OnceMoreWithFeeling Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 That's the message he sent. But no, that's not a fact. Intentions can always change, as he's proven very well at least 4 times. I've finally learned how little words can mean in the big picture. So he says he'll send me a copy of the final decree and that can be my facts. Two months ago I would have been dancing with joy. One month ago I would have put up a small wall but eventually welcomed him back. Now, I don't seem to feel anything. I saw him last night, for the first time in almost two months -- I participated in a discussion group with him. He looked tired and older, and his usual dry wit was absent. Has the short time affected him that much? Or is it that I'm seeing him in a new light now? He seemed broken. And all I felt was pity and regret for my role in that. I don't want to be a part of their decision. I don't want him to rely on me being a place for him to land. I don't know if I'll even want to be here for him once it's final. I said as much and he acknowledged that he knows that risk but he's taking it anyway and will show me with actions instead of words...finally. I just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
LostSoulTrain Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Even if that is true the worst thing you can do right now is to get together with him. My AP told me that story quite a few times and changed it the minute she saw she still has me. Let him go through process alone and if its real you will end up together afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Look up the evidence online for your county. Don't see him until its FINAL! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I've read many times about exMM looking older and tired when seeing him after the A ended for a while. My opinion on it is that they used to thrive in the A, felt younger and energized, and all that collapsed and they were left to deal with reality. I looked like someone died for a few weeks after it was over. Do not give him any hint that you'd be there for him if he gets a divorce. I would encourage you to tell him to contact you once the divorce is final and go NC. As long as he knows you'd be there, he'll be able to stay ambivalent and want his M. If he wants a divorce he should get a divorce without your soft landing. You offered that once and how did it work for you? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 OP, if you in fact do not wish to be part of their decision and do not wish for him to rely on you for a place to land, the simplest and most effective way to accomplish that is to eliminate all possible contact means and make like a hole in the water. In your absence and without the ability to contact you, his marriage will proceed its natural course, whether that be ending, continuing through reconciliation or he finding another OW. It will be what it will be, naturally. Personally, I wouldn't even check the veracity of his statement, shared in your title. No need. With NC, those words become irrelevant. If your relationship with him, of which I know nothing, is authentic, it will stand the test of time; time apart. BTDT, learned a whole pack of life lessons. Time for school. Hope you get a 4.0. I ended up in summer school.... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Why do you still have contact with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 No, she should contact the wife - she's been in contact with the wife before and they were even supposed to meet until the OP broke NC texted MM and pissed her off and the wife cancelled the meeting. OP- contact the wife. Get the real deal . . . because you'll NEVER get the true story from him. She doesn't need the real deal. She already knows he stabbed her in the back. Unless he's divorced, nothing makes any difference. I know how I feel now. I don't want to know anything about them, good or bad. Maybe bad on some days lol. The sooner I forget he exists altogether, the better. If she feels that she wants to tell her for her the W's benefit, it's her decision. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Looking it up under public records will tell her who filed. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I don't know if I'll even want to be here for him once it's final. As long as he knows this and isn't divorcing in hopes that you'll be there, be his soft landing spot and run into your arms as soon as the D is final, then he should be okay either way, reguardless if you are in his life afterwards or not. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 I wouldn't believe him. It aint over till its over and even then, it may never be over as some men stay tied to and still sleep w their ex wifes even after a divorce. I would look it up online and I'd also guard my heart and not let him in. He's lied before, he'll lie again and each time you lose a piece of yourself. At some point, its hard to get yourself back. I know, I've been thru it. Reconnected w my xmm numerous times and each time he dismissed me and went back to the wife, I lost more of my dignity. One more time, and I'll be a pathetic, chronic substance abuser, so I'm not letting myself go there w MM ever again, I suggest you do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Tough crowd!! Why not give the guy a chance if he truly is out of the relationship? He probably did it,( or expedited it), because he missed the OW and desperately wants to be there for her. Just a thought. It just seems like some people want the person to SUFFER...I don't know the situation of the poster, but look at it this way. Maybe the poor guy worked his ass off his entire life and lived with a miserable, unappreciative spouse -then as if giving away at least half of what he busted his ass for his entire life wasn't enough of a kick in the nuts!! Just sayin'' TFOY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 Highly unlikely. Click on the OP's user name and you can read her backstory. Their "love story" (beginning, middle and end) is cookie cutter and has been told a million times over. Regardless, if the OP thinks her MM is a catch, she's delusional. Like I stated...I have no idea of the circumstances.. One thing I might add..Maybe the guy looked worn out and tired because he missed the AP terribly and didnt sleep because of it. I am not just taking the antagonists point, but it just seems like everyone just pounces on the MM as if he was some sort of monster. Love can happen in not so ideal conditions, but it doesnt necessarily mean that it isnt "real" TFOY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
secretlady76 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 "If your relationship with him, of which I know nothing, is authentic, it will stand the test of time;" The above statement rings true I feel. Your OM needs to leave the marriage because it is over. Not because of you, not because he needs a back-up plan etc. If the marriage is dead then him and his wife need to let eachother go to persue happiness and fulfillment elsewhere. I'm not suprised he is looking so haggard; it is a very traumatic thing to go through, whether you instigated it or not. Affairs can make you look and feel wonderful. In comparison; the end of a relationship can make you age about 40 years. It's heartbreaking. I know, I'm going through it myself. The only thing I would say about NC is that is does help you move on but it may make you move on so much that by the time he's got divorced then you're so far up the NC path that you no longer care for or about him. But, if that is meant to be then that is meant to be. As far as I see it, if he really loved you and wants to be with you then he will do everything in his power to make it happen. Words are empty - actions are the only things to measure. Link to post Share on other sites
secretlady76 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 (edited) If it's the ACTIONS of THE WIFE that bring the MM to the OP, then there's nothing to measure or authentic about it. The OP is merely the back up plan then. Only way to find out who is the one really taking action and really "making it happen" is to talk to the wife. Ha, I never said the actions were going to be positive. All I said was to guage on 'actions' whether good or bad. Absolutely agree on what you're saying...but will the wife tell the truth?....especially to the AP....all I know is that if I approached my fMM's wife I think she would punch me in the face (or congratulate me for exposing him as the idiot he really is). Edited January 5, 2013 by secretlady76 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 OP I've gotten back into an R with DMM. I didn't know he was leaving and divorcing till it was almost done. If I'd known when it first started I probably would have told him that I don't want contact while it's going on but I do want you to let me know when it's done. At that point decide if you want to start something all new. When I put my story about him being free out here I got some great advice. One of the best pieces was that I shouldn't allow myself to feel any pressure, from him or myself, that we HAD to be together. I didn't fully understand till about the 3rd date. At that point it hit me like a ton of bricks that we'd been through so much and it was almost my duty to make it work. I don't know if that makes sense but I followed the advice and every time I felt like it was going too fast I pulled back. To some degree I'm still doing it. Let him know you're not waiting for him but when he's done let you know and see how you feel. Set your boundaries. Take back your power. This has been as much your R as his from the start but you've let him have it all. Now is the time for you to call the shots for you. If you need any help or want to talk PM me. I'm stumbling around still but I'm doing my best. And about whether his W kicked him to the curb or not. Don't ask her yet. She may well not tell the truth about it and even if she did would you believe her? Check court documents or ask him to see the papers he filed. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts