The "love" word - all sorts....

[Rachel]

My partner has never told me he loves me apart from once when corresponding by email and chat. He said it and hadn't even met me.

 

Recently I have told him of my friend who is divorcing and various reasons why but I also added her words "I've never been loved". I am quite chatty and will tell my husband all sorts including what is happening with other people.

 

He doesn't have any other people apart from family miles away and he really is reclusive.

 

He spends half his life on the computer. Watching TV or work of another nature.

 

Ive noticed he can only stand so much time with me and has to get up and do other things. Time varies but often just 15 mins to half an hour.

 

I'm on a tangent here I know.

 

Anyway a few days ago he baked a pie and on the top he had made out of pastry

 

*his name ****

 

then the love symbol (heart) *****

 

then my name.

 

Eg. Joe loves Janet with a heart instead of the word love.

 

I have read its good to know and try to fulfil a partner's needs (to an extent of course).

 

I asked him once if he knew mine and he said he did not.

 

I've told him I needed little gestures like flowers on occasion and JUST NOW (starting 4 weeks ago) he bought them for me&

 

previously he thought flowers were unnecessary/ridiculous/romantic stuff or similar words and NEVER bought them for me, even after my hints of bringing flowers to him.

 

Last week he was going to the shops and asked if I wanted/needed anything& I said "flowers would be nice".

 

He bought them but they looked very cheap and weed -- like & they were $1.50.

 

Why did he do this?

 

I have said that a woman (me) needs to be told she is loved on occasion.

 

He never addressed the 'love' issue until the pie episode 2 weeks ago.

 

I feel like I am raving --

 

The question is how can you tell if someone truly loves you? I am veryvery few relationships and he is my first serious one.

 

Please give me some advice as I am losing interest in him and something has to happen.

 

Also he previously and many times -- play or do something with my "ring" finger (all sorts of ways)

 

This has not happened for months -- 8 to be exact. What does this mean? I haven't ever received a ring. Is he playing games and leading me up the garden path.

 

Oh it is late and my grammar gets worse when I am tired. I will stop here.

 

Responses will be much appreciated.

 

Rachel

[Tony T]

You can NEVER, EVER know if someone truly loves you. There is no blood test, brain scan or lie detector that would be reliable.

 

You must depend on assessing the persons words, actions, and the totality of their loving behavior towards you. You can only know your feelings. There are a lot of people who verbalize with I Love You's who really don't and many others who never verbalize I Love You's who love the other person deeply.

 

There are many with only a very limited capacity for either feeling or showing love. However, I would always evaluate a situation on just how loved I feel. If your husband is has nobody to fall back on besides you, is reclusive, spends half his time on the computer, spends the rest watching TV and can only handle a few minutes with you here and there, you are in trouble. Now, he very well may love you to death but he isn't showing that or verbalizing that. His behavior would not indicate a great amount of love. He probably still loves you but is preoccupied, bored, suffers ADHD, is stressed out, or is just taking you for granted. There is just no way I can tell from here.

 

Unless you can pull this out somehow, you are in for a very lonely life.

 

Sorry I can't help you here. But I will say that I love you very much because you make excellent, easy to read posts that are great on my eyes!!!

[sparkle]

Wow! He baked! A pie! He made a heart on it!!

 

He put your name!

 

Wow!

 

I know my day just started (its only 9am) but that's

 

the sweeeeetest thing I've heard all day

 

[Deejette]

It sounds like he is showing you he loves you in his own way. Maybe he doesn't want to go along with the conventions of flowers and love notes. That is the way a woman wants to be loved, but it is not necessarily the way a man loves.

 

Sometimes women make the mistake of wanting to be loved the way they show love. The guy doesn't think that way and the woman then wonders if she is really loved.

 

Wow! He baked! A pie! He made a heart on it!! He put your name! Wow! I know my day just started (its only 9am) but that's the sweeeeetest thing I've heard all day

 

[Rachel]

Ha Tony - thank you for the nice comment about my posts. I find your posts interesting and always read them. You do an awful lot though - maybe you need to be a therapist (if you arent already).

