Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

[M30USA]

I couldn't disagree more. BPDs and NPDs ABUSE their partners, and think nothing of it. They don't "suffer." They don't even seek help with good intentions. Nope. After abusing partners, and failing at relationships, they only seek out help to find the tools to help them get what they want from their partners, because their jackassery hasn't worked so far. It's not sought out to learn how to be a better partner, or to be a better human being, and SURELY not to modify their personality (as would be necessary to improve their personality disorder). No. It's to figure out how to get what they want (manipulate): a relationship on their terms. Once the therapist points out their flaws, and how those flaws have contributed to the demise of their relationships, they walk. How dare they be criticized!

 

And, if the BPDer is a "Christian", they will inevitably latch onto the teaching of pastors who preach "name it and claim it" and how to "get what you want". So, in following these teachings, they bully people around and abuse them because God (or THEIR version of God) has given them "favor" and therefore they believe they are better than others.

 

Please do not misunderstand me. I, myself, am a staunch believer in the Bible. But what really angers me is when people use Scripture for their own selfish reasons. Instead of looking to God for humility, repentance, and sacrificial love...they ask for favor, blessings, victory, etc. I am 100% convinced that these false teachings are CONTRIBUTING to the growing sociopathology of our society.

Edited January 12, 2013 by M30USA

[NoMoreJerks]

Stay strong....as you will NEVER get closure. At least, not by a "Normal Standard" -- She will Guilt you, and eventually "Hoover" you back into the situation if you let her. This happened to me TWICE!

 

Once things go south with her emotions -- you are done in her books.

 

She no longer wants ANYTHING to do with you.....she's checked out.

 

Only YOU will be left - holding the bag and picking up the pieces aftermath.

 

Crappy place to be.....I am there right now bro. Trust me.

Having read all the posts on this thread, I am beginning to wonder whether my ex also had BPD (along with NPD).... While I have read that BPD is more common in women, men can also be diagnosed with this disorder. It shocks me to read the posts on this thread, because 99% of the stuff that you guys mentioned reminds me of my ex. And yeah, the whole relationship (which lasted 6 months and had 2 break-ups) was very traumatic. I kept walking on eggshells, constantly being accused of being selfish, never knew when he would have an outburst out of the blue, give me the silent treatment, or just yell at me, for something that just happened only in his imagination... He would also constantly project, blame me, accuse me of being needy, threaten to break up with me (and did so twice -- the last time 3 weeks ago, seems to be final, as he seems to have completely devalued me). He seemed to lack empathy, but I kept ignoring it.. He even told me that he used me -- he was calling me every day because he "usually feels worse when he's away from home, and was feeling lonely." But he said that not apologetically at all. He never apologized... NEVER. Not once. Always made me beg , always wanted control. There just was no winning with him. He'd complain that I never gave him input as to where I wanted to go for dinner. But any time I did, he would tell me he didn't feel like going there. Not once did I say that I wanted to go to this or that place, and he accepted it. So I just stopped making suggestions... It seems to me that he just wanted me to make suggestions, so that he would feel good about shooting them down and having his way... If I just acted like I was "flexible", he couldn't feel like he was in control, because I already didn't mind going to the places that he picked.. He wanted the control... I am realizing this only now -- that this was a form of control. I was so confused all the time, because I felt like I was doing the things he asked me to do , behaving the way he wanted me to behave (suggesting going places), but he was shooting down my suggestions ANYWAY -- ALL the time.... It was jawdroppingly confusing... My head was constantly spinning all the time I was with him. If I didn't respond to one of his texts promptly enough, he'd get mad and give me the silent treatment for days. If I texted too much or too little, he'd get upset. And the "too much" or "too little" varied, based on his daily (or hourly) mood... which I was supposed to guess.... It's been 3 weeks since our break-up and I still have nightmares about some of this stuff, still keep analyzing and processing the stuff he told me and did to me... He was also sexually promiscuous, and wanted to force me into doing a threesome with another woman (any woman). He even ordered me to go find a lesbian woman from a lesbian bar.... I was too scared of losing him, so I did as he told me to, except that I could find anyone (thank god). He got mad at me for not finding someone. I once had back pain so I couldn't go out to find someone (while he stayed in and watched TV, and waited for me to bring home another woman so he could have sex with both of us, or watch us have sex), and he told me that I should go out anyway, that I was just coming up with excuses, that if he had back pain, he would still have gone out to get something that he wanted..... Meanwhile, he had told me that he used to suffer from back pain, and it drove him to alcoholism and he used to fall asleep on the floor of his apartment , after drinking so much due to his back pain. Double standards much? OMG, the things he did to me.... I can't believe I lasted for 6 months... I would've lost my mind if this had lasted longer... The trouble was that I didn't know what normal relationships are supposed to be like, since this was my very first relationship EVER (I'm 29). And I had self-esteem issues and fear of loneliness, that made me stick around longer than anyone would ever have stuck around this guy... He claimed thata he had had 4 LTR, each lasting 4-5 years (he was 40), but I do not buy that, to be honest. If he was the same back then as he was when I met him, I cannot, just cannot, imagine how anyone could've remained sane if she stayed in a relationship with him for 4-5 years... especially that he claimed they lived together... I really think it was all bull****, and he had never had a proper, long-term relationship. I think he was telling me bull**** stories about how he was not over his ex, how he had been treated badly by ALL his exes (and somehow the common denominator was his exes,not him!), how they had all dumped him after he was SO NICE to them, etc.... Everything was about how others had wronged him... he never took blame/responsibility for ANYTHING, not even the tiniest thing/problem... I feel sick just writing this post..

[SteveJ13]

Reading this ----> Makes me iLL....

 

Honest to God - I am physically ill reading your story - because it is ALL too familiar. Lately, I have been trying to stay off of LS for this reason. Not, that I can't handle the inquiry - but rather the "Sludge" that derives the experience. You are dead SMACK in the middle of a messed up PD relationship. No matter HOW much you rationalize it - there is no sense to be made of it.

 

Revit up and his story - is worth a MAJOR read. His story is so messed up with his BPD'r I almost wanted to vomit - because there is a child involved.

 

There is no making heads or tails of these situations. They all seemingly have similar preludes - that ultimately end in disaster. These PD women are ruthless, and at the same time "Oblivious" to what the hell they are doing.

 

There is no rhyme or reason for what they do. They just think they can suffice beyond the next relationship....like a tornado that tears through a town. I can ONLY deduce it to such an event. These girls advocate love in the beginning - find a way to wrap your heart - and then STEAL your soul.

 

Picture a TORNADO raveling through your life - destroying your affections, love and heart all the while you continue to wonder what the hell is wrong?? There is NOTHING normal about this. I have been in several relationships over my lifetime - but have NEVER seen one like the one I was in....and a marriage at that. It was weird and destructive but, I put up with it for over 4 years. I am ashamed of myself for doing so, and so should you.

 

These RED FLAGS should be noted early on. Kick them to the curb ASAP.....

 

Then RUN! Run Away!!....

 

They've made us all ill bpdr. Hearing how similar other peoples' stories are to my own is both a comforting and painful experience. I feel your pain and hope you can find some peace. I'm very slowly getting there, trying to focus on the fact that she's not my problem anymore. And even as awful as my story is, it could have been far worse.

 

The tornado analogy is spot on. Going into the relationship, they know the destruction that will ensue. This is unfathomable to me that someone could, as you said, wrap my heart and then steal my soul. And premeditated no less! On to their next victim...sickening.

 

 

I always rebelled though, therefore we fought a lot and therefore she started emotionally checking out. Started having 'anxiety' issues as is standard with BPD sufferers. I was never going to be the puppet/saviour that she wanted me to be. I just wish I had the strength of conviction and self belief in myself when I left the first time, to stay gone.

 

 

This is exactly what happened to me. I would try to be patient and was for the first year or so, but then I started to wear thin. Anything other than total acceptance of her views led to conflict. She had emotionally checked out for awhile, just took a bit longer to ultimately paint me black. I too was never going to be her puppet, some guys will and maybe she'll find one to satisfy her. Unlikely though, as she'll probably bore of him and throw him in the same trash can as me. I don't know if she'll ever contact me again, a normal person wouldn't as the intense shame of the smear campaign she started against me would make it impossible. But if she does, I hope I have the strength to resist her poisonous embrace.

[SteveJ13]

He'd complain that I never gave him input as to where I wanted to go for dinner. But any time I did, he would tell me he didn't feel like going there. Not once did I say that I wanted to go to this or that place, and he accepted it. So I just stopped making suggestions... It seems to me that he just wanted me to make suggestions, so that he would feel good about shooting them down and having his way... If I just acted like I was "flexible", he couldn't feel like he was in control, because I already didn't mind going to the places that he picked.. He wanted the control... I am realizing this only now -- that this was a form of control. I was so confused all the time, because I felt like I was doing the things he asked me to do , behaving the way he wanted me to behave (suggesting going places), but he was shooting down my suggestions ANYWAY -- ALL the time.... It was jawdroppingly confusing...

 

This is precisely what I went through. The flexible part makes perfect sense as that doesn't allow them as much control. She hated it when I would give her too many choices, while at the same time shooting down anything concrete I would suggest. I've read these no-win type games are common with BPD and serve to further confuse and dominate us.

[M30USA]

This is precisely what I went through. The flexible part makes perfect sense as that doesn't allow them as much control. She hated it when I would give her too many choices, while at the same time shooting down anything concrete I would suggest. I've read these no-win type games are common with BPD and serve to further confuse and dominate us.

 

There are only 2 possible explanations for this behavior:

 

1) They are pathologically bent on DESTROYING those closest to them.

 

2) They are pathologically bent on BEING THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. This is why I believe that the most selfish people ARE the most dangerous ones. Even if they aren't DIRECTLY set on destroying other people...the end result is the same. If you only care about yourself, you WILL destroy people. It's just a matter of time until someone ELSE'S desires/goals conflict with yours (as a BPD'er). Then the other person pays dearly.

[NoMoreJerks]

This is precisely what I went through. The flexible part makes perfect sense as that doesn't allow them as much control. She hated it when I would give her too many choices, while at the same time shooting down anything concrete I would suggest. I've read these no-win type games are common with BPD and serve to further confuse and dominate us.

Yup. Wow, in a sense, I am glad I was not the only one. For the longest time, I kept wondering if something was wrong with ME. That's what he made me feel like... that there was something terribly wrong with me, and I bought into it because I thought, maybe I am the one who has issues because I've never even had a relationship with anyone at 29....

 

I told him I was "flexible", without intending to manipulate him or take control away from him. I just knew that if I made a suggestion, he'd shoot it down again.. My decision to tell him I was flexible was based on my previous experiences with him shooting down my suggestions. So I just learned from his behaviour. But he got SO furious... Ultimately, I think that's what allowed him to devalue me... I wasn't satisfying his need to have total control.... one red flag that I had ignored, which hinted at his desire for control, was that he constantly accused me of trying to change him (if I suggested doing something together, for example -- yeah, still trying to figure out how I was "trying to change him" by suggesting we do this or that activity -- go figure), and he always said that his exes tried to control him... I bet his exes were just acting normal, just like I was, but because HE had abnormal control issues, he just couldn't deal with it.

 

I didn't realize he was asking me to suggest something and shooting down my suggestions, in order to feel in control. Nor did I realize that it was a personality disorder thing, until just about now. I actually thought there was something wrong with me, that I just didn't know how to strike the right balance, that I didn't have a backbone, when in reality, any time that I showed signs of having a spine and asserting myself or trying to set a boundary, he got furious and shot down all my boundaries in response... Now it all makes perfect sense.... Perfect sense...

 

I am so glad I got out of this... I am glad I was sufficiently devalued in his eyes , for him to dump me again... I would never have found the strength to dump him. I was in love with him and felt scared of being lonely. And for the longest time, he manipulated me and played on those fears, too... by constantly threatening to break up with me. Any time he didn't get his way, he'd send me an email -- the SAME EXACT one-liner email EVERY TIME -- saying "looks like we're finished." It's almost like he had it saved as a template in his drafts folder, or something... He knew I loved him, and he knew I was afraid of being lonely, and he played on my fears...

