I broke up with the conservative guy

[Babolat]

 

If you do give it another go with her, my advice is to make it clear that you'll both need to adapt and find a place of harmony. That was the main point I made when he brought up a second chance. I emphasized that I'm not some submissive girl who's just going to do whatever he wants, and if he wants that, he can move along and find that easily - but I know he'd be bored and uninspired with that, and he agrees. I said I'm happy to adapt on the things that are most important to him, and he's going to have to willingly do the same for me. So far, he's done better than I expected.

 

I've truly never been with a man who I feel will be such a wonderful husband and father - provided the feelings are there and he's motivated to make it work, which seems to be the case. I also think we have what it takes to bring out each other's best. We agree we can have a terrific life together. We've already gotten started. He's working in a gorgeous natural location for work right now, and I'm going to visit him in 2 days for a long weekend. I cannot wait

 

I never asked her to change, or adapt. She would tell me she wants to change when we talked about her drinking and partying. She would follow that up with "I will change when I want to, but not because you want me to." Which I agreed with. I di dnot want her to change for me; she had/has to change for her.

 

Your bored and uninspired comment struck a chord with me. I miss her free spirit, her carefree side, and what she brought out of me. I just wish there was a balance.

Edited May 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

I just wish there was a balance.

If both people are committed, you can find a balance. And I find that when you fully respect a person's resistance to something and don't push them, the resistance often melts away. That keeps happening with us.

 

I very much appreciate his grounding influence in my life, and it's clear he appreciates my freeing influence. For us, the key is to step into the other's world for a while, and naturally let our time together flow between the two worlds.

 

He has a very strong hand, and I'm generally more go with the flow, so I have to be careful not to let his preferences drive everything. I have to stay on my toes and stand up for what I want, too. And he's learning to be more gracious and consider what I want as well. We're definitely taking the emphasis off what we want individually, and putting it on how we can enjoy ourselves together. The end result is we both get more of what we want, and our few conflicts this time have been drama-free and productive.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yesterday on the phone, for the first time, he said I love you

 

He said he's been feeling it for some time, but hesitated to say it because he worried I wouldn't say it back. But I felt it, too, and I did say it back. I didn't say it for the same kinds of reasons.

 

He also said he was worried that he was going to tear up when he said it, and then he did. But he sounded happy.

 

The day before, he told me that while he supports my business and will always help in any way he can, he doesn't care whether I make money or not, and will always take care of me and our family. He said he'll take care of me if I get sick or hurt, and if I get old and weak first, and he hopes I feel the same way. I do.

 

We've openly discussed that in the time ahead, we'll keep having serious talks and decide if we're a good match for marriage. It's certainly looking that way. He's hinting that I move in with him, or at least spend as much time as I can at his place, until he finds a job in my city again - he's been applying here. But he understands that I want to do things smoothly and not take any hasty leaps. I'm pretty sure I don't want to move in together until marriage. He suggested we move in once we get engaged. We'll see

 

The day I met him, I had a very strong feeling that he was the one, or at least someone very special and important in my life, and that feeling is only getting stronger. Things are just getting better all the time, and he's been amazing. I feel very blessed and very happy

[Ruby Slippers]

Our pattern is to have fun while we're together, then serious talks on the phone after our visits.

 

Last night, he brought up again the fact that the distance and travel are getting old, said he wants us to be together every day, and discussed several options for how we can move forward. He said if he had his way, I'd move in with him right now, and soon we'd get married. But he understands why I want to do things more gradually and sensibly. It would be a bad move for my business to live in his city, since it's a much less favorable environment for the kind of work I do. And even though he says he'd be happy to be the breadwinner and provide for both of us even before we have kids, and can do that right now, I think it would be foolish to get into that situation prematurely.

 

He's looking for a better job in my city, but that takes time. He had a few solid, well-thought-out ideas for what we can do next, from conservative to risky, and we discussed each of them in detail. I can see his mind is working hard on this problem now. He's going into super-analytical mode

 

Then we had more serious discussion about all kinds of things - religion/faith and how it will work in our family, philosophy on food/cooking for a family, our parents when they get old, our different kinds of friends, social time and how we like to spend it, career and money views, marriage as an equal partnership.

