Are we friends or more?

[completelyclueless]

Okay about 6 months ago a new girl started at my work. My work friends girlfriend also worked at the same place so he thought i should ask her out and we could double date or whatever. It turned out she had a boyfriend but she would always talk about there problems with me and after about a month they broke up. During the time they were going out we hung out a couple times going to the mall and movies (With other people and one time to the mall alone). When she broke up with him we talked alot more and hung a couple times before we went to a party together. After the party she said i could sleep at her house becuase i had to go to work in the morning and her house was much closer so i stayed (I ended up passing out on the couch about 3 minutes after we walked into the house). About 2 days later my friend from work talked to her and told me she was interested in me.

 

We went on a few more dates and word around work was that we both liked each other. My friend talked to her again and found this to be true but she wasn't ready to get into another relationship. I said that was fine even though i wanted to but i would rather be friends than nothing at all. Our work closed for a month for renovation and we decided to not work at all and just have fun and we hung out about 2-3 times a week (going to the beach, movies, and mini golf). During this time i was very confused about us. She told me that she hated talking on the phone which i thought to be weird and figured it meant she didnt want to hang out anymore but we still did and she would still ask to hang out. We kissed once and only once, i never did after the first 'offical' date which was at the begining of the month we had off. I'm not to sure if i shouldn't go in for a kiss now or what, Has it been to long? (a month since the kiss)

 

let me tell you a few details about this girl. She's different than any other girl i have met, which is why i think i like her so much. She absolutley refuses to call a guy. She doesnt like talking on the phone. She wants a guy that is all about her.. She has mostly guy friends. Doesn't take crap from anyone. isn't afraid to make fun of me(is that sign of just freinds?). I know she trusts me becuase she usually wont ride in cars with people she doesnt trust. We've cuddled together before at night(More than friends? is she waiting for me to make a move?)

 

Its been about 6 months now that we've known each other and we still hang out and refer to each other as friends, even though i want more than that. She still hangs out with her old boyfreind but says they are just friends and i believe her becuase they have been since they were 5. I don't know if she likes me or what, should i confront her? I don't want to ruin a friendship by asking something or doing something that shes not interested in. What should my next step be? We are going to a party together on thursday?

 

Please help me i am so confused

[uriel]

She's attracted to you and enjoys your company, but -- as she said earlier -- she wasn't interested in a relationship so close on the heels of the other. Maybe she's just not interested in one with you. Bottom line is, she's been sitting on the fence. The only way for you to move things forward and know for sure at this point is to have a talk with her about it.

 

Find a quiet moment before, during, or after the party. Tell her you've really been enjoying her company and want to know if she's ready to make this more of a regular dating relationship. If not, then ask her whether she just wants to be friends?

 

If that's all she wants, you need to know so that you can begin to see other women. She's had plenty of time to get over the other guy, get to know you, and make up her mind about whether she likes you enough for more.

 

Time to call her on it -- gently but firmly.

 

Good luck -- uriel

[completelyclueless]

I guess your right i just have to suck it up and have that dreaded talk with her. I just hope if she does just want to be friends she wont get weirded out by the whole thing. Thanks for the advice

 

--Kurt

[faux]

Originally posted by completelyclueless

Okay about 6 months ago a new girl started at my work. My work friends girlfriend also worked at the same place so he thought i should ask her out and we could double date or whatever. It turned out she had a boyfriend but she would always talk about there problems with me and after about a month they broke up.

 

During the time they were going out we hung out a couple times going to the mall and movies (With other people and one time to the mall alone). When she broke up with him we talked alot more and hung a couple times before we went to a party together.

 

Hmm. That isn't a good sign, I don't think. If she had problems in her relationship, why was she spending so much time with you, rather than working things out with her then boyfriend? I wouldn't have gotten involved.

 

...About 2 days later my friend from work talked to her and told me she was interested in me... We went on a few more dates and word around work was that we both liked each other. My friend talked to her again and found this to be true but she wasn't ready to get into another relationship...

