I broke up with the conservative guy

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm having a good work day today. My assistant was here, and we blew through a ton of work. Business has also heated up again big time, and all the demands are building new momentum and pulling me along.

 

My friends have been so sweet and there for me. I'm getting back to my healthy eating and workouts. I'm doing all the hard work of reaching my ambitious business goals, and everyone I'm hiring seems to just love working on the biz with me, which rules.

 

I'm pleased with how much composure and strength I have right now. I've come a long way!

[Ruby Slippers]

A good friend of mine came over last night, and it was sweet.

 

We talked about boys, of course. Her boyfriend of a few months just told her he loves her, and I'm very happy for her, because she hasn't liked anyone this much in years.

 

She asked if I would consider giving it a second chance with my ex. Everybody keeps asking me that. I guess it's obvious how much I liked him. All my friends who met him say we were a really cute couple and seemed very good together. I gave the same answer - if it's meant to be, it'll be. And if not, it won't.

 

She gave me a big hug at the end and told me she loves me, which was very sweet. Saying I love you to friends is not something I do often - but in this case, the timing was perfect. Even though I have lingering sadness and miss him a lot, I feel loved, strong, and OK.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I've been asked out 3 times since the breakup 2 1/2 weeks ago, which is nice. The first 2 were the 2 guys I dated before my ex - the bouncer and the doctor. The bouncer is not a real prospect, but the doctor could be. The 3rd is a guy I had just started talking to before I met my ex.

 

I told all of them I'm not ready for dating yet. I'm feeling stronger and getting back into my groove - but I need to let the lingering feelings go and feel excited about romance again before I get back out there. But all 3 of these guys are more romantic and expressive than my ex, and even though it's just fun talk right now, it's a nice change after my emotionally reserved and matter-of-fact ex! (I do still miss him, though.)

[tigressA]

You're my official LS girl crush now, Ruby. You're so strong and taking all this so well, totally kicking ass! I really admire how honest you are about your readiness to date and how you're just focusing on yourself and making things better in your life.

 

I'm learning to be honest with myself too, and deny myself those short-term 'fixes'. My ex-fling from last summer came sniffing around recently and while old me would've taken him on as a distraction, new me firmly turned him down. I feel good about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you, doll. The feeling is mutual

 

I'm learning to be honest with myself too, and deny myself those short-term 'fixes'. My ex-fling from last summer came sniffing around recently and while old me would've taken him on as a distraction, new me firmly turned him down. I feel good about it.

Yes! Excellent!

 

And man, I hear you. This doctor is crazy about me, and would do just about anything to get me grinning. He could easily be my fix for months! But I'm not out for a fix this time. I'm going for something good, and real

[Ruby Slippers]

It's a month later.

 

I've admitted to myself that I did love him. I never told him that or allowed myself to acknowledge it when I was with him, because I didn't think he felt the same way. I think he cared about me a lot, but not to that depth. I had to give it a shot. He wowed and excited me more than anyone has in a very long time. I'm glad I didn't take this personally. I feel much stronger and more confident now than I did a year ago.

 

I've let go of my little fantasy of us getting back together and working it out. I told him I was open to being friends after a month of NC, but I'm not going to contact him and I don't expect to hear from him.

 

I feel that the relationship was far more positive than negative, and I'm still glad we met and spent some time together. I have no hard feelings toward him, and I truly wish him the best.

 

I feel much better about meeting a great guy now than I did before I met him. But I'm also in no rush. My priority right now is taking care of myself, my health, my business, getting as solid and strong as I can before I start dating again. But I don't want to wait too long. Dating is fun and good for me.

[CarrieT]

A very lovely and introspective post, Ruby.

 

You are doing well and I admire you tremendously.

 

<<<< hugs >>>>

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, I've had 4 date invites for Valentine's Day, and for dancing or dinner this weekend. These are all from guys I had just started talking to before I met my ex, who know I'm single again.