 

This is all very exciting and inspiring

[Ruby Slippers]

Continuing a discussion from a thread I didn't want to derail...

 

Things have been going very well overall. He came right out and told me that if he had his way, I'd move in with him right now and we'd get married when we're ready. He's getting concrete about a plan for introducing me to his parents. He said he supports my career, but doesn't care if I make money at all, and will support me and our family for life.

 

Then he totally fumbled on our 1-year anniversary last weekend. I tried to understand that it wasn't personal and it's just his nature not to care about these matters - but my emotions overpowered my logic and right now I feel so let down and disappointed that I don't even want to talk to him. The hard part is that he doesn't seem to understand why it was so hurtful to me, doesn't get that I want him to understand and apologize, seems to want me to just take it in stride and move on.

 

I hear what you're saying - but we've discussed that we have a very strong pull toward each other, and were very unhappy and sad the whole time we were apart. It seems to be a can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em thing. This guy dominates my dreams and thoughts like some ghost haunting me, and he tells me the same thing. From the first few weeks we were together, we'd sleep in the same bed and have all these powerful symbolic dreams about mingling with each other's histories, families, memories.

 

In discussing that maybe we just aren't a match, he said splitting up isn't an option, because he couldn't get me out of his head when we were apart - and I felt the same way. He's also come right out and said "train me", "teach me what you want", "demand that I do it" - and I'm trying very hard. I also recognize the weight of those words, because he's a dominating control freak who doesn't let anybody tell him what to do.

 

Last weekend after our fight, he was trying to fix it with makeup sex, and said, "Submit to me." I resisted him (not easy), and said, "You haven't earned that."

[KungFuJoe]

Continuing a discussion from a thread I didn't want to derail...

 

Things have been going very well overall. He came right out and told me that if he had his way, I'd move in with him right now and we'd get married when we're ready. He's getting concrete about a plan for introducing me to his parents. He said he supports my career, but doesn't care if I make money at all, and will support me and our family for life.

 

Then he totally fumbled on our 1-year anniversary last weekend. I tried to understand that it wasn't personal and it's just his nature not to care about these matters - but my emotions overpowered my logic and right now I feel so let down and disappointed that I don't even want to talk to him. The hard part is that he doesn't seem to understand why it was so hurtful to me, doesn't get that I want him to understand and apologize, seems to want me to just take it in stride and move on.

 

I hear what you're saying - but we've discussed that we have a very strong pull toward each other, and were very unhappy and sad the whole time we were apart. It seems to be a can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em thing. This guy dominates my dreams and thoughts like some ghost haunting me, and he tells me the same thing. From the first few weeks we were together, we'd sleep in the same bed and have all these powerful symbolic dreams about mingling with each other's histories, families, memories.

 

In discussing that maybe we just aren't a match, he said splitting up isn't an option, because he couldn't get me out of his head when we were apart - and I felt the same way. He's also come right out and said "train me", "teach me what you want", "demand that I do it" - and I'm trying very hard. I also recognize the weight of those words, because he's a dominating control freak who doesn't let anybody tell him what to do.

 

Last weekend after our fight, he was trying to fix it with makeup sex, and said, "Submit to me." I resisted him (not easy), and said, "You haven't earned that."

 

You're in a very tough situation...one that I can somewhat relate to, though not on the level you have it.

 

Although there is no such thing as the absolutely perfect relationship (in that there is no person out there that will be every single thing you want in every single way), you have to know what your "limits" are.

 

I think we are in somewhat similar situations. We both seem to be very expressive (and emotional) people. We are open with how we feel and have no problem openly discussing them. The problem you have is that your man isn't quite as open but also seems to have difficulty understanding your emotion.