 

He also constantly kept telling me that he "had to be selfish" ... "for once." He always justified his behaviours by saying that he had to be selfish, because in the past he had been "too nice" to his exes... I was like, so you were "nice" to your exes who supposedly treated you like ****, but are now deciding to be "selfish", with the woman who genuinely loves you and has given you EVERYTHING you could ever have wanted? He was just rationalizing his crappy behaviour, I think...

 

He also always wanted to "hide" me from anyone he knew. He didn't want to add me on Facebook or Google+, claimed he only used those for work, but I saw that he has friends on Google+ that he made in Thailand (girls who are prostitutes).. I don't know if he really used his facebook for "work", but I have doubts about that. He just didn't want me to see the people posting on his wall (and the girl friends he had added, probably mostly from his trips to Thailand).. He also claimed he had told his parents about me, but any time he talked on the phone, he looked worried that I'd make a noise and that they'd figure out that he was with someone..

Edited January 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[M30USA]

one red flag that I had ignored, which hinted at his desire for control, was that he constantly accused me of trying to change him (if I suggested doing something together, for example -- yeah, still trying to figure out how I was "trying to change him" by suggesting we do this or that activity -- go figure), and he always said that his exes tried to control him... I bet his exes were just acting normal, just like I was, but because HE had abnormal control issues, he just couldn't deal with it.

 

Classic projection. Just like how a liar never believes anyone else.

[NoMoreJerks]

He was a compulsive liar. He even told me once that it was none of my business what he did (if he slept with any prostitutes, that is) in Thailand... and then said, "what you don't know won't hurt you" and "it's not a bad idea to not tell everything , or to lie about things , when it comes to dealing with women."

[NoMoreJerks]

He kept promising me to come visit me over Christmas and spend about a week and a half / two weeks with me. I was excited and happy, but he kept coming up with one excuse after another to avoid booking his flight, until about a week before he wanted to come see me. Then he claimed that the tickets had gotten too expensive.. but that he'd keep looking for last-minute deals. Then, the next day, he texted me and said that he can't come over Christmas, because the tickets are too expensive now (only about $150 more... he spent ****loads of money to go to Thailand 4 times a year, for vacation -- to hang out with prostitutes at bars)... that he'd come visit me some time mid-January (not even asking me if I could accommodate him then, if I was busy then, etc -- it was all about HIM and HIS needs)... No apologies for blowing me off last minute, blowing off my plans to go see my sister, because he had promised he'd come see me (and reassured me that even if the tickets had gotten expensive, he'd still get one and come visit me -- he told me he can afford even an expensive ticket)... So I was mad that I now had to spend Christmas and NYE's by myself (cos the tickets to go see my sister had gotten ridiculously expensive -- $850 for a 1 hour flight). I didn't respond to his text, because I didn't want to say anything nasty. I didn't even tell him I was upset... He then got mad at me for not responding to that one text, and sent me his standard "looks like we're finished" email... I was like, whoa... *I* was supposed to be the one to get upset, and HE was supposed to be the one to apologize, but because he wrote that email , I started apologizing for not responding to his text, told him I was sorry for being upset, etc. Then I tried to be super nice to him the next few days, but he kept giving me the silent treatment. Barely talking to me at all.... He did this for like, 4 days or so... I played along, but I was fuming.... Then, he told me he was "just stressed" and that i had been too busy thinking about myself to notice that he was stressed (when in fact, I kept asking me how he was doing every day, how work was going, etc., and in the past month, I had spent ****loads of money calling him long distance, and him talking for hours on the phone, telling me about his work and how annoyed he was, and how lonely he was cos none of the women in Turkey were paying attention to him)... Then, after he got home from his work abroad, he dumped me the next day... after I had spent hundreds of dollars talking to him long-distance, and reassuring him that he could finish the job on time, etc. And he never even bothered to apologize for having blown off my Christmas plans last minute, because he was supposedly unwilling to pay $150-200 more to come visit me... when I had spent that much money on phone calls alone... He dumped me 2 days before Christmas, then, as if nothing had happened, he told me "have a good Christmas." Accused me of being needy, selfish, and any and all bad characteristic traits you can think of, and then said, he had to be "selfish for once" (same line again)... That was 3 weeks ago, and not a word from him since then. I've deleted his number and am trying to move on.. I hope he will not contact me. I am wondering though if, at some point down the line, once he gets over the "high" of having gained some form of "control", he will start contacting me because he will feel that he has "lost" control because I am not contacting him and begging him to take me back, which is what he would've expected..