 

I'm thinking I'll at least say yes to a Valentine's Day date, but I'm not sure about this weekend. I feel like I'm in this rut where all I do is work, and I have to psych myself up to have fun with a man again.

 

I will admit that every time the phone rang this evening, I was hoping it was my ex, calling after the 1 month of NC I know, silly, but I find it's good for me to admit these embarrassing things - helps me move past them faster.

[eduardo23]

Wow you are so strong Ruby! I'm also going through a recent break up and the way you are handling everything is amazing. Way to go girl

[Ruby Slippers]

Thank you

 

I'm going salsa dancing Friday night.

 

I went out to dinner with a couple of business people this evening, and the woman dropped me off at home. I told her about this invitation, and she's like, "GO. What else would you be doing instead?" And I'm like, "Um, sitting at home with my cat feeling lonely."

 

That made it pretty obvious that I should just freaking GO.

 

I'm excited

[Ruby Slippers]

I just got home from a great first date

 

A few hours before the date, I deleted my ex's phone number and all his e-mails (not many, as he was always stingy with that stuff). It was kinda sad, but also kind of a relief to rip the band-aid off.

 

My date and I headed to a salsa club, discovered they didn't open till later, so had a bite to eat at a hoppin' diner across the street. Then we still had a little time till the place opened, so went to a hookah lounge nearby. I've always wanted to go to a hookah place, but never got around to it. I loved it! We sat on a loveseat and eventually got a little cuddly, smoked 4 rounds, and had awesome conversation, including scheming about opening our own hookah lounge and how ours would be even better. (We're both business owners, so this made perfect sense.)

 

Then we went dancing, and it was fun, though the music there was mostly not that great.

 

He brought me home, walked me to my door through the ice and snow, and kissed me good night, several times. Very good kisses. Slow, sweet, and sensual.

 

He said if I'm game, we can go wherever I want for Valentine's Day - just let him know where so he can make a reservation.

 

So refreshing to go out with a guy who's FUN and MATURE and SPONTANEOUS and OPEN and knows how to treat a woman.

 

I'm gonna be just fine

[SJC2008]

Sounds like yall weren't compatible so I'm not questioning the break up buy one thing did stand out to me. IMO man who isn't emitional wouldn't start crying after getting dumped? Did this cross your mind? Was he opposed to initimacy? Did he tell you he needs more time to open up?

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like yall weren't compatible so I'm not questioning the break up buy one thing did stand out to me. IMO man who isn't emitional wouldn't start crying after getting dumped? Did this cross your mind? Was he opposed to initimacy? Did he tell you he needs more time to open up?

Yeah, it crossed my mind. I still miss him and think about him. I'm getting on with my life and haven't contacted him - but the memories are certainly lingering.

 

He didn't just cry when I broke up with him. He cried pretty much anytime we had a serious discussion or disagreement, anytime it seemed the relationship was at risk. It was so strange, because he was intensely stoic and in control of himself the rest of the time, but he would get so sensitive and upset when we weren't getting along. I tried not to upset him - but sometimes you have to talk about things that aren't working.

 

To me, he seems very afraid of losing control and showing any emotions - so he would only do it when things felt dire. I don't really get it. He seems so strong and unafraid of anyone or anything. So why would this be so scary? I concluded it was probably fear of loss.

 

Either he didn't love me, or he couldn't/wouldn't express it. Neither of those possibilities is any good. I could have dealt with his **** if real love had been expressed and I knew it was adding up to something. But without that, I just couldn't do it anymore. I think it's stupid to waste your energy loving someone who doesn't love you back.

[Ruby Slippers]

He just texted me. We are... catching up.

 

My heart is beating out of my chest and feels like it's going to explode.

[Ruby Slippers]

And it's funny, because an hour ago I was missing him like crazy, crying my eyes out, and THIS CLOSE to calling him. I've just had this huge wave of loss and missing him today - almost out of nowhere. But I was strong and didn't call.

[ScienceGal]

Oh my. What's the game plan?

[Ruby Slippers]

No game plan.

