Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[GuyInLimbo]

I am feeling better today after talking with my councler about my concerns about BPD. She told me that yes I have most of the traits that coincide with the disorder, but she doesn't feel that I am BPD. She feels that I do have a lot of PTSD from my childhood that I need to work hard on to overcome, and that the way our sessions are going she see that I am being to remember, relive, and overcome past events from my past that I have locked out of my memory for years. (It definitely is hard to relive the past when you don't even remember it, and its slowly comes back piece by piece) She also said our sessions are to comfortable for her and she doesn't get the vibe from me that she would with someone with this disorder. And that I am way to self aware about my short coming and I accept them, which someone WITH BPD would never be able to do.

 

I'm feeling a lot better about things now. I feel that I am on the road to becoming a mentally healthy individual .

 

That's great news!!!! A lot of therapists won't even take on people with BPD. Mine has been practicing for, sheesh, maybe 30+ years and is a professor. He told me during one of my sessions when I was involved with my nightmare that he can't take them on because of the difficulties involved (there's little in the way of "curing" them) and refers them to someone willing to specialize in it.

[Mack05]

 

When they get tired of the drama and BS of their life, they will look inward and try to clean up their own mess

 

I dont agree with this. I don't think a BPD sufferer has the ability to do truly look inward for numerous reasons. As my ex says rinse, lather, repeat. Instead they just keep repeating negative patterns. This inevitably results in playing the victim and blaming anyone but themselves. They live in a world of delusion and denial..Some people are broken and you cant fix them.

 

My ex always blames crappy guys, they either cheat or let her down. Therefore she feels they are 100% at fault and she is the innocent victim. True some did cheat, but she never focuses on her behaviours. She never focuses on the 'why' she makes bad choice after bad choice. She will simply never understand because she does not have the ability to look inward..

Edited January 7, 2013 by Mack05

[CptSaveAho]

I dont agree with this. I don't think a BPD sufferer has the ability to do truly look inward for numerous reasons. As my ex says rinse, lather, repeat. Instead they just keep repeating negative patterns. This inevitably results in playing the victim and blaming anyone but themselves. They live in a world of delusion and denial..Some people are broken and you cant fix them.

 

My ex always blames crappy guys, they either cheat or let her down. Therefore she feels they are 100% at fault and she is the innocent victim. True some did cheat, but she never focuses on her behaviours. She never focuses on the 'why' she makes bad choice after bad choice. She will simply never understand because she does not have the ability to look inward..

 

Just because your ex doesnt want to be happy, doesnt mean others want to continuously live miserable lives.

 

There are good "BPD"ers that figured things out and live normal happy lives.

 

Stop trying to fix people. Don't be me (Captain Save a Ho).

 

If I reach into a barrel of apples and grab a bad one, why would I want to eat it when there is a possibility if i put the apple back, I will get a good one. It doesnt make sense and thats what people do in these relationships, eat the bad apple.... and then COMPLAIN how bad that bad apple made them sick... really?

 

People are so desperate not to be alone that they settle for bad apples...this includes victims of BPDers

Edited January 7, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[CptSaveAho]

And for the record "BPD"ers dont date, enter relationships with "QUALITY" people, they find a reason to get rid of them early on. They know (deep down) they are not worthy of them. The classic line "You are too good for me, why are you here with me?" That person is telling you to dump them

 

Idiots and losers are the ones that hang around enter relationships with them and torture themselves. It's why in their own deluded mind, they don't owe you an apology because you inherently asked for the punishment for sticking around.

[Mack05]

Just because your ex doesnt want to be happy, doesnt mean others want to continuously live miserable lives.

 

There are good "BPD"ers that figured things out and live normal happy lives.

 

Stop trying to fix people. Don't be me (Captain Save a Ho).

 

If I reach into a barrel of apples and grab a bad one, why would I want to eat it when there is a possibility if i put the apple back, I will get a good one. It doesnt make sense and thats what people do in these relationships, eat the bad apple.... and then COMPLAIN how bad that bad apple made them sick... really?

 

People are so desperate not to be alone that they settle for bad apples...this includes victims of BPDers

 

I see some of your points. However I know my ex wants to be happy. I don't believe that is the big problem. I also believe she doesn't enter relationships to belittle people and make herself feel good. My ex was amazing when she was happy and when she believed there was a future. I believe this to be genuine.

