I broke up with the conservative guy

[cavalier99]

Its all cool. I can tell you very respected on this forum and from what I've read you express your self beautifully and have you sh*t together and it is obvious you have anlot of good relationship experience to draw on.

 

I figured i play a little devils advocate with you. Just keep in mind your decision to breakup wasn't easy or from 1 day to the next. And his lack of expressing emotion isn't likely to change any time soon. So the fact that you miss him doesn't change the fundamental issue at the root of the BU.

 

Also keep in mind however strong he may seem if he hasn't had a lot of experience in relationships this could be pummeling him hard.

 

I guess my point is friendship could be in the cards. Also trying with him again. But either doesn't seem like a good choice in the near term. Rock on! Cav

 

Glad to here you are doing well!!

Edited February 25, 2013 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

.

I think you really haven't dated that much and seems to me if you can see him as being a friend so soon your aren't sufficiently in love with him to waste any more time on the guy.

.

 

Just wanted to clarify. When I said "you havent dated much" I was referring to since the BU. I think it is great if you start dating more to see if there is someone more compatible for you out there. Also to flesh out if you still have strong feelings for him after some time on the dating circuit.

[Ruby Slippers]

Its all cool. I can tell you very respected on this forum and from what I've read you express your self beautifully and have you sh*t together and it is obvious you have anlot of good relationship experience to draw on.

Thanks!

 

I figured i play a little devils advocate with you. Just keep in mind your decision to breakup wasn't easy or from 1 day to the next. And his lack of expressing emotion isn't likely to change any time soon. So the fact that you miss him doesn't change the fundamental issue at the root of the BU.

I hear you. I know he hasn't changed, and neither have I. I know that you have to accept someone as they are. That's really what love is - in romantic or friendship form.

 

Also keep in mind however strong he may seem if he hasn't had a lot of experience in relationships this could be pummeling him hard.

I'm sure it pummeled both of us hard. I have more experience with heartbreak, and more friends and support in my immediate vicinity, so it was likely less traumatic for me.

 

I guess my point is friendship could be in the cards. Also trying with him again. But either doesn't seem like a good choice in the near term. Rock on! Cav

Well, given what a lift our little bit of small talk gave me, I can't see how it's a bad thing. I'm not putting anything on hold, or holding out for anything from him.

 

I'm glad that this guy who was so important to me is now at least a distant friend, and not an enemy or stranger.

[Ruby Slippers]

I've had a few days to come back down to reality. Man, I really loved this guy! And I guess if I'm honest I have to admit that I still do, in some way. Why would I have gotten so excited to hear from him otherwise? The second I heard from him, it was like someone turned the sun on full blast inside my body. I felt like I could do anything, and was in love with the whole world

 

I hadn't felt like that in a long, long time. In spite of how out of control and in the hands of fate it makes me feel, it's a good feeling!

 

But I quickly realized that my feelings for him were never the problem - and they're not the solution.

 

I feel very good about how I've responded to this. All I did was return his pleasant small talk, let him know it was good to hear from him. It's clear there are no hard feelings, and I'm glad about that.

 

My heart was quite literally pounding for more to unfold - but my brain calmed me down, and insisted I focus on the good and stay busy with work and life. That's what I'm doing.

 

I appreciate all the good commentary and advice

[Mack05]

I've had a few days to come back down to reality. Man, I really loved this guy! And I guess if I'm honest I have to admit that I still do, in some way. Why would I have gotten so excited to hear from him otherwise? The second I heard from him, it was like someone turned the sun on full blast inside my body. I felt like I could do anything, and was in love with the whole world

 

I hadn't felt like that in a long, long time. In spite of how out of control and in the hands of fate it makes me feel, it's a good feeling!

 

But I quickly realized that my feelings for him were never the problem - and they're not the solution.

 

I feel very good about how I've responded to this. All I did was return his pleasant small talk, let him know it was good to hear from him. It's clear there are no hard feelings, and I'm glad about that.

 

My heart was quite literally pounding for more to unfold - but my brain calmed me down, and insisted I focus on the good and stay busy with work and life. That's what I'm doing.

 

I appreciate all the good commentary and advice

 

Ruby it is you that should be advising us. I would kill for a woman with your maturity and class. Your ex recognises this too. He seems like a good guy. It's great to see the maturity both have showed in the breakup cause I can almost guarantee you if you stayed, you would have flogged that horse to death and any goodwill would have turned into resentment.

 

Now its back to the hard bit. Back to being single and 'afraid'. Just keep doing what you are doing. It's going to happen..

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, a week after the texts, he called today. We talked for half an hour and caught up. It was very pleasant, and we were both laughing a lot.

 

He said he wanted to call me after the texts last week, but felt sad about things, so thought he should wait. I said I was happy to hear from him and wanted to talk to him, too.

 

He said he might be in town for work next weekend - but won't know for sure for a few days - and asked if I'd like to meet for coffee if he does come to town. I agreed, and he said he'll let me know once he gets word.

 

I'd be lying if I didn't tell y'all that I'd love to see him

[Ruby Slippers]

The meeting for work was cancelled, so he didn't come to town. It was a bummer, but we agreed if he has another reason to be here, we'll get together then.

 

I was pleased that I didn't have an emotional reaction. My only real reaction was to think: OK, second chance thing probably not gonna happen - time to get ready to date others.

 

Also, a little while back, I broke it off with that guy I dated a few times around Valentine's, as I just wasn't feeling it for him and didn't see it going anywhere. He was totally cool about it, which was nice.

 

I've been feeling kind of in a rut lately - just working all the time, getting tired of winter. But spring is right around the corner, and I'm firing myself up to date again. I'm sure spring fever will help.

[Ruby Slippers]

He called again tonight. He told me he wants a second chance. We talked for 2 1/2 hours about absolutely everything, leaving no subject unturned. He wanted to keep talking, but I said that was long enough, and we should catch our breath and think about whether we really want to do this, and how best to proceed.

 

I was honest about my feelings but didn't waver on where I stand, what was problematic for me, what will need to be addressed and resolved if we're to give it another go.

 

As a next step, he wants to come to town next weekend and spend a day with me to keep talking things through.

 

I knew this was going to happen, and I knew this is how it was going to happen.

 

I wanted to update anyone reading the thread, but moving forward, I think I'm going to refrain from posting about this too much here. I can talk to my friends about anything, and that will be the best place to talk through any issues that come up.

 

Thanks again for all the support and good ideas

[iouaname]

Best of luck, Ruby! You have a good head on your shoulders!

[Anela]

I hope it works out. I understand not posting about it that much. Good luck!

[Ruby Slippers]

He's coming to spend the day here Saturday. We both sound very happy and excited about it. He said, "You're right. When you focus hard on what you want, you can usually make it happen."

 

No guarantees of course, but come what may, I'm very happy about seeing him again

[CarrieT]

Keeping my fingers crossed for you, RS!

[Eternal Sunshine]

You so deserve this happiness Ruby! Hope he ends up being The One. My romantic side coming out

[Mack05]

Great thread. Ruby very brave of you to leave. It's something I have not been able to do in the past. I am (in general) a conservative guy. I have had relationships with Liberal girls. Their attitude towards sex, religion, relationship boundaries, relationship dynamics were very different to mine.

 

In truth I wanted them to see things from my perspective. Sometimes I might have even wanted to change them. I know how dumb that is now. Sadly I flogged some of these relationships to death and some of my ex's think little of me (which I actually understand).

 

The main thing here is wheter you are conservative, liberal or anything in between, no one is 'wrong'. It's just the way you view the world. The biggest lessons I have learnt is if you don't have the same fundamental standards/morals/views/etc a relationship will simply not work. It's like hammering two pieces of jigsaw that simply don't fit.

 

I'd rather have same views/morals etc, then have things in common (sports, traveling etc). I think you can find a 'middle' easier, if you view things in the same way. Also if you ever want to change someone, you're with the wrong person. Everyone deserves a person who loves them warts and all.

 

I commend your courage Ruby. I wish I had followed your fantastic example. Sure it wouldn't change the relationship outcome, but I might have some ex's who I didn't hurt as much and who respected me. By enduring short term pain you are ensuring long term happiness..

 

Ruby and other posters please feel free to bash me for saying what I am about to say...

 

I don't understand what all of a sudden has changed? In my opinion for a relationship to work you have to have the same core values and the same views on many things as I referenced above. To me this just looks like two lonely people trying to make another go of things.

 

Many times couples will promise to change this and change that to try steer the ship in the right direction, only to be either met by the same problems or encounter a whole bunch of new one's.

 

I said above by enduring short term pain you are ensuring long term happiness, now it seems you will gain short term happiness and long term pain. I hope I am wrong, but I really fail to see what has changed with regarding the relationship dynamics.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you all for the good wishes. I find them very touching and sweet

 

Mack, I appreciate your points, too. Believe me, I've asked myself all those questions and more, and discussed them with all my closest friends and gotten their input.

 

When we had that big talk last weekend, after having a little catch-up talk about what's going on in general, the first thing he said was: "Do you miss me? Because I miss you all the time and always want you with me." He told me he watches this video he shot of me all the time, and mentioned this kinda cheesy but sweet love song that's playing in it. I told him I watch the video of him sometimes, too.

 

I said it's sweet that he misses me, and I was open about missing him as well, but said just missing somebody isn't reason enough to get back together. If you miss having company, you can have that with just about anybody.

 

He said it's not that - he's aware that women like him a lot and it's easy for him to get dates. Also, we live 5 hours apart now, so if he just wanted company and somebody to fill space, that would be very easy to get in a much more convenient way. He said he wouldn't be with someone he didn't really want to be with, he's looking for a connection on all levels, and in spite of our differences, we have that. He said he also felt an immediate powerful connection with me that hasn't faded.

 

Then he asked me what the main reason I broke up with him was. I said I was crazy about him, but it didn't seem like he felt the same way, so it felt like a dead end. I said he's a fantastic guy, he has everything he needs to find a woman he's over the moon about, and he should go for it. I said none of this is personal, and even though I have strong feelings for him, I'm not attached to him being mine, or any particular outcome. I can accept whatever the realities are, and I won't just cut him out of my life - I'll be his friend and support him however I can in making his dream life happen. (And that's real love to me. Whether he's with me or not, I think he's a wonderful guy and I wish nothing but the very best in life for him.)

 

He said again that he has very strong feelings for me, and feels a strong connection that hasn't faded. He said, "Why would I talk about the future, marriage, kids, religion, and all these big things with you if I didn't have strong feelings for you?" I said you can't assume anything about feelings. It's true that his actions were very "serious", but the words matter, too. He has to express them to some degree, and respect that I'm a romantic and need that sweetness to feel secure and invested.

 

He said we had a lot of passion, but he thinks I have an idealized idea of the perfect man, the perfect relationship, and that is unattainable. He said he thinks we complicate things by seeking perfection in everything, rather than enjoying the good things we have and making them work.

 

Honestly, for as much as I felt compelled to be stubborn and argue, this sounded pretty spot on to me. Even one of my closest and smartest friends has told me the same. A few people on this forum even commented that I seem to paint things with him as absolutely wonderful, or hopeless and never going to work, with not much in between. I recognize this pattern in my romantic relationships. I guess it's fears and doubts that drive me to the doomsday places. I know I can be all or nothing - and that attitude doesn't work for a lasting relationship.

 

It seems like he's the only guy I've been with who's smart and attentive enough to identify my hangups and comment on them in a calm, fair way, and be patient with me as I face them and move past them.

 

I was much more critical and demanding of him than he ever was of me, always getting so emotional and trying to mold him into my ideal. He did a much better job of accepting me as I am.

 

We know we have some differences - but what was great about his visit yesterday is that we met up fully aware of them this time. I know it was just one day, but it felt like we were much more respectful of the other's point of view than we were before. Last time, I think we were trying to strong-arm each other into doing things our way. This time, there was none of that energy. In fact, we were very gracious with each other, the whole day.

 

I could go on and on, but what it boils down to is that I think we have a real shot at a fantastic relationship, and I think it's worth my while to give it another chance. I'm not making decisions out of fear or loneliness or anything like that. All the energy right now feels positive, caring, loving, and healthy.

 

I know we are opposites in some ways - but opposites attract. I just may have met my match.

[Ruby Slippers]

We talked for over 2 hours again tonight. He's coming back to town this weekend, and is already trying to plan our visits for the immediate future, and how we're going to spend more time together gradually. He's revisited all the big subjects, but this time it feels dreamy, yet still pragmatic and realistic.

