Is all abuse unforgiveable?

[Illyana]

Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. He has NEVER put his hands on me and I always felt safe with him. He would never let anyone touch me in such a way.

 

Well I went over to his house recently and he was really drunk. He was drinking liquor and beer. He was REALLY drunk. There was a little going away party for his friend who left to the army. He was in a good mood. He is usually a happy, fun drunk. Well we were having sex but then I told him we had to stop because I was sore from rushing it earlier when his friend went to the store. I scooted away from him and his face got really angry and he pushed my feet away from him. He said what? You don't like me anymore? I had never seen him act this way and I was pretty mad so I said I'm just going to leave. I had my back turned to him and he jumped off the bed, put me in a chokehold, and slammed me to his bed. I was so scared. He is way stronger than me and I don't know how to get out of choke hold. Well he let go, and I quickly moved away from him. I was hysterically crying. He looked at me with this confused look and asked me what was wrong. I told him he just choked the f**k out of me and he would never see me again. He started crying. He asked if he really had done that, if he hit me, and what he did. He would black out and not know why I was crying and ask me again. He was blacked out drunk. I knew I wasn't in any state to drive. It was 3am so I didn't want to call anyone so I went into the spare room, locked the door, and slept in there.

 

 

The next day, when he was sober, I was so angry. I reminded him of last night and he didn't understand. He didn't remember doing it and doesn't know what he was thinking. He apologized, hates himself, and promised me he would never drink. I just don't get it. I've been around him when he was drunk and he has never done something like that. He isn't an abusive person. I've hit him when I'm sleeping if he tries to wake me up. Not like punched him but I am a very cranky person when woken and I have slapped him before. He just laughs. He has never put his hands on me, not even when we fight. I know he wants me to forgive him. I know he is scared of himself and serious about not drinking. I think the drinking thing scared him. I've never been in a situation like this. I don't know what to do.

P.s.

He isn't forcing me to be back with him. He said if I am scared of him, don't see him. He is giving me space and all the time I need right now.

Edited January 4, 2013 by Illyana

[M30USA]

How can you forgive someone who doesn't WANT to be forgiven? The very kind of person who would abuse you is the kind of person who won't admit any wrong and therefore not even ASK for forgiveness. In my opinion, forgiveness requires a person humbling themselves and asking for it--which is the LAST thing an abuser is likely to do.

[Illyana]

He has asked for forgiveness multiple times once he was sober. He cried for it. He is giving me space. Like I said, I am just really confused. I never, ever expected it.

[amaysngrace]

Why do you slap him? You said you hit him when he tries to wake you and slap him sometimes. Why do you do that?

 

And why do you get angry if he puts his hands on you in an aggressive manner?

 

It sounds like a double-standard you have going for yourself. Put your hands on him and that's excusable but if he puts his hands in you it's abuse.

 

Mmmmokay.

[Illyana]

I didn't say I hit him. I said I DO NOT hit him. The slap isn't like aggressive, attack mode. It is more like a tired, playful slap. I don't mean slap like smack so loud you can hear me hit him. Besides, there is a BIG difference between choking someone to the point where they almost pass. You can view it any way you like but according to the law, one is manslaughter and the other isn't.

 

And the slapping thing was ONE time because we had stayed up all night and he was literally in my face, bothering me. I'm not saying it is justified but I think it is a HUGE difference between choking someone.

[carhill]

Kudos to the guy for keeping it (his erection) up when 'really drunk'.

 

His one-time battery is as forgivable as your repetitive episodes of being 'cranky' and slapping him. Up to the two of you where you go from here. I presume both of you are under 25. In time, dynamics and behaviors can change and become more synergistic. If not, incompatibility looms and separate paths are healthier.

 

Good luck.

[Nyla]

Why do you slap him? You said you hit him when he tries to wake you and slap him sometimes. Why do you do that?

 

And why do you get angry if he puts his hands on you in an aggressive manner?

 

It sounds like a double-standard you have going for yourself. Put your hands on him and that's excusable but if he puts his hands in you it's abuse.

 

Mmmmokay.

 

I agree. Anyone who loves to hit others should be prepared for retaliation, whether the instigator is a man or a woman.

 

At least the man is remorseful. I can forgive a one time abusive incident if the man feels ashamed and expresses regret. I would also require a male abuser to attend therapy in order for me to take him back.

 

My husband put his hands on me ONCE. I called the police and they took him away. He was given the choice of therapy or trial and my husband chose therapy because he felt sick about what he did.

 

My choice to forgive him was partially because of the discussion I had with the arresting officer. The gentleman told me that there is always a huge spike of first time domestic violence when a recession hits. Normally non violent men lose their jobs and their pride as providers, so they lash out at their wives. My husband struck me a week after the company he worked for shut down and he was given no severance.

 

If my husband hits me again, I will divorce him. I think it was good that I called the police because that showed my husband I will not tolerate physical abuse. It has been almost four years since that incident...so far, so good.

 

Even though I will never forget and I will always be wary of them, I forgive my mother for being abusive and my father for not protecting me. He was a victim as well and he was scared of my mother. My mother really didn't know any better because she blindly followed the way she was raised when she had her kids. It took years of therapy for me to come to this point.

[M30USA]

I agree. Anyone who loves to hit others should be prepared for retaliation, whether the instigator is a man or a woman.

 

At least the man is remorseful. I can forgive a one time abusive incident if the man feels ashamed and expresses regret. I would also require a male abuser to attend therapy in order for me to take him back.

 

My husband put his hands on me ONCE. I called the police and they took him away. He was given the choice of therapy or trial and my husband chose therapy because he felt sick about what he did.

 

My choice to forgive him was partially because of the discussion I had with the arresting officer. The gentleman told me that there is always a huge spike of first time domestic violence when a recession hits. Normally non violent men lose their jobs and their pride as providers, so they lash out at their wives. My husband struck me a week after the company he worked for shut down and he was given no severance.

 

If my husband hits me again, I will divorce him. I think it was good that I called the police because that showed my husband I will not tolerate physical abuse. It has been almost four years since that incident...so far, so good.

 

Even though I will never forget and I will always be wary of them, I forgive my mother for being abusive and my father for not protecting me. He was a victim as well and he was scared of my mother. My mother really didn't know any better because she blindly followed the way she was raised when she had her kids. It took years of therapy for me to come to this point.

 

My situation was similar, except my XW was the physical abuser. I called the cops and she was taken. A few days later she told me that I needed to make changes so that I don't make her hit me. Sorry.

 

What sickens me is how her parents, in divorce court, seemed to side with her. I was even accused of abusing her--though nobody could give a single example.

[Nyla]

Most parents will take their child's side, even when they are wrong. I don't agree that your in-laws should have defended your ex, but I understand why they did.

 

My husband never blamed me for the abuse. I would not have taken him back if he did.

 

The only ways an abuse victim can "make" the abuser hit them are hitting the abuser first or following the abuser around when they try to remove themselves from the situation. Whomever hits first deserves to hit back. Following someone around is stalking.

[M30USA]

Most parents will take their child's side, even when they are wrong. I don't agree that your in-laws should have defended your ex, but I understand why they did.

 

My husband never blamed me for the abuse. I would not have taken him back if he did.

 

The only ways an abuse victim can "make" the abuser hit them are hitting the abuser first or following the abuser around when they try to remove themselves from the situation. Whomever hits first deserves to hit back. Following someone around is stalking.

 

If I had a child (son or daughter) who physically abused their spouse, I would come down on them harder than you'd believe. I would apologize profusely to their spouse for anything I might have done as a father to make him/her be like that--even if my child didn't apologize themselves. Finally, I couldn't even CONCEIVE of reversing the blame of abuse onto his/her spouse so that we would win the divorce custody. So I disagree. Family does NOT "come first". GOD and TRUTH do. To live otherwise is cowardice. Yes, you might preserve your family in the short run, but in the long run what are you preserving? Deceitfulness and machiavellianism? These are the very things which I am certain that God will judge with righteousness.

Edited January 5, 2013 by M30USA

[Radu]

Alcohol reduces inhibitions.

It is not meant to be used as an excuse but it will explain his behaviour during that episode.

 

Up to you if you want to take him back, though if you do that ... you should also vow to never slap him again.

[Nyla]

If I had a child (son or daughter) who physically abused their spouse, I would come down on them harder than you'd believe. I would apologize profusely to their spouse for anything I might have done as a father to make him/her be like that--even if my child didn't apologize themselves. Finally, I couldn't even CONCEIVE of reversing the blame of abuse onto his/her spouse so that we would win the divorce custody. So I disagree. Family does NOT "come first". GOD and TRUTH do. To live otherwise is cowardice. Yes, you might preserve your family in the short run, but in the long run what are you preserving? Deceitfulness and machiavellianism? These are the very things which I am certain that God will judge with righteousness.

 

I said that most parents will defend their children. I did NOT say that family always comes first; you did. Also, not everyone would react to an abusive adult child the same way as you would. I'm not condoning your in-laws reprehensible behavior, just trying to let you know what they may have been thinking. Denial is very powerful.

 

It is clear that some parents (like your ex's) are willing to lie and sweep things under the rug, so that their adult child's behavior is excused. I find that disgusting and I don't agree with defending adult children when they are abusive to others.

 

I don't blame you for being bitter and angry about the situation with your ex- wife. Sounds like she comes from a family with overindulgent parents who turn a blind eye to their daughter's abusive tendencies. Maybe your in-laws were acting out of spite or fear of not seeing their grandkids if you received custody?

[M30USA]

I said that most parents will defend their children. I did NOT say that family always comes first; you did.

 

I wasn't talking about you, either. I just made a general statement about the potential hazards of the "family first" mentality.

 

Also, not everyone would react to an abusive adult child the same way as you would. I'm not condoning your in-laws reprehensible behavior, just trying to let you know what they may have been thinking. Denial is very powerful.

 

It is clear that some parents (like your ex's) are willing to lie and sweep things under the rug, so that their adult child's behavior is excused. I find that disgusting and I don't agree with defending adult children when they are abusive to others.

 

I don't blame you for being bitter and angry about the situation with your ex- wife. Sounds like she comes from a family with overindulgent parents who turn a blind eye to their daughter's abusive tendencies. Maybe your in-laws were acting out of spite or fear of not seeing their grandkids if you received custody?

 

I'm pretty sure it's all being done by my ex's controlling mom. As I've said before, I believe her father at least KNOWS what's right, but he won't do it because he fears what his wife would do. It's very much like Ahab with his wife Jezebel in the Bible. Ahab is literally AFRAID of her.