Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[Anela]

She does not know enough about my ex to tell me what he is or is not. Having read all the DSM-IV criteria for BPD, my ex VERY NEATLY fits into it all (minus the wrist-cutting/suicide threats -- not sure if he felt suicidal though, I think he did, at some point, but not sure if he still does). Just because YOU don't think my ex was BPD, does not mean people are just attributing their exes' dickish behaviour to BPD just to feel "good" about themselves. THere is nothing better about attributing these behaviours to BPD, compared to merely attributing it to them being an assh*le. It makes me feel better to think that he was doing it with the full realization that he was hurting me, because it demonizes him in my eyes even more. Why would I even want to "diagnose" him as BPD, unless he really truly jawdroppingly fits the description in the diagnostics manual , right down to a t?? You are not making much sense. Just because some people rush to diagnose every little thing as a disorder, and come up with new names for it, does not mean that I am doing so. You do not even know half the story, and yet you are dismissing my claims. So now , all of a sudden, YOU are the know-it-all about this disorder, not to mention, knowing everything about my ex and what he did to me?

 

What is scaring you about the posts in this thread is that , contrary to your desire, people will no longer shut up about the treatment they received at the hands of their BPD and/or NPD partners. You want them to wallow in their misery in silence, while BDPers go about playing the victim role, even making use of their diagnosis as someone with a "disorder" to earn bonus victimhood points. Wow, just wow. Yes, that is why you find this thread scary. What did you expect, people saying that BPDers are great, that they really can be "cured"? We are just telling it as it is. But BPDers never like hearing the truth.

 

So you're telling me that I'm BPD, even though that most likely isn't the case?? Wow, thanks. *I* was empathizing with you, too, but you've just decided that I can't see the truth about myself, even though I know how I feel, and what my experiences have been? Like getting beaten up by my sister? And my mother threatening to hit me over a missing bottle of whiskey? I was thrown out for defending myself against my sister and her creeper husband, but I'm the one with the problem?

 

It scared me, because I was afraid that it was possible that I might be BPD. MIGHT BE. Although, I've actually been scapegoated, because my mother doesn't want to lose my sister. And nobody likes the thought of being ditched, let alone isolated, all because someone has decided that they're possessed.

 

I wish I'd kept to my decision to stay away from the thread. See you around, NMJ.

[NoMoreJerks]

And nobody likes the thought of being ditched, let alone isolated, all because someone has decided that they're possessed.

Um, who claimed that BPDers are possessed? Only some people who I claimed were just as crazy as BPDers.... I in fact pointed out that this argument was ridiculous. However, that does not mean that BPDers are not incredibly selfish, messed up, and wreck people's lives without any consideration whatsoever.

[Mme. Chaucer]

NMJ - are you familiar with "splitting"? It's what you do with regards to the guy you dated irregularly, not exclusively (on his side, anyway) when he happened to be in your town off and on, for a 5 month period, who you refer to as your "ex". It's true love, or it's total villainization. One or the other, no middle ground.

 

A hallmark of BPD.

 

When you agreed to troll a lesbian bar for a threesome partner so you wouldn't loose this jerk? THAT was manipulative of YOU, can you see that? You were trying to manipulate him into wanting to be with you by pretending to be what you felt that he wanted. THAT is the type of manipulation that people with BPD do.

 

Your reaction to rejection, and to people not seeing eye to eye with you? More BPD traits right there.

 

I'm not saying you have this disorder. But from your detailed descriptions of your unfortunate fling with this guy, you seem to have more of the traits than he does.

 

It's hard to take, frankly, how dismissive you are towards the several people on this thread with personal experience with this disorder in your perplexing zeal to diagnose a guy you knew for a very short time and outside of his regular life.

 

He sounds like a jerk and a user who felt like taking advantage of you.

[NoMoreJerks]

Oh, lovely -- now I get accused of being BPD. That's rich. Well, I hate to break it to you, but I already DID consider that possibility, long long long before you mentioned it. And yes, I also over-analyze myself, just as I over-analyze others and situations, and I do not fit most of the criteria of BPD. Unlike my ex. But from the very start, you always wanted to absolve my ex of any responsibility for any problems in the relationship, so I am not surprised that you "hit back" with this. A new low for you, but not surprising.

