Confused by STBXH's behavior lately...any advice?

[Sunshine628]

My H and I were only married a year when he left. We have 2 year old twins together. Well, the last 4 months of our marriage was really on the rocks. In January 2004, he left and got his own apartment an hour and a half away from us.

 

It's been 8 months since we've been seperated. I initiated reconciliation twice with him. The first time, he was willing, but was acting like a jerk and I decided to say "forget it", of course we were both bitter, angry and resentful towards eachother for the first 4-5 months. And then I tried again...he agreed and then a week later, he changed his mind.

 

Since then, we have gone to court over temporary support because he decided to cut me and the kids off financially because I did not act like I 'cared' enough when he was financially supporting me and the kids. As a result, I took him to court soon after to get temporary support and filed for Divorce.

 

After the court proceeding, we didn't speak for 2 months. He didn't come visit the kids or anything. Then, a few weeks ago he called to come visit them. By this time, a lot of my hurt and anger faded and I was nothing but civil with him. The following 2 times he came to visit he tried to argue with me - I did not give in. I told him that I did not want to argue and wanted to keep our conversations to the kids and visitation. And within this time, I had found out from my attorney that he finally recieved the Divorce papers - so I wondered if that had something to do with him showing up again wanting to argue with me, etc. (who knows)

 

Well, last Sunday, he tried to argue with me once again - blaming the argument on me (a good excuse to get out of visitation). I told him that I was going to let my attorney know that he had planned visitation and did not show.

 

A few hours later, he calls back and wanted to end things on a 'positive note'. He started off by saying, "I can't turn back time, but there were things I could've done better, I was harsh to you at times. And what is it with this 180 that you're pulling? what'd you find a boyfriend who's making you happy? did you get laid or something? You might think I'm living the 'single life' out here, but I'm not. I don't have a girlfriend or anything like that and I don't have any friends out here. I basically go to work and go to the gym, that's it. This wasn't exactly the future that I had hoped for. You made me feel worthless as a husband and a father and I never felt like you really loved me or cared about me." And I said to him, "for what it's worth, I am sorry that I made you feel like that - you would withdraw, I would get angry, and it would turn into a viscious cylce of hurting eachother. But I never meant to hurt you and I did love and care about you." I told him that I was happy and doing fine, and I asked him if he was happy and he said, "I am surviving."

 

Now, I was surprised to hear that from him because he actually initiated that conversation (usually I'd be the one). And a week and a half has gone by and we have been getting along just fine. He has been nice to me. And I truely feel that we are past the hurt and anger.

 

But, no real initiative or interest on his part since then to reconcile. I took it as a 'spark' of hope. Maybe I expected too much from that conversation. Was I wrong to get that impression, that there could be some hope? or am I just disecting this too much?

 

I really don't want a Divorce, not at all. But, I haven't seen any real action on his part to stop the Divorce. And he's changed his mind every other time we talked about reconciling. So, it was just a surprise to me that he even came out and initiated such a conversation - there was more to the conversation than that (I brought up the fact that he had said in the past hurtful things to me like, "I love our kids, not you, I feel emptiness in my heart for you anymore" and then told me he only said that out of anger).

 

I am confused. And every time I send him a quick email to discuss visitation or anything financial (I keep the emails very brief, civil and to the point) he does respond in a very civil/nice manner and always tell me to give him a call to discuss it further. And then asks if I would like him to take out some cash for me until the support check clears.

 

I know that I am probably getting my hopes up way too much. The Divorce probably won't be final for another 5 months. I am really confused. Do I just 'ride this out' and see what happens? I do strongly doubt that he will make any real attempts to show that he doesn't want this Divorce.

 

I am just not sure if in the next week or so I should ask if he's willing to talk further about that discussion that we had or if I should just 'let this go' and see what happens. But as far as us getting along as two people is concerned, it has really improved in the past couple of weeks. And it is a relief. Oh...and the other day before he came for visitation, I told him that I would help him with the kids as much as I could, but then I had to leave. He asked, "what do you have a hot date or something? and I said, "why do you keep asking me questions like that?" and he said he was just joking with me. ...Okay, whatever!

 

 

Thanks,

Dawn

[Craig]

I have a couple of questions, what specifically was going on to cause your marriage to be on the rocks for 4 months and what are the arguments usually over?

[Sunshine628]

Well, actually 8 months prior to our seperation, my H got a great job, but had a long commute (1 1/2 hours each way). So, the new commute was taking a toll on him. I never felt like he helped me enough with the twins, I always felt like he'd go into his 'cave' all the time and neglected me and the kids. He said that he felt that I had a hard time 'adjusting' to having kids, being a first time mom and not really talking with my friends anymore and missing my job, etc. Plus, he would get up super late to go to work and as a result, would get home after the kids have gone to bed.

