Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[M30USA]

Not necessarily, and if you are questioning whether you do have NPD, chances are that you don't..... you might be one of those care-taker / giver type of people, just as I am... or what they call co-dependents...

 

Yeah, I've suspected I might have codependency. But how is the possible when I find such peace in solitude?

[NoMoreJerks]

Yeah, I've suspected I might have codependency. But how is the possible when I find such peace in solitude?

Probably because of the emotional exhaustion from being involved with a BPD/NPD? I am a co-dependent, but I don't want to get into a relationship with anyone for a long long time, after my 6 month-long experience with my NPD ex.. At this point, for me, never-ending solitude is more tempting than a relationship with anyone because of the risks involved in getting stuck with yet another NPD/BPD. No. Being single rocks. No, never, f*ck that, I am never getting involved with another NPD/BPD, even if being extra-vigilant means I will ruin my chances of finding someone decent.

[NoMoreJerks]

And you are quoting?

I am certain wiki is more credible than that

 

Numbers don't matter. You claimed none are treatable

They are not treatable. %ages do not mean anything, especially when the % is about how many of them were "cured", not about how many BPDers/NPDers actually accepted to go into treatment... Maybe that sample refers to only 5 people who actually went in for treatment, and of those 5, 2 or 3 were "cured" or "changed" (supposedly!). That is hardly a meaningful sample, or statistically significant, though. How many % of those with BPD / NPD seek/accept treatment to begin with? These are not disorders for which you can be forced into psychiatric care either... it has to be voluntary..I suspect that very few actually go in for treatment and fewer still get out of it "actually" fixed/changed... I wonder whether there was a re-assessment of these BPDers/NPDers' progress after a certain period, to ascertain that there really was successful treatment or if it was just a temporary show the BPDers/NPDers were putting on. How is success even assessed??

Edited January 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edit

[delighted_delilah]

I am extremely uncomfortable with the level of over-generalizations being tossed around as fact in regards to people suffering from personality disorders and/or mental illness. There are a few people here speaking as though they are licensed psychologists and therefore qualified to make extremely arrogant and unfair determinations about people they do not know and never will. It is one thing to have lived through the hell of being in a relationship (be it romantic, friendship, family, etc) with someone who has BPD; it is quite another to tar all people with BPD with the same brush. 'They' are not all the same, just like people with OCD are not all the same, or people with depression, anxiety, NPD, etc are not all the same.

I suspect that I may have BPD and am currently on a waiting list to see someone in the hopes of a formal diagnosis. I am seeking help because even though the very idea of having this makes me want to wrap myself up in a blanket and never face the world again, I owe it to my children and friends to do whatever it takes to be as healthy as I possibly can. Yes, I can be destructive; usually I turn it inward on myself, but destructive is destructive. Yes, I push good men away and save myself for guys who will treat me like absolute garbage, because deep down, that's what I believe I deserve. Incidentally, my mother fed me her meds when I was four years old because she didn't want to be a mom anymore. Yep, there's that childhood trauma, abandonment, etc that apparently can feed into this type of disorder. Am I a victim? No. Absolutely not. Any mistakes I have made are mine and I own them. Do I seek to destroy those around me? No way; the very small, core group of friends I have are precious to me and I never forget how lucky I am to have people in my life who understand that there are times when I am bat***** crazy (imo anyway) and unreasonable. Have I done things that hurt other people, with a reckless disregard for the consequences and later wondered how/why I could do such a thing? YES! That right there is one of the reasons I don't date, haven't dated in years, and won't even consider an emotional relationship until I find out for sure what the hell is wrong with me.

I'll say this though: I may be a mess, but at least I don't sit here judging people I don't know, acting as though my decision to remain in an unhealthy relationship is the fault of the other person. Own your own behaviour before you start labeling other people as being unable to own theirs.

[William]

Don't sit here judging people

 

Moderation agrees, regarding the discussion of fellow members specifically, and reminds members to be both respectful of fellow members and topical with their postings, especially regarding a sensitive and personal subject such as psychological disorder/mental illness. Thanks.

[Radu]

All over this forum there are warnings that what you read here, is not the opinion of trained professionals and should not be substituted with it.

It cannot get more clear than this.

 

This thread concerns those that have been victims of these ppl.

It is a vent thread primarily, but also a source of good information.

Some of us who don't have acces to therapy in our own countries use these threads to get a grip on reality because of what happened to us because of these ppl.

We use these threads as a support group.

Coming here and making fun of it, is the equivalent of going to an Al-Anon meeting and saying how much you love booze, while using vivid details in describing it.

And chances are that if you go through something like this, and start to fix yourself with professional help, in time you will become quite an expert on this very small, very narrow field.

 

I'll also add for you DD and ES, PD's are very rarely self-aware.

And from the blogs/sites of psychologists that i have read, their rate of 'doing better' is very low.

That is because they are little children [emotionally], who have the full rights of adults, trapped in adult bodies. You cannot guide them as if they were little children, because they can simply walk out.

The older they become, the more sophisticated their defenses are as well.

If you are questioning if you have it, you are either one of the few self-aware ones [with good odds to improve], or one who sees some of the symptoms in them.

And therein lies the problem.

Almost everyone has some of these PD traits in them.

The difference is that in those with real, diagnosable PD, these traits are very strong, to the point where they trump logic ... their fear gets the better of them.

Which is why you should not self-diagnose something like this.

 

I also thought i had BPD when i first read up on it.

I remember i even bugged DOT with questions on therapy options over the internet [none here].

But my problems were other ... depression lead to anxiety in all things, depression brought up and made stronger my maladaptive daydreaming, my anxiety and poor body image turned into picking at my skin.

Because of my lack of faith in myself, i ended up with 3 quite abusive women one after the other of which one i believe to have had a mild form of BPD.

All came from 3 of my grandparents [one being both emotionally and physically abusive], my school teacher of 4yrs being abusive [emotionally and physical], my parents siding with her, being the utter outcast for 8yrs of school because i was different and i got bullied often ...

 

In the last 2yrs i have had the ... misfortune, of actually meeting a full blown BPD who was mid functioning.

She would tear out her own hair and eat it if things did not go her way.

This was a psychologist with a master, a woman of over 40yrs old.

[NoMoreJerks]

I really think that it is only fair for people to express their feelings about how they suffered at the hands of BPDers/NPDers. It is by no means insensitive. We are telling it as it is. Some people might have problems with that, given that it shows BPDers and NPDers for what they truly are, and they might even claim this is "hate-mongering", but nope, it hardly is. If it seems as extreme as hate-mongering, it is not because it is hate-mongering -- it is because the relationships we were in were THAT abusive and traumatic. It's not that WE are bitter and exaggerating. It's that this is the vomit-inducing truth about BPDers and NPDers. As I said in one of my first posts in this thread, having "suffered" at some point in their lives is no excuse for sh*tty behaviour, and I do think that BPDers/NPDers should not be treated like some parents treat their spoiled tantrum-throwing children. When a child throws a tantrum and demands that you get him a toy, you don't go and get him one, do you? That's a terrible way of bringing him up, isn't it? It only shows him that tantrums will be rewarded. Same goes for BPDers and NPDers.. I have zero tolerance for their tantrums, to be honest, or the reasons behind them. They should go seek treatment, and if they do not want to admit that they have issues, it is not my problem, but they should not expect us to pretend that there was no problem to begin with, and to not talk about it. I think some people's behaviour on this thread might be considered eerily characteristic of BPD behavior, sadly. BPDers always want to be the center of the universe, and always place themselves in the victim role... they always feel slighted, even at the mention of truths.. At this point, I am done showing "understanding" , "sympathy", and "support" to people with BPD / NPD because I have been on the receiving end of their sh*tty treatment and it was a crazy 6 months, that derailed my entire life -- career, family, emotional and mental health, even my physical health. Sorry, but no, they will not gain my sympathy or my respect for their DISorder. If they are seeking treatment/help, all the more power to them, but chances are, if they ARE seeking treatment and suspect that they might have BPD/NPD, they probably are not BPD/NPDers to begin with.

[NoMoreJerks]

Radu, good post. The problem with BPD/NPDers is that their behaviour causes severe trauma in their (abuse) victims. It is an insanely abusive relationship, and very traumatic, no matter how long it actually lasted (in my case, 6 months, but 6 months of hell). The problem is that, unlike most mental illnesses/conditions, these two are probably the WORST in terms of the effects they have on OTHER people, and because they are NOT curable, and usually these people do NOT even admit they have a problem, it just becomes a matter of preserving your own sanity.. A therapist who might suggest to a BPDer's loved one to "sympathize" and "respect" and "appreciate" the needs of the BPDer is basically causing severe damage to the mental health of ANOTHER human being. That's very unethical and irresponsible. I think therapists should tell people the truth about BPDers and the "risk factors" of staying in relationships with them. In fact, must recommend that their friends and family and partners distance themselves from them, and/or run away in the other direction, if they can afford to. It is unethical to tell someone that they should dedicate themselves to the whims and insanities of BPDers /NPDers, just because they happen to have a "disorder". Someone who has a disorder is not someone who is necessarily a victim. But BPDers and NPDers naturally LOVE playing the victim role. They have mastered the blame game, and this type of attitude, whereby people who have suffered at their hands are silenced/looked down upon for speaking up about their ordeal , only plays into BPDers'/NPDers' hands, and causes even more damage to the people who have already suffered too much at their hands.

 

IMO, people should be made aware of what BPDers/NPDers truly are, and advised to get out of their relationships with them ASAP. The problem is that a lot of people end up blaming themselves, and wondering what they are doing wrong, and keep trying to fix things, because they don't recognize these symptoms and think that something is wrong with THEM. They end up questioning themselves, blaming themselves. That was me. So it's not always our fault that we stayed in the relationship that long. And once you get out of the relationship, one way of healing from it, and regaining your sanity and not keeping on blaming yourself for everything, is to talk about your ordeal, and to warn others of what life with a BPDer/NPDer is like.. That gives me some semblance of closure, and I feel empowered when I expose those people for what they really are: manipulators.

[Star Gazer]

I may be a mess, but at least I don't sit here judging people I don't know, acting as though my decision to remain in an unhealthy relationship is the fault of the other person. Own your own behaviour before you start labeling other people as being unable to own theirs.

 

Gaslighting and putting it back on the abused person is characteristic of BPD and NPD.

 

No one here is disclaiming ownership for their relationships with folks with BPD or NPD or a combination of the two. Rather, we're simply strongly encouraging those who may be in a relationship with a Borderline or Narc to run for the hills.

 

IMO, people should be made aware of what BPDers/NPDers truly are, and advised to get out of their relationships with them ASAP. The problem is that a lot of people end up blaming themselves, and wondering what they are doing wrong, and keep trying to fix things, because they don't recognize these symptoms and think that something is wrong with THEM. They end up questioning themselves, blaming themselves. That was me. So it's not always our fault that we stayed in the relationship that long. And once you get out of the relationship, one way of healing from it, and regaining your sanity and not keeping on blaming yourself for everything, is to talk about your ordeal, and to warn others of what life with a BPDer/NPDer is like.. That gives me some semblance of closure, and I feel empowered when I expose those people for what they really are: manipulators.

 

:::applause:::

[NoMoreJerks]

Speak of the goddamn devil... my ex texted me, 3 weeks after he dumped me... he's seeking attention again... and here I am again, feeling guilty about not responding. I'm not gonna respond, but I can't help but feel bad/sorry for him. :sick:

[bpdr]

It's amazing how selfish they can be, never being able to consider the relationship from their partner's perspective. As you know, you're used for a purpose, and abused and discarded when you no longer serve that purpose. They aren't happy in relationships; all of their needs for ego boosts and validation can be found by multi-dating, remaining shallow, never having any emotional depth. They find the effort required to have a meaningful relationship to be too troublesome and annoying, and have commitment phobic traits... all of which causes painful emotional injury to those they're in relationships with, both during and after it ends.

 

I feel for you. :hug:

 

Bravo! Stargazer.

 

My sentiments exactly. I could not have summed it up in a nutshell more precisely. It's amazing - that we all can come from different walks, lifestyles, and upbringings --> YET all seemingly have similar views on our dreadful experience. Where there is "Smoke - There is Fire" type attitude.

 

And, I SAY - to the "Casual Observer" wanting to interject an opposite point of view, or casually "Dismiss the Symptoms" - I SAY TO YOU......

 

NONE of us - not ONE of us here exacted this damage willfully. As "NONS" we entered into a relationship with a PD individual, and fell in love with them, and the seductive methods by which these individuals employ from relationship to marriage and vice versa not really knowing the "End Game"...

 

I say definitively - not one of us knew exactly what the hell we were getting into when we wavered our hearts to these insidious girls. Granted, some of these girls have no idea what exactly they are doing - because they are PD disordered. To them, it seems normal....and by all accounts by Captn Sav A Ho in actuality - it is NORMAL for these types of family to be considered "Normal" when in fact each and every one of them are indeed truly disordered. It only seems abnormal to THEM that we don't accept these behavior's. I will say however - that my ex on several occasions DID admit that she thought many of the drama's in her family were not normal.

 

I mean, how exactly - can such behaviors be "Normalized" in such a chaotic and crazy making manner? The true belief is in the eye of the beholder. What may seem NORMAL to us - may not be normal for them. The dichotomy involved is extremely complicated to sort out. Thus, the "Entanglement" of dissociation and trying to escape this craziness is all too apparent. I had such a devilish withdrawal from it - it is hard to explain. Words cannot describe the emptiness - and sadness that emanated from such disentanglement from a PD.

 

When you love someone - you try to see the goodness. From here, I maintain that there truly was no goodness. Even in the beginning - it is hard to imagine that anything good could possibly come from such a relationship. It was fake. Almost "Poser like" - and when I look back now, I can only see the red flags - and NOTHING GOOD.

 

No relationship should have such an aftermath. For it is held the belief true - that someone we ultimately love has some worth and good to bring us. When in fact, the latter was not ever in the cards. These girls, only see beyond their own emotional needs - and scream and yell when they are not met. There is NEVER appeasement. Nothing in their heart can ever accept otherwise, and they will never see your side to the argument. Instead, if you oppose them - or challenge the argument, you are to be held in contempt. So, that they might achieve THEIR means to an end. Once you become the enemy - and once they have checked out emotionally - it doesn't matter what you have done in maintenance of the relationship...but rather what you HAVE NOT done to fix them.

 

The reality is - they cannot be fixed. Thus, ending the relationship is inevitable. End of story - as far as the PD is concerned for sure. It's over for them - when you get too close, or are able to call them on their Sh*T. So sad...I did love her alot...

Not anymore. She's gone, and I never want to see her again.

 

BP

Edited January 15, 2013 by bpdr

[bpdr]

Speaking of warping and distortions...

 

BPD'ers may say something to you or act-out in ways they sense will provoke you into reacting. However nobody else will know or understand what catalyst they used to provoke you. So YOU end up looking like the crazy one! Needless to say, even your friends and family might see your partner as charismatic, adorable, kind and generous--and you're then viewed as the nut, who can't appreciate him/her.

 

A BPD's false-self mask is well developed. What this means is, stuff goes on behind closed doors (with you), that others in their social or professional life never see. Their therapist often isn't even aware of their damaging behaviors. A Borderline's public persona can increase your confusion, because you've observed a degree of normalcy at times, which runs contrary to your private experiences with them!

 

A borderline may act respectable and responsible in their outer world, but volatile at home. The mask they wear has them suppressing difficult feelings, to keep up appearances. Repression always magnifies emotions and acting-out behaviors are then greatly amplified.

 

Unfortunately, often the SO becomes the scapegoat for their rage. The one the one they are supposed to protect, the one they are supposed to love most.

 

NOBODY! Nobody can know how it is to face someone with BPD unless you've faced them yourself.

