Should OW/OM tell BS about A? Do you want to know?

[LadyRecovery]

As a BS, should the OM/OW tell you about your WS’s A? This is not about the motivation for telling you. I’d like to hear about this all in one thread to help OM/OW possibly struggling with this question. This is nothing new; I’d just like to hear answers from the BS’s. (IMHO the BS has a right to make informed decisions in life. The BS’s choices should not be taken away.)

 

Assumptions:

1. BS doesn’t know about the A. Therefore, no D-day yet.

2. WS is unlikely to confess.

 

Questions:

1. Should the OM/OW tell you? Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so? What if the A is ongoing?

2. If yes, how should you be told?

3. Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

4. Did the OM/OW tell you? If yes, how and what happened? I’d like to hear real stories.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't care who tells...as long as the BS knows. I am not one who buys into AP motives of being good for them to say anything. I don't care what the reason for telling is...just tell.

[missy268]

She doens't know and i won't tell her

 

She's on facebook, i've been tempted to message her, but i won't gain anything from it, she won't believe me, and its not my place, it's his relationship, he needs to sort it out, not me.

 

 

[LadyRecovery]

I'd really like to hear from the BS's on this or people with experience...

[bentnotbroken]

I'd really like to hear from the BS's on this or people with experience...

 

 

I am a fBS.

[underwater2010]

Assumptions:

1. BS doesn’t know about the A. Therefore, no D-day yet.

 

Most likely true, ecspecially if this is the first affair.

 

2. WS is unlikely to confess.

 

Also very true. Most don't confess but do get caught eventually.

 

Questions:

1. Should the OM/OW tell you?

 

If they are an OM/OW and not a MOW/MOM then yes it should come from them. If they are a MOW/MOM then it should come from the BS.

 

Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so?

 

Sadly the OM/OW chose to insert themselves into a marriage, therefore they should be willing to step up to the plate and confess.

 

What if the A is ongoing?

 

It does not matter if it is ongoing or not. I only wish they would bother to open their mouth prior to the affair and let the BS know what their WS is up to.

 

2. If yes, how should you be told?

 

While face to face is my prefered method, it could lead to violence. Therefore I recommend a phone call or text. Leaving a number to call back is very helpful too.

 

3. Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

 

It should not matter what type of affair. The OM/OW should be willing to be open and honest. Answer any question the BS may have.

 

4. Did the OM/OW tell you?

 

No I found on my own and called her via a cell number she sent emails from. Then contacted her BH.

[Decorative]

I'd really like to hear from the BS's on this or people with experience...

 

As a BS, I would want to know.

 

The OW did not tell me. Her parents did, as soon as they discovered my spouse was married and that OW/FWH were lying to them.

 

I was grateful to know.

[buckeyeblue]

I am a BS whose lyin', cheatin' H did not have the cajones to confess. Yes, I wish the OW would have told me, but she didn't.

[LadyRecovery]

Assumptions:

1. BS doesn’t know about the A. Therefore, no D-day yet.

 

Most likely true, ecspecially if this is the first affair.

 

2. WS is unlikely to confess.

 

Also very true. Most don't confess but do get caught eventually.

 

Questions:

1. Should the OM/OW tell you?

 

If they are an OM/OW and not a MOW/MOM then yes it should come from them. If they are a MOW/MOM then it should come from the BS.

 

Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so?

 

Sadly the OM/OW chose to insert themselves into a marriage, therefore they should be willing to step up to the plate and confess.

 

What if the A is ongoing?

 

It does not matter if it is ongoing or not. I only wish they would bother to open their mouth prior to the affair and let the BS know what their WS is up to.

 

2. If yes, how should you be told?

 

While face to face is my prefered method, it could lead to violence. Therefore I recommend a phone call or text. Leaving a number to call back is very helpful too.

 

3. Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

 

It should not matter what type of affair. The OM/OW should be willing to be open and honest. Answer any question the BS may have.

 

4. Did the OM/OW tell you?

 

No I found on my own and called her via a cell number she sent emails from. Then contacted her BH.

Thank you. This is very helpful and what I was looking for.

[jwi71]

 

1. Should the OM/OW tell you? Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so? What if the A is ongoing?

 

 

 

Its immaterial WHO tells as long as the BS knows.

I'm amazed that the WS is the only allowed to make decisions in the M pertaining to the A - why is the WS entitled to know but the BS is not?

 

2. If yes, how should you be told?

 

With proof.

Most BS will not believe at first and its rare a WS will simply acknowledge an A is occurring or did occur. The WS is likely, in the absence of proof, to deny the A and w/o proof, it becomes the WS' word vs yours.