 

My wife is somewhat similar in that she's not as emotional as I am and a lot less expressive. When we have a fight or disagreement...I feel like I have to argue for the both of us...if that makes sense. I find a lot of times, she just sits there and says nothing after I've said a thousand words to her and I'm like, "I just gave you a speech and you have NOTHING to say?". It can get pretty frustrating. We've been together for almost 14 years and though she hasn't gotten a bit better at expressing her feelings, she will NEVER be as expressive as I want her to be (hence why I said "people don't change").

 

Here's the thing though and the main reason for my concern about your relationship. My wife never "hurts" me. She may not do things exactly the way I want her to and she might do something that angers me, but she never does anything that hurts. And I think that's what gets you...is the part where he hurts you and he doesn't realize it.

 

I guess it comes down to what you are willing to put up with. I can handle my wife's lack of expressiveness (she's just not good with confrontation, and says that she THINKS of things to say, but just can't put them into words) because I know that I can't expect anyone to be as outward as I am (I have OCD that makes it nearly impossible for me to hold things in as I will ruminate until I go nuts). But what are you willing to put up with? Hurt is a big deal, imo...especially when the other person is completely unaware of what he/she did that hurt you.

 

To put it bluntly...and of course this is easy for me to say being on the outside...I would break it off and keep looking if I were you.

[Ruby Slippers]

Here's the thing though and the main reason for my concern about your relationship. My wife never "hurts" me. She may not do things exactly the way I want her to and she might do something that angers me, but she never does anything that hurts. And I think that's what gets you...is the part where he hurts you and he doesn't realize it.

The strange thing is that he recently told me he's also "very sensitive" (like me), and when I bring up problems, he gets scared I'm going to dump him again and feels very sad. He gets hurt, too, and I never mean to hurt him.

 

I don't think he's ever hurt me on purpose. He's just clueless. Due to conservative religious upbringing and holding out on sex for a long time, he doesn't have much relationship experience - this is the longest, most serious relationship he's been in. We've discussed, with humor, how men are stupid and women are crazy, and it's men's cluelessness that drives women crazy. So when he finally does get what's upsetting me, he usually concludes that he's being stupid/clueless, but he's not doing it on purpose. I talked to my older neighbor about this the other night - a woman with far more experience with men than I have - and she sighed and said, "Men are so stupid. But I think they really can't help it." And yes, she admits that women, including her, can be "crazy". I will agree with that as well!

 

But what are you willing to put up with? Hurt is a big deal, imo...especially when the other person is completely unaware of what he/she did that hurt you.

 

To put it bluntly...and of course this is easy for me to say being on the outside...I would break it off and keep looking if I were you.

And that's what I'm back to asking myself and thinking about.

 

The thing is, he openly admits he needs a lot of "man training" and is pretty clueless about women and our emotional needs and feelings. I have no problem teaching him - up until the anniversary blowout, I was doing just that, in a positive, fun way that was lighting both of us up. He's come VERY far from where we started. The other night, I told him I didn't feel like talking, and he texted, "Not talking will not solve anything. Talk to me. Talking has made me come a long way."

 

I posted a thread in the sex forum some time ago about our differences there - and while many people on this forum, including you, advised me to dump him because it was a dead end - we've made HUGE progress in the sexual realm. Though he has shown a lot of resistance to certain new ideas, once he finally lets go and tries them, pretty much every time, he raves afterward about how hot it was. After giving him a bunch of pointers a few weeks back, though he fought them and said I was being demanding, he tried 75% of them that night, and it was possibly the best sex we've had so far. Afterward, he was like, "Now THAT'S good sex! It was SO HOT and NATURAL!" And I'm there on the pillow thinking, "Uh, yeah - I TOLD YOU." But I just smiled and praised him again for being a champ. (Later, I said "I told you so" and told him he has to quit fighting with me when I'm trying to do something to improve things for both of us - and he also needs to give me some credit for having the courage to put this **** on the table, cuz it's not easy.)