 

Not many people will believe or understand you either. Try explaining the most hurtful thing to your friends. Forget about it!

 

That we all have similar descriptions? Similar Scenarios? Similar Circumstances? Similar Beginnings? Similar Endings???

 

Healthy relationships DO NOT have this similarity. Nor the Dynamic of a Un-healthy relationship. Everything is Distorted, Projected, Gaslighted, or Playing Victim....

 

It's fricken weird....and the dynamic is abnormal. Good Post Heart of a Lion!

[bpdr]

Heart of A Lion says:

 

It becomes extra damaging if you're in love with that person and don't know they have BPD. Then you start doubting yourself and blaming yourself.

 

Well Said.

[Mack05]

I'm having a hard time finding arguments to disagree with you two here, as BPD is not a result of chemical imbalances in the brain. BPD is a personality disorder, so it can't be treated using meds like Schizophrenia for example.

 

Due to traumatic experiences during childhood and their teens, people with BPD go through an alteration of their personality.

 

So the question is, how do you "treat" someone's personality? Currently, psychologists can't.

 

I think deep down some people with BPD don't want to hurt or destroy others, but they don't have full control over their behavior. They also can't see the full extent of the hurt and destruction they bring about.

 

I find this a difficult topic, because what if you're in love with someone that has BPD? It's not like you can just shut those feeling off.

 

I've been on these forums long enough to give personal advice to some people here, but to be honest, I know damn well that when feelings are involved, then you're sometimes not always susceptible to reason.

 

The same holds true for people that fall in love with someone that has BPD.

 

Spot on. I think this is becoming a great thread. I think the experiences of falling for someone with BPD are incredibly frustrating and at times traumatic, but I also have to go back to my original point.

 

You just don't fall for someone with BPD. You just don't attract their attention by bad luck. There has to be issues (emotional, mental) on the nons side as well. A quote from Melanie Beattys book codependent no more, "Healthy people (emotionally) don't dance with unhealthy people".

 

Which means an emotionally healthy person see's the warning signs a country mile off and runs before feelings ever get a chance to develop. They see right through the facade, the face the BPDer wants the world to see and recognises something aint right early..In truth I recognised all the signs early and I ignored them (for various reasons which I have mentioned before). How many others on this thread did the same thing?

 

Yes its very hard being in a relationship with someone BPD and then getting through the aftermath of the breakup as you see them become more and more irrational and down right crazy. But we have to take accountability for ever getting involved in the first place and we have to make sure we fix our own personal issues, so that we never get involved with an emotionally unhealthy person again.

 

I also agree with the point that its important not to judge people. Yes BPDers have a nasty vicious side. Yes they know how to hurt and leave a trail of destruction. Yes they don't understand or grasp what their true problems are. Yes they are delusional, gaslighting creatures, but my god you have to have been through so much in life to be that messed up.

 

My two cents, To gain proper closure from a BPDer is to 1) fix yourself and 2) forgive your ex. Only then can you really let the baggage go and enter a new relationship with genuine positivity...No point in ending up bitter like them. Blaming like them, playing the victim like them...Choose a better wiser path for yourself..

[Mack05]

Something that people with BPD do is "warping reality" and "projection".

 

So they attempt to "warp reality", making things seem as if it's all your fault, when in truth it's not. They also tend to project their own behavior onto you, while in truth you've never done anything remotely of the sort.

 

They also tend to get inappropriately angry and go into BPD rages. So you then face their anger and hatred for something that other people wouldn't even get angry about.

 

What is also painful is that they tend to blame you for things you've never said or done.

 

You will find yourself in many paradoxical situations as people with BPD tend to create many misunderstandings, misinterpretations and misconceptions. And they tend to contradict themselves almost constantly. Constant hypocrisy also tends to be part of their behavior and the arguments they provide during discussions are often nonsensical to people without BPD.

 

Apart from that they can have a dependency on alcohol or drugs and be hyper-sexual. So sometimes you'll face their BPD in combination with them being drunk or high. The hyper-sexuality can be a problem if they're not honest or loyal.