 

3. Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

 

I would say yes by and large.

 

4. Did the OM/OW tell you? If yes, how and what happened? I’d like to hear real stories.

 

No. I caught my now xWW the first time and the second time someone with knowledge forwarded me proof. I have forever been in debt to that person.

[Decorative]

This thread reinforces to me how grateful I was to know- and that the actions a group of my friends took today to let someone else know was straight on.

 

Knowledge is power over your own life.

[LadyRecovery]

Questions:

1. Should the OM/OW tell you?

 

If they are an OM/OW and not a MOW/MOM then yes it should come from them. If they are a MOW/MOM then it should come from the BS.

 

 

Question: Why the difference if they are a MOW/MOM?

[nofool4u]

As a BS, should the OM/OW tell you about your WS’s A?

 

Absolutely. Thats is in regards to a BS wanting to know exactly what kind of person the are married to.

 

 

This is not about the motivation for telling you. I’d like to hear about this all in one thread to help OM/OW possibly struggling with this question.

 

Well if they are struggling with whether to tell or not, isn't motivation a relevant factor?

 

 

This is nothing new; I’d just like to hear answers from the BS’s. (IMHO the BS has a right to make informed decisions in life. The BS’s choices should not be taken away.)

 

I agree. One wanting to put their head in the sand and ignore what is going on isn't good. It only serves to help hurt them even more down the road.

 

As an x-BS, yes I would have wanted to know and it didn't matter who I heard it from, as long as it was the truth. Preferably wouldn't want to hear it from the OM, but if that was the only way I'd have ever found out, so be it.

 

Questions:

1. Should the OM/OW tell you? Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so? What if the A is ongoing?

 

Tough to answer whether its the OM/OW's place to tell you. It may not be, but if there is no other way to find out, then so be it.

 

 

2. If yes, how should you be told?

 

Face to face

 

3. Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

 

No, betrayal is betrayal to me.

[LadyRecovery]

nofool4u

Well if they are struggling with whether to tell or not, isn't motivation a

relevant factor?

 

You tell me. I've read on LS that some tell to force a D-day, hope for a D, alleviate guilt, etc. As a BS would you care why the OM/OW is telling you? I honestly believe the BS has a right to know and make their own choices.

[nofool4u]

I agree, a BS doesn't care about an OM/OWs motivation to tell, but if the OM/OW are struggling with whether to tell, then motivation is something that will push them to tell if they are on the fence.

[waterwoman]

I really don't know. I had no idea H was in an affair although I knew something was up. If OW had told me I think I would have laughed - it was so unlikely. But yes, I would want to know I just couldn't imagine her telling me. Ideal would gave been h telling me it was all over.

[ow9]

Oh I am so glad someone wanted to talk about this. I entered counseling after my train wreck of an A, and it was suggested to write a letter to the BS. Since writing this letter and going NC, the exMM has never once crossed my mind. The BS crosses my mind daily. No, I don't know if the exMM actually did tell his BS about our A, like he said he did...but boy am I conflicted as to whether or not to send her my letter. I want her to know how truly sorry I am, but don't want to destroy the world she knows, either.

[LadyRecovery]

Oh I am so glad someone wanted to talk about this. I entered counseling after my train wreck of an A, and it was suggested to write a letter to the BS. Since writing this letter and going NC, the exMM has never once crossed my mind. The BS crosses my mind daily. No, I don't know if the exMM actually did tell his BS about our A, like he said he did...but boy am I conflicted as to whether or not to send her my letter. I want her to know how truly sorry I am, but don't want to destroy the world she knows, either.

I put up this thread to gain insights. Currently an OW and trying to gain courage to end it. I believe the BS has a right to know. If I were in her situation, I would certainly want someone to tell me.

[Decorative]

Oh I am so glad someone wanted to talk about this. I entered counseling after my train wreck of an A, and it was suggested to write a letter to the BS. Since writing this letter and going NC, the exMM has never once crossed my mind. The BS crosses my mind daily. No, I don't know if the exMM actually did tell his BS about our A, like he said he did...but boy am I conflicted as to whether or not to send her my letter. I want her to know how truly sorry I am, but don't want to destroy the world she knows, either.

 

I would do it.

 

Her world is destroyed already- she just doesn't know it.

 

Seriously. Kudos to you for considering telling her.

[KathyM]

I've always been an advocate for telling the BS the truth about an affair, regardless of motives or who it comes from. Everyone deserves the truth about their own life, and it's doubtful the WS is going to give it to her. So go ahead and tell her. Very few people would want to be kept in the dark about this, even if it is painful to hear. It's much more painful to be robbed of honesty in one's marriage, and be forced to live with a lie and devote years of your life to someone under false assumptions. You would be freeing her to make choices based on the truth, rather than denying her the truth and allowing her to spend her life in a fake marriage and fake relationship. Most people want to know the truth, regardless of who it comes from. You may think it's the MMs place to tell her, but it's not likely he will, so it would be the decent thing to do to confess the affair to her and apologize for your role in it.

[ComingInHot]

LadyRecovery;

How much Better it would be if the one to tell the BS was the one responsible for their vows together. But then that would mean he is an honest person and ultimately, Affairs are based on lies & dishonesty...

 

My husband NEVER would have told me. Ever. I would have continued to lose myself and he continued on feeling that since he didn't get caught, he wouldn't have to change.

 

The exOW finally saw that his wanting to stay BFF's w/her was a lie and it was one lie to many for her. She let me know via email.

 

Even though she ended up being one of the rare CRAZY OW... I was still thankful for the information.

 

In a perfect world (well he wouldn't have cheated) but I would have appreciated the email then the opportunity to ASK for the proof I needed and to Decide what information I needed/wanted and which details/info was best left unknown.

 

I would have felt more appreciation for her situation and the courage it must have taken for her to share Her responsible part in the A and that she was, at least now, attempting to be honest yet sincere and gentle*

 

 

*sigh*... oh well... But You LadyRecovery could do it better because you are waaaay better than my FWH's exOW!!

[canuckprincess]

I put up this thread to gain insights. Currently an OW and trying to gain courage to end it. I believe the BS has a right to know. If I were in her situation, I would certainly want someone to tell me.

 

I agree the bs has a right to know, my question is why now do you want to tell her? Are you wanting to tell her to hurt him or to hurt her. If you want out then leave but why ruin her life now. Keep in mind she may already know, how long have you been the ow? If your gonna tell please make sure you do it for the right reason, and be prepared to have all the blame put on you. Good luck.

[underwater2010]

Question: Why the difference if they are a MOW/MOM?

It is simply that they are more likely to believe information coming for the other BS than they will the AP. It also puts a buffer between the AP and the AP's BS.

[LadyRecovery]

I agree the bs has a right to know, my question is why now do you want to tell her? Are you wanting to tell her to hurt him or to hurt her. If you want out then leave but why ruin her life now. Keep in mind she may already know, how long have you been the ow? If your gonna tell please make sure you do it for the right reason, and be prepared to have all the blame put on you. Good luck.

 

I have done a lot of soul searching about this. I want to tell her simply because it is the right thing to do and I would want someone to show me the same respect. Not to intentionally hurt anyone although people will be hurt, myself included. No idea what will happen to "us" as a result. A is almost in the 4th month (Although I didn’t know he was M until a month into it, when I found out I didn’t leave (Well, I did twice and allowed him to romance me back). This is my part and responsibility, and I am willing to take the consequences no matter what. He is living away from her for a year due to work so there is almost no sneaking around or having to outwardly lie on a daily basis. We have our life here and things are really good. We spend every moment together that he is not working. I believe she has no way to know and doesn’t know, yet. I love him and believe he loves me. Not the crazy infatuation type, but a gentle love that really seems right – EXCEPT he has been married over 30 years and I cannot ignore that as much as I’d like to. Something new this month is that he isn’t going home for his normal 2 weekends per month to see her. He told me this yesterday. He normally drives home those 2 weekends when he isn’t on call. I’ve posted much of my story in other threads but these are the basics. I am new to LS and gaining much insight. The people here have given me some things to look at and think about. This A is nothing special, only that I’m in it. I honestly don’t WANT out, yet the part of me that wants to do the right thing knows that what I want should give way to what is right. This isn’t just about me, or about “us.”

 

I am trying to make an informed decision on my need/responsibility to tell another woman about her husband who loves another (in a gentle and kind way), regardless of whether I/he ends this A or not. I believe she has a right to know and want the input of others. Also trying to gain the courage to end it even though things are wonderful right now and I don't want it to end. Still hoping people will post more on this thread.

[Spark1111]

I think your motivation is admirable, and doing the right thing is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

 

With that being said, why not impress upon your MM to do the right thing by his spouse and tell her? And Guage his surprise, panic, fear, OR RESOLVE to do so?

 

The only issue with this is that you will never truly know if he told her or not, unless you follow up with your own phone call to ensure she was informed.

 

Iwould not have cared who told me or their motivation for doing so. I just wish anyone who knew or suspected would have had the courage to tell me so I could have made informed choices for me. I could have stopped living their lies.

 

That would have been hugely empowering, as sad as it would have made me.