 

My biggest worry about "training" an inexperienced guy is that it won't work out, he'll go use the "training" on some other girl, and I'll be left feeling resentful that my "investment" didn't yield a return. But one of his best qualities is that he's intensely loyal, and him leaving me for someone else is just not a worry anymore. He responds very positively to increasing commitment. Every time I reveal something more personal and serious, he immediately responds by getting closer and sweeter.

 

But we just had a big fight - our first one since getting back together 3 months ago.

 

Right now I'm just keeping my distance and thinking things over. But I've been totally open with him. I told him I'm keeping my distance not to punish or hurt him, but because I'm still sad and mad, and basically just feel like breathing fire at him right now, which isn't constructive. I feel like if anything's going to move forward, I'll have to explicitly spell out that I need him to understand my point of view and apologize for the disappointment - but I just feel too tired and frustrated to have to take the reins in that way right now.

 

I also said that a little time and space to reflect is not a bad thing, which I think is very true.

[Mack05]

Great thread. Ruby very brave of you to leave. It's something I have not been able to do in the past. I am (in general) a conservative guy. I have had relationships with Liberal girls. Their attitude towards sex, religion, relationship boundaries, relationship dynamics were very different to mine.

 

In truth I wanted them to see things from my perspective. Sometimes I might have even wanted to change them. I know how dumb that is now. Sadly I flogged some of these relationships to death and some of my ex's think little of me (which I actually understand).

 

The main thing here is wheter you are conservative, liberal or anything in between, no one is 'wrong'. It's just the way you view the world. The biggest lessons I have learnt is if you don't have the same fundamental standards/morals/views/etc a relationship will simply not work. It's like hammering two pieces of jigsaw that simply don't fit.

 

I'd rather have same views/morals etc, then have things in common (sports, traveling etc). I think you can find a 'middle' easier, if you view things in the same way. Also if you ever want to change someone, you're with the wrong person. Everyone deserves a person who loves them warts and all.

 

I commend your courage Ruby. I wish I had followed your fantastic example. Sure it wouldn't change the relationship outcome, but I might have some ex's who I didn't hurt as much and who respected me. By enduring short term pain you are ensuring long term happiness..

 

Ruby I posted this on February 25th. Do you know whats changed? Nothing..

 

While everyone was congratulating you on your new found happiness, I was very skeptical. Not because I dont want you to be happy, I do. U know I think u are a great girl. Its just that your original instinct was that you were both too different..

 

The best lesson I have ever learnt. Listen to your gut. When your instinct speaks have your head rule your heart..

 

I cant see how you can have a fulfilling relationship with a guy u need to `train`. Dogs are for training...If ur thought process is I dont want another girl geting the benefits of my work.....Are those the thought process of someone in a hapy healthy relationship..Think about it

Edited June 19, 2013 by Mack05

[Ruby Slippers]

I realize that posting about my problems publicly opens my relationship up to comment and criticism - which is why I stopped posting it about it as much this time around, and why I'll now stop again. It's very easy to say "dump him" when you're not in the situation and you don't see the big picture. I might end up doing that again. I'm thinking about it. But that's not a decision that anyone can make for me. Whether I break it off again now, stick with him for life, or something in between, there's value in whatever path I take.

[Mack05]

Ruby I'm not criticising you..I've made more then my fair share of mistakes. I just feel in time you will regret not sticking to your original decision which I commended you for at the time. I think right now you are a little sensitive because deep down you know I'm right. You are correct in saying I dont know the ins and outs of your relationship. The truth is I dont need to. Sometimes someone on the outside can see FAR more then someone on the inside.

 

Ruby u can either go with the ego attitude "I will prove them wrong" or stop wasting time and accept the situation for what it is. Two people who dont belong together. The pieces dont fit, no matter how hard u hammer them together.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Ruby it is you that should be advising us. I would kill for a woman with your maturity and class. Your ex recognises this too. He seems like a good guy. It's great to see the maturity both have showed in the breakup cause I can almost guarantee you if you stayed, you would have flogged that horse to death and any goodwill would have turned into resentment.