 

My ex is sad inside and no matter what she does to improve things she can't and won't, until she admits the harsh truth to herself. When she meets a guy there is this initial euphoria. It's like at last! Depending on how compatible personality wise she is with the guy, determines how long this happiness lasts.

 

But no man can be perfect for a long sustained of time and when the honeymoon ends the relationship inevitably hits troubled waters and she can't understand why. Until she resolves the pain inside, until people can talk about her father without her erupting, until she can handle constructive criticism, until she finds peace with her past and peace within herself there is never a relationship that can work. The closest thing she can get to a remotely happy relationship is a guy whose life revolves around her. This however is a 'false' happiness.

 

I for sure could never be a doormat guy. I noticed very early her behaviours were not 'normal' and I began to push pull. I left cause I knew she wasn't an emotionally healthy woman. I came back cause I never believed I could get better. I was sick of being alone. It was when the R was going downhill did her nasty side come out.

 

I think there are complexities of BPD that a non is never going to understand. Fundamentally she is wired in a totally different way. Yes I DID want to help her but this is completely impossible. As you said she is deluded and lives in a different 'world' to me. Her friend helped me see this. I no longer feel the urge to help her. I want to help people (like Downtown, BPDEr, Frisky etc etc ) on this forum that have been victims of a BPD relationship.

 

Detangling from these Relationships is very hard. It's crucial for anyone that's currently just come out if these types of relationships to make sure they never go back. It requires hard work and honesty with yourself.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Mack05

[Emilia]

I think there are complexities of BPD that a non is never going to understand. Fundamentally she is wired in a totally different way. Yes I DID want to help her but this is completely impossible. As you said she is deluded and lives in a different 'world' to me. Her friend helped me see this. I no longer feel the urge to help her. I want to help people (like Downtown, BPDEr, Frisky etc etc ) on this forum that have been victims of a BPD relationship.

 

Detangling from these Relationships is very hard. It's crucial for anyone that's currently just come out if these types of relationships to make sure they never go back. It requires hard work and honesty with yourself.

 

What I realised is that I have codependent tendencies. Downtown opened my eyes to that and I thanked him for it. This is the book that made me realise what was really behind my concern Codependent No More: Stop Controlling Others And Start Caring for Yourself [book]

 

As soon as I started reading it, it clicked how much it was about my desire for control and telling him how to live his life 'helping' him rather than just about compassion.

[Emilia]

they don't owe you an apology because you inherently asked for the punishment for sticking around.

 

Nobody owes you an apology for anything in relationships. We are in them for our own reasons

[Mack05]

What I realised is that I have codependent tendencies. Downtown opened my eyes to that and I thanked him for it. This is the book that made me realise what was really behind my concern Codependent No More: Stop Controlling Others And Start Caring for Yourself [book]

 

As soon as I started reading it, it clicked how much it was about my desire for control and telling him how to live his life 'helping' him rather than just about compassion.

 

Emilia I read that book and completely agree with what you said above. Another book I liked was called 'the enabler'. I think the vast majority of people that have been with a BPDer are either codependent or to a lesser extent a Narcisssist. I am codependent and find it very hard to deal with day to day as codepenency can lead to all types of negative begaviours (for me passive-agressive behaviours, controlling, obsessing, amongst others). It will be something I will need to monitor for he rest of my life. It sucks but that is the hand I was dealt. It's about making the most of your positive attributes and trying to improve the negative ones.

 

I know we are not owed apologies from past relationships but it would be nice for an ex to acknowledge bad behaviours. I always apologised for my mistakes because I feel that's the decent thing to do...

Edited January 7, 2013 by Mack05

[Emilia]

It will be something I will need to monitor for he rest of my life. It sucks but that is the hand I was dealt. It's about making the most of your positive attributes and trying to improve the negative ones.

 

I just feel a sense of freedom for finally getting what it was that hooked me. Until I realised the main issue, I had thought everyone else got it wrong by abandoning people like BPDs and I had it right. I had an alcoholic father so I'm used to dealing with addiction issues in that sense - though having said that I've never dated an addict and never had abusive relationships, just some dysfunctional ones.

 

It feels liberating to be able to hit the nail on the head. To feel that I'm not obligated to be someone's saviour. It was a burden - partly because my BPD ex is also in the armed forces so I had to deal with other types of anxieties too (like his safety)

[CptSaveAho]

The best way to help people on this forum that deal with these types of people are easy

 

1) Personal boundaries - this is what i will and will not tolerate in a relationship (and stick to it no matter what...if someone cheats... im out... if someone hits me, im out)

2) If the relationship ends at any point, walk away, don't go back at any cost

3) stop posting about bpd to people, it doesnt help them but only complicates the healing process

4) help people with closure... closure is as simple as this... the relationship is over... focus on you and continue to move forward... at all costs avoid the ex(NC)

5) understand that people change and fix themselves, but that takes a long time and its usually not worth the wait(years)...