 

And last but not least there are the games they play and the silent treatments. They can get angry over things that aren't even part of reality, so you can then face silent treatments from them for no apparent reason.

 

Warping, projection, inappropriate anger and blaming you for things that you never said or did can really mess with your mind.

 

No good deed of yours will go unpunished, no kind words will be without a painful backlash.

 

It becomes extra damaging if you're in love with that person and don't know they have BPD. Then you start doubting yourself and blaming yourself.

 

It's a terrible experience which can be traumatizing for a partner or people around them.

 

I don't hate people with BPD, but I'm opposed to those that don't get therapy for it and I'm especially opposed to those that keep their disorder silent to their SO and to the people they damage. In such cases you then don't even know what hit you. In such cases you then start blaming yourself, because that is what they try to indoctrinate you with, that it's all your fault. And if you don't know they have BPD and you're in love with them, then you're prone to sometimes believe them.

 

That whole package can be destructive, draining and traumatizing.

 

Great post. I think its sums up a BPD relationship to a tee...

[carhill]

OP, here's a thread you might wish to read:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/332536-i-feel-so-numb-lost-i-want-recover-but-have-no-idea-where-start

 

Also, search past postings of member 'Downtown', who was married to a person with dx'd BPD.

 

I will say, from experience, such a person can be difficult to love. I have consistent contact with someone with dx'd BP#2 who displays personality characteristics of BPD but is not formally dx'd and it's really tough to determine whether I'm getting Jeckyl or Hyde that day. Since she's the wife of a friend I can't just 'terminate' her. The difficult part is that she'll be kind and loving one minute and ugly the next. I call it 'the sky is blue' syndrome, based on an actual event. Like Downtown said, the behaviors are or can be controlled and the ugliness can disappear in an instant like it was never there.

[Mack05]

Speaking of warping and distortions...

 

BPD'ers may say something to you or act-out in ways they sense will provoke you into reacting. However nobody else will know or understand what catalyst they used to provoke you. So YOU end up looking like the crazy one! Needless to say, even your friends and family might see your partner as charismatic, adorable, kind and generous--and you're then viewed as the nut, who can't appreciate him/her.

 

A BPD's false-self mask is well developed. What this means is, stuff goes on behind closed doors (with you), that others in their social or professional life never see. Their therapist often isn't even aware of their damaging behaviors. A Borderline's public persona can increase your confusion, because you've observed a degree of normalcy at times, which runs contrary to your private experiences with them!

 

A borderline may act respectable and responsible in their outer world, but volatile at home. The mask they wear has them suppressing difficult feelings, to keep up appearances. Repression always magnifies emotions and acting-out behaviors are then greatly amplified.

 

Unfortunately, often the SO becomes the scapegoat for their rage. The one the one they are supposed to protect, the one they are supposed to love most.

 

NOBODY! Nobody can know how it is to face someone with BPD unless you've faced them yourself.

 

Not many people will believe or understand you either. Try explaining the most hurtful thing to your friends. Forget about it!

 

Heart thanks for stopping by this thread. I agree with every single word you have said. That was the crazy part for me. How normal and cool they look in public. How normal their opinions are on many topics. How logically sound their advise is (when they are not emotional).

 

The biggest lesson I have learnt is that if its too good to be true then it is. A beautiful exotic girl, who has beaten the odds from a terribly tough childhood. Really cool, good career, hyper sexual and best of all completely digs you (certainly at the beginning)..

 

You think you have won the lottery (especially when she originally wanted to hook up with a chick while you watch hahahahahaha)...From now on its up to all of us to really scratch the surface and if you see the red flags, have the faith and belief in yourself to say NO and save yourself a lot of heartbreak and trauma down the line..I haven't dated in a year. I have had 3 girls wanting to date me and I saw things early doors that concerned me and weren't within my personal boundaries, so I politely declined.

 

Its better to be single and to focus on your flaws, then it is to dive back in..If it happens for me great, but I wont put myself in the position where the odds of a long term successful relationship are not strong from the get go.

Edited January 15, 2013 by Mack05

[aMguilts]

I just love allthe points raised about BPD and all the suffering that comes with `living` with a person with it!!

Do this, do that.

 

If it`s too good to be true than it is??

Too good to be true?

or isn`t?

 

Either way you look at it , its the way you look at it?

 

Something i`ve been looking into a lot lately is the way we all interact with each other.

people that are sad tend to attract others that are sad?

people that are happy tend to attract others that are happy?

 

I dunno, i am starting to think it`s not the mood you are in , it`s your overview of it all?

Heard the expression ` opposites attract"? . NO, they don`t.

We are all drawn to the same.

You are sad?, you will get on better with someone that is sad than you will with someone that is happy.

Your happy, vice versa.

As humans we tend to `reach` out to others humans that we can `help`

 

Stop comparing BPD like it`s a disease!!!

 

You know this you know that?

 

 

aM

[Emilia]

You hit the nail on its head with that reply SG, sentence after sentence.

 

Disagree. It's her projections on BPDs and it's not my experience at all. As I keep saying, BPD doesn't define the person, each sufferer is different. You can't say 'they are all like this or they are all like that'. Nothing more than projection and poor understanding of their deepest motive which is immense anxiety and fear of abandonment.

[NoMoreJerks]

Mack05, I don't know, to be honest.. healthy people can still FALL for people with BPD/NPD, since the symptoms are not very obvious from the start. I fell in love with mine about 2 months into the relationship and at first things were good. Sure there were issues, but I assumed they were normal issues that come up when you are dating / in a relationship. By the time I realized that there WAS a problem, it was too late. I had already fallen in love with him, and wanted to make it work, tried blaming myself for it, tried changing my behaviour because I thought *I* was the problem. That's how good he was at gaslighting. I really think that ANYONE, just ANYONE can fall into such relationships and be unable to get out of it. Now, some people are unable to get out of it for years, and that may say something about THEM , but the fact that we got into the relationship and stayed in it for some time, does not say anything about us. I do think I have a streak of co-dependency in me, but i still think that just about anyone would fall for these people. If his claims were true, he had had 4 long-term partners in the past 20 years (he's 40).. each relationship lasting 4-5 years.. If he was the same way that he was with me, then those people lasted for 4-5 years when I couldn't last for 6 months. I am not the type of person who accepts/puts up with sh*tty behaviour for very long, at least not without having something to say about it. That's why he couldn't last very long with me, and devalued me. I had exposed him for what he was, and he couldn't have an easy time manipulating me.

Edited January 15, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[revitup]

This is one great thread.I have never felt so normal as when I read the stories of the other sufferers here.The way they express the feelings and experiences from their nightmare is exactly the same as I have felt and experienced.

 

I personally believe I will be much stronger from having "survived" this nightmare (18 yrs) .It was an experience that has to change you in one way or another.

 

If it weren't for the fact that I have always read inspirational and self-help books and sought the wisdom of the Bible as well,I would have been mentally,financially,emotionally and physically destroyed by this woman.I have always been a motivational trainer or sales trainer,this is why I sought the best of books and thinking from those who have mastered the art of motivation and positive thinking.

 

The Road Less Traveled (mentioned in a thread here) was a book I read many years before meeting my STBXWW.That book was a Godsend and I didn't even realize it until now.Many other "self-help" books have also prepared me for what has happened in my life with this woman.I am so grateful that she is gone,it is the best thing that has ever happened to me in 20 years.If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would be happier without her,I would have laughed in your face!There was actually a fear inside me that I would never be the "man" I could be,without her in my life.This is laughable now as I look back.I really can't explain what has happened in my thinking,except to say that time alone has been worth a fortune.

 

If I only lived a week without her in my life and then I died,it would be better than living a hundred more years with her torture.I wish I had found this site 15 years ago.I am so grateful to have found you people.

 

My DD14 is a great blessing which has came out of this "marriage" and that has made it worth it all.Other than her and my new courage and strength,I see no benefit at all from the relationship.

 

I see now that the whole time this was simply a game to her,a game that only she could win.It was like the Carnival,it is a sucker bet.The appearance of a chance to win is always just a little bit further down the road.When you get close it simply moved a bit further.It's been like the Donkey with a stick tied to his head with a carrot dangling just in front of his face.The Donkey (me) just keeps walking forward,thinking this might be the day it all "gets good again",only to be blindsided time and again.

 

Yes we all are a part of the problem,in that we chose these people in the first place.It is just that the people we chose were in disguise.I feel like it was a trap and that it is really all her fault now!!!Some may not like that,but it sure beats the 18 years of blaming myself!I figure that since I took (willingly) the blame for all problems for 18 yrs,I can say she was to blame for the next 18 years.That way we will be even.

[bpdr]

I just love allthe points raised about BPD and all the suffering that comes with `living` with a person with it!!

Do this, do that.

 

Stop comparing BPD like it`s a disease!!!

 

You know this you know that?

 

 

aM

 

aM, if it looks like a duck - quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck...

 

Odds are - it is a duck. I cannot possibly disagree with your assertion on how similar personalities attract - that said, I disagree with this PD Trait NOT being a disease. If such a condition cannot be effectively diagnosed and treated to that afflicted individual - or acknowledged by that same individual that they indeed have the affliction, or worse yet accept that something is indeed wrong? How then might it be treated?

 

In other words - how can there be a problem? When in fact the afflicted see that there is NO PROBLEM? That's a disease that needs clarification.

 

The problem here - is that MOST of these individuals afflicted see nothing is wrong. That's why therapists recommend that YOU do not inform them of what may be going on with them. That is perhaps the very most frustrating part and dilemma a NON can face. How to help? Someone you truly care and love??? How can this be??? It's perplexing at best - frustrating at it's core.

 

Perhaps - it is not a disease that harms or maims like cancer. However, the insidious nature of this curse is far more powerfully destructive to others close to the person afflicted and most are seemingly unaware of the detrimental side effects of being involved with a PD disordered mate, or spouse. I do not profess to know more than any other on this subject, but I am an individual that survived the most destructive relationship I have ever known. I am not kidding you when I say that.

 

To my way of thinking after such an experience - I would consider myself crazy for not believing that this is in fact a mental disease, that has no cure. It's destructive nature - is NOTHING to minimize. It's powerful seductive nature - makes it insidious, and it's prolonged effect on the soul is notable. People whom entertain these devils for extended periods of time are subjecting themselves to harsh, cruel and very destructive punishment.

 

They are in love with this person. They trust this person, yet this person is manipulating them - and they cannot even see what is happening to them. What's worse - is the PD's ability to alienate the victim from their friends, family and others from their circle. They become isolated, distant and always walking on eggshells in fear of upsetting the BPD partner. No, this is not a sickness - as I once thought it to be.

 

It is a disease - that cannot be cured, UNLESS the afflicted BPD person recognizes that they do indeed have an issue. Until then, and until that moment of enlightenment occurs to the PD trait individual - nothing can be done to aid or help them. Release is the only antidote for the NON PD.

 

Sadly, that is all that can really be done to rectify the folly. And that's what it is...a horrible mistake in loving someone - whom refuses to get help.

 

A DISEASE.

[Star Gazer]

Nothing more than projection and poor understanding of their deepest motive which is immense anxiety and fear of abandonment.

 

Who cares what their motives are if they're abusing people? Their victims should still stick around, because they have motives that aren't intentionally malicious? HA!

[revitup]

BPDr's motives?

 

Their motives are to have their way,no matter who they hurt getting it,including themselves and their loved ones.

 

Fire doesn't have a motive....it just burns you if you get too close.

[aMguilts]

don`t geese `quack` or is it more of a `honk`?

or is that a swan?

Thinking about it, swans more `hoot` don`t they?

 

Do BPD`ers HAVE a motive?

They really `plan` to go out and cause as much destruction in their lives as possible?

somehow, i don`t think so

Maybe they are just more intelligent than the rest and can`t help feeling that sometimes the things they say or do are taken the wrong way and are as such `given a label` and that makes them misunderstood and so have to try to explain themselves more???

 

aM