Should OW/OM tell BS about A? Do you want to know?

[jwi71]

If you read through the thread, I'm going on the advice of the BS's that posted here. They seemed to agree that it was best coming from the MM if possible to and give him the opportunity to come clean. The backup is that if he doesn't, I will call the BS. Please read through the thread and let me know if my motives are still in question.

 

I have read the thread and your motives are in question.

 

Just so I'm clear...

 

1) your MM has not voluntarily told his W

2) you are going to issue an ultimatum to your MM that he is to tell his W or you will

3) you are forcing d-day because the W deserves to know

 

Why must there be a point two?

The list works just as well without it.

 

While I agree that a BS would like to hear it from the WS, I'm not sure that the circumstances are immaterial. I think the BS would like to hear from the WS when the WS isn't forced into doing so.

 

It's far more powerful to have it done on the WS own volition - and with R in mind- and less so when the OW/OM forces it.

 

To me, this is a contrived reason to punish the MM. And not the telling itself but the feeling of superiority one gains when playing the proverbial ace of spades.

 

You tell her or I will.

 

(for her benefit of course)

 

Again, he needs to hear this why?

[obladi]

Tell her.My gf told xw on me when she was my OW and I shoud of done it but never would so she did. Knowing was better for all3 of us. I should of done it, wish gf would of done it sooner!!! xw porbably wishes she had too!

[LadyRecovery]

I would like to hear from BS’s again or anyone who made a call like this. Let’s assume that I (the OW) am the one to make the phone call to MM’s BS to inform her of the affair. What would that call sound like to you? How do I begin a conversation with a lady to tell her I’m having an affair with her husband? Of course I want to be as kind and gentle as possible given the situation and open to any questions she may have.

[bentnotbroken]

I would like to hear from BS’s again or anyone who made a call like this. Let’s assume that I (the OW) am the one to make the phone call to MM’s BS to inform her of the affair. What would that call sound like to you? How do I begin a conversation with a lady to tell her I’m having an affair with her husband? Of course I want to be as kind and gentle as possible given the situation and open to any questions she may have.

 

 

No phone call.

[jwi71]

I would like to hear from BS’s again or anyone who made a call like this. Let’s assume that I (the OW) am the one to make the phone call to MM’s BS to inform her of the affair. What would that call sound like to you? How do I begin a conversation with a lady to tell her I’m having an affair with her husband? Of course I want to be as kind and gentle as possible given the situation and open to any questions she may have.

 

Do it in person.

Public place - I like to suggest a police station.

Bring your proof.

 

Luckily it likely won't get that far.

 

When you call her and introduce yourself and then tell her you have some horrifying news and you'd like to meet...and meet right away...and she shouldn't talk to he H beforehand...she'll figure it out.

 

Yes, OW have done this before on this board.

 

A better Q you may ask, and ask in infidelity, is if any BS there had contact with the AP and how it went, what helped them and what advice they may have for you.

[LadyRecovery]

No phone call.

 

She lives in another state.

 

Do it in person.

Public place - I like to suggest a police station.

Bring your proof.

 

Luckily it likely won't get that far.

 

When you call her and introduce yourself and then tell her you have some horrifying news and you'd like to meet...and meet right away...and she shouldn't talk to he H beforehand...she'll figure it out.

 

Yes, OW have done this before on this board.

 

A better Q you may ask, and ask in infidelity, is if any BS there had contact with the AP and how it went, what helped them and what advice they may have for you.

I would much prefer to do this in person, but with BS in another state, not possible. Wanted to post this thread in infidelity, just didn't want to intrude on their forum. If that is the right place to ask this, then I'm willing to.

[Decorative]

I would like to hear from BS’s again or anyone who made a call like this. Let’s assume that I (the OW) am the one to make the phone call to MM’s BS to inform her of the affair. What would that call sound like to you? How do I begin a conversation with a lady to tell her I’m having an affair with her husband? Of course I want to be as kind and gentle as possible given the situation and open to any questions she may have.

 

In my opinion- a phone call to break the news has the potential to escalate quickly and veer off track.

 

A registered letter or an email would be the route I would take.

[nofool4u]

I wish everyone would stop questioning motives because to the majority of BS's, motives DO NOT MATTER.

 

We want the information no matter what the motives are.

 

Exactly. I don't care why an OM/OW decides to tell, even though I will find it highly silly that most of them only cared to tell once they were no longer getting what they wanted.

 

I just care whether it happened or not.

[nofool4u]

I would like to hear from BS’s again or anyone who made a call like this. Let’s assume that I (the OW) am the one to make the phone call to MM’s BS to inform her of the affair. What would that call sound like to you?

 

The call would sound like its coming from someone who didn't mind that I was kept in the dark until they no longer were getting any satisfaction out of the affair with my spouse. Maybe that won't be the way you feel, but it most certainly might be the way it sounds to a BS

[jwi71]

She lives in another state.

 

I missed that. Yeah, I'd call then.

 

 

I would much prefer to do this in person, but with BS in another state, not possible. Wanted to post this thread in infidelity, just didn't want to intrude on their forum. If that is the right place to ask this, then I'm willing to.

 

The subforums are really more organizational in nature vs being discriminatory.

Go ahead and post. Uh, but you'll get some angry replies - although it may be good practice to read them.

[ow9]

Lady,

Although I am NC with my exMM, I wanted to talk to his BS (who is also out of state) because I'm disgusted with myself. I feel she deserves an apology from me. I posted in the "infidelity" forum because I wanted to hear from BSs only. Alas, the thread got so heated the moderator blocked it. A letter was suggested...but e-mail if possible.

I have my letter. But am terrified of what's going to happen.

I'd love to hear how this all goes for you. Godspeed darlin'.

[LadyRecovery]

Lady,

Although I am NC with my exMM, I wanted to talk to his BS (who is also out of state) because I'm disgusted with myself. I feel she deserves an apology from me. I posted in the "infidelity" forum because I wanted to hear from BSs only. Alas, the thread got so heated the moderator blocked it. A letter was suggested...but e-mail if possible.

I have my letter. But am terrified of what's going to happen.

I'd love to hear how this all goes for you. Godspeed darlin'.

ow9, I was following your thread and commend you for having the strength to post there. Yes, it certainly was heated. Thank you, I actually talked to the MM last night about telling his wife. Wasn't the most pleasant conversation we've ever had.

[NotDoneYet]

Should the OM/OW tell you?

Absolutely. If I'm married to a piece of **** cheater, I want to know. Even if you don't tell me, I'll sense something's wrong by my wife's behavior. Certainly if the OM breaks up with her she's going to be crazy depressed, and I'll go crazy wondering why.

 

Is it the OM/OW’s place to do so?

 

It's the place of anybody who knows about the affair - you, your friends, your family, the waiter at the restaurant you went to that one time... I don't care who I hear it from, I deserve to know.

 

What if the A is ongoing?

 

Let me know.

 

If yes, how should you be told?

If my wife were telling me definitely in person, but since it's the OM confessing, probably best to do it by email. But I also want evidence, something I can show my wife to prove I know about the affair.

 

 

Would it make a difference in your wanting to know if it was a PA, EA, or full on Love Affair/R?

I want to know the full nature of what's happening. No need for gory details, I don't want to know sex positions etc.

 

 

Did the OM/OW tell you?

No, but i did confront him after I found out. Took the coward 20 minutes to agree to meet me. I spent 40 minutes calmly venting. He said about 3 things the whole time.

[canuckprincess]

Tell her.My gf told xw on me when she was my OW and I shoud of done it but never would so she did. Knowing was better for all3 of us. I should of done it, wish gf would of done it sooner!!! xw porbably wishes she had too![/quote

 

Why did you make your gf do your dirty work for you? How did your poor bs take it coming from your AP? Did your gf tell you she was gonna tell or did she betray you? I would never betray someone I love! Are you and your former ow still together?

[canuckprincess]

As a ow I don't feel it's my place to tell, I didn't make vows to the bs. However, if a bs ever contacted me I would certainly answer any and all questions honestly. I do believe honesty is the best policy but it's not my place to tell someone that the person they love, loves another. But again if I was asked I would answer truthfully, that's how I roll!

[Regular.Joe]

My wife denies cheating even 10 years later even though I caught her with the guy! She denies it because I walked in on them in my home right before they were about to screw. She was naked with a robe on. Had I showed up 10 minutes later, they most likely would have been going at it. Over the years, I have caught her still contacting this douchebag and she continually lies about it. I truly believe she will never confess the whole truth to me. But that doesn't matter because that first night I caught them, I asked him. He said he had been coming over for months.

 

I feel as though had I never walked in on them, our marriage would still be horrid because we got married too young before we realized we weren't compatible. But we had kids before realizing this so that def complicated things. We began to try to make it work for their sake but even with counseling, its just bad.

 

I cheated the first time in 11+ years recently and I would never tell my wife or the OW`s physically abusive husband period. I wouldn't because I'm ready to leave anyway. I've been ready to leave long before the OW and I got involved. If I found out my wife was cheating now, i'd honestly hope for nothing but the best for her. I'd encourage her to try and pursue a relationship with the person if she had feelings for him. This would of course happen while I'm packing my bags and signing the divorce papers.

 

She would not do the same for me though. She'd want to see me as miserable as possible and would try her best to make my life a living hell. I know she'd react this way because she has already. I left a few years ago not because of an affair on my part (because I wasnt cheating), but because our marriage got really sour for a look long time. She did everything in her power to make my life a living hell from false restraining orders to lying in court about how much money I made to try and get higher child support ($567 per week when I only made $700 per week at that time). She kept my kids from me for months with that bogus restraining order.

 

The whole point of the story is, its easy to get up on that high horse in the name of just morality and truth and cast judgment on others but until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, we shouldn't project our own personal morality code onto others. Everyone's situation is unique.

[bentnotbroken]

My wife denies cheating even 10 years later even though I caught her with the guy! She denies it because I walked in on them in my home right before they were about to screw. She was naked with a robe on. Had I showed up 10 minutes later, they most likely would have been going at it. Over the years, I have caught her still contacting this douchebag and she continually lies about it. I truly believe she will never confess the whole truth to me. But that doesn't matter because that first night I caught them, I asked him. He said he had been coming over for months.

 

I feel as though had I never walked in on them, our marriage would still be horrid because we got married too young before we realized we weren't compatible. But we had kids before realizing this so that def complicated things. We began to try to make it work for their sake but even with counseling, its just bad.

 

I cheated the first time in 11+ years recently and I would never tell my wife or the OW`s physically abusive husband period. I wouldn't because I'm ready to leave anyway. I've been ready to leave long before the OW and I got involved. If I found out my wife was cheating now, i'd honestly hope for nothing but the best for her. I'd encourage her to try and pursue a relationship with the person if she had feelings for him. This would of course happen while I'm packing my bags and signing the divorce papers.

 

She would not do the same for me though. She'd want to see me as miserable as possible and would try her best to make my life a living hell. I know she'd react this way because she has already. I left a few years ago not because of an affair on my part (because I wasnt cheating), but because our marriage got really sour for a look long time. She did everything in her power to make my life a living hell from false restraining orders to lying in court about how much money I made to try and get higher child support ($567 per week when I only made $700 per week at that time). She kept my kids from me for months with that bogus restraining order.

 

The whole point of the story is, its easy to get up on that high horse in the name of just morality and truth and cast judgment on others but until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, we shouldn't project our own personal morality code onto others. Everyone's situation is unique.

 

You don't have to have a personal morality code to treat others with respect or dignity. Integrity does not need a high horse...just high standards about what you will and won't do to others....but if justification is more to one's liking...then go for it.

[Regular.Joe]

You don't have to have a personal morality code to treat others with respect or dignity. Integrity does not need a high horse...just high standards about what you will and won't do to others....but if justification is more to one's liking...then go for it.

 

 

While this is true, everything isn't so black and white or simple sometimes. Justification is sometimes parallel to the truth or even necessary sometimes.

