carhill Posted January 4, 2013 Share Posted January 4, 2013 You do have complete control over how you apply 'panties in car' to all the machinations in your mind. It's not inevitable. Each thought process is an active choice. The pretzel you twist is completely you. The guy and his mom probably had an odd laugh about the whole thing, at his expense. Good on him for owning a 25+ year old car. My kinda guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Since he assumed they were mine, it's clear they belonged to a woman close to me in age and size. Just a small point... Many guys don't pay attention to size. And size and style don't necessarily indicate age--esp in panties! It would be funny if the are his mom's.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 If he cheated he probably would have just gotten rid of the underwear instead of asking you. Chances are it is probably from before you guys met. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Regardless of the emotional sting or setback I don't think it was ever really on the table that you wouldn't go and see him, even if you felt it in that moment. I think the proper way to handle this is by asking him If not you then who's panties were they? and why was he so confident that they were yours when they clearly were not? Women all too often don't ask questions like that in crucial moments like this...these are all tests and speed bumps, to see how well you communicate and resolve things in a relationship, they aren't merely things to avoid talking about or asking because you're too scared to cause any waves...relationships are about waves, but sailing through them anyway, the more you do that the more accomplished your relationship will be on the communication front, the more you avoid the less close you feel to your partner...and then people wonder why they feel this separation and insecurity with their partner and have trust issues. Just clear this up...find out how he reacts and what he says....does he over explain himself and try to get out of it? or does he admit to it being someone else panties in the past and now he's moved on? Don't go into details that you don't want to know...but always ask questions to clear things up, and help yourself come at peace over things...because If you don't ask, that is a cheaters dream...the less they have to talk or explain, and the more vague and elusive they can be...and in all honestly, women make it all too honestly as a whole for men to get away with this...partly because they don't want to know the truth...yet. At any rate this doesn't sound like a move that he would make had he been cheating...unless he's pretty dumb and made a retarded move without thinking much into it, he likely sincerely just thought they were yours, especially by going with the brand...so In my opinion if you talk about this, I think this can be resolved...from this evidence, I don't feel it's enough to justify that he's cheating, that's not the vibe I'm getting so far...it might make you wonder how many times and with how many women he's got freaky with in the old bucket..but that was probably before you...how long, who knows! My only curiosity is if there is an ex or someone from the past that may be local to him that he may be seeing on the side. After you talk to him about this and you want to post again I can probably tell you if he's lying. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 1. Your bf is stupid. A guy should know what his girlfriends undies look like. Ive never in my life mistaken some chicks undies for a different chicks. (esp not a gf). 2. His behavior seems fishy to me tbh. Why in the world would he say something so dumb to you and make you all insecure about it? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Aren't you impressed another woman left a pair of panties in his car before you were together? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CptObvious Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 your boyfriend isn't very bright, is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheZebra Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Men don't over-analyze everything like women do. He found the panties, thought of you, decided to ask if they were yours. He didn't consider the possibility of what you would think, or how it would look, or anything. Hell, I STILL don't know the brand of underwear my ex wore and I saw him wearing them for more than 4 years. I think you're being a little paranoid right now, TBH. A man who is cheating is on guard and at least tries to think of everything to not give up the farce. He would never risk asking you about underwear. If he was cheating, that underwear would be gone. Either you're paranoid, or you're looking for little things to nitpick about because of some bigger reason (fear of commitment, stability, etc). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 He probably wants to get a rise from you...See if you get mad or jealous! You should just laugh it off and joke with him about it! Link to post Share on other sites
ooglesnboogles Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 What if they belonged to someone one of his friends or someone else brought along? Not exactly the most probable, but possible. I knew a dude in college who was doing a load of laundry in the dorms. He dumped his basket out on the communal table to fold his clothes (I wouldn't, but it's college, I guess he didn't care) and there was a skimpy little thong in there. Had he had a girlfriend who happened to be there, she may have freaked out on him. But they were just there from the load before, at least, that's the story he gave (no reason for disbelief). So maybe one of his friends was a dick and got lucky in his car without telling him. I dearly do hope they're not his mothers.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I still think he is trying to put distance or doubt into Tigress's mind. I'd proceed w caution and protect my heart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Oh, Tigress. It would be excessively dumb for him to mention the panties to you if he had been cheating on you while you were together. Given that you don't seem to go for excessively dumb men, I'm sure it was a mistake. Quite a tactless and bone-headed mistake, but a mistake nevertheless. Laugh it off and go, and don't attribute anything more to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Oh, Tigress. It would be excessively dumb for him to mention the panties to you if he had been cheating on you while you were together. True, but IMO it was excessively dumb for him to mention them at all! I mean, throw them away, dude! Or stash them - if TA needed her missing panties back after leaving them in his car, she'd ask herself! Laugh it off and go, and don't attribute anything more to it. That's what I think too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I asked him again and he said he thinks they're from an ex with whom a lot of laundry was transported. He said he first assumed they were mine because the last time I had gone to see him, which was early last month, I had left a pair of stockings in his room that I was sure I had packed with everything else. I hadn't even realized I left them there (even though I remember having looked for them a couple days after I returned home) until he told me he found them. I guess he didn't think it was far-fetched to assume something else of mine had been left. He still has them, though. I said, "Well, they're not mine, and you already have a workable theory as to whose they are. It's not like you're going to return them. Why not just throw them away?" He made some comment about how he would still have them because they'd be in his trash can. I was like "WTF" in my head and I said that comment wasn't even necessary as he knew what I meant...then it just dropped off. I don't even know what else to say about it now. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Why in the world would he not have gotten rid of them by now unless there's someone who would miss them? Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Your story is a howler! To be honest, catastrophizing in your mind doesn't help. Funniest is that he still had possession of said panties upon your arrival. What a guy. Rubbish can or public rubbish was an easy solution. I say it's nothing involving a current woman but a guy this unaware socially-uh that's your call. It's been an impressive laugher 'tho not at your expense. I fully appreciate your frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I would dump him just for being dumber than a box of rocks. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 This is weird. Why didn't he just throw them away in the first place? Whoever left it here isn't exactly going to miss them...... Confusing..... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 I'm just going to tell him to throw them the f*ck out. If he gets defensive in the slightest, dump. This is so ridiculous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBigQuestion Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Not making light of your emotions on the matter, tigress, but this whole situation is very Seinfeld-esque. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 He still has them, though. I said, "Well, they're not mine, and you already have a workable theory as to whose they are. It's not like you're going to return them. Why not just throw them away?" He made some comment about how he would still have them because they'd be in his trash can. I was like "WTF" in my head and I said that comment wasn't even necessary as he knew what I meant...then it just dropped off. I don't even know what else to say about it now. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Why in the world would he not have gotten rid of them by now unless there's someone who would miss them? Sounds like he was trying to be funny. Or trying to pick a fight. Does he pick fights? As for who would miss them: him. God, how I would LOVE for this to end with him finding out they are his mom's! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I asked him again and he said he thinks they're from an ex with whom a lot of laundry was transported. He said he first assumed they were mine because the last time I had gone to see him, which was early last month, I had left a pair of stockings in his room that I was sure I had packed with everything else. I hadn't even realized I left them there (even though I remember having looked for them a couple days after I returned home) until he told me he found them. I guess he didn't think it was far-fetched to assume something else of mine had been left. He still has them, though. I said, "Well, they're not mine, and you already have a workable theory as to whose they are. It's not like you're going to return them. Why not just throw them away?" He made some comment about how he would still have them because they'd be in his trash can. I was like "WTF" in my head and I said that comment wasn't even necessary as he knew what I meant...then it just dropped off. I don't even know what else to say about it now. I'm starting to feel like he's hiding something. Why in the world would he not have gotten rid of them by now unless there's someone who would miss them? "they'd be in his trash can" That is one of those comments that are so dumb and ignorant that you can't even fathom the reasoning in the moment. It'll still be in the trash can genius? ok how about the dumpster? in fact here's some gasoline, burn them right now. That's the stupidest reason you couldn't throw away a pair of underwear that I've heard so far, and something I would expect a young guy to say when he wants to keep them in his stash or return them to their owner. This is showing a level of incompetence this guy has, I mean I know guys can say some really dumb things in the moment but how in the world would a grown man think a