6) stop talking about an ex and past experiences with an ex (downtowns ended years ago but he constantly relives his breakup when he posts so do you Mack)... this isn't healthy

 

I dont disagree with the advice you post though, you've figured it out

[NoMoreJerks]

I always wonder, though, whether these terms (BPD, etc.) are really abused and over-used... just because someone is an assh*le and blames his/her crappy behaviour on his/her past (or implies that they cannot control their behaviour because of what was done to them in the past) does not mean they have some sort of incurable "disorder." Attributing their behaviour to a disorder absolves them of responsibility, which is clearly what such manipulators often desire.. Am I saying that such disorders do not exist? No. But those who attribute their behaviour to their past experiences are often more manipulative than suffering from a disorder.. Unless you consider that someone being manipulative = someone who has a disorder. There are those who have experienced severe trauma, bad experiences, etc. and who do not have disorders. Sure, it might not affect everyone in the same manner, but when someone is consciously arguing that they are not to blame for their behaviour, then I would question whether or not they really suffer from a disorder, or are just using the past (or making up events in the past ) to justify being a d*ck. If you don't know their family, etc., there is no real way of knowing whether they're even telling the truth about what happened to them in the past, is there? This was the case with my ex, who claimed he was mistreated by his exes... who were total bitches to him... was he lying? Probably. I had no way of knowing whether he was telling me the truth or using those lies to establish boundaries about what he would tolerate and what he wouldn't tolerate from a woman, in order to keep me in line.

 

My ex was a manipulator who blamed his d*ckish behaviour on the way his exes had treated him (so he claimed now he would not do anything that a woman asked him to, because if you treat women nicely, they will not appreciate it and will hurt you). But while I am convinced that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, I don't know if much of his behaviour is attributable to his narcissism, or he also is, on top of his narcissism, just an assh*le.. He constantly manipulated me , and did so consciously...

Edited January 7, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[bpdr]

The best way to help people on this forum that deal with these types of people are easy

 

1) Personal boundaries - this is what i will and will not tolerate in a relationship (and stick to it no matter what...if someone cheats... im out... if someone hits me, im out)

2) If the relationship ends at any point, walk away, don't go back at any cost

3) stop posting about bpd to people, it doesnt help them but only complicates the healing process

4) help people with closure... closure is as simple as this... the relationship is over... focus on you and continue to move forward... at all costs avoid the ex(NC)

5) understand that people change and fix themselves, but that takes a long time and its usually not worth the wait(years)...

6) stop talking about an ex and past experiences with an ex (downtowns ended years ago but he constantly relives his breakup when he posts so do you Mack)... this isn't healthy

 

I dont disagree with the advice you post though, you've figured it out

 

Like Mack - my point is pretty simple. There is no point in "Reliving the relationship" - and arguably in some way we are in that each and every one of us here are drawing from our experience to create a knowledge base by which folks who feel like they are beginning to believe that THEY are going crazy are not. Something is wrong - because they do NOT know what the hell is going on in their R -- must in some way be armed with information to make sense of what is really going on.

 

I know it sounds cliche - and how can anyone disagree with you. Afterall - your handle explains it all pretty much. No argument there - as I totally get what you are saying. But, I am well into my 40's - and NEVER KNEW a damned thing about PD's until after I married my W.

 

Seriously - when I say I wish there was a "Rewind" button, rest assured I have learned my lesson here and have no desire to ever entertain another one of these devils for ANY purpose or period of time. They suck. My M is over - and I left it because something was desperately wrong. I just didn't know what exactly was happening. Then our MC targeted my W - and referred HER out to an IC and ONLY then - did I realize ANYTHING about BPD. The reaction of my W sealed the deal - because she then knew "What time it was" - and couldn't face her demons any longer. Game up....