 

Now its back to the hard bit. Back to being single and 'afraid'. Just keep doing what you are doing. It's going to happen..

 

So how long flogging? Your head knows im right. Your heart so badly wants me to be wrong..I know this script

[Mack05]

Ruby and other posters please feel free to bash me for saying what I am about to say...

 

I don't understand what all of a sudden has changed? In my opinion for a relationship to work you have to have the same core values and the same views on many things as I referenced above. To me this just looks like two lonely people trying to make another go of things.

 

Many times couples will promise to change this and change that to try steer the ship in the right direction, only to be either met by the same problems or encounter a whole bunch of new one's.

 

I said above by enduring short term pain you are ensuring long term happiness, now it seems you will gain short term happiness and long term pain. I hope I am wrong, but I really fail to see what has changed with regarding the relationship dynamics.

 

I remember in my relationship before last having INSANE chemistry with my ex. We were sleep deprived the first few months because we couldn't get to sleep. It felt like we would be missing something. I know how powerful a drug 'chemistry' is. This chemistry, 'fear' and a desire to be happy are causing you to not think this through clearly. You are in denial and even if you come back here in two months and tell us all you have never been happier, I still won't buy what you are trying to sell.

 

Many times couples who have great initial chemistry don't necessarily form the healthiest of unions. The relationship 'core' is not solid the way it should be. When that last piece of magic dust goes away, sometimes there is little left. Like a Sports car that looks the part, but when you lift the bonnet the engine is a mess.

 

In the movie 'knocked up' there is a scene where the lead female character is breaking up with her boyfriend that got her pregnant. As they are breaking up she looks at her sister (who is unhappily married to a good guy). She says I don't want to be in a relationship where you have to fight for something everyday that you both know deep down isn't right.

 

It's what happens when that magic 'chemistry' dust disappears that concerns me here. I'm sure you must wonder how can I be so sure of this. I have yet to see a scenario when I see one plus one that it doesn't equal two..If you two ever settle down it will either be one enormous struggle or divorce. There is no option 3.

 

Skidmark is right. If you were in your early 20's this relationship would be over by now. Its a combination of wanting to happy and fear of being single that forces you to find 'solutions'. Solutions that are not required when you are with the right person in a healthy bond. When you left before you missed him. I missed my ex too, terribly. That's not enough of a reason to stay together.

 

I orginally spoke in this thread how proud I was of you when you first left go. I said you are choosing short term pain and long term happiness over vice versa. The longer you stay the bigger this mistake comes. The longer you stay the longer you deny yourself a guy who is right for you. Think how far you would be down the road had you stayed NC since February? There is such valuable time been wasted. Your determination to make something work, that never will is going to be to your own personal deteriment.

 

He is a good guy. He has great qualities but to make a relationship work, to survive what life throws at you, to grow as indivuals and as partners it needs to feel 'right'. You need to be 110% sure. Otherwise whats the point? Life is just one big struggle after big struggle. You wake up one morning you are in your 50's wondering what happened to your life and no longer in love. That is your future unless you change direction now. I changed direction. Thank god I did.

 

Communication is key to any relationship success. How can you have great communication in this type of relationship scenario?I understand is your decision, but the bottom line is you need to be with a man who instincively knows what you want, not a lapdog you need to teach. Getting let down time and time again cause he instinctively hasn't a clue what you want doesn't do either of you any good. These decisions are the hardest to make. Let the heart rule the head or vice versa. I just hope you make the right decision. I hate seeing good people suffer and that happens too much already on this site..

Edited June 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Ruby Slippers]

I know you guys are just trying to help, and I appreciate that. But some of your assertions here are just incorrect, even the opposite of what's true. I'm taking my own time and space to think about what's best, and I'll make the right decision for me.

 

Last night on the phone, though he didn't try to patch things up with sweet talk, he brought up the next holiday (July 4th) and the next important event, my birthday next month. He's already negotiated with his client contact in another state to push his travel forward 1 week so he'll get to spend my birthday with me wherever I want. I didn't ask him to do this or even hint, but he offered in advance.

 

He also came up with a workable plan for how we can spend the longest stretch of time together that we have so far, starting next weekend. He offered to spend 75% of the time in my city, and asked if I'd spend the other 25% in his city, since he has to be in the office those days. He also said, "If there's an important day coming up and I don't suggest a plan, tell me what you want to do, and I'll be happy to do it."

 

What I said to him on the phone last night is, "I'm not going to change, and you're not going to change. If we're going to be together, we're going to have to willingly adapt to each other." The choice to make that commitment is up to no one but us.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What I said to him on the phone last night is, "I'm not going to change, and you're not going to change. If we're going to be together, we're going to have to willingly adapt to each other." The choice to make that commitment is up to no one but us.

 

That is really the truth.

 

I think most of us are aware of many of our own shortcomings and if we've ever had a failed relationship, we can see lots of ways we contributed to it in hindsight. When a new chance presents itself, I think there's a tendency to believe that this time not only "it," but WE will be so different.

 

But, it rarely happens that way. Change takes time and it's pretty natural and easy to fall back into our normal patterns of behavior when we get comfortable, and forget about how we were never going to be like this or that again. Because this or that is who we really are.

 

I don't think that your relationship with this man is doomed, at all. I feel like you've shown a lot of wisdom right here. I do NOT think that the conscious focus on "training" this man and working on bringing him to your level of worldliness is going to lead anywhere good, though.

 

If he feels like something he is or is not doing is really harming either himself, his chances for a good life, or a person he loves (you, in this case), and he's very mature and self aware, he may well take consistent steps towards change and stay the course. Just as well, though, his best intentions might win out over time and the changes, though maybe there, could be so small that he still seems like the exact same guy you started out dating.

 

Same applies to you, of course.

 

So the only real thing to do is to really know whether we can accept the person we're with as they actually are, today, when we're deciding how far to go in a relationship. The future cannot be decided successfully based on pending promised changes.

 

Best to you!

[Ruby Slippers]

Beautiful and helpful post, Mme. Chaucer. Thank you!

 

I don't think that your relationship with this man is doomed, at all. I feel like you've shown a lot of wisdom right here. I do NOT think that the conscious focus on "training" this man and working on bringing him to your level of worldliness is going to lead anywhere good, though.

I totally agree. And thanks for the vote of confidence I appreciate that he's backing up his commitment to the relationship with those kinds of words - but I agree that's not the right path, nor one that appeals to me. We'll both have to use grace and a positive attitude in adapting to each other. I told him that just as this is "man training", it's also "woman training", and it always goes both ways.

 

This relationship has in no way been one-sided, and he's taught me just as much as I've taught him.

[BC1980]

I've read through your thread, and I think it it good what you are doing. I get people not being compatible, but no one is compatible in all areas. Now everyone has their own set of deal breakers, but a lot of things can actually be worked through.

 

My ex was so indecisive; it used to really grate on my nerves, but, at a point, I had to accept it or leave. He wasn't going to change, and it wasn't my place to make him change. In your situation, both of you are changing out of your own free will for the good of the relationship. That is a totally different ball game, and it really is a good thing. A lot of people will bail because they are looking for the perfect match, perfect catch, perfect fit. That is so unrealistic. No one can live up to that.

 

Just remember what your deal breakers are, and don't settle with those. The rest, you have to work with. Anyone you are with long enough, there is going to be something that you have to work on.

[Mack05]

What I said to him on the phone last night is, "I'm not going to change, and you're not going to change. If we're going to be together, we're going to have to willingly adapt to each other." The choice to make that commitment is up to no one but us.

 

I won't stay on this thread too much longer Ruby. I mean afterall who wants some dude you have never met criticising your relationship? I hope you see I am just giving you something to think about. In this case I want you to think real hard. I got an incredible knack for these things, providing it doesn't involve me .