 

I broke up with him early January, told him I wanted 1 month of no contact, and was open to being friends after that. I meant it. I said if either of us wanted to get in touch after that month, we were free to do so.

 

I have strong feelings for him, but I think I could handle just being friends. Anyway, he lives in another city now, so we're not going to cross paths unless we intend to.

 

I'll see what he has to say, if anything. Right now it's just small talk.

[Soxfaninfl]

He probably needs time to heal. I broke up with my GF about the same time as you. I miss her, but her negatives outweighed the positives. It's too hard for me to be friends with ex's. I feel it's better just to move on. My feelings would just get in the way. Your a stronger person than me Ruby.

[iouaname]

I'm surprised that he texted! I've been reading the thread, and I remember that you said he didn't text after the one month and that you didn't expect him to.

 

I'm interested in hearing how this goes for you, hon! Glad you're doing well, though.

[aussie sam]

Interesting thread, It feels like a novel when I read your progress. I think you are really strong but I'm confused. Are are you open to the idea of reconciliation? It seems like you are treading dangerously close if not.

[Mack05]

Great thread. Ruby very brave of you to leave. It's something I have not been able to do in the past. I am (in general) a conservative guy. I have had relationships with Liberal girls. Their attitude towards sex, religion, relationship boundaries, relationship dynamics were very different to mine.

 

In truth I wanted them to see things from my perspective. Sometimes I might have even wanted to change them. I know how dumb that is now. Sadly I flogged some of these relationships to death and some of my ex's think little of me (which I actually understand).

 

The main thing here is wheter you are conservative, liberal or anything in between, no one is 'wrong'. It's just the way you view the world. The biggest lessons I have learnt is if you don't have the same fundamental standards/morals/views/etc a relationship will simply not work. It's like hammering two pieces of jigsaw that simply don't fit.

 

I'd rather have same views/morals etc, then have things in common (sports, traveling etc). I think you can find a 'middle' easier, if you view things in the same way. Also if you ever want to change someone, you're with the wrong person. Everyone deserves a person who loves them warts and all.

 

I commend your courage Ruby. I wish I had followed your fantastic example. Sure it wouldn't change the relationship outcome, but I might have some ex's who I didn't hurt as much and who respected me. By enduring short term pain you are ensuring long term happiness..

Edited February 25, 2013 by Mack05

[Ruby Slippers]

Interesting thread, It feels like a novel when I read your progress. I think you are really strong but I'm confused. Are are you open to the idea of reconciliation? It seems like you are treading dangerously close if not.

I might give it a second chance, but only if he brings it up and we can come up with some new ideas for solving the problems we were struggling with before.

 

So far, it's just been small talk - so at most, he's testing the waters right now. If anything's going to develop, I know from experience that he moves slowly and cautiously.

 

I respect and care about him enough that I think I could also just be friends with him. I know that a good deal of our conflicts were due to his inexperience. I have no attachment to him being mine, and think I could be his friend and even give him dating/relationship advice. He certainly needs it!

 

These past few weeks, I've been questioning my decision to break up with him, wondering if I wasn't being too idealistic and throwing away something imperfect but very good. No matter what, though, something had to give when it did.

 

Right now, I'm just happy that we're in contact again and there are no hard feelings.

[KathyM]

It's good that you realized you were not a match and ended it. Even though a person may have strong feelings for someone or admire other really great things about them, in the end, if there are fundamental differences in core values or lifestyle, they are likely to be dealbreakers down the road. My sister made the mistake of marrying a guy that she was not a match with, her second husband, who had a very different attitude than her about the lifestyle he wanted for them, they had a lot of differences in education, spirituality, leisure time, and interests, and although they did have some things in common and did love each other, in the end, it was not enough. The core differences were too much and eventually caused their marriage to fail. It's good you didn't invest more time in a relationship where there were too many differences. Those types of relationships are not likely to last. She is now married to someone who is a near perfect match for her, and there aren't these struggles and disagreements that came from being with someone who is not a match.

[cavalier99]

I might give it a second chance, but only if he brings it up and we can come up with some new ideas for solving the problems we were struggling with before.

