My ex did something without my knowledge

[retro80zkids]

My ex wife and i have 50/50 legal and physical custody. I had recently moved and went back to my old place to check the mail. In the mail were two letters from my health insurance saying that my two girls were approved for mental health treatment. (they are 5 and 7) so its saturday and i cant get ahold of anyone and im thinking that a mistake has been made. So monday i call the doctors name on the referral to see what its all about. She calls back after i am at work and just leaves a message saying to call her back. Later that evening my girls tell my fiance that they went to talk to someone "about how there lives were". My finace calls me at work and I came straight home i was so upset. 8 am tuesday i call the dr. she tells me my ex wife brought them there because she wanted to see how they were handling the divorce. News to me!!!! So my finacee and i make an appointment and go to see the doctor. She tells me that my ex wife says that at her house, the girls are crying alot and are acting "skittish" Also news to me. Well, i know i shouldnt have but I vented to the therapist about everything my ex wife keeps pulling. I told her i felt she was a pawn and being used by my ex wife to get back at me. She suggested that my ex wife and her new husband and me and my fiance come in to talk. I am so angry i dont know which way to turn. I need advice about how to handle this. My ex wife is basically trying to make it sound as if there is an abuse situation here. Why else would she say they were "skittish". Somebody please give me some advice!!!!!

[honey2005]

She suggested that my ex wife and her new husband and me and my fiance come in to talk.

 

I agree with her. Maybe she can help all of you work out your differences and maybe if you and your ex wife start getting along better the children will be happier.

[retro80zkids]

I will try! But i think it will continue being a game for my ex. But I will try!

[lioness]

I agree with the therapist and with Honey... it's about the kids here, as frustrated as you may feel with your ex for doing this behind your back. Do whatever is in the best interests of the kids. Obviously, something prompted your ex to make the appointment for your kids - find out why. So put aside the frustration with the ex and put your kids first.

[magda]

That whole thing about "all of you" coming in to talk seems a bit much, but you should definately open the lines of communication with your girls and depending on how things go decide from there whether this needs to be a "group thing".

[retro80zkids]

I know its about the kids- but i really believe my ex is doing this to get at me. Let me give you a list of things that I have been going through (my finace posted here at one time but now its my turn)

 

a. My divorce decree originally said that i pick up the kids at 5:30 am mondays and have them until 5:00 pm thursdays. When i realized that for school aged kids it was too early to pick up on mondays i started asking to either get them sunday nights or later on mondays. she wouldnt discuss it and went as far as to say "be here at 5:30 am or forfiet visits for the week" so i started to put it in writing. that was in may. I gave her my suggestions for a change and asked for hers. She wrote back giving me her suggestions and i went with her suggestion just to end it. That was in late may. since then she wont respond. I told her i agreed to her suggestion and asked her in writing numerous times, when can we start. Nothing!!!! so the girls are still getting up at 4:45 am every monday for pick up at 5:30 am.

 

b. Last month she sent a letter saying that since she couldnt find our youngest daughters shot record, she was starting her shots ALL over again. WHAT???? so i rushed down to the doctors office, gave them my daughters name and birthdate and poof they pulled up the record.

 

c. I have been off our joint account for over three years. This January, i started to get checks for her 1/2 of the insurance premium with MY name back on the checks!!!! I sent her a letter months ago asking to please remove my name from the checks. Still is on there!!!

 

d. She recently got married two months ago and immediately started telling the kids to call her new husband dad. People have different opinions on this but I felt it was just a way to piss me off.

 

c. Not once last year did she participate in school. I dont just mean field trips because i know thats not a requirement as a parent but she didnt go to the parent teacher conference, didnt go to mothers day tea, didnt attend family night, NOTHING! When I asked if I could go to mothers day tea if she didnt go she said, no, your not the mom, im going. Then I find out on monday, She didnt go!!!!!

 

d. I am not allowed to talk to my kids on the three days she has them. She says that its her time. I said she could pick the time and I only wanted five minutes but she said no. The therapist said that it isnt good for kids to talk to the other parent while they are on a visit at the other parents. She said its too confusing!

 

e. For about 3 months my kids kept saying they took medicine over the weekend. When I asked why they would say, "just in case" When i told my ex that if the kids were consitantly sick like this over there I would take them to a doctor because I am worried, the medicine stopped!

 

f. We were spending $300 a month to send my daughter to chrisitian school which is something we agreed upon when we were married. At the time we both agreed that is how they would be raised. Then she ends up marrying someone who is catholic, they start going to catholic church. No discussion again with me. So I just tell her and her husband, if you tell the kids they have to go to catholic church then they have to go, it stops. Just another way to see if she can piss me off.

