Should OW/OM tell BS about A? Do you want to know?

[Decorative]

Fortunately, physically I am great. No toll taken so far. Emotionally strong as well. Although I have struggled with morality issues and steps to take (until getting on LS), this isn't consuming my life. I have a good support system here and many friends. Of course I've only shared this A with a few, but people are there for me no matter what. I've been a big part of this recovery community for over 12 years and people really know me. My being in an A has abosolutely SHOCKED the 3 people who know.

 

I am NOT up for extending this A to suit him. Not the way I am used to living. (I almost wish he was a jerk, things would be a lot easier ) Oh well.

 

What do you think a good time frame looks like? Considering putting it out there next weekend. He's not on call, so no interruptions. Also going on a weekend getaway, so total privacy and few distractions. He's already "warmed up" for this to happen after last night, so does this timing seem appropriate? What kind of time frame should I set for his opportunity to come clean with his W before I step up and do it?

 

I would not give him a huge amount of time- only because he might "prep" his BW by portraying you as a stalker or a crazy person.

 

You have to do what makes you comfortable- but I would say no more than a week, just because you deserve not to be caught in the middle.

 

The MM and OW that my friends and I just exposed- we have them a week to end it and tell the BW. They did not, so we told the BW.

 

She was very grateful.

[canuckprincess]

WHY does it matter if we are both recovering alcoholics? Does that make us less than? If you read my posts in another thread, you will see more information about this. I DO want his wife to know because it is the right thing to do. You are questioning my motivations because we are in recovery? Why does this change your opinion of what is the right thing to do? How is this betraying him? I don't see it that way.

 

My exhusband is a recovering alcoholic and I know he can be very fragile, I would hate to see the fallout from this ruin either of your sobriety. You just need to be prepared, he will most likely go NC with and focus on saving his marriage. I will bet money on it that she will not kick his ass to the curb. If she put up with his drinking the infidelity is no worse. I've lived it first hand. My marriage survived both but ended when I met mm and threw exhubby out.

Be prepared to lose him for at least a little while.

[LadyRecovery]

I would not give him a huge amount of time- only because he might "prep" his BW by portraying you as a stalker or a crazy person.

 

You have to do what makes you comfortable- but I would say no more than a week, just because you deserve not to be caught in the middle.

 

The MM and OW that my friends and I just exposed- we have them a week to end it and tell the BW. They did not, so we told the BW.

 

She was very grateful.

If having the talk next weekend is appropriate (while we are away from here), he goes home the following weekend for a day. That would give him time alone at home to do the right thing. I could tell him that I'll follow up with a phone call to her and discuss the situation. Any ideas on what to do differently? My concern is that if I lay it out next weekend while we are away, if he goes crazy, I'll be stuck. However, I really doubt this will happen. He's not a volitile person and isn't easily angered. Yet, people act contrary to what we expect when hard life altering situations like this arise.

 

Glad to hear the BW was grateful. Very encouraging and I hope this one reacts the same way if I'm the one to tell her.

[canuckprincess]

I would not give him a huge amount of time- only because he might "prep" his BW by portraying you as a stalker or a crazy person.

 

You have to do what makes you comfortable- but I would say no more than a week, just because you deserve not to be caught in the middle.

 

The MM and OW that my friends and I just exposed- we have them a week to end it and tell the BW. They did not, so we told the BW.

 

She was very grateful.

 

What did the bw do when you exposed the affair?

[BetrayedH]

Since she has had a Dday before, I doubt she will require as much proof as a newbie to the infidelity game might. She knows he's capable. She needs to know he's actually at it again so she can make a choice. You cannot trust him to do this on his own; I think that is all you have gleaned from your conversation last night. There is always another reason not to tell.

 

A phone call will likely suffice. Offer to answer questions honestly so he cannot gaslight her. If she requests proof, provide it. Honestly, there's nothing much left to think about here unless you are considering leaving him altogether. if not, it's best to get it over with as anything short of that is just delay.

[Decorative]

What did the bw do when you exposed the affair?

 

Thanked us. She had no idea.

[canuckprincess]

Thanked us. She had no idea.

 

What happened between WS and bs?

[Decorative]

What happened between WS and bs?

 

Since it happened less than 48 hours ago- I have no way to answer that question.