 

After one session - she called the therapists a "Bi*ch and accelerated her attacks within the abusive cycle exponentially. Of course - this was followed by a miscarriage - and plenty of chaos creation, gaslighting, playing victim, projecting guilt, and emotional blackmail and so on. Yes, I am guilty of bailing on her during the abusive cycle. I will not stand by and be whip lashed by anyone verbally or otherwise. And I would do it again all over.....no change in my demeanor. I resented her for it -- and even came to dislike and hate her for the acting out. I admit it. I couldn't stand her anymore. But, I would never harm her. So -- I left. For good....

 

She deserved it -- and I don't regret it. Mack tried to fix his R. Cpt Save a ho has the right idea. My patience and tolerance for this behavior is null. And if I EVER see it in my midst again -- I will not only walk away -- but RUN. The simple fact, that these PD flags are present -- and we ignore them is INDEED our fault. My responsibility for marrying one is MY fault. I loved her deeply, but could not stand her. In the end, she was ugly...but still quite beautiful in my eyes. I got over her amazingly quick -- because drawing from MY experiences reminded of what a POS she really was inside her destructive and violent warped mind. I make no excuses for falling in love with her.

 

She alone -- was my mistake. Now - she is somebody else' problem. Now that this chapter in my life has passed - I am fortunate enough to speak from experience and draw from it a knowledge base intended to help me and others understand what the hell happened. As long as I can draw another breath - I will continue to help inform others of what this disease is. Others - must be aware of what is happening to them in order for them to make a critically wise decision to get out while they can. RUN! Run away!

Edited January 8, 2013 by bpdr

[revitup]

Bpdr has it absolutely right in this post.These people we deal with (I had one for 18 yrs) are a frightening group.I can tell you that it had changed my DD14,and myself in ways that are downright scary. I don't want to ever speak to the STBXWW again!It scares me to think what could have happened,that's in spite of the fact that I was in total adoration of her for many years.

 

There is some sort of control they have on you after a while,a powerful thing to break free from while in their spell.I take full responsibility for choosing this devil.I am grateful that my DD14 came out of the relationship and have no regrets as to the money spent trying to "please" and "help" the STBXWW.I do regret the length of time I spent allowing her to control everything in my life.I was smarter than that.

 

I also went through the myriad of therapists and MC's with my STBXWW,only to see no results and or negative results.One MC actually told the STBXWW this after 12 sessions,"Mrs Revitup,if you are to remain heterosexual,you had better learn to love this man."

 

It went downhill quickly,STBXWW said I don't like this therapist...that was always the pattern!She has to even control the Dr's or they too,have to go.

 

I triggered my STBXWW three yrs ago by telling her I was done with her and her hateful,jealous,controlling and negative behavior toward me.She went full blown BPD (traits anyway) after that.I didn't know what I now know.

 

Bottom line,If BPDr or someone knowledgeable like BPDr, had been around me then,it would have saved me from some serious pain and agony.

 

Keep up the information campaign BPDr,you (and now myself!!) will one day save the next man or woman from what we went through,by educating as much as possible,the public.

 

Thank you,

REVITUP

[SteveJ13]

I was dumped a little over 2 months ago in an awful way by a possible BPD. I was the codependent and only when I started to see behind her mask was I viciously and abruptly discarded. After 2.5 years I finally started to push back (I could no longer be her doormat), and 1 month later she filed a fraudulent restraining order to have me evicted from our apartment. She was also pushing to get married 1 month before this. She later dropped the case, yesterday in fact. It was nothing but lies, but I'm still reeling. How could someone do this to me after all the love I showed them? How could you do such a thing to someone you were in "love" with? I never once lied to her yet she never trusted me. This was her projecting. In the end she painted me black to play the victim and absolve herself of poor behavior.

 

She was sexually abused as a child and has a father with numerous personality disorders. She was shipped off to boarding school at 14 and had a very dysfunctional childhood, parents divorced and father was abusive to mother. I had a great upbringing with parents who have been married over 40 years. I thought I was her savior. This is not a healthy plan.

 

I agree with Mack05 that it's important for me to see myself with clarity so that I can avoid this happening again. I tried to rationalize so many red flags that it is now clear I was being weak. These flags included shoplifting (not a money issue but rather for the rush), reckless driving, overeating, vegan (not sure what to say about this one, I think related to a BPD's extreme feelings), compulsive spending, flirting shamelessly in front of me (including going out to dinner with single men while she was away for work), looking at my phone/email, constant complaining and nagging, telling me way back in the beginning that she liked to cut and run (and did in 3 or 4 LTR's), saying I deserved better, her wanting an open relationship, pushing me to get married/have children when we were in constant conflict, spending tons of money on her including many trips and house furnishings, lying in situations that made no sense, tactless and saying inappropriate things, OCD, bossy, controlling, inconsistent and robotic sex and stuff I'm surely forgetting. Her whole personality resided in the extremes and this began to wear me down. Writing this out makes me ill.