 

g. I am an officer at a prison. She married a senior officer at the same prison. This man told my five year old little girl that he was going to get her daddy in trouble if he (meaning me) doesnt like you going to catholic church. Suddenly, my shift at work gets changed for no reason which would have made my time with my girls difficult. I had to go to the director of the prison and beg for it to be kept the same. (it was!)

 

I could go on and on but dont I have a reason to be just a little upset. I have letter after letter from me to her begging her to get along for the kids sake. Nothing! Then she just goes and starts therapy without ever once saying she felt the girls had a problem. I will go to this session if it just makes it stop! If we can just each enjoy our time with the kids!

[magda]

It sounds like it's not in your imagination! I hope that her Senior Officer husband got in trouble for abusing his position and threatening you!

 

"The therapist said that it isnt good for kids to talk to the other parent while they are on a visit at the other parents. She said its too confusing!"

 

THAT sounds pretty quacky... unless you and your wife are totally trashing each other behind each others backs. I think you should at least pretend you don't care about each other one way or the other, for their benefit.

 

 

 

I wonder what HER side of the story is... what've you done to get back at her, eh?

[retro80zkids]

Well, i have no proof it was this senior off. that had my shift change. So i let it go.

 

Its not in my mind!!!! I have no clue how to make this stop. I am so good about not trashing mom infront of the kids. And my finace is always there to yank my chain if she thinks im doing something wrong when it comes to mom. (makes sure i am not vindictive!)

 

its just that i am from Brooklyn NY and i am very straight forward and i am afraid that the therapist will see that as being controling or whatever. I told her that while i may come across loud, opinonated and whatever, my kids just see me as daddy and are used to me this way.

[She's Come Undone]

I think you need to get a GOOD lawyer, take her back to court to legally get the times changed to benefit your children.

 

You sound like such a wonderful dad, you're doing the right thing by not playing your ex's game.

 

I know I'd hit the roof if my son were told to call his dad's wife "mom." I'd also be worried about the consequences if they don't call him dad. Hmm.

 

I agree, it's best to 'act' like you get along with their mom in front of them, which leads me to believe you also need to find a GOOD therapist.

 

This situation has my stomach in knots, I feel for you so much!

[retro80zkids]

This therapist said that it is too confusing for me to call on weekends to talk to them but then said we should let them call her husband dad if it feels more comfortable. First of all, they didnt ask to call him dad, their mom told them they could call him dad.

 

I cant afford a lawyer, i called. They all want at least $2500 down and i dont have that or family to borrow from. So I have to play this therapist game for now.

 

Can i legally stop it since it is my insurance???

[lioness]

Can i legally stop it since it is my insurance???

Call your insurance company, at the very least, you might be able to select a therapist of your own choosing, not your ex's.

 

And to quote Moose's words of wisdom on SO many posts:

 

DOCUMENTATION, DOCUMENTATION, DOCUMENTATION!

 

Have you called around to see if you qualify for legal assistance somewhere? You really do need a good attorney in this situation.

[magda]

Yeah, of course you can stop the therapy part... except you should probably find someone at least for your girls. Maybe pick a better therapist - whatever you want. If your ex is this vindictive to you.. well, you don't want your girls to get crazy.

[retro80zkids]

my ex is suddenly changing for the better. Dont know why but just is.

 

Got a payment for 1/2 of the girls insurance premium and the checks no longer have my name on them. Now its hers and her husbands.

 

Got a letter in the mail from her saying her schedule at work has changed and could possibly keep changing, says that 7:30 am is the only solution for Monday pick up time. Here is the background on this:

 

My divorce decree originally said that i pick up the kids at 5:30 am mondays and have them until 5:00 pm thursdays. When i realized that for school aged kids it was too early to pick up on mondays i started asking to either get them sunday nights or later on mondays. she wouldnt discuss it and went as far as to say "be here at 5:30 am or forfiet visits for the week" so i started to put it in writing. that was in may. I gave her my suggestions for a change and asked for hers. She wrote back giving me her suggestions (which was that her husband would drop the kids off at 7:30 am on Mondays and I would bring them back to her on Thursdays) and i went with her suggestion just to end it. That was in late may. since then she wont respond. I told her i agreed to her suggestion and asked her in writing numerous times, when can we start. Nothing!!!! so the girls are still getting up at 4:45 am every monday for pick up at 5:30 am.

 

Now the only kicker is, she doesnt want the change legally filed. Says this will only be on a "trial basis" because her schedule might change again.

 

Am I unreasonable if I request pickup time to be on Sunday nights at their bedtime instead. It isnt really fair that because of her schedule changes, my life, the kids and my finaces life have to keep changing, right? I really dont want to be difficult but she said her schedule was "eratic and varied" and could possibly change again.

 

What do you all think? How would it be a good way to word it?

 

BTW, still no word from her about the whole therapist situation. The girls have another appt on friday (dr's office told me) my fiance and I will be there to talk to the dr afterwards.

[supermom]

I am sorry to hear you go through this. Divorce is almost always ugly.

 

#1. I DON'T agree with your therapist that your children shouldn't talk to you on the weekends AND that they should call the stepdad "dad" if it is more comfortable. Now I will tell you that my sister and I call our stepdad "dad" only when our dad isn't present. And because he has been a wonderful man and we love him. He doesn't replace our dad either (btw I'm 25, sis is 21)

 

#2. I DON'T agree with your wife doing things regarding your children with out consulting you first. Why does she only consult her husband? He didn't help make them, he should have no say regarding your children. Ask her if she would like it if your fiance got involved like her husband does.

 

#3 Redoing children's shots btw can hurt them. Your ex is trying to piss you off.

 

#4 Shows her husbands immaturity to mess with your schedule like that at work. I'd report him.

 

Why are you guys only writting to each other, don't you talk on the phone? I think that the 4 of you should have a civil meeting regarding the children. Put away differences for the time being. If you all could possibly get along, the tension wouldn't be there to affect the girls like that. And she wonders why they are "skiddish", probably because she's ranting and raving like a child herself. Can't she see that her actions are hurting as well?

 

Good luck to you. I felt frustrated myself reading your post, can't imagine what your going through.

[Yikes]

My wife and I share our kids 50/50 as well. If she put our two kids in therapy WITHOUT discussing it with me first I would be furious!! It's not about whether the need the therapy or not, SHE should not be making these decisions without consulting me. They are my chidren too! I would like to be involved, I would like to know what things that I should be watching for. In our case it was actually me that felt that our kids could possibly benefit from talking with a counsellor. I didn't go ahead and set it up, I discussed it with my ex first. She didn't feel that it was necessary. (I think that she was more afraid of what the kids might say) In the end we decided to just carry on, the kids were doing pretty well anyway, I simply thought that it couldn't hurt and I had some minor concerns.

 

My point is this, neither parent should be left out of these decisions. If I pulled a stunt like that, I would EXPECT my wife to go ballistic.

 

As I've said repeatedly to my ex, "For whatever reason you were unable to work with me as a partner and spouse, but for the sake of the kids work WITH ME as a parent".

 

Just my two cents.

[retro80zkids]

I did go balistic but not infront of my ex or even in writing. Thats what she would want. I went balisitc in front of the therapist! I know, I know, not good but these are beautiful kids she is messing with. At first I was thinking, NO WAY my kids wont be seen again. But that just makes me look controling right? So I figured, let them go, there is nothing that can hurt them and I know I am not doing anything wrong so........

 

But what should I do about Mondays??? I hate to keep repeating myself but I need advice! I'll recap again:

 

Got a letter in the mail from her saying her schedule at work has changed and could possibly keep changing, says that 7:30 am is the only solution for Monday pick up time. Here is the background on this:

 

My divorce decree originally said that i pick up the kids at 5:30 am mondays and have them until 5:00 pm thursdays. When i realized that for school aged kids it was too early to pick up on mondays i started asking to either get them sunday nights or later on mondays. she wouldnt discuss it and went as far as to say "be here at 5:30 am or forfiet visits for the week" so i started to put it in writing. that was in may. I gave her my suggestions for a change and asked for hers. She wrote back giving me her suggestions (which was that her husband would drop the kids off at 7:30 am on Mondays and I would bring them back to her on Thursdays) and i went with her suggestion just to end it. That was in late may. since then she wont respond. I told her i agreed to her suggestion and asked her in writing numerous times, when can we start. Nothing!!!! so the girls are still getting up at 4:45 am every monday for pick up at 5:30 am.

 

Now the only kicker is, she doesnt want the change legally filed. Says this will only be on a "trial basis" because her schedule might change again.

 

Am I unreasonable if I request pickup time to be on Sunday nights at their bedtime instead. It isnt really fair that because of her schedule changes, my life, the kids and my finaces life have to keep changing, right? I really dont want to be difficult but she said her schedule was "eratic and varied" and could possibly change again.

 

So what do I do? Please give me some idea how to handle this!!!!

 

Also, for the person who asked why we dont talk on the phone and we do things in writing - its because my ex and I have a he said/she said aspect and when we agree to things she ends up deny it...........hence, in writing.

[Yikes]

It's certainly tough to work through with lines of communication that are so poor. I'm sorry, but I have no suggestions here. Your ex sounds awefully difficult. My only comment would be I would do whatever I could so my kids would not have to be dragged out of their warm bed at that rediculous hour... that is insane! Maybe it can't be helped, but I would hate for my kids to go through that.