reason like that would fly...and honestly, I don't think he expected it to...it's one of those moments where you say something stupid but are really meaning "It doesn't matter what you think...this is what I'm doing, I'm keeping them for X excuse, deal with it" or if he's really that naive "why should I get rid of them? what's the problem? derrr" I don't even really see the point of arguing with him, all you're going to do is butt heads with him and force him to get rid of them when you could just watch and see what he does next, what does he plan on doing with said underwear, framing them? does he have a special shoe box? will he ebay or send them back to their owner?..ask him. It's like a crime bust, if you do it too early you might catch the seller but if you wait a little longer you might catch the dealer or get a bigger picture to what he's doing and how he thinks, because once a guy knows he's under the radar he's going to change his behavior and demeanor to screen your heightened awareness. But who knows, maybe you'll find a bra next week with this guy and he'll say it was for a work project. You'd be a fool to let this slide by letting it go (not that I believe you are), because until you resolve it and find out how this guy is and how he thinks, and what he may be up to with other women...they could basically be from anybody and at anytime. And if they didn't have a mcdonalds french fry going through the chocolate stain in the back, with a crumbled up paper and dust poofs around the rim, then maybe they haven't been there so long after all? or does he clean his car often? and if he did he would have noticed these right? surely before taking you for a ride in his batmobile? When was the last time was he with his ex? and how did her underwear make it into the car? laundry day? It's a pretty big fail, with his reaction and response that hardly puts this thing to rest. IMO he's being vague and you're simply doing the reasoning and explaining for the guy which is not the way to go, make him explain, you need him to talk to him more and fish for more information while he's not really on defensive mode. Once you attack and make a big deal out of this, he may shut down and shut you out so keep your emotions low and reactions and let him dig himself into a hole...if he does that though then I'd say this guy is hiding something for certain but I know women in general want to know what's going on in detail before they make a move away from this guy...if they have the ability to anyway. So you either play detective (to find out the truth), call him out on it (to make him communicate and resolve this which first attempt has failed) and hit it hard till you get him to spill the beans (I'm gonna guess you can outsmart him) or just simply walk away from a guy (because it is reasonable to expect more out of your relationship and won't settle for BS) who could be doing who knows what. It's a LDR after all. And those panties nor his explanation pack a lot of punch in terms of trust, if not make him look extremely suspicious or dumb, both not very promising. Those worse thing you can do IMO is settle for some ridiculously vague explanation either conjured up by yourself or him and just simply ride it off, because you want to give him a chance. If you can't communicate and talk about this honestly then this could be one of many issues unresolved, and before you know it your entire relationship is always on ice and uncertain. So if this guy is a cheater, this is a huge moment for you...you have justifiable cause to be suspicion, it's the search warrant you need to investigate where otherwise it would just be accusatory...so you have a right to pry now and ask questions, and a reason to be put off and alarmed and he can't contest and will not if he's being honest...if he's honest this will all be quite simple to resolve and you can chalk it up to a insanely stupid thing that he just did. This is weird. Why didn't he just throw them away in the first place? Whoever left it here isn't exactly going to miss them...... Confusing..... He had options, one being the right one for a relationship...which he did not choose. He's not saying a whole lot, and he's not acting very remorseful or apologetic for a pretty major fail, this should be embarrassing, disappointing for him and something that he should be more concerned about...wouldn't you want to make sure you don't lose someone you see great potential in for something so stupid and was before her? So is he just dumb or feeling the heat because he made a bad move but wants to play it cool, and for what reason? ...so huge flag. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Did he go to a charity car wash and someone used them as a rag? Perhaps he is feeling neglected by you and wants to make you jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Ok I'm sorry but you sound super paranoid. I mean ok why not just come out and ask if he is giving up the D to someone else? That is what you want to know right? If you want to not be with him anymore than dump him but to keep going back and forth about is he cheating? or all these crazy ideas that you are thinking is not worth it. To be honest he sounds dumb as **** lol but it was kind of cute and honest that he asked you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 He doesn't sound smart at all :/ But I wouldn't worry about cheating etc. I think you are making too much of this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RachR Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 We alternate. Maybe I'm just paranoid because I've been gaslighted up the wahoo before... I understand. And I have an ex that I wouldn't put it past him to ask such a question like that just to instill jealously and insecurity in whoever he was dating. Anyway, I think it's VERY unlikely those are from after you met. Just a bonehead move on his part to ask you / not clean his car more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts