me why, and I said we'd talked about everything all along. But I went down the list with him and told him everything - totally different philosophies on romance/love/emotions, his closed, guarded nature and relative lack of expressions of feelings, mismatched attitudes toward sex, his reserved and guarded personality, his arrogance and judgment about some new things I'd introduce him to, his more cynical attitude, him being conflicted about some big things, like religion, sex, and love.

 

I told him I'm open to the possibility of being friends in the future, but want a month of no contact to let go of the romantic part of it. It's unlikely we'll stay friends, especially since now he lives in a different city. But I'm willing to give it a shot.

 

He started crying.

 

He asked if my decision was final. I said yes. He said he's going to miss me very much and will never forget me. I said the same.

 

He said you never know, maybe there will be another chance for us someday. I said yeah, you never know. But we both know the chances of that are next to zero.

 

Right now, I feel... neutral. I think I did most of my grieving a few weeks ago, when we had a big fight and it hit me that it probably wasn't going to work. I bawled my guts out several times that weekend. I think that since then, we've been preparing ourselves and each other for the end - which was kind.

 

I'm sure I'll cry and grieve more, but I think it'll be mostly because I'm on my own again, without someone in my corner checking in on me, giving me advice, and all that. The one good thing about not having a strong emotional bond with him is that I won't have to miss that - it was never there.

 

I'll wait a bit and let everything go. But right now, I feel like I'm not going to wait too long before I start dating again. I had several long years of sadness and hardly any romance or fun with men before this year, and I've realized life is much more fun with a man in it.

 

I want to thank everyone who gave me advice about this relationship. I read and considered every word of it, whether optimistic or critical. It all made sense. But I wanted to see this through in the way that felt right to me.

 

I'm glad I met him and gave it my all. I'm glad I didn't bail because I was scared and insecure, but took the time to really reflect on the relationship and determine that it wasn't really fulfilling me or making me happy. I'm also glad that I was kind and fair all along, throughout the relationship and right up to the very end.

[realisticbound]

You made a mature decision.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that it wasn't a good match for you but at least you're wise enough and have enough self-awareness to be true to you.

[january2011]

Ruby, I felt sure that this one might have gone long-term despite the differences but have not been on LS lately so didn't know that things hadn't been going well.

 

So sorry that it didn't work out. You do sound very "together" and certain about your decision. I think it is still worth giving yourself some time and space to grieve and not rush into anything emotional and physical with anyone else. Best of luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, y'all. Your sympathy is comforting.

 

Today I just feel like I've lost my mojo. I feel low motivation to get anything done. But I figure it's kind of like when you get a root canal. You feel weird and crappy for a little while, but then you're better off afterward.

 

My business strategy lady will be here in 5 minutes, and I don't feel like making big plans for my business or anything else right now. But I'm sure our meeting will fire me up, as always.

 

The weekend is almost here. I want to resist the urge to spend too much time doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself.

[Emilia]

Keep your chin up Ruby, it is hard to find someone you are compatible with - but it is also true that romance is sometimes just around the corner You never know.

[Ruby Slippers]

I was feeling aimless and kind of lost this evening, and a friend called and invited me over for dinner on Sunday. She also gave some sweet commentary and advice. She said it's OK this ended, because I'm a little bit closer to real love now, and I've learned some things about what I want and don't want. So true!

 

I also went over some of the good things with her - I'm glad I was so honest and fair. It took courage to bring up many of the things I did, and to be so honest with myself and him about what I wanted.

 

I'm having other friends over to my place tomorrow night for dinner. This is good, because there's suddenly a big empty space in my weekends that I know I'd have a hard time filling with just work. I definitely need to be with sweet people who love me and are fun this weekend.

 

My counselor's homework this time was to take good care of myself post-breakup. I have dry winter skin right now, so tonight I'm gonna take a hot bath and then rub myself down with some nice massage oil all over, and get into some comfy girlie PJs. My friend reminded me to be good to myself, keep dressing up when I go out, treat myself like a pearl. Also good advice!

 

Breakups are hard on me because I'm not close to my dysfunctional family and I live far away from them. I'm lucky I have such good friends.

[carhill]

My sympathies and I'm enormously proud of the *way* you ended it. Kudos. Good things will continue to come your way. Best wishes

[Emilia]

I was feeling aimless and kind of lost this evening, and a friend called and invited me over for dinner on Sunday. She also gave some sweet commentary and advice. She said it's OK this ended, because I'm a little bit closer to real love now, and I've learned some things about what I want and don't want. So true!

 

 

This is why you shouldn't despair. I know it took you a while to find this guy but it doesn't mean it will take you this long again to find someone else you want to get serious with. You live and learn and it gets better.

[CarrieT]

Ruby, I am sorry for the hurt but feel you made the right decision.

 

And - I believe - no relationship is necessarily a "failure," but an opportunity to learn for the next one and part of the building blocks towards building a positive and happy future with the one you will eventually find.

 

Hugs...

[coffeebean201]

I haven't been reading the backstory on this, but sorry about the breakup Ruby.

 

Sounds like if he is conservative and was crying about the breakup that he would change stuff about himself, if he could.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is why you shouldn't despair. I know it took you a while to find this guy but it doesn't mean it will take you this long again to find someone else you want to get serious with. You live and learn and it gets better.

Definitely. I've only cried a few tears so far. But like I said, I think that's because I already cried a LOT a few weeks ago when it hit me hard that this probably wasn't going to work out. Maybe the tears will come later, and that's fine. Right now, I'm just having weird dreams (not about him).

 

I wake up in the morning and all these memories and feelings pass over me. What's interesting is that I'm not hanging on to any of them. I just lie there and let each thought and feeling pass through me like a wave, then wash away. It's interesting. I feel like I've grown up a lot. I still feel just as intensely, but I use my feelings for productive ends, rather than letting them throw me off course.

 

Ruby, I am sorry for the hurt but feel you made the right decision.

 

And - I believe - no relationship is necessarily a "failure," but an opportunity to learn for the next one and part of the building blocks towards building a positive and happy future with the one you will eventually find.

 

Hugs...

Thank you, sweetheart. I totally agree.

 

I realized that since I started dating again after my long hiatus, the matches have gotten progressively better. This guy was definitely in the ballpark. And I've learned a ton along the way. I do feel that I'm meeting better matches every time, and that's only going to continue. From the very beginning, I knew I'd be happy I got to know this guy, and that hasn't changed. I think we woke each other up in a big way, challenging each other to move through a period of cynicism and laziness that wasn't doing us any good. I feel that knowing each other has changed us both a little bit, for the better.

 

I haven't been reading the backstory on this, but sorry about the breakup Ruby.

 

Sounds like if he is conservative and was crying about the breakup that he would change stuff about himself, if he could.

Thank you. We both made a LOT of effort to meet each other halfway. And I think we could have been happy together, except for the missing emotional connection element. That was pretty much entirely a block on his part - nothing I could do about it.

 

Surprisingly, letting this great catch go because I didn't feel truly loved and appreciated with him has renewed my strength and confidence.

[Ruby Slippers]

I just checked my landline and saw that he called me this morning at 10:30. I asked my counselor what to do if he contacts me during this month I've asked for no contact. She said if you ask someone not to contact you, and you really mean it, the best way to handle it is to ignore it. So that's what I'll do.

 

I admit that one of the thoughts that passes through me now and then is "maybe he'll realize how great we are together and step up". This is pretty normal, I think.

 

Still, the best thing I can do is stick to my guns and proceed on my own. He's had dozens of chances to do what he needs to do. If he has some great plan after this month of NC, I'll consider it. But I'm not holding my breath.

[ScienceGal]

You are being so strong. I totally handed control over to the ex. Let him break up, and I still give him the power to change his mind even though he is the one that needs to think about some life changes!

 

Good luck on the NC, but it doesn't sound like you need it.

 

Reading your story makes me see mine in a better light because they sound similar. You're inspiring me to be stronger. Thank you

[Ruby Slippers]

Reading your story makes me see mine in a better light because they sound similar. You're inspiring me to be stronger. Thank you

This really made me smile, ScienceGal. Thank YOU!

 

I've always liked your posts, and you do remind me of myself in that you seem exceptionally caring, nurturing, and conscientious.

 

I totally worried about my guy, too, when contemplating breaking up with him. He's incredibly focused on his career, and just moved to a new city so doesn't have any friends outside work there. He's so serious and seems to be dying to just have some fun sometimes. I did love helping bust him out of his serious, grown-up routine and have some silly fun. I felt sad thinking about him being alone in the new place with no one to cheer him up, when I've got old friends in my city who love me and are there for me.

 

In spite of this, I know I have to put myself first right now and stick to my guns.

 

Be good to yourself, and good things will come

[tigressA]

I had a feeling this would be happening based on some of your other recent posts. Just came across this thread. I was holding out hope that it would work, but I really admire your decision-making process and the way you ended the relationship. Very kind, insightful, and firm. There is definitely someone out there for you who will treat you as you deserve, and you deserve the best.

 

((Hugs)) Ruby :love:

[cerridwen]

Gah! I didn't see this either, Ruby!

 

After reading your list of reasons to split, it was definitely the right thing to do.

Imagine a lifetime of enduring those differences.

Miserable!

 

Anyway, much business and love success to you in 2013, RS.

Keep truckin!

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks, y'all

 

He called again, and I ignored again.

 

I'm not feeling too broken up about it. I mean, sure, I miss him, and I'm sad about what could have been (*violins*) - but I'm feeling very grown-up and pragmatic about the whole thing.

 

Mostly I'm feeling ready for sufficient time to pass so I feel ready to start dating again. I've realized that the primary thing missing from my life before last year was fun with a man, and some semblance of romance. Nothing fires me up like that. Even if I had nothing but short-term involvements for the rest of my life, that's WAY more fun than being single and lonely. But I think I will do better than that.

 

And I feel pleased with myself for dating a guy that I never would have had the confidence to date when I was younger. It was scary as hell, but I did it, I didn't back down, and I only pulled out when it was clear it wasn't gonna work for me.

 

I'm really glad I didn't bail prematurely. I think that's what's making this breakup so relatively easy. Though I wanted to bail many times, I resisted that and saw it all the way through, and ended it calmly and fairly, without any anger or bitterness. My theory is that the right way to end a romantic relationship is peacefully, with emotional calmness. Because I did that, I don't feel that I'm carrying forward any unresolved baggage from this, which is pretty fantastic.

 

Memories from all along the way are coming back to me, and I'm thinking about some of the mistakes I made, which I've learned from and won't make again.

 

I'm also already letting go of my girlie fantasy that he'll "see the light" and win me over in the future. It's kind of fun to indulge in that a little, but again, I'm more grown-up and pragmatic now. If he was gonna do that, I'm pretty sure he'd have done it already.

 

I do wonder how he's doing and hope he's OK. But I know he's fine. If nothing else, he's tough as nails and can take care of himself.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, it only took 6 days for me to get to the tearful "nobody loves me and I'm gonna be alone forever" stage!

 

I'm finding it very hard to motivate myself right now. I'm not even motivated by how well my business is doing. I just feel like without love, none of it matters.

 

I know this is the sadness talking, and it's pretty normal. I just have to get through it.

 

I'm definitely not going back to the self-pitying state I was in a year or two ago. But it's OK to be sad and unmotivated for a little while.

[serial muse]

Hey Ruby,

 

I'm a little slow, but I just saw this - I just wanted to say that I think you handled the breakup really well - thoughtfully and kindly. Kudos to you; I'm sorry it didn't work out but I know the right guy is out there for you. And yes, I hope you give yourself permission to ride the rollercoaster for a bit; there's a long slow process of disengaging and it's only natural that you'll have setbacks.

[Emilia]

 

I'm definitely not going back to the self-pitying state I was in a year or two ago. But it's OK to be sad and unmotivated for a little while.

 

It sucks big time, I can completely relate to that. I think in some ways it's necessary to go through that process though. Perhaps that makes us all more careful about what choices we make, think it through rather than jump to break ups, etc

[Ruby Slippers]

I feel better today. Last night, I danced, played guitar, sang my guts out, and purged a lot of sadness out of me.

 

I'm realizing I have a lot to be grateful for. As for my ex, I'm very grateful that we were both so caring and kind, all the way through. In spite of how sad it has felt, our differences were nothing personal. Neither of us was trying to hurt anybody. In fact, we had some talks about what would come next for both of us if things didn't work out, and we were both very conscientious about making sure the other would be OK. We may not have had the fiery romantic love I wanted, but he was very loving in his own way.

 

Also, he didn't want to stop seeing me at all. He was a great guy who was very devoted and sincere. I wasn't rejected or treated badly in any way. I chose to move on because I wasn't getting what I wanted and felt he wasn't the right match. It took a lot of strength to move on from this great guy, but I did it because I felt it was right and we'd both be better off with a better match. In fact, one of the things that made it feel so important for me to move on is that I want to keep kicking butt in life and in my business, and I know I need a romantic partner who truly appreciates me and lights me up so I'm bringing my best. I want that for me, for him, for everybody, whether in work or romance, and that's a good thing!

 

A good friend I've been talking with about all the sad stuff offered to treat me to a massage, spa day, mani/pedi, or something similar, and I said YES and will be scheduling a massage pronto! For me, nothing soothes aches, pains, and tension like that.

 

I miss him a lot and wish it could have worked out. But I'm still very glad we met and gave it a shot. Even though it didn't work out, meeting him was a blessing in my life, and I'm thankful for it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Last night, it seemed like I dreamed about him all night! My dreams were revolving around his body, especially his hairy animal chest and stomach. I could NOT get the memory of the sight and feel of that out of my mind!

 

But I was staying over with some friends, and we had fun. I told them I'm considering a goal of lining up a date for Valentine's Day.

 

One of my friends said maybe my paths will cross with him again someday, you never know. I said the same thing to him that I told my ex when he suggested the same: "If it's meant to be, it will be. And if not, it won't."

 

I'm gradually getting my mojo back. What's nice is that my business is so busy right now that I naturally have a fair number of people circulating through my home office - assistant, contractors, business strategy lady. So they help keep me on my toes.

[realisticbound]

I feel better today. Last night, I danced, played guitar, sang my guts out, and purged a lot of sadness out of me.

 

I'm realizing I have a lot to be grateful for. As for my ex, I'm very grateful that we were both so caring and kind, all the way through. In spite of how sad it has felt, our differences were nothing personal. Neither of us was trying to hurt anybody. In fact, we had some talks about what would come next for both of us if things didn't work out, and we were both very conscientious about making sure the other would be OK. We may not have had the fiery romantic love I wanted, but he was very loving in his own way.

 

Also, he didn't want to stop seeing me at all. He was a great guy who was very devoted and sincere. I wasn't rejected or treated badly in any way. I chose to move on because I wasn't getting what I wanted and felt he wasn't the right match. It took a lot of strength to move on from this great guy, but I did it because I felt it was right and we'd both be better off with a better match. In fact, one of the things that made it feel so important for me to move on is that I want to keep kicking butt in life and in my business, and I know I need a romantic partner who truly appreciates me and lights me up so I'm bringing my best. I want that for me, for him, for everybody, whether in work or romance, and that's a good thing!

 

A good friend I've been talking with about all the sad stuff offered to treat me to a massage, spa day, mani/pedi, or something similar, and I said YES and will be scheduling a massage pronto! For me, nothing soothes aches, pains, and tension like that.

 

I miss him a lot and wish it could have worked out. But I'm still very glad we met and gave it a shot. Even though it didn't work out, meeting him was a blessing in my life, and I'm thankful for it.

 

You would have been settling and it takes a strong person to be able to not do that with a guy with a lot of great qualities on paper. You should be very proud of yourself.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's been 11 days, and I'm holding up OK. I still miss him, and I do still have a little fantasy that once the month of NC is over, he'll make a valiant go at winning me back. But I've always been sentimental and emotional. I can carry a tiny flame for someone I really cared about for years, just a little romantic thought that pops up in my head sometimes. But I won't let that stop me from moving on.

 

I'm preparing myself never to hear from him again. If he makes the effort to be friends, we'll see. If not, that's that.

 

Last night I dreamed of having good sex with someone else, a particular variety of sex that he was all particular and weird about, and which I really missed. So that tells me my psyche is at least trying to move on and focus on the positives of moving on, which is a good thing. The dream was kinda jumbled and complex, but I was trying to make sense of things and enjoy myself. That's life, huh?!

Edited January 14, 2013 by Ruby Slippers