 

He has been in my "bad books" for days now and I wonder if I may have made it sound worse than it actually is. I may have projected my own issues about the computer - because I also spend a lot of time here.

 

But the reclusiveness and no friends still applies.

 

His actions are good, kind and (I suppose - *grits teeth*) loving. He is very very affectionate, and more so when I am too. He says he has problems expressing things - being open - I am the opposite. This could be a male thing.

 

He truly is a man of few words but many men (+women) are as well............. YES!! There are people who express I love you's insincerely. We did discuss this after perusing my new stack of relationship books (I had a relationship book buying frenzy phase.

 

It is said that actions speak louder than words. But Tony - he has got better over time. The main thing is that I think he is lying about not going to porn sites as he said he did on rare occasions. I peeked into his computer and found a phase of daily visits.

 

Some weeks later I mentioned the same subject again and he denied looking at porn - he intellectualises and has selective memory loss with some things. He replied - it depends what the definition of porn is --etc, written in a previous post.

 

I decided to check his computer again all the data was not to be found. I checked again and he appears to be constantly deleting the temp internet files - he did not before. This made me more suspicious.

 

I know I should not have looked. But I did not believe him.

 

Now I do not know what to believe - we are not exactly on good terms at the moment yet he still is going ahead with the house purchase together and asked for documents today. He is financing 70 - 80% of the house and related stuff.

 

Oh I am in such a dither. Sometimes I dislike him and other times I love and like him. I wish I could mind read.

 

Enough whining for today I think. I have not check my grammar or spelling - here it goes....

 

Whooooooooooooooooooooosh... Too late nowwwwww.

 

R

 

You can NEVER, EVER know if someone truly loves you. There is no blood test, brain scan or lie detector that would be reliable. You must depend on assessing the persons words, actions, and the totality of their loving behavior towards you. You can only know your feelings. There are a lot of people who verbalize with I Love You's who really don't and many others who never verbalize I Love You's who love the other person deeply. There are many with only a very limited capacity for either feeling or showing love. However, I would always evaluate a situation on just how loved I feel. If your husband is has nobody to fall back on besides you, is reclusive, spends half his time on the computer, spends the rest watching TV and can only handle a few minutes with you here and there, you are in trouble. Now, he very well may love you to death but he isn't showing that or verbalizing that. His behavior would not indicate a great amount of love. He probably still loves you but is preoccupied, bored, suffers ADHD, is stressed out, or is just taking you for granted. There is just no way I can tell from here. Unless you can pull this out somehow, you are in for a very lonely life. Sorry I can't help you here. But I will say that I love you very much because you make excellent, easy to read posts that are great on my eyes!!!

 

[Rachel]

Deejette and Sparkle

 

Sparkle Thank you. Your comment made me feel good. I have said he has many good points - the lie/s and the porn are the main issues.

 

Perhaps I am overdoing it with the criticism????

 

Also:- In response to your previous comment about the porn....

 

" Is he using your family funds to get into some of them?"

 

The answer is no. Not at all, just a pay by three month 'basic' account .

 

Deejette He has said many times that " he doesnt go along with the conventions...etc"

 

You are correct when you say men and women think differently - not just with love, but in many ways.

 

I am a romantic in my head. I guess it needs to stay there. Maybe my problem is a universal issue.

 

BOTH Thank you - I do feel less gloomy now.

 

Your input has been helpful and reassuring.

 

I have had mostly negative responses to the problems I have posted.

 

A refreshing change!

 

R

It sounds like he is showing you he loves you in his own way. Maybe he doesn't want to go along with the conventions of flowers and love notes. That is the way a woman wants to be loved, but it is not necessarily the way a man loves.

 

Sometimes women make the mistake of wanting to be loved the way they show love. The guy doesn't think that way and the woman then wonders if she is really loved.