Should OW/OM tell BS about A? Do you want to know?

[LadyRecovery]

I think your motivation is admirable, and doing the right thing is ALWAYS the right thing to do.

 

With that being said, why not impress upon your MM to do the right thing by his spouse and tell her? And Guage his surprise, panic, fear, OR RESOLVE to do so?

 

The only issue with this is that you will never truly know if he told her or not, unless you follow up with your own phone call to ensure she was informed.

 

Iwould not have cared who told me or their motivation for doing so. I just wish anyone who knew or suspected would have had the courage to tell me so I could have made informed choices for me. I could have stopped living their lies.

 

That would have been hugely empowering, as sad as it would have made me.

Motivation may be admirable, but I'm in an A which is not.

 

Great idea, I was thinking about asking him to tell her. I don't want to threaten, but I really feel that he should know that if he doesn't, I will. Give him the opportunity to do the right thing first. Any suggestions on how to approach this without it seeming like a threat? I can't see any way currently that he wouldn't view it as a threat, although it probably shouldn't really matter. However, he knows enough about me to understand that this isn't something malicious or contrived to force an outcome. It's about his W's right to know that I should be most concerned with (so should he).

 

I am perfectly willing and able to follow up with a phone call. I have their home phone. My motivation is important to me. I needed to make sure this was about doing the right thing, not how any part would benefit/harm me or work to my advantage/disadvantage. My wants need to be out of the equation. This IS about what's right, no matter what.

 

So, first talk needs to be with the MM to give him the opportunity to tell her. I can do this over the weekend. What to say to him?

[bentnotbroken]

I agree the bs has a right to know, my question is why now do you want to tell her? Are you wanting to tell her to hurt him or to hurt her. If you want out then leave but why ruin her life now. Keep in mind she may already know, how long have you been the ow? If your gonna tell please make sure you do it for the right reason, and be prepared to have all the blame put on you. Good luck.

 

 

What would a right reason be?

[LadyRecovery]

LadyRecovery;

How much Better it would be if the one to tell the BS was the one responsible for their vows together. But then that would mean he is an honest person and ultimately, Affairs are based on lies & dishonesty...

 

I would have felt more appreciation for her situation and the courage it must have taken for her to share Her responsible part in the A and that she was, at least now, attempting to be honest yet sincere and gentle*

 

*sigh*... oh well... But You LadyRecovery could do it better because you are waaaay better than my FWH's exOW!!

 

ComingInHot, I would really like to hear your views on my last couple of posts here. Your advice is always welcome and appreciated.

[LadyRecovery]

She was going to but chickened out. Interestingly enough, I received and email from MYLIFE telling me that someone from a nearby town was searching for me...she later told me that she had searched and found my email on my school's alumni page. She had something written out but never sent it.

Do you agree that I should give the MM the chance to tell her first? I haven't brought this up to him yet, but can do it this weekend...

[ComingInHot]

LadyRecovety;

I do believe that living an authentic live means not partaking in any form of deceit that is potentially hurtful & damaging to others. However, we often realize too late that our actions have already put us in a situation that will ultimately hurt others.

When this happens, the only thing to do to regain our integrity is to "come clean" w/those our behaviors have affected.

 

You Will gain something in giving his Wife knowledge of your A w/her husband. Your self respect, your integrity and your life will be given back to you.

 

Most likely you will lose something too. Your MM (possibly) , but you will lose having to carry the burden of being/feeling like the OW.

 

I agree to Tell this MM how you are feeling and what you Know needs to happen for yourself to get back to living an honest and authentic life.

 

Maybe begin the conversation that in order for you to move forward w/him and begin living the life he says he wants to live w/you, that the only way to do so is by letting his W know, so everyone can begin moving forward.

 

Reiterate what you wrote earlier. He Knows you well enough to know that what your saying comes from a place of love for him & yourself as well as concern for his Wife.

 

Two things stand out to me;

- MM SHOULD not have have problem w/this or feel it as a threat...

My concern is that in a lot of A situations, the MM Does know his OW better than the OW knows the MM.

His response may shock & hurt you. But either way will be very telling

 

- Motivation. It really isn't to get some "action" from MM or Wife...