 

Sorry if this has already been asked (I only had time to quickly skim the posts), can you not do the pick-up later in the day after school or a day at the sitter?

 

As I'm sure you are aware, when the parents cannot find common ground, the kids are the ones that suffer. I often have to fake it, but kids think that I still like their mom. (some days I tollerate her, most days I would rather go have root canal)

[retro80zkids]

I have tried to deal with this so many different ways. Gave her suggestions about change, she wrote back and gave me her suggestions. I picked one, went with it and then crickets since May. Not a respond or anything! Let me ask if you know this (back to the therapist thing!) Do you know if a therapist can see my kids without contacting me first? She admitted to me that she knew I didnt know about it yet. Her exact words were, "I told her (my ex) to tell you about it and she said that you would get a letter from your insurance company about it." I just know that somewhere there is a law being broken isnt there? ugh!!!!!!!!!!!

[Yikes]

Sorry, I don't know what he rules are about that. In our separation agreement it is spelled out that we have to consult the other about all issues pertaining to the kid's welfare. I don't expect a call if my daughter wants to wear pink socks and my ex wants her to wear black socks, but if she has to go to the emergency ward for stiches or an ear infection, I know that I'll get a call. If I didn't, there would be trouble.

 

Cutting you out of decisions or being uncooperative is just plain inconsiderate and disrespectful besides not being in the kids best interest.

[retro80zkids]

I was thinking about stopping the visits and refusing them to use my insurance because I know its just away for my ex to make me upset but then I realized, she would just take them out of pocket and the courts would make me pay for half of that!

 

This is just so unreal......My kids have another appointment on Friday and I will be there to find out what the doctor says afterwards. The therapist said that the only thing she saw was that my youngest (5yrs) said when asked how she felt about herself that she only likes it when she is all made up pretty. Um sounds like a five year old to me but now this therapist is running with it and says "there must be self esteme issues". Oh lord here we go!

[retro80zkids]

Unreal! So the kids had another appoinment today with the therapist. So I call 1/2 hour before the appointment to confirm the time and guess what, mom cancelled and didnt reschedule. (btw, mom still hasnt mentioned a word to me about the therapist no matter how many times I have written a letter asking for her to discuss it)

 

So my finace and I go to see the doctor anyway. The dr says she believes us and says that while she cant disclose what my oldest told her, she suggests that we asks her why she is skittish at moms. the dr assured me it wasnt anything dangerous or abuse wise and that it was something that happened at moms that my oldest doesnt want a repeat of. Ok, so now I wait until monday to talk to my kids. (mom doesnt allow me phone contact on weekends.)

 

Ill keep you posted!

[Cure E Us]

I have read your threads and about your ex's behavior toward you and I have a question....why is your ex so angry with you? Her actions are telling you big time that she's upset and its obvious that her anger is festering inside her and coming out in her actions toward you. Unless you get to the root of her anger, you will continue to have issues and you will continue to deal with each one of them as they come up and new ones will only keep cropping up.

 

I suggest you talk with her (not to her or at her but with her) about why she is angry with you. Approach her with a willingness to understand and then make the effort to truly listen and to put yourself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective. You may very well find she is operating under misunderstandings and if you can set her straight, then that will help immensely. If there is something you did that was by no means a misunderstanding, you owe her a sincere (emphasis on sincere) apology. Swallow your pride for the sake of your respective partners, your children as well as yourselves and offer a sincere apology if one is due. If simply saying (and meaning what you say) "I'm sorry for hurting you" could save you a lifetime of hurt, wouldn't you do it???

 

I know this may sound next to impossible to do, but isn't peace between you worth it???? Good luck..... :0)

[retro80zkids]

With all do respect, I disagree.

 

While I know she must not like me because I wanted the divorce, I understand that. I wanted to stay friends with her but she didnt want that at all so........we arent friends.

 

But, with that said, there is never any excuse for using our two beautiful children as pawns against me. I have done my part by agreeing to EVERYTHING she ever asks. Including my monday morning issue. She said her work schedule wasnt good any longer and after long thought about it, I sent her a letter back saying whatever she wanted was good.

 

Look, I am sorry she is bitter that we arent married anymore. I told her when I divorced her how sorry I was. She saw how it tore me up to leave but I just wasnt in love with her and we were both miserable. But now its time to raise our kids. Not to mess with them just to get back at one another. It has been years since we split and I am NOT going to continue to appologize. She has remarried and I am about to also. Apparently, it is her who needs the help, dont you think. BTW, I sometime wonder if it is more an issue she has with marriage in general. I was her 3rd husband and with each marriage, the man asked for the divorce. She is now married to #4 and I am hoping she married for love this time. The marriage did come on suddenly.

 

Anyway, we will see. For now, I just want to love my kids and enjoy the time I have with them. Thank you lord for that time!