 

I think this is a bit funny. Her last relationship ended because there was an obvious problem in communication with her then boyfriend. Now, there is already a communication problem between the two of you. You seem to be going by what friends say, or co-workers say, rather than talking to her face-to-face and getting her own personal and honest response to things.

 

"...my friend from work talked to her... and told me..." and "...word around work was..." are not reliable sources. I think it would be best for you to confront her in person and communicate a bit with her. It's never good to assume things in such situations.

 

I said that was fine even though i wanted to but i would rather be friends than nothing at all. Our work closed for a month for renovation and we decided to not work at all and just have fun and we hung out about 2-3 times a week (going to the beach, movies, and mini golf). During this time i was very confused about us.

 

So, you may not have exactly meant it when you said that being friends would be fine. It's never fine to lie about your intentions Who knows, if you had said what you were really thinking, something different may have come out of it. I also think it was a bad idea to keep having this other friend involved as a go-between. I'm sure that messenger messed up the messages quite frequently between you and this girl.

 

She absolutley refuses to call a guy.

 

That's a good thing? You like this about her? I think that's a horrid thing! How is she ever going to communicate properly to form a real relationship with anyone?

 

She doesnt like talking on the phone. She wants a guy that is all about her.. She has mostly guy friends. Doesn't take crap from anyone. isn't afraid to make fun of me(is that sign of just freinds?). I know she trusts me becuase she usually wont ride in cars with people she doesnt trust. We've cuddled together before at night(More than friends? is she waiting for me to make a move?)

 

She's self-absorbed, wanting a guy who is "all about her"? Relationships work two ways. One person can't do all of the work. As far as cuddling together, maybe she does that, and everything else you've done with her, with all of her other guy friends. Perhaps you should start talking to her rather than asking your friend to talk to her, or assuming and guessing.

 

If you want to know what she wants, you need to ask her.

 

Its been about 6 months now that we've known each other and we still hang out and refer to each other as friends, even though i want more than that.

 

It's been six months. If she saw the both of you as more than friends I'm sure she'd have mentioned it by now. She's had more than enough time to think about things.

 

I don't know if she likes me or what, should i confront her?

 

That, I think, is the mistake you have been repeating over and over from the very beginning. You have not been confronting her. You have gone by what other people say, or have had friends talk to her for you. This is a horrible habit to get involved in, unless you want to confuse yourself with misinformation.

 

Yes. You should confront her and ask her whatever it is that you want to know, and tell her whatever it is you want her to hear.

 

I don't want to ruin a friendship by asking something or doing something that shes not interested in. What should my next step be? We are going to a party together on thursday?

 

Please help me i am so confused

 

Talk to her. I wouldn't want to go to a party with someone unless I knew what my status was. If you are just a friend, are you fine with going to the party as only a friend?

[completelyclueless]

Hmm. That isn't a good sign, I don't think. If she had problems in her relationship, why was she spending so much time with you, rather than working things out with her then boyfriend? I wouldn't have gotten involved.

 

The reason she got out of her last relationship was becuase of him. The relationship had just become about sex and nothing else. She still loves the guy obviously you can't get over someone you have loved since you were 5, it doesn't go away that easy in 6 months. I didn't exactly try to get involved at first i kind wanted to be friends and go on a date or two something like that, but then i fell for her.

 

"...my friend from work talked to her... and told me..." and "...word around work was..." are not reliable sources. I think it would be best for you to confront her in person and communicate a bit with her. It's never good to assume things in such situations.

 

I didn't tell my friend or co-worker to go up with her they just did and told me what they talked about in so on. I'm not in second grade and need someone to ask a girl out for me. They just thought it was helpful information so they could try and get me to ask her out.

 

So, you may not have exactly meant it when you said that being friends would be fine. It's never fine to lie about your intentions Who knows, if you had said what you were really thinking, something different may have come out of it. I also think it was a bad idea to keep having this other friend involved as a go-between. I'm sure that messenger messed up the messages quite frequently between you and this girl.