 

That is their business- to handle it.

 

I know the OW lashed out at one of the people who told. That's all I know. And that's how it should be- their marriage is private, and should involve the two of them making decisions. Our only role was to make sure the BW had the true story, so that she knew as much as the other two points of the triangle.

 

Why do you want to know?

 

I do not see a happy ending for OW and MM, if that is what you want to know. The OW is a serial mistress who has bragged about not believing in monogamy. Her spouse divorced her last year after repeated infidelities.

[LadyRecovery]

Since she has had a Dday before, I doubt she will require as much proof as a newbie to the infidelity game might. She knows he's capable. She needs to know he's actually at it again so she can make a choice. I think the most difficult thing will be that it happened sober this time. His prior A's can be forgiven because he was in active addiction. Sadly, this is not uncommon. Here, he's been sober for years and that's probably what will hurt her the most.

 

You cannot trust him to do this on his own; I think that is all you have gleaned from your conversation last night. There is always another reason not to tell. He will have his one week. I'm going to stay strong and follow if he doesn't tell her. I am far from blameless here, but at least I can show her the consideration and respect she deserves.

 

A phone call will likely suffice. Offer to answer questions honestly so he cannot gaslight her. If she requests proof, provide it. Honestly, there's nothing much left to think about here unless you are considering leaving him altogether. if not, it's best to get it over with as anything short of that is just delay.

 

He said early on that if his W ever found out or asked, he would admit the A to her. That he wouldn't lie - however, this is currently a lie of omission which I consider just as bad. He also said she would divorce him in a second. Have a hard time believing that since their M has lasted over 30 years. Anyway, his reasons for not telling don't really matter. I learned from our chat last night that he does feel bad, and I do believe that somewhere in him he wants to do the right thing. I just don't think he wants to deal with the consequences right now, whatever they may be.

 

My consequences as far as immediate ones won't be as bad. I'm not married and don't have any children. Also don't live where she does. However, the emotional consequences of being involved in an A and really hurting this BS and the WH are something I'm going to have to live with. That will not be easy, and it shouldn't be either. I just need to do what's right and clean up my part as much as possible right now.

[canuckprincess]

If your truly doing it for the right reasons then I wish all the best. It sounds like you are, you should answer her questions if she asked. The bw will want to put all the blame on you and hate you, my mm's wife blames me and wishes I was dead. It's easier to hate a stranger then it is to hate the stranger lying next to you. Sincerely good luck, keep us posted. Are you sending her a letter or telling her over the phone? And did you tell mm that you were gonna tell the bs if he didn't?

[bentnotbroken]

If your truly doing it for the right reasons then I wish all the best. It sounds like you are, you should answer her questions if she asked. The bw will want to put all the blame on you and hate you, my mm's wife blames me and wishes I was dead. It's easier to hate a stranger then it is to hate the stranger lying next to you. Sincerely good luck, keep us posted. Are you sending her a letter or telling her over the phone? And did you tell mm that you were gonna tell the bs if he didn't?

 

 

Genral BS..right??? I did not put all the blame on OW..she was part of the dynamic duo. She did not do anything alone as Mr. Messy was right beside her dragging the crap into everyone's life. I don't wish she was dead either. She has children, a mother, siblings and friends. They would suffer if she were not there. She matters to them. I would also like to address the easier to hate a stranger thing....how does it work if you know the AP? And what is right reason for telling...I think I asked you this before but I am not sure I saw your response. As far the OP...from reading what she wrote, there is no reason to think some she isn't as truthful as all those who post about their experiences.

[canuckprincess]

Genral BS..right??? I did not put all the blame on OW..she was part of the dynamic duo. She did not do anything alone as Mr. Messy was right beside her dragging the crap into everyone's life. I don't wish she was dead either. She has children, a mother, siblings and friends. They would suffer if she were not there. She matters to them. I would also like to address the easier to hate a stranger thing....how does it work if you know the AP? And what is right reason for telling...I think I asked you this before but I am not sure I saw your response. As far the OP...from reading what she wrote, there is no reason to think some she isn't as truthful as all those who post about their experiences.

 

I'm not saying ever bw puts all the blame on the ow. When I was the bs I didn't blame the ow I put it all on my ex husband. I just know the bs in my triangle hates me and has wished me dead. And yes I am the mother of a wonderful little boy. When I post I'm posting from my point of view and past.

