boyfriends ex is very cold to me..

[maylis]

ok so here goes..

 

my boyfriend was with his ex for 9 years and he broke up with her 3 years ago. unfortunately they have all the same friends. today is our 8 month anniversary (if we are even together, I have no idea right now). in the beginning i was making an effort to try to be her friend, i would try talk to her, i added her on facebook, added her fanpage. she would be very cold, and would look very uninterested and never smiled when talking to me and would just talk about things that made her sound cool, she couldn't just be real with me. at parties she spends more time trying to talk to my boyfriend than her own. she started covering her hand over her mouth when talking to my boyfriend so i couldnt hear what was being said and from that point i said f*ck this, i am no longer making the effort. so i have been trying to deal with it, i have to see her like 2-3 times a month. but that and along with all their facebook contact it was getting to be too much for me. not to mention he's said her names a few times in his sleep now..so 2 weeks ago i talked with my boyfriend and told him im not comfortable with him talking to her because she is so cold to me, i dont understand when i made such an effort with her. he agreed her behavior was weird and said he would stop the contact.

 

so it was fine until we were at a party 5 days ago and she shows up. shortly after she said hello to everyone (she skipped me when it came to saying hi to me and went to the other side of the room and then said hi to me last) she and my boyfriend went to go smoke in the other room and were alone. i got really frustrated and upset and i told him he needs to understand that it humiliates me that he continues to talk to her when he knows how frigid she is with me and that she makes me uncomfortable. its like he is saying to me and her and everyone else that he accepts her behavior. so he said ok he'd stop. but it didnt and she would continue going to talk to him and i kept getting mad. so we argued, he left and then i left.

 

he texted me two days ago to say he still isnt ready to talk to me and thats the last news i have.

 

also some of our friends have told me she is never going to be nice to me.

Edited January 4, 2013 by maylis

[Clockwork]

There are three people at fault here and the order goes:

 

Your boyfriend

You

the ex

 

I'll tell you why. First mistake, your boyfriend hasn't dropped contact with her. Unless they have children together there is no reason he should still be in contact with her 3 years after they seperated and after 8 months with you. Secondly, they have a ton of history together for 9 years and it is impossible to remain "friends" after this since too much happened. Lastly, your boyfriend has an "ex" for a reason. I never contact mine and don't even have them on facebook for the simple reason that it complicates your future.

 

Your boyfriend is at fault the most here. In a breakup you lose friends and that is just the way it is. As much as people hate to admit it you have to choose in a breakup if you are friends with both. You can't act like things are the same after a couple breaks up because it isn't. You just simply choose the side of the couple you have the most allegiance to and cut your losses. The days of hanging out altogether should be over. Your boyfriend should have accepted this a long time ago. But he didn't. You are at fault for letting this go on as long as it has. If the guy wanted a true commitment from you the last thing in the world he'd want would be a manipulative ex putting a wall up and you are seeing this clear as day. She is at fault, but she can only do what you and your boyfriend allow her to do. You've got the evidence right in front of your eyes. No way in hell should you have to put up with seeing his ex 2-3 times a month.

[maylis]

There are three people at fault here and the order goes:

 

Your boyfriend

You

the ex

 

I'll tell you why. First mistake, your boyfriend hasn't dropped contact with her. Unless they have children together there is no reason he should still be in contact with her 3 years after they seperated and after 8 months with you. Secondly, they have a ton of history together for 9 years and it is impossible to remain "friends" after this since too much happened. Lastly, your boyfriend has an "ex" for a reason. I never contact mine and don't even have them on facebook for the simple reason that it complicates your future.

 

Your boyfriend is at fault the most here. In a breakup you lose friends and that is just the way it is. As much as people hate to admit it you have to choose in a breakup if you are friends with both. You can't act like things are the same after a couple breaks up because it isn't. You just simply choose the side of the couple you have the most allegiance to and cut your losses. The days of hanging out altogether should be over. Your boyfriend should have accepted this a long time ago. But he didn't. You are at fault for letting this go on as long as it has. If the guy wanted a true commitment from you the last thing in the world he'd want would be a manipulative ex putting a wall up and you are seeing this clear as day. She is at fault, but she can only do what you and your boyfriend allow her to do. You've got the evidence right in front of your eyes. No way in hell should you have to put up with seeing his ex 2-3 times a month.

