venusianx13 Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 My boyfriend (and I) got a new dog two weeks ago, and while it was sooner than I had wanted (I wanted to wait until we were engaged and I was living with him, which I think will happen within the next couple of months), but we did it to save her life. She most likely would have been put down had we not taken her in. She is staying with my boyfriend, but we consider her to be both of ours. She is, for the most part, a love, but she comes with some challenges. (chewing things, jumping over gates in the house, needs to be socialized, etc.) Ever since we've gotten her, my boyfriend has been preoccupied and rarely initiates intimacy. I know it's only been two weeks, and maybe I'm just being impatient, but it starting to take a toll on me and make me feel undesireable. We used to have sex about 2 times daily. And it was always fantastic. I'm not sure if he's just stressed, as he also has some things going on at work, but he is suddenly very hands off with me. I've asked him, and he is adamant that he still desires me very much. Okay, so what then? Why? I ended up crying in bed last night, and he overheard and held me, assured me of how much he loves me and that nothing is wrong. I am incredibly frustrated. Could it really be that he is overwhelmed by this new addition to his life (the dog) and the things going on at work, that his sex drive has waned so suddenly? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 A new dog can be very wearing on a person. Whatever help you can give with the dog and its requirements the better chance you will see him swing back to the old boyfriend you knew and love. Any chance for some doggy daycare of training classes? Like a new baby, maybe surprising him with having fully taken care of the dog, a good run in with it, or away at doggy daycare, dinner, etc for your boyfriend and see if he rebounds. Definitely for most of those issues, you need to set up training with the dog as you guys are establishing the leadership dynamics right now with her. She should have proper chew toys, start crate training, etc. What are you doing to help him with the dog? Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Thanks for your reply! I've been helping him with taking her outside, feeding her, buying her toys and chews, assisting him in getting things she needs, and last night, I finally convinced him to get a crate for her with me. He really thought he could contain her with gates and confine her to the kitchen, but had a change of heart once she jumped the gate and chewed something important to him (luckily it wasn't harmful to her!) I've also helped with training (one-word commands and such) since he doesn't have much experience in training dogs. He's in full-on new daddy mode... I was impressed with this at first, but as I said, I'm starting to feel resentful and frustrated. I guess I'll see how this weekend goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 If he has never trained an animal before it will be beneficial for everyone to take a class with the dog. Most people are too submissive and lack with their dogs and creates anxiety for the poor animal. Crate training has many benefits for the dog that will only benefit her but you have to know how and why it is done. Please please please, the dog is not a child, do not coddle it. This dog is showing training issues and you have to be able to communicate properly with it. With our dog, the worst one with it is my SO. He allows and will encourage jumping, high energy, etc and it slows down our dogs training. Keep the training going with lots of treats and look into clicker training as well. The dog needs to understand nothing is free and most work for bit of food. This doesn't mean it has to go get a job but a sit, stay and look at me for dinner, etc. I would be flexible with him. His priorities will most likely shift back. But if it is too long, sit down with him and have a heart to heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 Yes, agreed. She needs help that is beyond what bf and I can give. Today, she chewed and broke the plastic bottom to her crate. It's still useable, but still...not a good thing. Tomorrow, we have to take her to the vet. Maybe they can recommend a good obedience class for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Your post actually reminds me of another dynamic that affects guys. When their wives get pregnant, have the kid and all of her attention, nurturing and affection goes into the baby and they get sidetracked. I'm not saying this to gloat, but to maybe help you understand what is going on with him. PS: Chewing can be stress relief for dogs. Once she gets more settled in, and knows she won't get kicked to the curb, i think she will tone it down. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 In a long-term relationship, sexual patterns will have their ups and downs. A downturn in sexual activity for 2 weeks isn't a big deal. Give him a little time to adjust to the change in your household. And talk to him CALMLY and RATIONALLY about what you are feeling. No crying in bed. Just say "Hey, I am missing sex. What say we get it on tonight?" Your relationship is going to have a much better chance of surviving if you can get to a place where you communicate instead of over-analyze what he's doing and assume the worst. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 In a long-term relationship, sexual patterns will have their ups and downs. A downturn in sexual activity for 2 weeks isn't a big deal. Give him a little time to adjust to the change in your household. And talk to him CALMLY and RATIONALLY about what you are feeling. No crying in bed. Just say "Hey, I am missing sex. What say we get it on tonight?" Your relationship is going to have a much better chance of surviving if you can get to a place where you communicate instead of over-analyze what he's doing and assume the worst. Very good point, and if i remember correctly you once mentioned in a thread you were hypersensitive to changes in behaviour ... from an ex or something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted January 4, 2013 Author Share Posted January 4, 2013 I can't blame the dog for being stressed. She came up from Georgia as a stray, and her last owners relinquished her after a week because they weren't "ready for the responsibility." At any rate, he knows I am feeling "frustrated", and yes, I am very sensitive, which works fore me and against me in different scenarios. Crying in bed last night was pretty silly, but it was just an overall bad day in general. However, he is, by far, the best partner I've ever had. We've been together 10 months...I guess it was pretty far-fetched for me to expect that there'd be no wane at all in our intimacy. I hope things kick up a notch again, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparty97 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 2 weeks? Call us when it's been a month plus. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 2 times a day seems like a lot of sex to me. I dunno about other guys but it gets a lot less pleasurable if I do it that often for an extended amount of time, even in my prime. I always thought every other day would be a nice frequency, but even that is more than average. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 am i the only one who thinks it might not be about the dog?? maybe 'your' pet was a mistake because it's actually 'his' pet - it's living in his home 24/7 and you're not. he might be feeling a bit of resentment right now too - because he's troubled with this animal and you're not. your instinct to wait was right and you should have .. it's wonderful you saved a life, but lets not hope it's at the expense of your relationship. almost engaged isn't engaged and that prospect is just that .. a prospect - you jumped the gun and he might be upset a bit, with emotional stuff about the dog and you, which would perhaps lead to descreased intimacy Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I can't blame the dog for being stressed. She came up from Georgia as a stray, and her last owners relinquished her after a week because they weren't "ready for the responsibility." At any rate, he knows I am feeling "frustrated", and yes, I am very sensitive, which works fore me and against me in different scenarios. Crying in bed last night was pretty silly, but it was just an overall bad day in general. However, he is, by far, the best partner I've ever had. We've been together 10 months...I guess it was pretty far-fetched for me to expect that there'd be no wane at all in our intimacy. I hope things kick up a notch again, though. You could use the whole situation as a test, if you are ok with having kids with this guy ... provided the relationship actually works out in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author venusianx13 Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 am i the only one who thinks it might not be about the dog?? maybe 'your' pet was a mistake because it's actually 'his' pet - it's living in his home 24/7 and you're not. he might be feeling a bit of resentment right now too - because he's troubled with this animal and you're not. your instinct to wait was right and you should have .. it's wonderful you saved a life, but lets not hope it's at the expense of your relationship. almost engaged isn't engaged and that prospect is just that .. a prospect - you jumped the gun and he might be upset a bit, with emotional stuff about the dog and you, which would perhaps lead to descreased intimacy No, it was ultimately his decision. He's wanted a dog, but was waiting for the right time. She kind of fell into our laps, and so, we took her. First and foremost, though, it was his decision. He ran it by me, because she is to be partially my responsibility, and I was okay with it. It has proven to be a lot more work than either of us was prepared for. This past weekend, she managed to break her crate and get out. She also tore up one of the floor rugs. We had to get her a KONG crate and some DAP for her anxiety. Next will be some training... He's a very good dog-dad. I've always known he'd make a good dad in general because of how he is with my son. I'm very lucky. This past weekend was better, but not quite back to the norm because I fell ill with a raging ear infection. At any rate, thanks for the input, everyone. I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
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