geekgirl Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 My boyfriend, of almost a year, visited a "happy ending" massage parlour. As far as I knew we were in a serious relationship, talking about long term stuff. Our sex life was great, and frequent. He went after we spent a really nice weekend together. He told me about it on New Years Eve He says it was a mistake, and that he won't do it again but doesn't really seem to think it was that serious. He is acting like I'm making mountains out of molehills. I feel awful. I loved him a lot, and so want to forgive him. But I dont think I should . Because, I don't want to be in a relationship where this keeps happening. And with his attitude, I can see that it will. Because, he will just expect me to get over it again, if he does it again. I just want reassurance, especially from the men out there, that a) I'm not making a fuss about nothing and b) this is NOT the norm for people in relationships. And so, I should let him go, and hold out for the kind of relationship that I want. Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 It's a very big deal, if it wasn't then it wouldn't be according to him "a mistake". A mistake is not going somewhere where you get a sexual favor performed on you by someone else. That's not a mistake, that is cheating. Does it matter whether it was performed by a "masseuse" or an ex girlfriend? Let's reverse it, if you went to a massage parlor where a guy performed an act on you, do you think he'd be cool with it? More importantly how guilty would YOU feel? Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It's a big deal to you then treat it as such and don't let him rug sweep you. If you tolerate this then you are tacit with his behavior, the boundaries will sooner or later get pushed further and further. His actions must have consequences. Cheating is cheating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 I'm a man and yes its a very big deal. Really disturbing that he actually comes and tells you about it and expects forgiveness. Really if he felt bad he should have just kept it to himself. Also if he for some crazy reason told you he should act like its disgusting what he did. This man will continue to hurt you in very odd ways if you continue to date him. He will come forward and tell you all kinds of odd hurtful things as if they are normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 His confession is a big positive. I give him some props for that. It's rare. But his lack of real remorse over it should probably be a dealbreaker for you. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 A serious relationship with a great sex life, yet he still went looking for a "happy ending" elsewhere? Something ain't right with the guy. Whatever the reason, something like this will happen again, especially if you let this incident slide. The fact that he would do this and think it's no big deal makes me think this guy is not a keeper. Link to post Share on other sites
Author geekgirl Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 This guy has to be young. I'm guessing 18-22. Only a complete young dumbass thinks like this. He's almost forty. He doesn't have a great relationship history, and I guess I'm finding out why. I believe he does love me, and NOW that he sees I'm seriously considering ending the relationship, I feel that he is sorry. But, I still don't think I should go back. I can't see how he could really believe that I wouldn't be hurt by it, and yet he still made the choice to go. I guess he felt that I would get over the hurt, and take him back anyway. So then, my feelings weren't really that important to him. It still sucks though Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 This guy has to be young. I'm guessing 18-22. Only a complete young dumbass thinks like this. He's almost forty. .... Oh my... forty and he still operates like this in his relationships? That's a red flag bigger than anything that was ever flown in the former Soviet Union. I feel bad for the single 40+ guys who actually have good relationship skills, because it's guys like this who give them all a bad rap. (Although I must admit, I don't think I ever met a single 40+ guy with good relationship skills... well, I'll believe a while longer that this type of unicorn really does exist.) I'm sorry, geekgirl, but I think you've made a good decision on ending the relationship. I think you're right that he didn't really care about your feelings, or he never would have done it. He only feels remorse now because he's actually going to lose something, not because he hurt you and disrespected the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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