 

Now you may be thinking how could I be so stupid/pathetic? Well, she was also very high functioning with a great executive job, beautiful, smart, highly creative and talented, charming, funny, sensitive, at times extremely emotionally available, generous and loved to share everything with me. People never saw her dark side and told me how lucky I was to be with her. The highs were absurdly high, and at her best, I've never known anyone else like her. She treated me like a god in the beginning and this was very intoxicating. Told me Jesus sent me to her, we were soulmates, etc. As is common, they rush into the relationship quickly and then knock you off the pedestal just as fast.

 

I agree with the RUN FAR AWAY advice. Look carefully for red flags and trust your gut. I'm thankful I didn't marry her as I knew something wasn't right. I still wanted to be with her though which is/was frightening to me. My family keeps telling me I dodged a bullet and I'm slowly agreeing. I still love her, but know the denial is just my heart talking. It's still too fresh and I'm clearly suffering from PTSD. Even after writing all this I still miss her...

 

I'm sharing this to help others, as well as for my own therapy. Reading these forums has helped me so much and I thank you all for posting. You have no idea how much it means to some of us...

[Mack05]

Steve I would amazed if your ex didn't have BPD. All the signs are there. Trust me you could spend years trying to figure her and her actions out and you wouldn't get anywhere. She is wired in a way you will NEVER understand or comprehend. Don't waste your time trying to open her eyes either. She will just ignore your opinion, or just put it back on you and accuse you of having the disorder.

 

These women are broken and you can't fix them. Sad as it is you just have to leave go and for a codependent that is very hard. You need to spend this time focusing on your healing and then focusing on learning from your mistakes and making improvements to yourself as a person so that this never happens again.

 

These women are toxic. Doesn't matter how nice they originally came across, doesn't matter if there are highly thought of both in and outside of work. Doesn't matter if you have witnessed them doing nice 'n' thoughtful things for others. This is all a facade to hide who they truly are. They seem to good to be true because they are. At the start of the relationship their admiration for you is real and as long as you tow the line and do what you are supposed to do everything is rosy in the garden..

 

Its when life gets tough (as it inevitably does) that their real colours show. Run mate and never look back. Don't play her games. Just disconnect and get your life back...

[todreaminblue]

Yes, accountability is. Jesus told people to repent or they would "die in their sins".

 

So you still didn't address my comment. Should we have compassion on rapists for being in such torment?

 

As a victim of the act of rape i say yes to compassion....its not for us to keep a ledger of sins committed against us.God knows already,if they dont repent, they will be held accountable.i do feel sorry for them honestly, iref use to let an act committed against me determine who i am what i do or how i treat people in fact iwilll have more compassion because they lacked that simple and graceful trait i will never hurt anyone like that....that includes them.two wrongs never make it any better god has the ultimate ledger.....i dont need a ledger i can move on.....thank god for

that.....deb

[SteveJ13]

Thanks for the reassurance and advice Mack. Realizing that what we had together was never real is a bitter pill to swallow. Or at least what we had wasn't sustainable. I truly loved this girl and a part of me always will. What she did to me is pretty much unforgivable, so I'm hoping that will allow me to stay NC. I've never been so conflicted in my life, feeling such anger and love for someone at the same time. These feelings don't just disappear no matter what someone does to you...so heartbreaking.

 

I'm trying to put my life back together and avoid making the same mistakes again. I'm hypersensitive to the red flags now and hope I can learn to trust and love again. How long did it take you to recover from your ex-BPD?

 

The hardest part I'm dealing with now is the lack of closure. I haven't talked to her since the day I was served and evicted from our apartment over 2 months ago. I saw her once in court and she was cold as ice. How can we have no debrief after a 2.5 year relationship? The night before she served me, she wanted to go to our favorite restaurant which we did. Later that night she wanted to have sex which we did. I guess this was her way of saying goodbye. I never got to say goodbye...

Edited January 12, 2013 by SteveJ13

[Mack05]

How long did it take me to recover Steve. Good question. The way things panned out for me well you wouldn't write about it. I met a beautiful girl two and a half years ago. I was a mess to be honest. Made some bad choices before I met her and paid the price for them. Therefore there was no chance that I could make it work with this girl because emotionally I wasnt anywhere near ready.