 

I did mean it when i said it would be fine for us to be friends. I love her as my friend. I would love to have something more but i enjoy her company and I'm not going to just give that up easily just becuase she wont go out with me.

 

It's been six months. If she saw the both of you as more than friends I'm sure she'd have mentioned it by now. She's had more than enough time to think about things.

 

Maybe your right, she maybe she should have mentioned something, but not all girls do. She has hinted at future boyfriend and girlfriend things such as meeting parents

 

I know that i should talk to her and confront her but it's really hard. Do i really want to ruin it by making things akward. I love having her a friend and if thats how things have to stay then i can live with it becuase i am a better person when I'm around her.

 

Thanks i think i will talk with her though

--Kurt

[completelyclueless]

Ok so i went to the party with the girl i like, well it wasn't a complete disaster but no movements in how either of us feel.

 

Ok so my friend and I were planning a party and i told the girl (lets say her name is Sam) to meet me at my house so that way i could show her to the house. She told me she wouldn't be able to sleep over and had to go home in the morning so that is why she drove. We got there early and were just kinda hanging out talking a little but not a real lot. Later on we had to go meet some people, we're waiting in the parking lot and we're talking a whole lot more, until one of my friends showed up and she pretty much just sat there and said nothing. I was hanging outside mine and the kids car while she just sat in my car. I tried to get some conversation going with her but she just sat there.

 

Finally we go back to the party and i asked her if she would play some pong with me. She said yeah sure so we both went down there and played. I won but drank her drink for her becuase she couldnt finish it. After playing about 4 or 5 games i finally decided to quit and try to talk to her some more. She wasn't very talkative and she looked like she was really bored so i asked her if she wanted to play a drinking game that everyone was playing upstairs. We were having a little fun but then she said she was bored again. I got up and left to go to the bathroom and came back but she was gone. I went looking for her everywhere in the house and could not find her. My friend then called my cell phone to let me know he was comming and asked me to meet him and show him where the house was. I came back and she was still nowhere in sight. I asked a couple people where she had gone and they said looking for me.

 

I got really worried that she was gone and i didn't want her to be worried about me. She finally came back but told me that she was going to go home. I was sad about that becuase i didn't really get to spend that much time with her and kind of made an ass out of myself. I talked to her the next day at work and she said she was really worried about me and told me to never drive off like that again. I agreed that it was dumb and we kind of shared a moment.

 

Later that day i saw her ex boyfriend come in that i told you about in the first place and when she saw him her entire face lit up and she got all happy. This was a dagger to my heart, i now have no clue whats going on and am beginning to believe this is definatley only a friendship. She didn't seem like she was going back out with him but she was definatley excited to see him. What should my next step be and if i am to approach her what do i say?

 

I really need help, i have no idea how to confront her about this. please help!!!

 

---Kurt

[uriel]

You can keep beating around the bush forever, or you can just get some alone time with her -- no craziness, no drinking -- like at a lunch out or over coffee. Someplace quiet. Just you two. Let her know you'd like to date. There's no way to reduce the risk of this -- you might get rejected. You might get an indefinite "I don't know" -- which I'd take as rejection, too.

 

Problem with these situations is that if they were going to progress naturally, based on strong mutual chemistry, they almost always would have already. If she's holding back, she's either 1) not that interested in you (likes the companionship), 2) gunshy about relationships (but not crazy enough about you to get over her reluctance either), 3) still in love with her ex (a possibiity, given that she's keeping him in her life, face lights up when she sees him).

 

You won't know until you admit you like her "that way" and ask if she'd be interested in going to the next level. Just pick a way that seems most natural to you and spit it out.

 

-- uriel

[Mike31]

My friend does similar things regarding the phone too. Except my friend will call me, but its usually late and kept pretty short. I thought it was strange at first also. Hmm.

 

I knew that when I really liked someone, I wanted to talk with them as long as I could.

 

Yeah, your best bet is to get talking with her.