 

The phrase I quoted above (if you are being honest with yourself) is more like, wanting him to change to accomodate you. I mean how exactly are you changing to accomodate him? You mentioned in your post I was wrong. Where exactly am I wrong here? Please point it out. There is an incredible naiviety to your thought process here. 'If I change and you change we will be great'. I said it before and I will say it again, if only life was that easy.

 

I understand that this argument is not black and white. You have me who thinks this union is simply not compatible no matter how much you both bend, reshape and manoeuvre. You have other posters who feel that sometimes two people can willingly adapt to make something work. I'm sure indeed this has happened in some instances, but I know this union simply cannot work.

 

Might be an idea for you both to take a compatibility test? Myself and an ex did this once and we were MILES apart. I laughed it off at the time but I knew those results were so far apart that things were not likely to be long term. Turned out to be true..Google 'couples compatibility and should you need to change' and couples compatibility test.

 

Another thing this ->

Last weekend after our fight, he was trying to fix it with makeup sex, and said, "Submit to me." I resisted him (not easy), and said, "You haven't earned that."

Am I the only person who thinks this is creepy?

 

Teach me = "I have no real sense of self" which is theeee biggest of red flags. Submit to me = "I want to control you."

 

With great relationships everything just flows, ESPECIALLY at the beggining. No 'change' required. Change to steady the ship is something usually needed after years not months. It appears there is little work to it, but that is because you are both completely in synch with the other. Communication, sex, and everything else in between it feels so 'natural'. The one's where you OVER communicate to make sure the ship is sailing in the right dirtection can be very exhausting.

 

Ruby the problem with people in denial 1) They don't understand/realize that they are in denial. 2) They will resist strongly to anyone telling them that they are. Time (whether that's months or years) will prove me right. I couldn't be more sure of this. I will take no joy or satisfaction being right this time because that means you are hurt. This is so unhealthy and the effect it will have on your life will be devastating.

 

This guy is a swarm of red flags. No man in his 30's should talk and act the way he does. You are taking the words of an emotionally unhealthy man at face value and here lies the big problem..The fact you are liberal and him conservartive means if you do have kids there will be firewoks on how they are brought up. This is where he will revert back to type. You can talk about change till the cows come home but a conservative man is like a leopard. His spots don't change. I speak from experience.

 

Sure you can make changes to the negatives in your personality, but the core of who he is simply will not change. It is this fact which will cause the relationship to eventually implode from the bottom up. Most people in unhappy relationships just can't deal with the fact their partner doesn't want them for who they are. I want a woman who loves me for me, Not a version of what she wants me to be. I am not looking for 'perfection' I just want a woman who will let me be me.

 

If he was emotionally healthy he wouldn't accept the fact you don't want him for the way he is now. He is so desperate (cause he knows you are a great girl) that he is willing to literally do anything to be with you and yet longterm you still won't be fullfilled within the relationship. It will leave you both so miserable and mis understood.

 

You have Liberal affectionate girl with conservative unaffectionate 'submit to me' guy. This is just two lonely people who are both desperate to be happy = Toxic unfulling relationship. One of the biggest mistakes you will ever make was not sticking to your original decision and going NC in Feb. My words will haunt you in the months and years to come..Ina world of sadness, loneliness cheaters etc etc etc Having a loyal, honest guy is great, but ONLY when the relationship dynamics are right.

 

Otherwise it simply just doesn't work Ruby..

Edited June 21, 2013 by Mack05

[Ruby Slippers]

Mack, I appreciate your perspective. And who knows - maybe I'll read this thread again in 6 months and see shining wisdom and truth in your words. Right now, though, I see a lot of dramatic language and extremes that don't really apply.

 

Where I need to make my decision from is a still, quiet place of reflection and intuition - not an emotionally agitated, reactionary state.

 

Thanks for the advice, good ideas, and support in the thread. I won't post in it again.

Edited June 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

For general consumption, regarding now redacted discussion of whom is and isn't welcome to post in LoveShack threads, the official forum policy is that *all* members are welcomed, and encouraged, to post in threads of interest to them in a manner consistent with our community guidelines.

 

With that out of the way, thread closed.