 

I made a mess of the relationship. I was judgemental, obsessive, codependent etc etc? I would focus on her 'flaws' to avoid looking at my own. She wasn't perfect but in truth I take most of responsibility for the relationship break up. I was heartbroken when she left. I know at my best we were a match and that's what made it so hard when she left. I couldn't turn it inwards at the time, so I started looking at what's wrong with her. Read some posts here and was convinced she had BPD. Even sent her a book about it the dumb f c u k I was. Does she have BPD? On reflection I'm not sure to be honest. I know I have many regrets with her and that 'sorry' for my behaviour will never be enough. I just hope she is happy.

 

Because I couldn't look in the mirror I studied BPD. Everything about the disorder. Books, articles you name it. Anything that would take the focus of me and the real extent of my problems. About 3 months after the failure of that relationship I met a girl online. We struck up a friendship and then one thing lead to another as we started to become more than friends.

 

Of course there was no way that relationship was going to work either. I was still a mess and still avoiding dealing with my issues. She was just as big a mess and avoiding dealing with hers. It was a train wreck. We just fought all the time. The complete irony was that she definitely had/has BPD. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.. I recognised all the signs really early. At first I would ignore my inner voice. But it was so obvious. The things she said, her behavioural patterns, her actions (terrible lieing, manipulating, verbal and emotional abuse, denial, anxiety, bad childhood, rocky past relationships, inability to take constructive criticism, blame shifting, projecting, gas lighting ). Everything.

 

Had I not studied BPD, I would have been clueless. I would never have been able to put my finger on her odd behaviour. And that's what dating a BPDer is. Encountering odd, irrational behaviour that you have never seen before and trying to make sense of it of it all. It's harder to make sense when you see their good side, their successful careers, their caring gestures, how logically sound their advice is, their unyielding self belief and inner confidence. They even make you doubt yourself. BPDErs are extraordinary clever creatures. Extraordinary survivors.

 

I kept trying to leave. My self esteem was shot though, so I would keep going back. As I said I recognised she had BPD from all the studying I did, so I tried to open her eyes. I tried numerous things but nothing worked. I was convinced I could fix her, but the truth is I was the one that needed fixing not her. She became more and more volatile. Even though she would criticise other people that were abusive, she couldn't see her own bad behaviour in herself. Everything bad she did, she had a justification for it or she would just deny. She never once took accountability. I've had more success talking to brick walls.

 

So how long has it taken me to get over all this. It's ongoing. I made a lot of positive strides in my life and I am very proud of myself. I moved countries and started a new life. I still get down from time to time about those mistakes I've made, but I try to keep it positive, try to look forward not back. For me it's not about how long it has taken to get over a BPD relationship (which is very hard to detangle) it's about how long it's taken and is still taking for the real me to come back. I've taken a year off dating and will stay off dating until I know I can be in a healthy relationship. I won't hurt a girl again like I did with the last girl I truly loved. I do think its about how long your recovery from a BPD fallout. I think it's about getting an emotionally healthy (and all that entails) you back...Only you can determine how long that will take.

Edited January 12, 2013 by Mack05

[bpdr]

This was her projecting. In the end she painted me black to play the victim and absolve herself of poor behavior.

 

I think related to a BPD's extreme feelings), compulsive spending, flirting shamelessly in front of me (including going out to dinner with single men while she was away for work), looking at my phone/email, constant complaining and nagging, telling me way back in the beginning that she liked to cut and run (and did in 3 or 4 LTR's), saying I deserved better, her wanting an open relationship, pushing me to get married/have children when we were in constant conflict, spending tons of money on her including many trips and house furnishings, lying in situations that made no sense, tactless and saying inappropriate things, OCD, bossy, controlling, inconsistent and robotic sex and stuff I'm surely forgetting. Her whole personality resided in the extremes and this began to wear me down. Writing this out makes me ill.

 

Reading this ----> Makes me iLL....

 

Honest to God - I am physically ill reading your story - because it is ALL too familiar. Lately, I have been trying to stay off of LS for this reason. Not, that I can't handle the inquiry - but rather the "Sludge" that derives the experience. You are dead SMACK in the middle of a messed up PD relationship. No matter HOW much you rationalize it - there is no sense to be made of it.

 

Revit up and his story - is worth a MAJOR read. His story is so messed up with his BPD'r I almost wanted to vomit - because there is a child involved.