 

As far as the right reason to tell that varies. For example if the mm lied to the ow about being married and the ap found out then yes that IMO would be darn good reason to rat him out!

[LadyRecovery]

I'm not saying ever bw puts all the blame on the ow. When I was the bs I didn't blame the ow I put it all on my ex husband. I just know the bs in my triangle hates me and has wished me dead. And yes I am the mother of a wonderful little boy. When I post I'm posting from my point of view and past.

 

As far as the right reason to tell that varies. For example if the mm lied to the ow about being married and the ap found out then yes that IMO would be darn good reason to rat him out!

He lied by omission. I didn't know he was married until a month into the R which was then an A. However, I chose to continue after finding out and feelings were already too deeply involved. Anyway, why is this a "darn good reason to rat him out?"

Edited January 6, 2013 by LadyRecovery
left something out

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not saying ever bw puts all the blame on the ow. When I was the bs I didn't blame the ow I put it all on my ex husband. I just know the bs in my triangle hates me and has wished me dead. And yes I am the mother of a wonderful little boy. When I post I'm posting from my point of view and past.

 

As far as the right reason to tell that varies. For example if the mm lied to the ow about being married and the ap found out then yes that IMO would be darn good reason to rat him out!

 

 

Yes, I know everyone posts from their own situation that is why I asked to if you meant the general BS (i.e. all of us or just the one in your situation). The way it was written it seemed you meant "all" BS. Just needed clarification. And do you believe that if one lies only to the AP (it is okay to lie to the spouse) that is the only reason they should be ratted out? The mere fact that one is married is not a good reason to rat them out?

[watergirl12]

I need more context. Is there a particular reason you brought this up?

[Decorative]

If your truly doing it for the right reasons then I wish all the best. It sounds like you are, you should answer her questions if she asked. The bw will want to put all the blame on you and hate you, my mm's wife blames me and wishes I was dead. It's easier to hate a stranger then it is to hate the stranger lying next to you. Sincerely good luck, keep us posted. Are you sending her a letter or telling her over the phone? And did you tell mm that you were gonna tell the bs if he didn't?

 

This BW, and the vast majority of betrayed wives I know- do not put the majority of blame on the OW. And I know of none that wish for death. Jeesh.

 

Some blame, yes. The majority? No.

 

Don't extend your perception as a general rule. It's only true for you, but does not line up with the vast majority of experience of other people.

[Spark1111]

If your truly doing it for the right reasons then I wish all the best. It sounds like you are, you should answer her questions if she asked. The bw will want to put all the blame on you and hate you, my mm's wife blames me and wishes I was dead. It's easier to hate a stranger then it is to hate the stranger lying next to you. Sincerely good luck, keep us posted. Are you sending her a letter or telling her over the phone? And did you tell mm that you were gonna tell the bs if he didn't?

 

Wow! I didn't hate her at all. I felt she got involved and was victimized by his mid-life crisising BS.

 

I called her months later, three calls, to extend an olive branch as they work for the same company and I, and assumed she, did not want to be blind-sided at a company event.

 

She did not all me back, but called my H at work with some tale of running for political office.

 

Two years later she blatantly broke NC and tried to reignite the affair.

 

The gloves came off and I called her at work,several times, until she stopped dodging me.

 

Then we spoke. She blamed him, me, the world, he lied, BUT still...she wanted him back.

 

NOW I hate her. And she fears me. it's all good.

 

big difference, IMO.

[tami-chan]

Why do you have to GAIN anything from it?

 

Because nobody is truly altruistic.

 

To answer the OP, as an fBS, no, I didn't want to know-probably because I didn't care that much.

Edited January 6, 2013 by tami-chan

[awkward]

Some BSs know and don't seem to care.

 

Since the BS in those situations know AND don't care, MM doesn't need to lie about where he is, who he is with, etc. The relationship can be public. It would be like an open marriage.

[LadyRecovery]

Oh I am so glad someone wanted to talk about this. I entered counseling after my train wreck of an A, and it was suggested to write a letter to the BS. Since writing this letter and going NC, the exMM has never once crossed my mind. The BS crosses my mind daily. No, I don't know if the exMM actually did tell his BS about our A, like he said he did...but boy am I conflicted as to whether or not to send her my letter. I want her to know how truly sorry I am, but don't want to destroy the world she knows, either.

 

Hope you have gained some insight from this thread also. Because of the support and advice of the BS's here, this weekend I'm giving the MM one week to tell his BS about the A. If he doesn't, then I will contact her myself and do the right thing.

 

Why are you sorry when you made no promises to her?

 

Being in an A is hard enough. I feel incredible guilt that the BS does not know in this case. I can't live with the knowledge that she doesn't have all the information and is possibly having decisions about her life made for her by the MM. It's his responsibility initially, but if he doesn't tell her, I will. It's the right thing to do.

 

You don't think you owe it to anyone to be a good nice person and not stab them in the back just because you didn't promise not to?

 

MFH, I totally agree with you. This is the main reason I put up this thread. Needed insight into what was the right thing to do here. The fact that I'm in this A now has compromised my integrity and self-respect enough. At least there is something I can do to show some respect and decency to the BS. (Even if the MM decides not to when I tell him) I think we all as human beings should take responsibility for our mistakes, actions, and decisions. Cleaning up part of the wreckage when others are hurt is the least we can do.

[Snowflower]

Hope you have gained some insight from this thread also. Because of the support and advice of the BS's here, this weekend I'm giving the MM one week to tell his BS about the A. If he doesn't, then I will contact her myself and do the right thing.

 

 

 

Being in an A is hard enough. I feel incredible guilt that the BS does not know in this case. I can't live with the knowledge that she doesn't have all the information and is possibly having decisions about her life made for her by the MM. It's his responsibility initially, but if he doesn't tell her, I will. It's the right thing to do.

 

 

 

MFH, I totally agree with you. This is the main reason I put up this thread. Needed insight into what was the right thing to do here. The fact that I'm in this A now has compromised my integrity and self-respect enough. At least there is something I can do to show some respect and decency to the BS. (Even if the MM decides not to when I tell him) I think we all as human beings should take responsibility for our mistakes, actions, and decisions. Cleaning up part of the wreckage when others are hurt is the least we can do.

 

You are a rare lady! Kudos to you.

 

I do want to reiterate that there is that chance that if you wait too long, he will try to fend you off by telling his wife that you are some type of crazy stalker woman who wouldn't leave him alone! That you tried to have an affair with him but he kept rebuffing you. :rolleyes: It is really crazy, but some MM do this to try to destroy the credibility of the OW when she tries to tell the wife.

[LadyRecovery]

You are a rare lady! Kudos to you.

 

I do want to reiterate that there is that chance that if you wait too long, he will try to fend you off by telling his wife that you are some type of crazy stalker woman who wouldn't leave him alone! That you tried to have an affair with him but he kept rebuffing you. :rolleyes: It is really crazy, but some MM do this to try to destroy the credibility of the OW when she tries to tell the wife.

 

Maybe I should just wait the two weeks until he's about to go home and tell him then? That will give him two days at home to come clean with his wife. There is enough proof although I hope it doesn't come to that. I can call her the next day and confirm that he confessed. Advice?

[jwi71]

Maybe I should just wait the two weeks until he's about to go home and tell him then? That will give him two days at home to come clean with his wife. There is enough proof although I hope it doesn't come to that. I can call her the next day and confirm that he confessed. Advice?

 

I think my Q to you is why give your xMM a warning when this is (supposedly) to benefit his W. Why not simply call her now? From the W's PoV, it's coming out of left field - one day, two days or a month won't lessen her surprise any.

 

I question your motives with this warning.

[LadyRecovery]

I think my Q to you is why give your xMM a warning when this is (supposedly) to benefit his W. Why not simply call her now? From the W's PoV, it's coming out of left field - one day, two days or a month won't lessen her surprise any.

 

I question your motives with this warning.

If you read through the thread, I'm going on the advice of the BS's that posted here. They seemed to agree that it was best coming from the MM if possible to and give him the opportunity to come clean. The backup is that if he doesn't, I will call the BS. Please read through the thread and let me know if my motives are still in question.

[LadyRecovery]

I wish everyone would stop questioning motives because to the majority of BS's, motives DO NOT MATTER.

 

We want the information no matter what the motives are.

Thank you.