 

Unfortunately she is best friends with his sisters. So they expect him to be at their parties etc and his ex is always invited. his ex used to live with one of his bandmates who is dating his sister...its just a f*cking nightmare for me. i cant get away from her.

[darkmoon]

from the exes pov, she has caused you to row, maybe not on purpose, but i do not know how wily she is, i would stop getting mad, both cuz it makes him mad back at you and might feed the ex's bravura

 

don't get mad, get even, hook up with other man/men since he's so glued to the ex, in scenarios where i'd start feeling down, it's one thing to be nice to an ex momentarily, but more than this is bad

 

i'd want a man to take me more seriously than this, maybe he and the ex split because he's a comittment phobe (6 years and no ring?) as is peeking out of your situation just a bit atmo, to me at any rate

Edited January 5, 2013 by darkmoon

[Clockwork]

Unfortunately she is best friends with his sisters. So they expect him to be at their parties etc and his ex is always invited. his ex used to live with one of his bandmates who is dating his sister...its just a f*cking nightmare for me. i cant get away from her.

 

I don't know his family situation, but you would think his sisters would embrace you now that you can very well be their sister in law. And like I said, he has to make some choices. You can't have your cake and eat it too when you get a new girlfriend. You can't have one foot in the past and one in the present. It is one thing to bump into your ex at a grocery store or a bar and be civil with them and even have a conversation. It is another thing to intentionally be at the same place all the time as she is. This doesn't just sound like a one-time wedding invitation where they have a mutual friend.

 

And furthermore, it should be as awkward as heck for him to be in the same room as his ex with his girlfriend. Nothing good can come out of that, as you can see. His friends and family should also have a little more respect for him and his choices. They dated 9 years and it didn't work out. Get over it. Move on. Have some decency and don't demand your friend comes out to a place you know that his ex is going to be. And he should have made a statement by now when he is out with you about where he stands. It could be something small like standing by your side with

non verbal support.

[maylis]

I don't know his family situation, but you would think his sisters would embrace you now that you can very well be their sister in law. And like I said, he has to make some choices. You can't have your cake and eat it too when you get a new girlfriend. You can't have one foot in the past and one in the present. It is one thing to bump into your ex at a grocery store or a bar and be civil with them and even have a conversation. It is another thing to intentionally be at the same place all the time as she is. This doesn't just sound like a one-time wedding invitation where they have a mutual friend.

 

And furthermore, it should be as awkward as heck for him to be in the same room as his ex with his girlfriend. Nothing good can come out of that, as you can see. His friends and family should also have a little more respect for him and his choices. They dated 9 years and it didn't work out. Get over it. Move on. Have some decency and don't demand your friend comes out to a place you know that his ex is going to be. And he should have made a statement by now when he is out with you about where he stands. It could be something small like standing by your side with

non verbal support.

 

 

After all this one of his friends offered to invite us places when she isn't there. i didnt even ask, he said if he knew before he would have done the same thing, but i was trying to deal with it alone and then with just my boyfriend and i. my boyfriend is the one who said he won't ask people to not invite her places cos it isn't fair to her, yet it is fair to me to deal with her bullsh*t..sigh.

[NoMagicBullet]

After all this one of his friends offered to invite us places when she isn't there. i didnt even ask, he said if he knew before he would have done the same thing, but i was trying to deal with it alone and then with just my boyfriend and i. my boyfriend is the one who said he won't ask people to not invite her places cos it isn't fair to her, yet it is fair to me to deal with her bullsh*t..sigh.

 

He clearly considers the feelings of his ex more of a priority than yours. He's also demonstrated that he's going to do what he wants to do. Saying he will stop but he keeps doing the same thing anyway: passive aggressive. Expect more of that in the future.

 

How this should have worked is that your bf and his family should have cut ties with the ex when they broke up (assuming there are no kids involved). At the very least, the family should have kept her on the periphery and never been inviting both of them to parties and such. I agree with Clockwork -- your bf really should have cut contact and stepped up a long time ago in telling other people it was either him or her, long before you came into the picture. But that never happened. Looks like it never will.

 

Bottom line is that in the last 8 months, both he and his family have decided to hang onto the ex and that she takes priority over you and your feelings. You've done what you could, but your only choice now is to continue playing second fiddle to her or walk.