Spouse changed their mind?

[CarboniteCammy]

have any of you ever been in a situation where your husband or wife was ok with something before you got married, but then after you got married you found out that they weren't ok with it?

 

how did you handle it?

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Do tell, otherwise my mind will wander and you don't want that. Doesn't really want to be a swinger? Refuses to get the rest of the operation to be a true man/woman? Decided not to stop turning tricks for work? Not down with back-door loving?

[standtall]

have any of you ever been in a situation where your husband or wife was ok with something before you got married, but then after you got married you found out that they weren't ok with it?

 

how did you handle it?

 

Yes, many things.

 

 

 

It all depends how big the "something" is. If it is something minor like the way you flip your hair or your a mouth breather...then no biggie...you/they just have to accept the way you/they are since part of marriage is about compromise and sacrifice, but if it is something along the lines of not liking sex or your religion, then your going to have to deal with it....your results may vary depending upon the "something". Those big things should have been dealt with prior to marriage anyway...that is the purpose of courtship and engagement.

Edited January 4, 2013 by standtall

[carhill]

My exW liked the idea of living in the country before we got married, or so she indicated, but grew tired of it once she began commuting to town each day to work. I offered to put her business on the property but she decided it was more profitable to commute. My last function as a husband was to buy a house in town to switch our commutes. She still lives there. There were other 'changes' but this was an example of a clear and concrete change. Before we got married, she was renting a duplex and I had owned my place for about 13 years, so it seemed obvious how things would go, especially since I made my living there. No surprises from my side.

[CarboniteCammy]

Swinger? Ewh. Not my bag, baby. Thanks, though. I'm about as vanilla as you could *possibly* imagine in every single way. Nothing interesting here.

 

No, it's actually about a hobby I have that was something very dear to me.

 

My husband went so far, when we were together, as to become somewhat involved with it.

 

Now that we have the baby, he doesn't want me to participate in the hobby.

 

The problem for me is that some of my dreams and aspirations were tied into this hobby. It was sort of a way for me to define myself. Something I really know alot about that I just...really loved.

 

Honestly, had I known he would change his mind about it...I probably wouldn't have given him a second date, let alone marry him. That's honestly how important this is to me.

 

I'm just having a hard time letting go of it, I guess.

[jwi71]

Swinger? Ewh. Not my bag, baby. Thanks, though. I'm about as vanilla as you could *possibly* imagine in every single way. Nothing interesting here.

 

No, it's actually about a hobby I have that was something very dear to me.

 

My husband went so far, when we were together, as to become somewhat involved with it.

 

Now that we have the baby, he doesn't want me to participate in the hobby.

 

The problem for me is that some of my dreams and aspirations were tied into this hobby. It was sort of a way for me to define myself. Something I really know alot about that I just...really loved.

 

Honestly, had I known he would change his mind about it...I probably wouldn't have given him a second date, let alone marry him. That's honestly how important this is to me.

 

I'm just having a hard time letting go of it, I guess.

 

Then don't let it go. Why should you?

 

I would say it is healthy for a married partners to have activities that the other doesn't partake in. Its GOOD to have a little sphere of life just for you.

 

Why does he object to it now as opposed to before the baby?

[melodymatters]

Is it a "dangerous" hobby ? The closest I can think of are woman who were cool with their partner riding motorcycles and would even ride with them, but after a baby, they re read the statistics and say " You know, I'm thinking maybe you should sell the bike, I don't want to raise this kid alone."

[2sunny]

Swinger? Ewh. Not my bag, baby. Thanks, though. I'm about as vanilla as you could *possibly* imagine in every single way. Nothing interesting here.

 

No, it's actually about a hobby I have that was something very dear to me.

 

My husband went so far, when we were together, as to become somewhat involved with it.

 

Now that we have the baby, he doesn't want me to participate in the hobby.

 

The problem for me is that some of my dreams and aspirations were tied into this hobby. It was sort of a way for me to define myself. Something I really know alot about that I just...really loved.

 

Honestly, had I known he would change his mind about it...I probably wouldn't have given him a second date, let alone marry him. That's honestly how important this is to me.

 

I'm just having a hard time letting go of it, I guess.

 

Stand firm if you're passionate about your hobby.

 

He doesn't need to like it - he just needs to respect your choices.

[standtall]

Hobby? In general, that is one of the small things..he accept you and it.

[CarboniteCammy]

Well...my hobby was being very involved in dog sports, and the plan has been to breed my one girl and to get a puppy to show and do herding and agility and the like.

 

My husband went so far as to let me health test my girl (not cheap) and pick out a stud dog (an ordeal in and of itself) and now he says he doesn't want a puppy, that it's too much responsibility with the baby.

 

I get it. It's different when my hobby involves live animals.

 

I just am sad about it, because he says no dogs until the kids are mostly grown and that will be about a decade.

 

I wish he had said something a long long time ago. I've had my heart set on this for the better part of two years and I must respect his wishes. Puppies are responsibility for EVERYONE in the family; not just one person.

 

Shoes will be chewed. Accidents will happen. Puppies must be worked with and trained. Everyone must be on board. If it's not, then there's no doing it.

 

I don't want to take the negativity I feel about this situation out on my husband, and I just wish I had some kind of outlet for it. That's why I posted. I think he's making what he feels is the best decision under the circumstances, and I don't fault him for that.

 

It's not like he's trying to hurt my feelings.

 

I just can't help but think, "Dude, you KNEW I was a dog fanatic when we dated. We did herding classes together and you knew this was super important to me."

 

Ah well. I guess this is just part of being married.

[Snowflower]

I just can't help but think, "Dude, you KNEW I was a dog fanatic when we dated. We did herding classes together and you knew this was super important to me."

 

 

I would tell him this. ^^^

 

Did you talk about this specifically before you married? That you were going to continue with your dog sports, even after your marriage and children?

 

You may have to compromise on this one though, as unfair as it is to you, if you want to have a happy marriage.

 

If you get him to agree to "let you" (bad term but I can't think of another one right now)begin with your sport again once your child is older, can you find another way to participate in the sport right now without actually owning/breeding your own dogs? You know, judging shows, helping friends you make through the sport with their own animals, assist with training classes, serve on committees/work for publications, etc.?

 

Sorry I can't give you any more useful advice than that.

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm not sure what the disconnect is/was for him.

 

When I first dated anyone, I would always say, "Love me, love my dogs." Anyone who didn't think my lifestyle would work for them was joyfully kicked to the curb, because this was one of my "no compromise" issues.

 

He was *very* *very* *very* well aware of my feelings about this.

 

I can stay involved in dog sports as time will allow. This breeding was a really big deal for me in ways that its difficult to explain to someone who isn't as dog-insane as I am.

 

My husband wants me to put more focus on him and the baby, so I guess that my extracurricular activities will now screetch to a halt. I respect him and I respect his decision and because I vowed under God to put this marriage first, I will do so. This is definitely, however, one of the more difficult moments for me.

[Radu]

I'm not a dog person, and i think the whole animal show is one nice way of breeding stupid animals who are just one step away from mental retardation [had many dogs and cats ... all of them were not 'race' ones]; i mention this to understand how much i personally agree with your hobby.

 

You vowed under God, but so did he.

It all boils down to you having to give up temporarily something that has driven you for a long time, even though he implicated that he was ok with it.

While i agree with him, if you let this go it will affect your marriage.

Marriage is a compromise, but it sounds like the compromise was about you giving up something.

So you know what ?; make sure he understands what you had to give up, how much it meant to you ... and have him make a sacrifice as well.

Otherwise you will end up in an unhealthy dynamic where one member in that marriage does the compromising while the other does no compromising.

[jwi71]

I'm not a dog person, and i think the whole animal show is one nice way of breeding stupid animals who are just one step away from mental retardation [had many dogs and cats ... all of them were not 'race' ones]; i mention this to understand how much i personally agree with your hobby.

 

You vowed under God, but so did he.

It all boils down to you having to give up temporarily something that has driven you for a long time, even though he implicated that he was ok with it.

While i agree with him, if you let this go it will affect your marriage.

Marriage is a compromise, but it sounds like the compromise was about you giving up something.

So you know what ?; make sure he understands what you had to give up, how much it meant to you ... and have him make a sacrifice as well.

Otherwise you will end up in an unhealthy dynamic where one member in that marriage does the compromising while the other does no compromising.

 

I disagree.

 

Now we are "keeping score" - ie, I gave up something so now you must as well. Thats not a healthy dynamic at all. And it certainly isn't compromise - its making her H pay for her sacrifice. Its a power play - on BOTH parts tbh.

 

Compromise. You move a little and he does the same.

 

Perhaps instead of waiting ten years, wait 3. Then breed. But increase your dog related activities and HE can stay home with the baby while you're out.

 

I'd walk that path and not some quid pro quo.

[Mr. Lucky]

So you know what ?; make sure he understands what you had to give up, how much it meant to you ... and have him make a sacrifice as well.

Tell him that if this keeps up, he's on the verge of giving up sex. Maybe that will put it in perspective for him .

 

OP, stand your ground. I'm assuming you'll be doing the heavy lifting involved in the dog's care so it will be a peripheral issue for him at worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clockwork]

I am trying to think of something big but I can't really. We talked about having kids before we even got engaged. Even knew what we would name our first son. We were going to wait at least a couple years before having kids, that didn't change either. Sex didn't change either, before marriage, after marriage and after our son was born. Honestly, for me there hasn't been a dip in production in that department at all.

[CarboniteCammy]

Radu- I could give a flying F what you think about my hobby, personally. I could care less what kinds of dogs you've had/have/will have other then to feel sorry for them for having such a jerk for an owner. Plus, I'd bet $$$$ my dogs have a higher IQ then your kids. How's that for being insulting?

 

Please keep your opinions to yourself on this. I didn't ASK if you liked my hobby. I ASKED for advice on my marriage.

 

Thanks. Love, CC. <3 <3

 

As to everyone else, honestly, thanks for the advice.

 

I'

m

not gonna keep score on this and go tit for tat with him. I love him. I married him. He comes first.

 

We'll just have to find a way to compromise on this.

 

And yeah, I do the "heavy lifting."

 

The thing of it is, he has a valid point. He'll have to do more work around the house for me to spend time training a puppy. Not that he really does all that much now around the house LOL

 

I'

m

thinking of going to therapy for some life issues and some marital issues I haven't mentioned here and get some professional help navigating this stuff.