 

He was being a total sap tonight! I think he's finally starting to release his iron grip on himself, and now the expression is just flowing like a river. He agreed with me that we were both afraid the other just didn't like us that much. He said that today he told everyone at work and his best friend that we're back together, and they were all very happy for him.

 

I was talking to him about how I'm a big visionary dreamer, and I like to think big. He said, "So, am I the big fish, or the half fish?" And I said, "Oh yes, you're definitely the big fish." He said, "You're the big fish, too."

 

He said many wonderful things, all of which have been building since we started talking again, but this sums it up: "I really want this to work out for us, and I think it's going to." Somehow, I know it's going to. But even if it doesn't, I know I'll be just fine.

[CarrieT]

Ruby, it has been a few weeks....

 

Hoping for an update and some positive news!

[Ruby Slippers]

Everything is going very well. Sometimes I think I should start a new thread, since the breakup is over - but this one has a good storybook quality, so I'll keep it going here.

 

I visited him in his city this weekend Thurs-Sun. Though it flew by as always, it felt much longer than our usual quick Fri-Sun visit. We went sightseeing and hiking, and it was totally gorgeous. We laid in the grass for an hour and talked. We hiked down to a raging waterfall, sat on the rocks, and talked some more. The weekend was full of a lot of fun, and serious conversation. Even though it was just a short time, it felt like we went on this big fun vacation together.

 

In total agreement with the Virgo male description - which I haven't really even discussed with him yet - he told me that the reason he hasn't said I love you yet is that to him, those words communicate a lifetime commitment. He said that once he tells me that, he will be committed to loving me for life, come what may - so he's not going to say it lightly, and he'll only say it when everything is aligned emotionally and practically. He reiterated that he has stronger feelings for me than he's ever had for anyone, he thinks about me all the time, he sees us together in the distant future, and he thinks we can have a very happy, productive, prosperous life together. We agree we are different but complementary, and we help each other get over our fears and issues and bring out each other's best.

 

He's told me he's unhappy with the new job, but he's now done enough in his position that he feels free and clear to move on. So he's been looking for a new and better job, focusing in my city. He hasn't had any good leads here yet, but he's had 5 interviews for a really good position in San Francisco, and asked me if I'll move with him there if he gets the job, or wherever he needs to go for work. He's always had the primary life goal of providing for his family, he makes more than I do, and I can be totally mobile with my business, so I said I'm open to considering that, depending on how things progress with us. I'm doing a good job of being open to the possibilities, but not getting pressured into something that's not good for me, too. He said of course we'll make sure that anything we do together or move we make is good for both of us.

 

He's made it very clear he's not interested in dating indefinitely, wants to get married and have a family, and has always been considering us in those terms. He's already talking about the logistics of how it will happen - meeting each other's parents, how we'll raise our kids, lifetime goals. We agree we want to take some trips and meet each other's close friends, and then eventually each other's parents. His current company is extremely demanding and stingy about time off - but he's working hard to find something better.

 

After a lot of good conversation over the weekend, he even brought up a few points which were kind of nagging me in the back of my mind - things that left some lingering sadness, but which I didn't think were important enough to bring up. My thinking is that happy memories will eventually replace some sad ones. But he brought these things up - a few little things that have been in the back of my mind for months, but which I never even mentioned to him. He proactively addressed and resolved the worry, without me even asking. I've always felt he has this ability to practically read my mind. I think it's just his smarts and highly analytical nature. He can deduce a great deal from just a few data points. In fact, this is what he's made a good career out of.

 

We talked about so many things. For one, he told me he's worried about his ability to satisfy me sexually, because I have a high drive and he's not sure he can keep up. He agreed I've relaxed my high expectations a lot this time around, and he said he thinks he just needs to start working out and get in better shape again. He's been so busy with his new job that he hasn't had time for much beyond work. And then last night when I was back home and we talked on the phone, he told me he did a short starter workout last night. After that active weekend, on a lazy Sunday evening while I was at home drinking cocktails, relaxing, and having pizza with a friend who came over, he was working out with the specific goal of being a better lover for me. Wow

 

I recognize my tendency to focus on the few little weak points I see here and there. I've even been doing it today - telling myself stories about why it's not going to work out. But one of the reasons I'm being totally transparent with my good friends about EVERYTHING that's going on is that I want them to challenge me on my BS if I get dramatic and try to come up with foolish reasons to sabotage and disengage.