 

I am not villainizing him. He already did that by his behaviour and disrespect for me, and the crazy sh*t he pulled on me. I am just telling it as it is. I never said he was the most perfect guy ever. Even when I started off with him, I saw some red flags, but I attributed those to his bad experiences with his exes, and I wanted to give him a chance, and he was, by and large, very nice at the start. None of this crazy manipulative/control freak/sexual promiscuity situations that came up later on. The fact that I can admit to the fact that he was nice at the start, but that he changed, does not mean I'm "splitting." He was nice at the start. That is how NPDers/BPDers generally are: charmers. Read countless people's experiences with these people. If they weren't that way, no one would ever fall into their trap to begin with.

 

THAT was manipulative of YOU, can you see that? You were trying to manipulate him into wanting to be with you by pretending to be what you felt that he wanted. THAT is the type of manipulation that people with BPD do.

Nope. I did not manipulate him. I told him I did not want to do it. It was my "internal" logic that made me do it (not any attempt at manipulating him) - but most importantly, it was the fact that he did not want to see me "unless" I went to pick up a girl from the bar. I was not "manipulating" him. HE had made it clear that he did not want to see me otherwise, and HE was manipulating me into doing it, because HE KNEW I had feelings for him, and he was using that to his advantage. And yes, I did it because I had feelings for him and didn't want to lose him. I wasn't trying to get him to feel attracted to me by doing a threesome. Not at all. I almost wanted to vomit every time I thought about it, and would not want a man to feel attracted to me BECAUSE I am doing a threesome.

 

Your reaction to rejection, and to people not seeing eye to eye with you? More BPD traits right there.

Really? My reacton to rejection is the same as everyone's reaction to rejction on this forum. No worse. In fact, I have dealt with this break-up, and all that he has done, considering that it was my first relationship ever, and considering that I don't even have anyone to tell some of this stuff to (including my family and my friends, who do NOT know that I lost my virginity to this guy), really well. I am a strong person, and I have not even caved and texted him, in the past month, unlike many of the people here, who start numerous threads every day, whining about how they cannot stick to NC. How hard can it be? Yes, it's painful, but I can take the pain -- no problem. I am used to it. I have been lonely for a long time now, and I survived that -- he wasn't around back then, and I won't curl up and die if he's not around. A hallmark of BPDers is that they can never be lonely. They always crave the attention, they like feeling needed all the time. Typically my ex. Explains his frequent trips to Thailand. He even told me, much later, that he did it because he liked the attention he got from the women there, which he didn't get back home / in Western countries. He hated Canada in particular, because none of the women pined for him, appreciated him, etc.

 

Was it not a relationship , in his eyes? Maybe, maybe not. Who the hell knows, and who the hell cares. He was using me for companionship and sex -- who cares what I call him -- an ex or a f*ck-buddy or whatever. That doesn't change the fact that he was abusive and manipulative to the extreme, and pulled some seriously mind-boggling sh*t on me. I mean, I have seen some bizarre behaviours from people over the years, but none as bizarre and mind-boggling as some of the behaviours he demonstrated. Even now, I am finding stuff that happened , that I shrugged off back then, and that can now be explained SO WELL by the fact that he is NPD-BPD. It's pretty impressive, how all the pieces of the puzzle are now fitting together.

Edited January 21, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

Fact of the matter is: HE kept breaking up with me. HE kept sending me those emails "looks like we're finished" (he had a template in his drafts folder, I think -- because it was ALWAYS THE SAME WORDING), only to wait for me to beg him to take me back, and if I didn't -- to come crawling back and pretending like nothing had happened. When I described the first break-up as a, well, break-up, he denied that we had ever broken up... He claimed it was just a mutually agreed-upon break. This was after I told him to get the f*ck out of my life (accusing him of using me for his sexual fantasies, and then discarding me like an object every time he didn't feel like talking tom e), after he broke up with me for not responding to his text promptly enough, and for telling him to have a good trip a day before his trip , rather than the day of, because he sounded like he did not want to talk to me , and after I begged him to take me back and he did.... I really don't see how you can even say that anything *I* did here, remotely resembles anything that a BPDer would do. Sure, I begged, I could not let go of him , but that is stuff that almost everyone here has done, in reaction to being dumped. Actually, one of my really close friends (a guy), saw me crying my head off at university, half an hour after my ex had dumped me (the first time around), and he asked me what was going on. WHen I told him about the break-up and about some of the stuff that my ex had done (did not even mention the threesome thing), and that he had taken me back after I begged him but had refused to talk to me on the phone because I wanted to hear his voice, my friend urged me to please dump this guy because he was a walking-talking disaster and a mess / had issues/ some sort of disorder (my friend called him "schizophrenic").. which is what I did. It was probably the hardest thing I'd ever done, and no, I did not expect him to come back, nor did I do it as a way to manipulate him -- I cried my heart out, didn't eat anything for days, and didn't expect him to come back to me at all.

 

When we were together: If I texted him too little -- he'd get upset. If I texted him too much, he'd get upset. I understand that too much contact can get on someone's nerves, but I hardly was needy and hardly texted him "too much" (a few texts a day). I hardly made any demands of him to text me or text me back, or to call me. Also, getting upset for texting him too little? Accusing me of giving him the silent treatment because I didn't text him "enough" on a particular day? Being passive aggressive, and making remarks, like, "my co-worker is in your city, why don't you meet up with him for sex?"? Accusing me of being in bed with another man if I didn't text him early enough in the morning? Criticizing me for not putting the coffee on in the morning? Making me walk on eggshells all the time? Complaining that I never suggested a restaurant to have dinner at (I did, but he shot down ALL of my suggestions, which is why I stopped suggesting anything in the first place... Then, when I started suggesting stuff again, he went on shooting down ALL of my suggestions, ANY time that I made them? To the point where it was CLEAR that he wanted me to make suggestions just SO THAT he would feel in control by shooting them down, and making the decision himself? That's normal behaviour to you? No, he was not JUST a jerk (contrary to what I thought). I thought that too, at the start, but this behaviour is mind-boggling. Jerks do not act that way. THis sh*t is beyond anything a jerk would do. The thing is, this last break-up? I know why he dumped me, for the most part. He had promised (for more than a month) that he would come visit me over Christmas, for 2 weeks. He had promised to come, he said it was a SURE THING. Then, he blew me off last minute. He knew I would get mad. He didn't want to face any criticism. I mean, I didn't even criticize him or anything, but the fact that he even PERCEIVED the possibility of criticism, meant that he would run for the hills. This is NOT normal behaviour -- not even typical jerk behaviour. Not to mention, the constant gaslighting, the projection (down to the last text that he sent me -- accusing me of being selfish, being clingy, being needy, being an attention whore, everything nasty that you can find in the English vocabulary).. Of course - he was discarding me, after he had devalued me sufficiently. And now he is wondering why -- the great guy that he is, I am not contacting him. Even volunteered his whereabouts to me, when he had told me previously that it was none of my business.... This sh*t is mind-boggling, and would be funny if it weren't so tragic. I dont' know whether to feel sorry for him or to hate him, to be honest. One thing that I DO know: i do not want to be with him, or to see him, or to hear his voice, or to hear his name again. Ever. That is all. But maybe that's too much to ask for, because, again, it's ALL about him, even now, after he hurt me so much and said so many mean things to me, and DUMPED ME..... It's still all about his needs.......

 

Truth be told, I felt sorry for him, and the only reason I would have been tempted to text him back, was out of pity. Luckily, I stopped myself from doing it, though. I admittedly have co-dependency issues, and have a care-taker personality, and you know what sets me apart from him and his BPD ilk? I admit to my problems and shortcomings, and work on them, no matter how painful it is to admit that you have problems, and no matter how painful it is to let go of someone when you are co-dependent. I force myself to do it. I am stronger than most of the people here, and I am proud of myself for what I've done in the past month, especially considering that my self-esteem was in the dumps thanks to him.

Edited January 21, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[revitup]

REVITUP Update 2/2/2013

 

STBXWW BPDr calls me this morning.My DD14 has blocked her from calling her number and now STBXWW has called me to try and find out why DD14 isn't talking to her anymore.This should not be a mystery to STBXWW as she has been awful to my daughter and has neglected her.

 

It seems that STBXWW BPDr has broken up with her new man and is coming down from lala land.STBXWW says that it is wrong for me to have blocked her from calling or texting DD14's new number.She says that I have done her wrong in keeping my DD14 from having contact with her.She tried to fake some alligator tears but that didn't even come across as genuine.

 

I am doing what my DD14 asked me to do,as well as following the advice of Law enforcement and Psych doctors who have examined and had several therapy sessions with my DD14.They all have strongly advised us to sever ALL contact with this woman.It seems they are all wrong and I am the whole problem according to the STBXWW.

 

BPDr is a victim again I guess.She seems to have now lost me to PROJECT on and is lost.I think she told me she isn't dating now in order to test the waters a little.I could not care less if she is dating or what she is doing.She is a nobody to me.I respect the fact that she is the mother to my child.That can't be changed.

 

STBXWW is saying she could win a battle in court,I told her to get it on!She has an excuse for everything that she has done wrong.She left our daughter alone all night....because she fell asleep watching a movie.She denied our daughter medical attention three times for "cutting"..... because she was giving her time to think.She had nude pictures of Craigslist men on her cell phone, which she showed to DD14.......because she only did it once on C/L.The list goes on and on.

 

I am in uncharted waters here now.I have no idea what the BPDr does when they have nobody to "project" their problems on anymore.

 

Do any of you here have any idea as to what might be her next move?I know BPDr's are unpredictable but if you have any thoughts please share them with me so that I might be able to prepare.

 

REVITUP

[KathyM]

REVITUP Update 2/2/2013

 

STBXWW BPDr calls me this morning.My DD14 has blocked her from calling her number and now STBXWW has called me to try and find out why DD14 isn't talking to her anymore.This should not be a mystery to STBXWW as she has been awful to my daughter and has neglected her.

 

It seems that STBXWW BPDr has broken up with her new man and is coming down from lala land.STBXWW says that it is wrong for me to have blocked her from calling or texting DD14's new number.She says that I have done her wrong in keeping my DD14 from having contact with her.She tried to fake some alligator tears but that didn't even come across as genuine.

 

I am doing what my DD14 asked me to do,as well as following the advice of Law enforcement and Psych doctors who have examined and had several therapy sessions with my DD14.They all have strongly advised us to sever ALL contact with this woman.It seems they are all wrong and I am the whole problem according to the STBXWW.

 

BPDr is a victim again I guess.She seems to have now lost me to PROJECT on and is lost.I think she told me she isn't dating now in order to test the waters a little.I could not care less if she is dating or what she is doing.She is a nobody to me.I respect the fact that she is the mother to my child.That can't be changed.

 

STBXWW is saying she could win a battle in court,I told her to get it on!She has an excuse for everything that she has done wrong.She left our daughter alone all night....because she fell asleep watching a movie.She denied our daughter medical attention three times for "cutting"..... because she was giving her time to think.She had nude pictures of Craigslist men on her cell phone, which she showed to DD14.......because she only did it once on C/L.The list goes on and on.

 

I am in uncharted waters here now.I have no idea what the BPDr does when they have nobody to "project" their problems on anymore.

 

Do any of you here have any idea as to what might be her next move?I know BPDr's are unpredictable but if you have any thoughts please share them with me so that I might be able to prepare.

 

REVITUP

I can't predict the future. I'm guessing your ex will probably go to court to get forced visitation with your daughter. She would probably win that court case, unless it can be proven that contact with the mother would be seriously harmful to your daughter's emotional well being. The court may also decide to order supervised visitation if they feel the experience would be negative if unsupervised. I don't think there's much you can do to prevent your ex from getting some form of visitation. My older sister's ex was a horrible man, abusive to her and her daughter, and he still managed to get supervised visitation. Try not to make your daughter a pawn in this dispute with your ex. Your ex may be a lousy mother, but she does have rights as the mother. She will probably sue for visitation is my guess. As far as projecting her problems, she'll latch onto some other man and continue the same pattern with him (idealizing and then devaluing), emotional reactivity and instability, etc. )

[revitup]

I agree mostly,except that the psych docs (4 total) have said ZERO Contact,supervised or not!

 

Judges and psych docs are different and that is the wildcard here.There is no way that the doctors will agree to the supervised visitation but the judges (if applicable) will probably force it.The good thing is that STBXWW BPDr is 5 hours away and really doesn't care about spending any money to make it happen.The case would be expensive and the psych evaluation on her would be too painful and revealing.

 

I see her trying to use a PR campaign from a distance or something underhanded to destroy me.She is calling DD14 a liar to me about the facts that have now came to light.DD14 had no reason to lie and I nor anyone else sees her lying in this thing.STBXWW doesn't dispute anything I or DD14 have said (not specifically) she just says "you are lying".When asked what I or DD14 have lied about,the conversation ends and the call is disconnected.Normal behavior for STBXWW is to take a shot or veiled accusation about me or DD14 and then run away while others ponder the meaning.

 

I will not answer any of her calls if she calls again soon.I do believe she will be in a relationship with someone to project on soon.It appears that she has to have that at all times.

 

Does this mean that she will forget me as a target or will just have more than one person to blame for her awful life and past?

I hope she will just find a new man quickly and forget how I am the problem.It seemed that she was trying to draw me back into her spell again and couldn't get there today.I wonder if I should make it even clearer to her that I am detached and unavailable forever more to her.I have made it quite clear that I am the happiest that I have been in many years.

 

I will just leave it alone and live my life today and tomorrow.

 

Maybe many years from now there will be a new poster on here and I can help him to overcome the devastating effects of my STBXWW!He can just read my posts here and know her next move in advance.

 

REVITUP

[KathyM]

I agree mostly,except that the psych docs (4 total) have said ZERO Contact,supervised or not!

 

Judges and psych docs are different and that is the wildcard here.There is no way that the doctors will agree to the supervised visitation but the judges (if applicable) will probably force it.The good thing is that STBXWW BPDr is 5 hours away and really doesn't care about spending any money to make it happen.The case would be expensive and the psych evaluation on her would be too painful and revealing.

 

I see her trying to use a PR campaign from a distance or something underhanded to destroy me.She is calling DD14 a liar to me about the facts that have now came to light.DD14 had no reason to lie and I nor anyone else sees her lying in this thing.STBXWW doesn't dispute anything I or DD14 have said (not specifically) she just says "you are lying".When asked what I or DD14 have lied about,the conversation ends and the call is disconnected.Normal behavior for STBXWW is to take a shot or veiled accusation about me or DD14 and then run away while others ponder the meaning.

 

I will not answer any of her calls if she calls again soon.I do believe she will be in a relationship with someone to project on soon.It appears that she has to have that at all times.

 

Does this mean that she will forget me as a target or will just have more than one person to blame for her awful life and past?

I hope she will just find a new man quickly and forget how I am the problem.It seemed that she was trying to draw me back into her spell again and couldn't get there today.I wonder if I should make it even clearer to her that I am detached and unavailable forever more to her.I have made it quite clear that I am the happiest that I have been in many years.

 

I will just leave it alone and live my life today and tomorrow.

 

Maybe many years from now there will be a new poster on here and I can help him to overcome the devastating effects of my STBXWW!He can just read my posts here and know her next move in advance.

 

REVITUP

I would suggest you keep conversations with her to the absolute minimum and only as they relate to visitation with your daughter. She will probably sue for visitation if you don't allow her to have it.

[revitup]

Kathy,STBXWW will HAVE to sue and I will force the issue.It could be that one day a miracle would occur and this woman may recover.Other than a clean bill of mental health from a Psych Dr,I will not relent.

 

I would not let a stranger be alone with my daughter with 10% of the issues the STBXWW has,why should I allow the STBXWW anything different?STBXWW won't fight this at all.There was a time that she would have jumped in front of a train for our daughter,that time (due to STBXWW"S mental situation) has disappeared,I believe for good.

 

If STBXWW will go to a Psych Doc and get a clean bill of health,I will allow supervised and limited visitation.Other than that,no visitation and no contact.

 

This BPD thing is different than a simple WW,this is designed to hurt everyone around the STBXWW,she simply does not care.I am simply being a protector again.This time for the right reasons.

 

REVITUP

[M30USA]

It was a profound realization for me to find out that not everybody wants to have peaceful relationships with others. People with BPD actually feed off of chaos and conflict. Their goals are entirely different and therefore you can't reconcile or make peace with them. They don't even want to.

[Mack05]

It was a profound realization for me to find out that not everybody wants to have peaceful relationships with others. People with BPD actually feed off of chaos and conflict. Their goals are entirely different and therefore you can't reconcile or make peace with them. They don't even want to.

 

yep.......

[aMguilts]

WHO¬S thread IS this???

 

I thought `surely` it could possibly the thread starters, i.e ataloss??

 

NOW everyone seems to have a `dip` in

#

Mods?

you taking heed of this?

 

You are QUICK enough to start on ME when i say something threadunrelated.

 

 

#

aM