[bentnotbroken]

While this is true, everything isn't so black and white or simple sometimes. Justification is sometimes parallel to the truth or even necessary sometimes.

 

 

Yes it is when you choose to live a life that isn't black and white. So we agree. Justification is for those who need it.

[obladi]

Why did you make your gf do your dirty work for you? How did your poor bs take it coming from your AP? Did your gf tell you she was gonna tell or did she betray you? I would never betray someone I love! Are you and your former ow still together?

 

Didn't make her, she just did cause I didn't.XW porbably would of took it same either wy. Gf never told me she just did it, we were all mad for a while but worked out good after all been with gf now couple years

No matter why just tell the wife. especally if you want to end up like me with ap.

[canuckprincess]

Didn't make her, she just did cause I didn't.XW porbably would of took it same either wy. Gf never told me she just did it, we were all mad for a while but worked out good after all been with gf now couple years

No matter why just tell the wife. especally if you want to end up like me with ap.

 

 

I wanted to PM you but I can't seem to, I guess you need to have a certain amount of posts before the private message function works. I wanted to ask you a few questions. Well actually I wanted to ask your gf a few things. Is your gf on this site and if so what is her user name. I wonder what was going through her mind at the time and did she tell you she was gonna do it, maybe you can ask her if you wouldn't mind. I don't want to do it in an open forum cause there may be a bs or two that would be bothered by it. I know I've helped cause enough heartache and would prefer that to stop.

[obladi]

I wanted to PM you but I can't seem to, I guess you need to have a certain amount of posts before the private message function works. I wanted to ask you a few questions. Well actually I wanted to ask your gf a few things. Is your gf on this site and if so what is her user name. I wonder what was going through her mind at the time and did she tell you she was gonna do it, maybe you can ask her if you wouldn't mind. I don't want to do it in an open forum cause there may be a bs or two that would be bothered by it. I know I've helped cause enough heartache and would prefer that to stop.

 

gf not on here. I been reading to read what it was like for her really from other ow. She never said she was gonna send stuff i think she just had enuff being ow and had to see if i lied when i loved her. I didn't here we are, glad she told now.

[LadyRecovery]

One heck of a week! The night after the initial talk with MM about his BS’s right to know, at dinner we were seen together by his boss - the one person who could end his career over this A. We left and he panicked as expected. At the end of the night, he calmed down and accepted that whatever happens will happen. He was not going to lie if asked the truth. The next day nothing happened. MM said his boss obviously knew but chose not to bring it up.

 

A few days later, I brought up his telling his BS again. I also told him that if he didn’t want to, that I could do it. He became angry and said it was not my place to tell her, only his. MM said that if I wanted to tell her that we could just end things now. I said alright, and wished him well – I meant it and want him to be happy. I was leaving and he apologized and the conversation started again about his confusion, blah, blah. This weekend he was supposed to go home and I hoped he would tell his BS then. Death in the family and he flew out of the country for the week. Sigh

 

So, I’m starting to write the letter to send to his BS. My instincts tell me that he will end this A and reconcile from a distance with her. It will hurt, but at least I’ll know and can move on with my life. I can’t imagine someone 15 years older ending a M that’s lasted over 30 years. Then the other side of me chimes in and says how comfortable this is for now and knowing he’s leaving in 6 months gives me a date this will most likely end. (Assuming he’s not offered a position here.) Lots of if’s and speculation. trying to keep it realistic.

 

I asked him not to communicate while he’s out of the country so I can see what NC feels like. Frankly, it really sucks. I didn’t expect that and hoped it would be liberating. I really wish I knew he was M when we met, and then I wouldn’t be going through this. Anyway, I read OW9’s letter and perhaps after I write mine I should post it here for help. My sitch is a little different since the A is ongoing.

[Decorative]

I wish you strength. I know this is painful and hard.

[LadyRecovery]

I wish you strength. I know this is painful and hard.

Thank you. I'm getting out of the house tonight which is usually when I'd be spending time with him. Almost want to go to his apt and snoop to find something, anything, that would make me want to end this. Just not my style.