It WILL however have this effect. Are you prepared for any Fall out from a D-day?

 

When you wrote MM's W your letter, you received My response. My response came from a different world. The words you wrote were for You to see what is going on in your mind & heart.

It is HIGHLY unlikely that (even though you are trying to do the right thing & be sincere) she will respond as I did.

Are you ready?

 

And lastly, whatever you do, DO NOT say ANYTHING to this MM w/out One Hundred percent resolve to follow through regardless of his reaction!!!

 

He could pull any number of things out of his pocket from agreement to anger to passive aggressive "I'll do it when the time is Right"... Be resolute in your decision and follow through and give him a time line.

Remember he does know you well and may use what he knows to manipulate you back into silent OW mode.

 

You Are Better Than That. His problem may be that he knows it too*

 

Kindly,

CIH.

[Decorative]

She may also not answer the OP's calls. He wouldn't be the first MM who convinces the wife he has a crazy stalker who won't leave him alone and not to believe anything she says.

 

My spouse almost succeeded in this when the OW's parents contacted me. almost.

 

He had an elaborate story of why they were "lying" to me.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I have never heard of a betrayed spouse who said, AFTER finding out, that they would rather have remained in the dark. Some speculate that IF their spouse had a one-night stand, and nothing else ever again, that they would be happier not knowing about it. But I've never heard of a betrayed spouse who would rather not know.

 

It is like a cancer in the marriage. It hurts to find out, but it is not cruel. If you don't know it's there, you can't do anything about it.

 

Unlike a cancer, which has some genetic or environmental cause, the betrayed spouse is going to look at YOU as the cause, or at least a part of it. Denial is very strong with many betrayed spouses, especially if they want to reconcile. You can expect that they will not see your telling as noble or honorable at all. If you are single, you will be an immoral slvt, if you are married, you will be a lying cheater.

 

Why you are telling will not make much difference. To break up the marriage. Out of guilt because deep down you are a good person. Doing unto others. The betrayed spouse would rather know than not know, no matter the reason.

 

Not all betrayed spouses are created equal, just as not all cheaters and other men/women are created equal. Some betrayed spouses are real jerks, have behaved terribly in their marriages. Some other men/women have been misled. Some are just immoral and selfish. Hopefully good people can agree that cheating and lying are NOT good behaviors in romantic relationships, no matter the situation. If you're not happy and want to divorce, better to proceed with that than to cheat. If you are an other man/other woman, better not to help someone lie and cheat, make them tell the truth to their spouse and then choose you. It's NOT complicated.

[ComingInHot]

I agree that MM spin the OW as crazy stalker chick, BUT I would like to think that most Wives would be at least curious enough to inquire of OW why she is saying what she is to the Wife. That is when a Wife will say her husband is calling the OW informant crzy, stalker lady and ask for solid proof/verification of OW's information therefore leading to either fact or fiction regarding MM's accusations & OW's information...

Woe to the Wife that doesn't follow up on This kind of information...*

[BetrayedH]

OP, if you still feel it relevant, I have been here coming up on two years now. In the entirety of that two years I have only ONCE seen a BS claim that they wished they didn't know about their H's affair. It caught my attention because as much as the idea that a BS doesn't want to know is bandied about on this forum, it was the first (and only) time I actually heard a BS say it.

 

In her particular case, her H had partaken in a very brief affair years prior, had ended it, and eventually confessed out of guilt. She had no idea it had ever occurred and had only experienced a happy marriage until she found out about it. She loved her H, fully believed in his commitment to her since ending the affair, and had no intention of leaving him but was plagued by mind movies. She wished she didn't know.

 

Since that one poster, I have three times openly invited ANY BS to say that they wish they didn't know about the affair and not once has anyone come forward to say as much. So far, your thread has also come up with zero.

 

OM/OW can make the claim that the BS "doesn't want to know" but it just amounts to a very convenient rationalization for not fessing up that doesn't mesh with the facts.

[awkward]

Before discussing this with MM, you may want to inquire about the health of his wife, kids, in-laws, pets, etc. It is during times like this that they become suddenly ill, suicidal, schedule important surgery, etc.