 

Truly, I believe this man is it. I'm taking the time to figure out whether that is true - but it does just keep looking better. That's both exhilarating and scary.

[GorillaTheater]

Wishing you the best, Ruby.

[CarrieT]

truly, i believe this man is it. I'm taking the time to figure out whether that is true - but it does just keep looking better. That's both exhilarating and scary.

 

 

wooooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!!!!! :d:d

[Babolat]

Hi Ruby, I am coming in late here....

 

What changed with conseervative guy and you using pot and some of the other things he frowned on?

 

I ask, as my ex, free spirit girl, recently contacted me, we met, she states is not drinking as much as when we were together and she now understands what she was doing and why when we were together (I did not ask her what she meant). It was very nice to see her, we talked for and that "connection" came back yet I can't go there again with her.

 

Your story is encouraging though as her and I do have a connection and I certainly felt that again being with her.

 

I am just wondering what changed for your conservative guy as you are still who you are, and I recall him having issues with that.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey, Babolat. We have agreed that the connection and our feelings motivate us to accept each other's differences and learn to appreciate them, rather than judge and try to change each other. We're working on inspiring each other to grow through positive influence and care, rather than criticism and fear.

 

The first time around, I feel that I was more willing to bend and adapt to him. He's a strong leader and has a strong will with everybody and everything. But I was also much more critical of his differences. I'm just more expressive and malleable in general. He's the strong, stoic rock.

 

This time, he's adapting more, and I've adjusted my focus from what's different and scary to what's complementary and feels good. We're both learning that taking off the pressure and expectations of the other person gives us room to willingly adapt and harmonize. This energy is much more positive and fun.

 

He asks questions about my weed use - I think he's mainly trying to gauge my willingness to reduce my usage long term. Since we both want to start a family in the not-too-distant future, we've even discussed our views on how kids and recreational drug use mix. My stance is that I won't partake at all while trying to conceive, breastfeeding, etc. - and I'm sure this goes for other substances, too, like caffeine - and then beyond then will occasionally partake during adult time. He seems fine with that, and even told me he wants to smoke with me one day, and also try mushrooms. He's not always as conservative as he seems He already tried it with me in December, but he ate it since he didn't want to inhale the smoke. He had a good time, and said it definitely helped him feel less inhibited and more relaxed.

 

I've cut down on my usage, since I pretty much never smoke with him and am naturally spending more time with him now. I don't miss it when it's gone. But I always miss him when he's gone

 

One of my toker friends told me the other day that I've "changed". I have definitely felt a subtle pull from a couple of toker friends not to cut back - but I do what I want to do and don't worry about their opinions. I think it's kinda sad that they can't just respect my decisions without judgment - but I just let it slide and do what I want to do and what I think is best for me.

[TheVillageMisfit]

Hey Ruby, appreciate your story.

 

How long did it take you to go from break up mode (this is best for me) to miss him mode (I hope to hear from him)? Also did he ever beg for you back initially?

[Babolat]

Hey, Babolat. We have agreed that the connection and our feelings motivate us to accept each other's differences and learn to appreciate them, rather than judge and try to change each other. We're working on inspiring each other to grow through positive influence and care, rather than criticism and fear.

 

The first time around, I feel that I was more willing to bend and adapt to him. He's a strong leader and has a strong will with everybody and everything. But I was also much more critical of his differences. I'm just more expressive and malleable in general. He's the strong, stoic rock.

 

This time, he's adapting more, and I've adjusted my focus from what's different and scary to what's complementary and feels good. We're both learning that taking off the pressure and expectations of the other person gives us room to willingly adapt and harmonize. This energy is much more positive and fun.

 

He asks questions about my weed use - I think he's mainly trying to gauge my willingness to reduce my usage long term. Since we both want to start a family in the not-too-distant future, we've even discussed our views on how kids and recreational drug use mix. My stance is that I won't partake at all while trying to conceive, breastfeeding, etc. - and I'm sure this goes for other substances, too, like caffeine - and then beyond then will occasionally partake during adult time. He seems fine with that, and even told me he wants to smoke with me one day, and also try mushrooms. He's not always as conservative as he seems He already tried it with me in December, but he ate it since he didn't want to inhale the smoke. He had a good time, and said it definitely helped him feel less inhibited and more relaxed.

 

I've cut down on my usage, since I pretty much never smoke with him and am naturally spending more time with him now. I don't miss it when it's gone. But I always miss him when he's gone

 

One of my toker friends told me the other day that I've "changed". I have definitely felt a subtle pull from a couple of toker friends not to cut back - but I do what I want to do and don't worry about their opinions. I think it's kinda sad that they can't just respect my decisions without judgment - but I just let it slide and do what I want to do and what I think is best for me.

 

When I talked in person with my ex she volunteered she is not drinking near as much as she was when we were dating, that in fact she is hardly drinking at all. I did not ask why.

 

I too told her when we were dating I wanted to try pot again (I tried it when I was younger) and I felt the desire to get "liberated" and high with her. My work place does random drug testing so I never did. Now that we are apart I realize I really do not want that at all...it was me living in the moment in the relationship.

 

You are a good person, a rare in in this world, just make sure what he says he is truly feeling. He sounds A LOT like me. Seeing her yesterday and reading your post here, all about the same time, has me thinking. In fact she asked for my opinion on something yesterday. stating I was pretty much the only person in her life she could talk too for good advice, that I grounded her. The difference in your relationship and mine, is I was the one bending and changing and she never really did.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

Hey Ruby, appreciate your story.

 

How long did it take you to go from break up mode (this is best for me) to miss him mode (I hope to hear from him)? Also did he ever beg for you back initially?

I didn't want to break up with him. I never stopped hoping to hear from him. And when I did hear from him, my heart was exploding out of my chest in joy - that told me something!

 

He never begged. In fact, he told me later that he wanted to call me sooner than he did, as soon as the no contact month was up, but he was angry and hurt because - as he put it - I cut him out of my life so easily. He said he wasn't going to beg. And I didn't expect or want that from him. He has his pride, and begging is doormat behavior. He's about as far from doormat as you can get. He just told me how he felt, asked how I felt, and asked to see me again and discuss a second chance.

 

I too told her when we were dating I wanted to try pot again (I tried it when I was younger) and I felt the desire to get "liberated" and high with her. My work place does random drug testing so I never did. Now that we are apart I realize I really do not want that at all...it was me living in the moment in the relationship.

He's never had alcohol or drugs (except for the tiny bit of weed he tried with me), but says he's been curious about the softer drugs (weed and mushrooms) for a long time. He asks a lot of questions about it and is clearly very curious, but I have never pushed it or even offered it to him. Though I enjoy partaking, I don't think you should ever push those things on anyone. He knows it's here if he wants it, and he'll ask for it when he's ready.

 

You are a good person, a rare in in this world, just make sure what he says he is truly feeling. He sounds A LOT like me.

Thanks One thing I really love about him is that he definitely doesn't do any fluffy sweet talk that he's not feeling. I'm a total romantic and love sweet talk - but I only want it if it's genuine. When it comes to emotional expression, he's definitely more reserved - but when he says something, anything, you can count on it without fail.

 

Today on the phone, he said, "You're the most important person in the world to me." And I know he meant it. Everything he's been doing backs that up. I also know that now that he feels this way, I'd have to screw up big time for that to change. And I won't

 

The difference in your relationship and mine, is I was the one bending and changing and she never really did.

If you do give it another go with her, my advice is to make it clear that you'll both need to adapt and find a place of harmony. That was the main point I made when he brought up a second chance. I emphasized that I'm not some submissive girl who's just going to do whatever he wants, and if he wants that, he can move along and find that easily - but I know he'd be bored and uninspired with that, and he agrees. I said I'm happy to adapt on the things that are most important to him, and he's going to have to willingly do the same for me. So far, he's done better than I expected.

 

I've truly never been with a man who I feel will be such a wonderful husband and father - provided the feelings are there and he's motivated to make it work, which seems to be the case. I also think we have what it takes to bring out each other's best. We agree we can have a terrific life together. We've already gotten started. He's working in a gorgeous natural location for work right now, and I'm going to visit him in 2 days for a long weekend. I cannot wait