[NoMoreJerks]

There are only 2 possible explanations for this behavior:

 

1) They are pathologically bent on DESTROYING those closest to them.

 

2) They are pathologically bent on BEING THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

 

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. This is why I believe that the most selfish people ARE the most dangerous ones. Even if they aren't DIRECTLY set on destroying other people...the end result is the same. If you only care about yourself, you WILL destroy people. It's just a matter of time until someone ELSE'S desires/goals conflict with yours (as a BPD'er). Then the other person pays dearly.

Yup... They are always the center of the universe. Their needs are the most important, if not the ONLY thing that matters.. Mine could not fathom that it was normal for me to have needs , just as he had needs. Any time I had any "need" , he would call me "needy" (which is usually used to refer to people who are excessively clingy).... he would tell me , "what about my needs? you're too pre-occupied with your needs to pay attention to any of MINE!" The irony is that this sort of discussion would usually come about after weeks of me paying attention (exclusively) to his needs, his stress level, his anxiety with work, and just about anything or anyone that remotely upset him during the course of his day...... to the point where I was so emotinoally exhausted from taking care of his needs and ignoring MY OWN needs and emotional and mental health... I was basically doing the job for the both of us, taking care of the both of us... or actually, scratch that: I totally forgot about myself, and was taking care of him (emotionally).. He felt great.. he was living through me... doing everything he wanted to do, and more... at the expense of my feelings... He would go out and have drinks with his mates, and would get upset if he happened to receive a text or call while he was out (even when I didn't know that he was out)... But when he was home and wanted to talk? It didn't matter if I was out with friends, etc. He would talk to me anyway, and use me as an emotional crutch, and can you imagine if *I* had gotten upset and had given him a taste of his own medicine? I never did, of course, because that's not what normal people do -- I talked to him on the phone for as long as I could, even when I was out with my friends... It didn't bother me in the least. But despite all this, any time I paid a bit less attention to him, he'd get paranoid and upset, thinking I was sleeping with other men... even accused me of it a few times, when I didn't text him early in the morning. He texted me, saying "are you in bed with another man?" Even told me that one of his co-workers was in town, if I wanted to sleep with him.... Passive-aggressive comments like that, devaluing me and making it sound like I was a whore (even though I had not even lost my virginity until I met him, at the age of 29), when in fact, if anyone was a whore, it was him, hanging out with Thai prostitutes... (and doing God knows what with them -- he claimed he never slept with them, yeah right!).... I'm fuming right now, thinking of all of this.. The thing is, I really feel mad at him, but at the same time, I feel deeply sorry for him ,and I still feel like I have hurt him. I feel bad every time I think of the things I told him after our first break-up. I accused him of using me and throwing me around like an object , and discarding me once I was of no use to him. And I told him I refused to take that treatment from anyone. A week later, he texted me, saying, he hoped we could "at least still be friends". And when I didn't reply, he called me, and wanted to get back together.. When I met him in person after that episode, he hugged me so tight, it's like he had been so scared of being abandoned and being lonely.. I feel truly bad and sorry for him. So much so that I'd probably feel really bad if he wanted to come back to me, and would hesitate to turn him down, not because I want him , but because I can't bear to hurt him like that, even though he hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before..

Edited January 12, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[newme9]

I am feeling better today after talking with my councler about my concerns about BPD. She told me that yes I have most of the traits that coincide with the disorder, but she doesn't feel that I am BPD. She feels that I do have a lot of PTSD from my childhood that I need to work hard on to overcome, and that the way our sessions are going she see that I am being to remember, relive, and overcome past events from my past that I have locked out of my memory for years. (It definitely is hard to relive the past when you don't even remember it, and its slowly comes back piece by piece) She also said our sessions are to comfortable for her and she doesn't get the vibe from me that she would with someone with this disorder. And that I am way to self aware about my short coming and I accept them, which someone WITH BPD would never be able to do.