 

I did try to talk to my H about how I felt that he constantly distanced himself from me, and the kids sometimes as well. But, of course, we had our good times as well. Our 1st wedding, Feb. 15th 2003 was a small civil ceremony...this past September, we had a more 'traditional' style wedding...family, friends, etc. Two days after our wedding he wanted to move us out to where his work was - an hour and a half away from all of my family (who were a great help with me and the twins (they were 14 months at the time) only 3 weeks after our wedding. I was stressed as it was...taking care of the kids and working part-time to help finance the wedding (my family and H contributed as well). I was just not ready for the move, but he was persistent anyway and signed a lease to move 3 weeks later. I was so upset. I didn't mind moving out to where he worked, it was just bad timing.

 

After that, our marriage was like a roller coaster. One week we totally loved eachother, next week we'd hate eachother. And then, after an argument, he walked out.

 

I do not suspect that he was having an affair. I did my own PI work (lol) ... just because 'ya never know', but I didn't find anything that would make me think that he left because he was having an affair.

 

He blamed me for everything, etc. And I guess now he is somewhat admitting that he could've done better in certain ways, etc.

 

I just don't know how I should take those comments that he made. I guess I should just take it with a grain of salt and see what happens.

 

I would love to get a 'man's' point of view on this though, it would be interesting to here some comments.

 

Dawn

[Elmer Fudd]

My husband and I got married then he filed Jul 3, 2003, I was served and responded. Today I tried to inintiate the last portion of it I have anappt with a lawyer tomorrow. He is/was very attentive and he thinks just because he is 266 pounds, balding about to retire [or maybe has, he never tells me the exact about anything] He also [partowner of a home near Folsom Lake. He is an engineer and just bought a new cruiser. He works dntn so he says, won't allow me at his office oh bcaz of security, yeah they do have it but he has let me in after hours well twice. That was years ago. His son lives in the Bay Area and attends the uni there as his gf from SB. Now to the dirt. He abuses me constantly. I was physically kicked out and left Oct 03 and stayed w/Aunt in a trailer park. Then he allowed me to move back in Dec. We didn't spend Xmas day together or my bday/anniv. April. Now I am seeking divorce. I want out. He has kicked me out 4 times since this year. Really. He hits me spits on me. Unless I bow down to him, I am being a b_____h. He also works nites doing blue prints for extra money and has a substantial income from this addtnl income. Yes he works hard.

 

Basically this all has led to me breaking down mentally and now have asked to just call it quits. I have tried, seeing a councelor, he calls me psych, dillusional, and slaps me around. I have a retail job that makes minimal wages, but will get another job if necessary. I have not asked for anything. Yesterday he assigned my name to his retirement but I also suggested that since I am questioning his true motives that since he didn't file the remaining part of ourt divorce that I felt this 'gesture' was questionable. [He is the only one to change beneficiaries at any given time w/in 12 months.

 

Now, I want out. I can no longer deal with his silent moodiness and BS. Yes he is home by 4:15, And he leave for wk by 6:-7 am. I try to be attentive and loving but if I stray oneiota emotionally there is 'some dirty deed or attitude' my personality is off. I don't go out and will occasionally dress nicely; not cocktails dresses, to make myself feel better to visit my sisters or mother as I have few friends and he doesn't care for them or family. He is accepted and respectedby them and refuses to spend any time w/them, they are losers and bums, yet he has been verbally and physically rude towards them, so I leave home to visit them. One example; My uncle and sister and I straightened up the tools in the garage {I got him a 5shelf stand for his b-daythe garage was a mess!] and this was really the only gift he accepted for his b-day in June. The same gift giving xmas, valentines, [there wasn't any for me; or any holiday. I spent time effort money he told me to return all items. The items that didn t fit ok I'm not totally effected thru common sense, but all holidays are never celebrated together.

 

Ok, we walk my chihauhau to the river together. But hey we sleep eat make love daily together. He tells me he loves me.

He wants us to be together forever.

 

But I hate to say his abuse to me and constant anger at abrupt times requires counceling as I am tired of hiding my bruises and was willing to further our r/s towards a more positive next level. He expects it all and right now. OR ELSE Get Out! He'll call the cops. What should I do? How can I convince him I cared enough to let go of the past but I get lonely, so I read the forums or surf the net. School is out, and I had such minor dreams to start again and really looked forward to a new start, now I really look forward to getting away from this maniac, He is mean demeaning and scary. any suggestion to go out, [i pay] for a simple outing is denied. He says I need to earn it first

!

I want out, since he has filed [last yr]. I now need to get a lawyer, an expense I don't really have. Last nite was the last straw. His accusations and hitting have finally taken its toll. And its funny a week and 1/2 ago was one of best times I recall in our 8 yrs together. He claims it was an act! Drama. Yet we never argued, made love 1-2 daily for 10 days, it was bliss.

 

Then Friday, this wkend he changed, snap! just like that and said he was sick of my attitude and he wanted to kill me.

That was it! Any suggestions to get some low income help. I dont have much money and now where really to go. I'm thinking of living in my car.