 

I don't see too many OW willing to rock the boat and knock their MM off the fence (during the affair) so kudos to you. I think it is best for all to know where each of you stand in this situation. Currently, the BS is in the dark, without choices.

 

For the record, I would want to know. I would want to be told any way possible. I wouldn't want an OW to show up at my child's birthday party or at the family Christmas dinner, but if the OW was the only with the guts to tell me I would be grateful for the knowledge.

 

Keep in mind, I trust my husband. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. He knows my passwords as I know his. So if he ever became a cheating scumbag he could theoretically delete any email, Facebook message, text message, voice mail, etc. if he knew it was coming. You will need to verify with his wife that he told her by calling his home. Some men will do anything for their wives not to find out, even having someone else pose as their wife.

[Spark1111]

All great advice here!

 

one or two posters here said as soon as they wanted the MM to inform the spouse, some horrible family calamity happened and of course the MM couldn't tell her now.

 

The worst lies I have ever read is claiming the spouse was suicidal or just diagnosed with cancer.

 

I hope those MM are rotting in he'll somewhere.

[awkward]

All great advice here!

 

one or two posters here said as soon as they wanted the MM to inform the spouse, some horrible family calamity happened and of course the MM couldn't tell her now.

 

The worst lies I have ever read is claiming the spouse was suicidal or just diagnosed with cancer.

 

I hope those MM are rotting in he'll somewhere.

 

A friend of mine really had cancer. Which is disgusting, sick. and twisted on a whole other level. Those stolen moments with his MOW, OOW, OOW#2 couldn't possibly have been worth it. My friend and her children didn't deserve any of that pain at the end of her short life.

[Spark1111]

A friend of mine really had cancer. Which is disgusting, sick. and twisted on a whole other level. Those stolen moments with his MOW, OOW, OOW#2 couldn't possibly have been worth it. My friend and her children didn't deserve any of that pain at the end of her short life.

 

well, he deserves a a lower level in hell, just like those men who have an affair when their wife is pregnant with their child!

 

IMHO and ANGRY opinion.

[LadyRecovery]

OP, if you still feel it relevant, I have been here coming up on two years now. In the entirety of that two years I have only ONCE seen a BS claim that they wished they didn't know about their H's affair. It caught my attention because as much as the idea that a BS doesn't want to know is bandied about on this forum, it was the first (and only) time I actually heard a BS say it.

 

Since that one poster, I have three times openly invited ANY BS to say that they wish they didn't know about the affair and not once has anyone come forward to say as much. So far, your thread has also come up with zero.

QUOTE]

 

Thank you for this. Therein lies one reason for this thread. I really needed to know if this BS would want to know as I would if I were in her situation. ANY insight, experience, ideas, or suggestions are greatly appreciated!

[LadyRecovery]

Before discussing this with MM, you may want to inquire about the health of his wife, kids, in-laws, pets, etc. It is during times like this that they become suddenly ill, suicidal, schedule important surgery, etc.

Fortunately, I know his dog is healthy. I'm heavily involved in rescue volunteer work, so we talk about this often. His wife and 30 yr old daughter are as well. I asked a few questions last night after reading your post.

 

I don't see too many OW willing to rock the boat and knock their MM off the fence (during the affair) so kudos to you. I think it is best for all to know where each of you stand in this situation. Currently, the BS is in the dark, without choices.

Thank you for this. I really need the support and am resolved to follow through here.

 

For the record, I would want to know. I would want to be told any way possible. I wouldn't want an OW to show up at my child's birthday party or at the family Christmas dinner, but if the OW was the only with the guts to tell me I would be grateful for the knowledge.

I'm hoping he will tell her, but if not, I will. If I'm the one to do it, I'll certainly need everyone's advice and support here.

 

Also, his wife is active in Alanon and has become strong and very capable of dealing with life...or so he tells me. I hope this is true...

[ComingInHot]

How did it go? Are you alright?

I could guess it didn't come up yet?... **

[LadyRecovery]

LadyRecovety;

I do believe that living an authentic live means not partaking in any form of deceit that is potentially hurtful & damaging to others. However, we often realize too late that our actions have already put us in a situation that will ultimately hurt others.

Isn't this the truth.

 

When this happens, the only thing to do to regain our integrity is to "come clean" w/those our behaviors have affected. I totally agree.

 

You Will gain something in giving his Wife knowledge of your A w/her husband. Your self respect, your integrity and your life will be given back to you. I will, however it is much more important that this lady regain the ability to make choices in her life based on all the information.

 

Most likely you will lose something too. Your MM (possibly) , but you will lose having to carry the burden of being/feeling like the OW. If I lose him, then that's what needs to happen. I need to do what's right without regards to the consequences to myself. If I lose him, then it was going to happen anyway. Better sooner than later.

 

I agree to Tell this MM how you are feeling and what you Know needs to happen for yourself to get back to living an honest and authentic life. I started this last night. Will post more about the conversation at the bottom. Was very interesting.

 

Maybe begin the conversation that in order for you to move forward w/him and begin living the life he says he wants to live w/you, that the only way to do so is by letting his W know, so everyone can begin moving forward.

 

Reiterate what you wrote earlier. He Knows you well enough to know that what your saying comes from a place of love for him & yourself as well as concern for his Wife. This came through during out preliminary chat last night. I wanted to test the waters a bit.

 

Two things stand out to me;

- MM SHOULD not have have problem w/this or feel it as a threat...

My concern is that in a lot of A situations, the MM Does know his OW better than the OW knows the MM.

His response may shock & hurt you. But either way will be very telling

 

 

- Motivation. It really isn't to get some "action" from MM or Wife...

It WILL however have this effect. Are you prepared for any Fall out from a D-day? Yes, whatever happens, happens. She lives in another state, so I doubt there will be any face to face. He's still here for another 6 months, but if this ends badly, I can deal with it. He told me that when she discovered his first affair (back when he was in active addiction and one of dozens of affairs during that time) that it was through some of his emails. He said that she confronted him, not the OW and never spoke to her.

 

When you wrote MM's W your letter, you received My response. My response came from a different world. The words you wrote were for You to see what is going on in your mind & heart.

It is HIGHLY unlikely that (even though you are trying to do the right thing & be sincere) she will respond as I did.

Are you ready? This is true. Yes, I am ready. Glad the wonderful people here on LS will be available to help me whatever the result.

 

And lastly, whatever you do, DO NOT say ANYTHING to this MM w/out One Hundred percent resolve to follow through regardless of his reaction!!! Our short chat last night was just for me to feel him out...when I have "the talk" with him, resolve will be 100% with fallout contingency plan in place. (Working on this)

 

He could pull any number of things out of his pocket from agreement to anger to passive aggressive "I'll do it when the time is Right"... Be resolute in your decision and follow through and give him a time line.

Remember he does know you well and may use what he knows to manipulate you back into silent OW mode. That he does.

 

You Are Better Than That. His problem may be that he knows it too* Thank you

 

Kindly,

CIH.

 

So, here is the quick rundown of last night. During dinner, the topic of his feeling guilty came up again. I told him that we both felt guilty and one of us was going to possibly drink again if the guilt continues. He has said this many times.

 

He could tell something was on my mind and asked me to share. So, I did. I told him that his wanting to wait until after his daughter was married next year for any disclosure was not really valid. She's over 30 and a big girl, and that I couldn't believe it would ruin her wedding if she found out about this A. (I also wanted to see if this was just an excuse to keep me on the hook while he's living here.) He agreed, yet said that he really didn't want to take that chance if he didn't have to. He said he spent so many years not being a father to her while he was drinking, that his living amends to her are so important. He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize her happiness or take that chance unless absolutely necessary.

 

After dinner, while walking to the car, I also said that his W had the right to know. He broke down and got tears in his eyes. He said that he knew that, and this was unfair to his W and me. He also said that if he rocked the boat right now, the fallout at his job would be devastating. This is true. He is changing specialties very late in life and working a schedule designed for twenty somethings. He could not continue at his current pace and handle the fallout from a divorce right now. That was the end of the conversation for now. Wanted to post and get feedback based on the new info. There is a LOT of truth in what he is saying. He does seem to be getting closer to a D-day on his own, but I'm not willing to just wait around and let his W live in the dark. I didn't push the issue past this short conversation.

 

However, he is getting bolder about not caring what other people here think. He drove me to the meeting last night and walked in and sat near me in front of people he works with and mutual friends.

[ComingInHot]

I understand... yet What I hear is he Is agreeing w/you BUT thirty year old daughter/marriage... excuse. Career that is far, far away from Wife... excuse. Addiction recovery... excuse. Emotional breakdown & play on your sympathies... excuse.

 

I know how you can see the validity in his reasons to "wait" yet aren't these reasons what should be expected when one enters an A?

 

I hope your situation is different but... I have read A-lot and well...

 

It's hard as I see him (from your posts) that he Already lives away from his W so how could that really Affect his career? Was he saying he "emotionally "couldn't" handle it? If he knows that, what does a year mean? He's planning on miraculously becoming a strong man able to handle the above reasons even though he will be (& you will be) another year Older?

 

I am NOT trying to come down on you, I promise! I am only wanting you to see as full of a picture as you can. I don't want this MM to manipulate and use you if that is really what he's doing.

 

I can't help feeling that, at this stage of your relationship, that if he meant what he said about being w/you, he WOULD LEAVE. ya know?*?**

[canuckprincess]

So, here is the quick rundown of last night. During dinner, the topic of his feeling guilty came up again. I told him that we both felt guilty and one of us was going to possibly drink again if the guilt continues. He has said this many times.

 

He could tell something was on my mind and asked me to share. So, I did. I told him that his wanting to wait until after his daughter was married next year for any disclosure was not really valid. She's over 30 and a big girl, and that I couldn't believe it would ruin her wedding if she found out about this A. (I also wanted to see if this was just an excuse to keep me on the hook while he's living here.) He agreed, yet said that he really didn't want to take that chance if he didn't have to. He said he spent so many years not being a father to her while he was drinking, that his living amends to her are so important. He doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize her happiness or take that chance unless absolutely necessary.

 

After dinner, while walking to the car, I also said that his W had the right to know. He broke down and got tears in his eyes. He said that he knew that, and this was unfair to his W and me. He also said that if he rocked the boat right now, the fallout at his job would be devastating. This is true. He is changing specialties very late in life and working a schedule designed for twenty somethings. He could not continue at his current pace and handle the fallout from a divorce right now. That was the end of the conversation for now. Wanted to post and get feedback based on the new info. There is a LOT of truth in what he is saying. He does seem to be getting closer to a D-day on his own, but I'm not willing to just wait around and let his W live in the dark. I didn't push the issue past this short conversation.

 

However, he is getting bolder about not caring what other people here think. He drove me to the meeting last night and walked in and sat near me in front of people he works with and mutual friends.

 

 

 

Holy crap, your both recovering alcoholics. You know Dam well he is just trying to have his cake and eat it to. The only way you should be telling her is if your ending the affair. Have you not learned anything at AA???? Don't try to tell me that you want his wife to know because it's the right thing, the right thing is to allow him to tell Or end it. You shouldn't betray him and telling her would be doing that. He'll just deny it and say your some crazy bitch that has a crush on him. She won't believe you, walk away or be happy as the ow.

[canuckprincess]

If you do decide to tell you should make sure you have proof. Videos, pictures, love letters, if she's in denial you'll need to convince her that this really going on. Simply telling her may not work.

[LadyRecovery]

I understand... yet What I hear is he Is agreeing w/you BUT thirty year old daughter/marriage... excuse. Career that is far, far away from Wife... excuse. Addiction recovery... excuse. Emotional breakdown & play on your sympathies... excuse. I totally agree. I wasn't ready to push things last night, just feeling out where he was and what his reasons will be when I put the hammer down.

 

I know how you can see the validity in his reasons to "wait" yet aren't these reasons what should be expected when one enters an A? Yes

 

I hope your situation is different but... I have read A-lot and well... I wish my situation were different, yet I know that it is not.

 

It's hard as I see him (from your posts) that he Already lives away from his W so how could that really Affect his career? Was he saying he "emotionally "couldn't" handle it? If he knows that, what does a year mean? He's planning on miraculously becoming a strong man able to handle the above reasons even though he will be (& you will be) another year Older? He wasn't saying emotionally he couldn't handle it, just that the fallout from dealing with a divorce on top of this crazy schedule and speciality change in his career would be almost impossible. In the past, the year has meant that this fellowship will be over and he will have a new job (doesn't know in what state) and the hours won't be as insane. It also refers to the fact that his current fellowship could suffer serious ramifications if the A is discovered since I was under the care of the team for a while. Worst possible scenario, it could end his lifelong career and cause a huge scandal. However, he did seem not so worried about this last night. I know the people he works with and under for years and doubt this would happen. He hasn't known them that long. I'm not deterred from doing this, just wanted to feel him out and see if there was a willingness for him to tell his wife before I do. Didn't want to force the issue last night when I wasn't prepared for everything. Just a little warmup...

 

I am NOT trying to come down on you, I promise! I am only wanting you to see as full of a picture as you can. I don't want this MM to manipulate and use you if that is really what he's doing. I know and ALWAYS appreciate your insights, please don't stop!

 

I can't help feeling that, at this stage of your relationship, that if he meant what he said about being w/you, he WOULD LEAVE. ya know?*?** Yes

 

So, now that we know the preliminary response, need a solid game plan for putting down the hammer on this upcoming D-day. This is GOING to happen, for his W's sake, one way or another. Fallout for me in inconsequential when it comes to doing the right thing. (Of course the real right thing would be to end this, just not there.)

[LadyRecovery]

If you do decide to tell you should make sure you have proof. Videos, pictures, love letters, if she's in denial you'll need to convince her that this really going on. Simply telling her may not work.

I do have photos of us on New Years Eve all dressed up and even a big kiss. Also learned how to screen shot my text messages. Have a file full of them. No emails, but saved many voice mails. I undeleted some last night so I have them IF necessary. I hope it won't come to this, but if his W wants the information, I have it to provide. Being kind and gentle with her is right, but hard evidence is available if she wants it. He is facebook friends with me, although he doesn't post there. Lots of ways to contact her if necessary. Have home phone to follow up with her if he is brave enough to tell her.

[LadyRecovery]

Holy crap, your both recovering alcoholics. You know Dam well he is just trying to have his cake and eat it to. The only way you should be telling her is if your ending the affair. Have you not learned anything at AA???? Don't try to tell me that you want his wife to know because it's the right thing, the right thing is to allow him to tell Or end it. You shouldn't betray him and telling her would be doing that. He'll just deny it and say your some crazy bitch that has a crush on him. She won't believe you, walk away or be happy as the ow.

 

WHY does it matter if we are both recovering alcoholics? Does that make us less than? If you read my posts in another thread, you will see more information about this. I DO want his wife to know because it is the right thing to do. You are questioning my motivations because we are in recovery? Why does this change your opinion of what is the right thing to do? How is this betraying him? I don't see it that way.

[ComingInHot]

You are a very intelligent, strong woman!

 

As for game plan?... I think maybe start looking at a Time frame for you (not him but you). It doesn't appear that you are up for extending the A to "suite" him and my concern is the possible toll it will take (& already has taken) on you emotional & physical health*

[LadyRecovery]

You are a very intelligent, strong woman!

 

As for game plan?... I think maybe start looking at a Time frame for you (not him but you). It doesn't appear that you are up for extending the A to "suite" him and my concern is the possible toll it will take (& already has taken) on you emotional & physical health*

Fortunately, physically I am great. No toll taken so far. Emotionally strong as well. Although I have struggled with morality issues and steps to take (until getting on LS), this isn't consuming my life. I have a good support system here and many friends. Of course I've only shared this A with a few, but people are there for me no matter what. I've been a big part of this recovery community for over 12 years and people really know me. My being in an A has abosolutely SHOCKED the 3 people who know.

 

I am NOT up for extending this A to suit him. Not the way I am used to living. (I almost wish he was a jerk, things would be a lot easier ) Oh well.

 

What do you think a good time frame looks like? Considering putting it out there next weekend. He's not on call, so no interruptions. Also going on a weekend getaway, so total privacy and few distractions. He's already "warmed up" for this to happen after last night, so does this timing seem appropriate? What kind of time frame should I set for his opportunity to come clean with his W before I step up and do it?