 

There is no making heads or tails of these situations. They all seemingly have similar preludes - that ultimately end in disaster. These PD women are ruthless, and at the same time "Oblivious" to what the hell they are doing.

 

There is no rhyme or reason for what they do. They just think they can suffice beyond the next relationship....like a tornado that tears through a town. I can ONLY deduce it to such an event. These girls advocate love in the beginning - find a way to wrap your heart - and then STEAL your soul.

 

Picture a TORNADO raveling through your life - destroying your affections, love and heart all the while you continue to wonder what the hell is wrong?? There is NOTHING normal about this. I have been in several relationships over my lifetime - but have NEVER seen one like the one I was in....and a marriage at that. It was weird and destructive but, I put up with it for over 4 years. I am ashamed of myself for doing so, and so should you.

 

These RED FLAGS should be noted early on. Kick them to the curb ASAP.....

 

Then RUN! Run Away!!....

[bpdr]

Thanks for the reassurance and advice Mack. Realizing that what we had together was never real is a bitter pill to swallow. Or at least what we had wasn't sustainable. I truly loved this girl and a part of me always will. What she did to me is pretty much unforgivable, so I'm hoping that will allow me to stay NC. I've never been so conflicted in my life, feeling such anger and love for someone at the same time. These feelings don't just disappear no matter what someone does to you...so heartbreaking.

 

I'm trying to put my life back together and avoid making the same mistakes again. I'm hypersensitive to the red flags now and hope I can learn to trust and love again. How long did it take you to recover from your ex-BPD?

 

The hardest part I'm dealing with now is the lack of closure. I haven't talked to her since the day I was served and evicted from our apartment over 2 months ago. I saw her once in court and she was cold as ice. How can we have no debrief after a 2.5 year relationship? The night before she served me, she wanted to go to our favorite restaurant which we did. Later that night she wanted to have sex which we did. I guess this was her way of saying goodbye. I never got to say goodbye...

 

My therapist had me take some CBT "Cognitive Behavioral Tests" AFTER we had split. The prognosis was in fact PTSD diagnosed to a lesser form of BSTD "Betrayal Stress Trauma" symptoms. Clinically, I was diagnosed with PTSD from the trauma over years of abuse verbally, physically and mentally NOT even realizing what was happening to me.

 

I was never told how long it might take to recover from it, but I do know I am getting better with each passing day away from her.

 

BP

[bpdr]

 

The hardest part I'm dealing with now is the lack of closure. I haven't talked to her since the day I was served and evicted from our apartment over 2 months ago. I saw her once in court and she was cold as ice. How can we have no debrief after a 2.5 year relationship? The night before she served me, she wanted to go to our favorite restaurant which we did. Later that night she wanted to have sex which we did. I guess this was her way of saying goodbye. I never got to say goodbye...

 

Stay strong....as you will NEVER get closure. At least, not by a "Normal Standard" -- She will Guilt you, and eventually "Hoover" you back into the situation if you let her. This happened to me TWICE!

 

Once things go south with her emotions -- you are done in her books.

 

She no longer wants ANYTHING to do with you.....she's checked out.

 

Only YOU will be left - holding the bag and picking up the pieces aftermath.

 

Crappy place to be.....I am there right now bro. Trust me.

[Mack05]

I agree with everything BPDer said there. Same with you Steve. It's amazing how similar people's experiences with BPD are. I think when you get separation you will realise just how lucky you are to be free and how vital it is to NEVER get involved with a woman like this again...

 

I remember being in my ex's house for a week. It was a memorable experience to say the least. If she doesn't have OCD she can't be far off it. I mean she told me once she got up at 5am to clean her bathroom! The odd time I would leave a press door open (cause mine were magnetic and would close automatically) and she would get so annoyed. Or if the bathroom rug wasn't exactly at a 90 degree angle to the bathroom sink and so on. She would constantly criticise me and if I told her that ain't right in a relationship, she would blame me for being sensitive.

 

Could you imagine a life of constantly watching if everything is neat and tidy and the way it should be. A lifetime of snidey put downs, innuendo's and abuse. A lifetime of lying, deception and manipulation. This is what I call sucking the life out of someone. It doesn't matter how much you put in (and thankfully I didn't put in much) your efforts are in complete and utter vain.

 

I remember once my ex saying she had a conversation with my mother and she said your mother told me "His words will sometimes hurt you". She said don't tell your mother that trying to cover her manipulation. I knew it was a lie as my mother loves her kids and I knew she was incapable of saying such a thing. I asked my mother anyway about the conversation. When she never mentioned about "my words sometimes hurting people" I brought it up. My mother turned to me in a look of shock and said "I could never say that about my son!especially to a woman I just met and that he is trying to impress!"

 

I then made my ex aware that I spoke to my mother. My ex then swears on her grandmothers life (her hero) that it was true. My mother was shocked by this completely and then says for me to come to her house and let's talk on speaker phone with (my ex) and we will sort this once and for all. My mother just said 05mack she is lying!!Of course my ex backed down from the showdown and tried to looked innocent in doing so. It was pathetic.

 

The thing is I will never know if my ex knew you was lying or if she rationalised in her head that my mother did indeed say that. Either way she wanted to manipulate me. Either way its the behaviour of a broken human being. I always rebelled though, therefore we fought a lot and therefore she started emotionally checking out. Started having 'anxiety' issues as is standard with BPD sufferers. I was never going to be the puppet/saviour that she wanted me to be. I just wish I had the strength of conviction and self belief in myself when I left the first time, to stay gone.

 

It's easy for me to label her a nut job but thats not fair. You have to have been through a huge amount in life to end up that messed up and delusional. I feel sorry for her actually and hope she ends up finding peace and happiness in her life. I just can't ever see that happening the way she is now. Her friend told me to give up and that some people can't be helped.

 

Apparently she met a guy just after me and couldn't be happier. I hope that's true for her sake but I see the same mistakes being made, the same patterns, the same inevitable conclusion. I just hope when this relationship fails she finally decides to accept the truth. Sadly highly unlikely.

 

The frustrating thing about high functioning BPDers is that they know something is wrong. Many go therapy but it's a fruitless quest. How can you be honest with a therapist when you can't be honest wih yourself?

 

I hope this thread helps people caught in the middle of the tornado..

Edited January 12, 2013 by Mack05

[Star Gazer]

I need to correct some misconceptions in this thread.

 

Bipolar disorder is not treatable by any means. It IS manageable with heavy medication but that is very different to "treatable". It severely affects relationships and is a mental illness that is managed by a psychiatrist.

 

Borderline personality disorder IS treatable in some cases and not so much in others. Generally, it starts in late teens and can go away by itself as a person gets older and becomes more confident in their identity. It is a personality disorder rather than a mental illness and is managed by a psychologist. DBT has been shown as the most effective treatment of BPD, with no medication needed.

 

Again, largely wrong. But I guess as a sufferer you're biased.

 

Bipolar is treatable; BPD is not.

 

BPD doesn't just go away, and if anything, if gets WORSE as a person grows up, especially without intervention. The proof is in the pudding. It is also disingenuous to say no medication is needed for BPD, as in reality, there is no medication that can treat BPD, as it's a personality disorder, not an emotional or chemical issue/illness.

[Star Gazer]

No, the real victim is the person who has BPD because they suffer more than you will ever know.

Shouldn't walk on eggshells around anyone. Most of them will not have the perspective that you have. You can move on, deal with the issue and find someone else. Most of those with BPD are trapped by it. I am very grateful that I'm capable of sympathy and empathy.

 

I couldn't disagree more. BPDs and NPDs ABUSE their partners, and think nothing of it. They don't "suffer." They don't even seek help with good intentions. Nope. After abusing partners, and failing at relationships, they only seek out help to find the tools to help them get what they want from their partners, because their jackassery hasn't worked so far. It's not sought out to learn how to be a better partner, or to be a better human being, and SURELY not to modify their personality (as would be necessary to improve their personality disorder). No. It's to figure out how to get what they want (manipulate): a relationship on their terms. Once the therapist points out their flaws, and how those flaws have contributed to the demise of their relationships, they walk. How dare they be criticized!

[Star Gazer]

I dont agree with this. I don't think a BPD sufferer has the ability to do truly look inward for numerous reasons. As my ex says rinse, lather, repeat. Instead they just keep repeating negative patterns. This inevitably results in playing the victim and blaming anyone but themselves. They live in a world of delusion and denial..Some people are broken and you cant fix them.

 

My ex always blames crappy guys, they either cheat or let her down. Therefore she feels they are 100% at fault and she is the innocent victim. True some did cheat, but she never focuses on her behaviours. She never focuses on the 'why' she makes bad choice after bad choice. She will simply never understand because she does not have the ability to look inward..

 

Agreed, 100%!