 

I'm feeling a lot better about things now. I feel that I am on the road to becoming amentally healthy individual .

 

I think that you have so much courage and self-awareness that you are definitely moving in the right direction. I read a really great book recently maybe youll like it in resolving or at least understanding a little of your disorder called the road less traveled. it may not pertain to you specific to BPD but it does explain a lot especially in saying you can take responsibility of your disorder and learn to fix it and if you can fix it at least learn in your best way to live with it and make life as good as you can. i admire your strength and hope you stay encouraged on your path to healthy mental state.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I couldn't disagree more. BPDs and NPDs ABUSE their partners, and think nothing of it. They don't "suffer." They don't even seek help with good intentions. Nope. After abusing partners, and failing at relationships, they only seek out help to find the tools to help them get what they want from their partners, because their jackassery hasn't worked so far. It's not sought out to learn how to be a better partner, or to be a better human being, and SURELY not to modify their personality (as would be necessary to improve their personality disorder). No. It's to figure out how to get what they want (manipulate): a relationship on their terms. Once the therapist points out their flaws, and how those flaws have contributed to the demise of their relationships, they walk. How dare they be criticized!

 

Either you are completely wrong or by your definition I don't have BPD.

I didn't "abuse" my ex. I suffered a great deal, I was so torn up and conflicted, in fact I can't remember when I suffered more. I was constantly getting colds from the stress I was under. By the end of the relationship I was such a wreck that people could barely recognize me.

 

My motive to get help is I guess selfish I want to learn how to control my impulses (that's no 1) which will make for a better life for me in all areas. I am not even thinking about relationships right now.

 

As for not being self-aware I was the one that did the reading and thought that I have BPD. You on the other hand are the least self aware person I know.

 

I want to kindly ask you to stop posting in my threads.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Again, largely wrong. But I guess as a sufferer you're biased.

 

Bipolar is treatable; BPD is not.

 

BPD doesn't just go away, and if anything, if gets WORSE as a person grows up, especially without intervention. The proof is in the pudding. It is also disingenuous to say no medication is needed for BPD, as in reality, there is no medication that can treat BPD, as it's a personality disorder, not an emotional or chemical issue/illness.

 

Where do you get your facts from?

 

From wiki:

----------

 

Data indicate that people with BPD often make good progress. Around a third (depending on criteria used) of people diagnosed with BPD achieve remission within a year or two.[77] A longitudinal study found that, six years after being diagnosed with BPD, 56% had good psychosocial functioning compared to 26% at baseline. [/url]

 

Another study found that ten years from baseline (during a hospitalization), 86% of patients had sustained remission of symptoms, with around half achieving recovery defined as being free of symptoms and achieving certain levels of both social and vocational functioning.[79]

 

 

------------------

 

They get worse? They can't be treated? Uh I don't think so. The proof IS in the pudding

[Star Gazer]

Where do you get your facts from?

 

From wiki:

----------

 

Data indicate that people with BPD often make good progress. Around a third (depending on criteria used) of people diagnosed with BPD achieve remission within a year or two.[77] A longitudinal study found that, six years after being diagnosed with BPD, 56% had good psychosocial functioning compared to 26% at baseline. [/url]

 

Another study found that ten years from baseline (during a hospitalization), 86% of patients had sustained remission of symptoms, with around half achieving recovery defined as being free of symptoms and achieving certain levels of both social and vocational functioning.[79]

 

 

------------------

 

They get worse? They can't be treated? Uh I don't think so. The proof IS in the pudding

 

You're quoting WIKI? Hahahaha.

 

Your own citation says after SIX YEARS of treatment, only 56% showed good functioning. How long have you been in treatment?

[Eternal Sunshine]

You're quoting WIKI? Hahahaha.

 

Your own citation says after SIX YEARS of treatment, only 56% showed good functioning. How long have you been in treatment?

 

And you are quoting?

I am certain wiki is more credible than that

 

Numbers don't matter. You claimed none are treatable

Edited January 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[revitup]

After reading the stories here (from both sides) I personally feel like the luckiest man in the world today!I have dodged a bullet (literally as well) with this STBXWW that I have been with for 18 yrs.

 

As time goes by it gets clearer and less complex for me.I have a sense of inner peace that has been missing in my life for several years now.As the years of marriage to the suspected BPD STBXWW passed,I changed.My demeanor changed,I was in a constant state of anxiousness.No matter where I was,I wanted to be somewhere else.Being content with my surroundings was rare.

 

It is most likely due to the constant passive aggressive bashing that STBXWW dished out on a daily basis.It was as though I was in a "whack-a-mole" game.I would whack one demand from STBXWW and she would have 100 more ready for me before the first one was finished.She rarely gave any congratulatory remarks to me about anything I accomplished for her.If she did give a complementary remark,it was quickly followed up by a "but".......ie;you did great on winning the monthly sales contest,but I would have rather went to Cabo instead of Florida for a week!

 

Also as BPDr has said in his posts,my STBXWW was a self centered and self absorbed woman.She would say something like "if I had the money to leave you,I would be gone today"!When I would ask what she meant by that "out of the blue remark" she would reply "I'm just kidding,can't you take a joke"?"You're too tense"!Then I would say "what makes you think that's funny"?This would be followed by her saying something like "It's not about you,stop being so self-centered"!!!!!Then she would say "just drop it,I dont want to fight anymore"!Fight? It was always a "fight" in her mind.

 

We could be talking about anything,if I had a different opinion than she did it was a "fight" in her mind.This was followed up by her saying "you just keep on and on,you don't know when to quit."It could be as simple as her saying "you're a lazy,ass@#$%"!If I dared ask "how do you mean"?She would reply "just drop it,I don't want to fight".

 

Also she would offhandedly say things like "I think I might like a Jeep".If I said nothing,she would come home in a day or so with a Jeep!At that point I might say "why didn't we talk about this"?Her response....."I told you days ago that I wanted a Jeep"!!!!If I dared to say anything about the fact that I had to pay for the Jeep and not her,it would end in a fight about me trying to "hold her down" and "hold the money over her head"!!!!

 

She was always the "victim".The DD22 she has is the same way.

 

Also I notice now that she would soften anything she said that might be construed as a possible negative against her choices and harden anything I said or did.Example:If she came home and said she had been flirted on by a man that day,it would always be that there was nothing to it.It was either a "little boy or an old man"!

 

She is 42 and if the man was 38....he was a little boy.If he was 49....he was an old man!I say this because it appears to be a pattern in her family's women to chose older men.She was 23 and I was 30 when we met.DD22 is 22 and her husband now is 52!!!!She (DD22) was always drawn to my older friends.Even now,my DD14 says that STBXWW is chasing after older men,her main squeeze is my age- 49.I don't know if that is a factor or trait,I'm just getting it out there.

 

REVITUP

[M30USA]

I understand where you're coming from. I never felt peace during the 5 years of my marriage. I was a truly different person. And instead of her parents seeing her disorder and its effect on me, they thought I was just a "guarded and reserved" person who was "unaffected by things". I don't think they ever knew who I was. I had previously lived a very simple, peaceful life. Now I'm trying to regain that.

[Star Gazer]

Also as BPDr has said in his posts,my STBXWW was a self centered and self absorbed woman.

 

It's amazing how selfish they can be, never being able to consider the relationship from their partner's perspective. As you know, you're used for a purpose, and abused and discarded when you no longer serve that purpose. They aren't happy in relationships; all of their needs for ego boosts and validation can be found by multi-dating, remaining shallow, never having any emotional depth. They find the effort required to have a meaningful relationship to be too troublesome and annoying, and have commitment phobic traits... all of which causes painful emotional injury to those they're in relationships with, both during and after it ends.

 

I feel for you. :hug:

Edited January 14, 2013 by Star Gazer

[NoMoreJerks]

It's amazing how selfish they can be, never being able to consider the relationship from their partner's perspective. As you know, you're used for a purpose, and abused and discarded when you no longer serve that purpose. They aren't happy in relationships; all of their needs for ego boosts and validation can be found by multi-dating, remaining shallow, never having any emotional depth. They find the effort required to have a meaningful relationship to be too troublesome and annoying, and have commitment phobic traits... all of which causes painful emotional injury to those they're in relationships with, both during and after it ends.

 

I feel for you. :hug:

Wow, you summed it up so well..... this describes my ex to a t. Especially the bolded bit.

[Star Gazer]

Wow, you summed it up so well..... this describes my ex to a t. Especially the bolded bit.

 

It's pathological selfishness. They can't be happy in a relationship because they actually have to care about the other person's happiness. They're incapable of that. They're only focused on their own.

 

It sucks, I know.

[Negative Nancy]

It's amazing how selfish they can be, never being able to consider the relationship from their partner's perspective. As you know, you're used for a purpose, and abused and discarded when you no longer serve that purpose. They aren't happy in relationships; all of their needs for ego boosts and validation can be found by multi-dating, remaining shallow, never having any emotional depth. They find the effort required to have a meaningful relationship to be too troublesome and annoying, and have commitment phobic traits... all of which causes painful emotional injury to those they're in relationships with, both during and after it ends

 

It's pathological selfishness. They can't be happy in a relationship because they actually have to care about the other person's happiness. They're incapable of that. They're only focused on their own.

 

It sucks, I know.

 

 

Clearly you're confusing BPD with NPD.

 

It sucks, I know.

[NoMoreJerks]

Clearly you're confusing BPD with NPD.

 

It sucks, I know.

I think a lot of the time, those who suffer from BPD can have NPD , and vice versa.. Mine was NPD with a sprinkling of BPD..

[Star Gazer]

Clearly you're confusing BPD with NPD.

 

It sucks, I know.

 

Nope, I'm not.

 

Many, many of the characteristics of BPD and NPD are the same. BOTH are so consumed with their own little world with little to no concern for others or how their behavior affects others. Both are abusive. Both are Cluster B personality disorders, along with Histrionic and Antisocial personality disorders, and like like NMJs pointed out, many BPDS have been co-morbidly diagnosed as also having NPD. The degree of functionality among three of them is something like this Histrionics are more able to function in society than narcisssists who in turn fare better than Borderlines.

 

Those close to BPDs or NPDs (most of the folks posting in this thread) find that the ways to deal with them are very much the same, as the effect they have on others close to them are incredibly similar. Both BPDs and NPDs manipulate, lie, deceive, and are amazingly self-centered, and as pointed out above, most of all a complete lack of concern for anyone but themselves. They just choose to cover it up in slightly different ways.

 

Both disorders result in the person with the PD losing all sense of boundaries of self due to lack of emotional discipline. The difference is often that BPD will recognize and admit that they have feelings of inadequacy and will even use expression of those feelings to prevent isolation. NPD will never recognize such feelings - the external world serves either to support their grandiosity or it cowers in secretive jealousy - and they usually do wind up isolated.

 

But the most important similarity, IMO, is that I would advise everyone to avoid dating or getting into a relationship with either of them.

Edited January 14, 2013 by Star Gazer

[M30USA]

I have been reading about how BPDers frequently match up with Narcissists. I am 99% sure my ex wife has BPD. But what I want to discover is if I, myself, have Narcissism. I don't have any particular reason for believing I do, other than how I just read these 2 disorders often pair up. What signs would I look for? I have a general understanding of Narcissism but I want others' feedback since I know people are generally unaware that their own poop smells.

[NoMoreJerks]

I have been reading about how BPDers frequently match up with Narcissists. I am 99% sure my ex wife has BPD. But what I want to discover is if I, myself, have Narcissism. I don't have any particular reason for believing I do, other than how I just read these 2 disorders often pair up. What signs would I look for? I have a general understanding of Narcissism but I want others' feedback since I know people are generally unaware that their own poop smells.

Not necessarily, and if you are questioning whether you do have NPD, chances are that you don't..... you might be one of those care-taker / giver type of people, just as I am... or what they call co-dependents...