 

So far, it's just been small talk - so at most, he's testing the waters right now. If anything's going to develop, I know from experience that he moves slowly and cautiously.

 

I respect and care about him enough that I think I could also just be friends with him. I know that a good deal of our conflicts were due to his inexperience. I have no attachment to him being mine, and think I could be his friend and even give him dating/relationship advice. He certainly needs it!

 

These past few weeks, I've been questioning my decision to break up with him, wondering if I wasn't being too idealistic and throwing away something imperfect but very good. No matter what, though, something had to give when it did.

 

Right now, I'm just happy that we're in contact again and there are no hard feelings.

 

Sounds like you might just want to move on without contacting him more. You did BU with him right? So unless you change you mind completely, essentially you letting him string himself along by responding to his contact. Not that this isn't OK as long as he is the one contacting. I mean it is his choice if he wants to do this to himself. So don't take what i said the wrong way.

 

I think you really haven't dated that much and seems to me if you can see him as being a friend so soon your aren't sufficiently in love with him to waste any more time on the guy.

 

I know you cried and have had a few second thoughts but your not running back to him. This tells me it is over 100 percent IMO. Your probably way more recovered than him and wont be going back.

 

Also he might seem cool with things but he probably isn't and is still hurting. I understand if he initiates contact it is really his problem and you can only go by what he says. That being said how would he and you work on thing etcetera if your not together?

 

I don't know just seems like there isn't much point in talking to him. Well actually there is some benefit to you in the sense that you will get more comfortable with him being gone and that you guys are "friends" and everything is cool. He wont benefit.

 

Just my thoughts. Cav

 

PS Even though you handled this BU in a very admirable fashion there still might be a lot of hard feelings. Your just not aware of them. Just food for though as you proceed.

Edited February 25, 2013 by cavalier99

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you really haven't dated that much and seems to me if you can see him as being a friend so soon your aren't sufficiently in love with him to waste any more time on the guy.

I'm 36 and have spent most of my adult life in long-term relationships. He's 31 and the longest relationship he had was with me (6 months). He's a late bloomer by choice, due to conservative religious upbringing.

 

Believe me, I have very strong feelings for him. The second I met him, I was hit with a giant lightning bolt, and just seeing that first text from him yesterday threw my heart into a giddy tailspin. It was kind of ridiculous how excited I got. And it hasn't let up. I've felt like I'm walking on a cloud of light ever since. I'm choosing to interpret that as a wave of positive energy, and not trying to steer it toward any particular outcome - other than productivity and good stuff. And I'm on fire today. My assistant is at my home office working, and we're talking and laughing more than we have so far, and getting a lot of good work done. (We're both brainy introverts, and I have to work hard to draw her out, too!)

 

Hopefully I'm mature enough now to control my emotions. In spite of my strong feelings for him, I took the step I did because, practically, it was the right thing to do at the time.

 

I know you cried and have had a few second thoughts but your not running back to him. This tells me it is over 100 percent IMO. Your probably way more recovered than him and wont be going back.

I didn't run back to him because one of the big problems is that he's not emotionally expressive, and I couldn't deal with not knowing clearly how he felt about me. It felt too unbalanced.

 

Also he might seem cool with things but he probably isn't and is still hurting. I understand if he initiates contact it is really his problem and you can only go by what he says. That being said how would he and you work on thing etcetera if your not together?

I don't know. But like I've said many times, if it's meant to be, it will be - and if not, it won't.

 

I don't know just seems like there isn't much point in talking to him. Well actually there is some benefit to you in the sense that you will get more comfortable with him being gone and that you guys are "friends" and everything is cool. He wont benefit.

I think we will both benefit however it goes from here. We're both strong, smart, independent lone wolves. I've maintained a strong friendship with one ex who's like that, too, and it's been very positive and productive. In fact, that ex and I are running this successful start-up business together, and we probably wouldn't have succeeded without the other's involvement. We didn't work romantically, but we work very well together in business.