what to do?

[silly]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year coming up in December. I love him like no other. He is truly my friend and confidant. However, he is not employed and it is putting quite a strain on the relationship. It has been one struggle after another except for 4 months when he was employed. I know he's depressed and going through a really hard time, but when I try to help him, he says I help him too much, and that I give him too much grief so I feel stuck, because I feel like we have both invested so much emotionally in this and our dreams we want to fulfill together that I don't know what to do. I know I need to do what's right for me, but I feel unappreciated for what we've endured but can't seem to find the right way to help, or is my help to let go? I try to, but then get frustrated that he doesn't seem to want to better things for us. HELP!

 

Silly

[Tony T]

Being unemployed is a real bummer. It attacks at the core of many men's ego and masculinity. It is very depressing and not something many men want to discuss openly with anyone, even their partner. It is a really bad time in most people's life.

 

When somebody tries to help, unsolicited, if they have a good job to offer, that is usually fine. But for some men, the type of support you offer may sound like sympathy or even a put down to them. A lot of men just don't want to discuss their problems, particularly this type. You would just have to be in his shoes to understand. Now, there are men who don't have quite the pride or ego that would be very open to the right kind of support but I think your guy is deep in depression.

 

We are now in the best economic times in world history. Unemployment is at an historic low. Jobs are plentiful in every city in the country. Your boyfriend may be waiting for a higher paying job that what is available or you may live in a very small town where jobs are actually scarce. He could commute to a nearby larger town for work if he wanted. However, unless you do live in a very small town or he is handicapped in some way, there is no excuse for not having a job in this current economy.

 

I think even a part time job would bring in a little cash while he is searching for a more desireable full time job.

 

There is no good reason why this time should create such a strain on your relationship. Unemployment is a reality that you deal with as a couple. This is a time that should bring you closer and it should give you an issue to work through together...no tear you apart. Many couples just can't understand this concept. This is not a time for either of you to lose your heads. This is a time for calm.

 

If you are satisfied that he is making an earnest and concerted effort to find work, stick by him and don't bother him about this. Just treat him kindly, be supportive but don't bring up the subject. Make ends meet the best you can. If he is not making an effort to find employment, you need to recognize that you don't need to be with a bum the rest of your life.

 

In my opinion, a good relationship is based on sound and open communication. I feel it is a danger sign that he doesn't want to discuss his unemployment issues with you. If he understood that you were being supportive and patient in his effort to find work, it would probably relieve some of the his depression. You need to take an inventory of just how effective the communication is between you and your boyfriend.

 

My bet is that he is not making a serious effort at finding work, or he doesn't know how to go about it. Maybe he needs to surf job sites on the net, read up on networking, call friends of his, come up with ideas he can sell to stores and companies, etc. etc.

 

Take him to a bookstore and, without opening your mouth, point out some books that give tips on obtaining employment. I really don't care where you live, there is a job for him if he is able to work.

 

If not, there is a man for you who is able to work...and communicate...and appreciate your kindness during difficult times.

[silly]

THanks Tony, for your insight.

 

You are right, there should be something out there for him, and he is trying, earnestly I believe, I can say that. However, it's hard to feel patient and understanding and support things financially when he is incommunicative, which he says he is doing to save me grief? I understand this. (BTW, we are not living together)

 

I do know it is hard on his ego, we have talked about that very point and how it affects him, his motivation and our relationship. I think it is even harder because he has a degree and master's in mech. engineering, has run three companies... and we live in Austin, Texas!! There are many factors that directly affect his current state other than non-employment, that I see. He thinks it all revolves around not having a job, and no money, however I believe there are some other factors such as his past, expectations and relationship with his parents that keep him from rising above. As well, I have seen his inability to manage money and his need to pay people back that he has already borrowed from and the affect it has on his ability to hold on to money to help himself. I have watched him make bad decisions that then affect us because i then have to pay for everything or we don't do anything. He also has been pressured to support his own parents which I'm sure is something that is not easy to say no to.

 

He says he wants to change it all, save money, be stable, invest and travel with me and I truly believe he does, but I"m not sure he knows how like you said? I think I should get him a book, but not just a job book, something else that will help him. It seems he has exhausted almost all resources and is at a loss?

 

We are both baffled, I have my ideas why things aren't improving, maybe he has tapped himself out here in Austin or b/c it is a more software oriented environment, his hardware experience isn't highly desired. But you are right, there should be something he could do... he has been working security for a friend of his, which as been hard on his ego. He is brilliant, but not always 100% on the common sense side.

 

I appreciate your feedback and objectivity. It has been difficult because I know my parents and friends think I should MAYBE get out to save myself, but at least my friends realize how much we love each other and are best friends.

 

Any other thoughts?

Being unemployed is a real bummer. It attacks at the core of many men's ego and masculinity. It is very depressing and not something many men want to discuss openly with anyone, even their partner. It is a really bad time in most people's life. When somebody tries to help, unsolicited, if they have a good job to offer, that is usually fine. But for some men, the type of support you offer may sound like sympathy or even a put down to them. A lot of men just don't want to discuss their problems, particularly this type. You would just have to be in his shoes to understand. Now, there are men who don't have quite the pride or ego that would be very open to the right kind of support but I think your guy is deep in depression.

 

We are now in the best economic times in world history. Unemployment is at an historic low. Jobs are plentiful in every city in the country. Your boyfriend may be waiting for a higher paying job that what is available or you may live in a very small town where jobs are actually scarce. He could commute to a nearby larger town for work if he wanted. However, unless you do live in a very small town or he is handicapped in some way, there is no excuse for not having a job in this current economy. I think even a part time job would bring in a little cash while he is searching for a more desireable full time job. There is no good reason why this time should create such a strain on your relationship. Unemployment is a reality that you deal with as a couple. This is a time that should bring you closer and it should give you an issue to work through together...no tear you apart. Many couples just can't understand this concept. This is not a time for either of you to lose your heads. This is a time for calm.

 

If you are satisfied that he is making an earnest and concerted effort to find work, stick by him and don't bother him about this. Just treat him kindly, be supportive but don't bring up the subject. Make ends meet the best you can. If he is not making an effort to find employment, you need to recognize that you don't need to be with a bum the rest of your life. In my opinion, a good relationship is based on sound and open communication. I feel it is a danger sign that he doesn't want to discuss his unemployment issues with you. If he understood that you were being supportive and patient in his effort to find work, it would probably relieve some of the his depression. You need to take an inventory of just how effective the communication is between you and your boyfriend. My bet is that he is not making a serious effort at finding work, or he doesn't know how to go about it. Maybe he needs to surf job sites on the net, read up on networking, call friends of his, come up with ideas he can sell to stores and companies, etc. etc. Take him to a bookstore and, without opening your mouth, point out some books that give tips on obtaining employment. I really don't care where you live, there is a job for him if he is able to work. If not, there is a man for you who is able to work...and communicate...and appreciate your kindness during difficult times.

[Deejette]

Now that you have explained that he is not wise in his money management and that if you want to do anything together "out" you have to pay, I think you should re-examine the relationship.

 

Sometimes love is just not enough. A person can be madly in love with an alcoholic, for example, who is hell-bent on destruction. That does not make for happy living-together.

 

You may love your boyfriend, but if his behavior is financially disasterous to you, you will see how long that love will continue. You cannot instill financial responsibility in him just because you want him to show it. You will see that you cannot nag him about it, so you will swallow it. But the resentment will build up until it blows sky high, like a volcano. You will resent him for not changing and he will resent you for nagging.

THanks Tony, for your insight. You are right, there should be something out there for him, and he is trying, earnestly I believe, I can say that. However, it's hard to feel patient and understanding and support things financially when he is incommunicative, which he says he is doing to save me grief? I understand this. (BTW, we are not living together)

 

I do know it is hard on his ego, we have talked about that very point and how it affects him, his motivation and our relationship. I think it is even harder because he has a degree and master's in mech. engineering, has run three companies... and we live in Austin, Texas!! There are many factors that directly affect his current state other than non-employment, that I see. He thinks it all revolves around not having a job, and no money, however I believe there are some other factors such as his past, expectations and relationship with his parents that keep him from rising above. As well, I have seen his inability to manage money and his need to pay people back that he has already borrowed from and the affect it has on his ability to hold on to money to help himself. I have watched him make bad decisions that then affect us because i then have to pay for everything or we don't do anything. He also has been pressured to support his own parents which I'm sure is something that is not easy to say no to. He says he wants to change it all, save money, be stable, invest and travel with me and I truly believe he does, but I"m not sure he knows how like you said? I think I should get him a book, but not just a job book, something else that will help him. It seems he has exhausted almost all resources and is at a loss? We are both baffled, I have my ideas why things aren't improving, maybe he has tapped himself out here in Austin or b/c it is a more software oriented environment, his hardware experience isn't highly desired. But you are right, there should be something he could do... he has been working security for a friend of his, which as been hard on his ego. He is brilliant, but not always 100% on the common sense side. I appreciate your feedback and objectivity. It has been difficult because I know my parents and friends think I should MAYBE get out to save myself, but at least my friends realize how much we love each other and are best friends. Any other thoughts?

[Tony T]

A man with his education and experience should have no problem finding a job if he markets himself properly. He needs to either hook up with a good headhunter or an excellent personnel agency. He also may need to broaden his arena of acceptable jobs to include management outside the technical field.

 

Now, the major problem as I see it is not his joblessness but his irresponsible handling of money. I've seen this often. Spending is akin to alcoholism. Many people are absolutely powerless of money, just as their drinking, and money burns a hole in their pocket. No matter how much money they make, they never have any left after paying bills and they're always in debt. This sounds like your honey.

 

If major changes are to come in his handling of money, he will have to enter a twelve step program, hire a money manager, or otherwise enter intensive counselling in order to overcome his spendaholism. Often this is related to codependent issues which have as their origin an abusive or neglectful childhood.

 

I would just forget him for a week or so and take the time to decide if you want to go through an entire life of financial trauma. There are many things to worry about in life without having to scrape for money to pay essential bills. But you have to make this determination.

 

Cut and paste the following web address. Here you will find an excellent book that will help your guy if he really wants it: http://www.hcibooks.com/book-description.asp?BookID=131

 

The book is "Permission to Succeed" by Noah St. John. Read the digest of the book. There are many other excellent and helpful books on various applicable topics at this site but you'll have to navigate it well at: http://www.hcibooks.com

 

Again, I promise you, if you are with somebody who cannot handle their finances, you are in for a life of hell and all the love in the world won't hold a marriage like that up.

[silly]

Thanks for your suggestions, I will check out the books and see what I find that may be helpful. He did have a neglectful childhood which your are right is tied directly to his co-dependent behavior and inability to handle money. I know it is not my responsibility to fix, and I don't want to build up resentment, but it is true that his behavior will have to go through a fundamental shift. and it will take some time and am I willing to deal with the uncertainty. We are currently spending about a week without seeing each other b/c of travle etc.. which is good, so I will have some time to do some thinking.

 

Thanks again, as your suggestions have been wonderful and helped me to look at things differently, and especially with the book at least provide something of benefit to him without being a nag.

A man with his education and experience should have no problem finding a job if he markets himself properly. He needs to either hook up with a good headhunter or an excellent personnel agency. He also may need to broaden his arena of acceptable jobs to include management outside the technical field. Now, the major problem as I see it is not his joblessness but his irresponsible handling of money. I've seen this often. Spending is akin to alcoholism. Many people are absolutely powerless of money, just as their drinking, and money burns a hole in their pocket. No matter how much money they make, they never have any left after paying bills and they're always in debt. This sounds like your honey. If major changes are to come in his handling of money, he will have to enter a twelve step program, hire a money manager, or otherwise enter intensive counselling in order to overcome his spendaholism. Often this is related to codependent issues which have as their origin an abusive or neglectful childhood. I would just forget him for a week or so and take the time to decide if you want to go through an entire life of financial trauma. There are many things to worry about in life without having to scrape for money to pay essential bills. But you have to make this determination. Cut and paste the following web address. Here you will find an excellent book that will help your guy if he really wants it: http://www.hcibooks.com/book-description.asp?BookID=131

 

The book is "Permission to Succeed" by Noah St. John. Read the digest of the book. There are many other excellent and helpful books on various applicable topics at this site but you'll have to navigate it well at: http://www.hcibooks.com

 

Again, I promise you, if you are with somebody who cannot handle their finances, you are in for a life of hell and all the love in the world won't hold a marriage like that up.

[silly]

thanks for the thoughts Dejette, and I have thought of everything you have said, believe me! It is time for me to be with myself and do some examining and go from there. It is hard, b/c he does think love is enough... that is his romantic and unrealistic side talking!!! You and Tony have been wonderful. Thanks.

Now that you have explained that he is not wise in his money management and that if you want to do anything together "out" you have to pay, I think you should re-examine the relationship.

 

Sometimes love is just not enough. A person can be madly in love with an alcoholic, for example, who is hell-bent on destruction. That does not make for happy living-together. You may love your boyfriend, but if his behavior is financially disasterous to you, you will see how long that love will continue. You cannot instill financial responsibility in him just because you want him to show it. You will see that you cannot nag him about it, so you will swallow it. But the resentment will build up until it blows sky high, like a volcano. You will resent him for not changing and he will resent you for nagging.

 

[butterfly]

I have some experience there that might help you, silly. I was 19, he was 23. We decided to live together in a city far away from both our families. We ariive, I get a job the very forst day. He is a musician so he told me it would be harder for him to find a job than it was for me. I worked, some days 12 hours a day, non stop. only had sundays off. He would spend all day long walking in the beach (we lived in Cancun, mexico). Six months pass, i can barely pay the rent, our food, we had NO furniture in the home. we lived in a very nasty neighborhood. He still hasn;t found any job. He had had two offers that required him to dress up, so he didn't take them. And all along i had thought i had to be supportive, that he was not a bum, just different. Well, i one day opened my eyes and saw the reality. he WAS a bum, taking advantage of a hard working girl like me. I broke up with him, yes, it was hard. I was VERY in love with him, but now that i am far from that (three years) and have another relationship, now I realize that i was right and that no one should take advantage of anyone like that.

Being unemployed is a real bummer. It attacks at the core of many men's ego and masculinity. It is very depressing and not something many men want to discuss openly with anyone, even their partner. It is a really bad time in most people's life. When somebody tries to help, unsolicited, if they have a good job to offer, that is usually fine. But for some men, the type of support you offer may sound like sympathy or even a put down to them. A lot of men just don't want to discuss their problems, particularly this type. You would just have to be in his shoes to understand. Now, there are men who don't have quite the pride or ego that would be very open to the right kind of support but I think your guy is deep in depression.

 

We are now in the best economic times in world history. Unemployment is at an historic low. Jobs are plentiful in every city in the country. Your boyfriend may be waiting for a higher paying job that what is available or you may live in a very small town where jobs are actually scarce. He could commute to a nearby larger town for work if he wanted. However, unless you do live in a very small town or he is handicapped in some way, there is no excuse for not having a job in this current economy. I think even a part time job would bring in a little cash while he is searching for a more desireable full time job. There is no good reason why this time should create such a strain on your relationship. Unemployment is a reality that you deal with as a couple. This is a time that should bring you closer and it should give you an issue to work through together...no tear you apart. Many couples just can't understand this concept. This is not a time for either of you to lose your heads. This is a time for calm.

 

If you are satisfied that he is making an earnest and concerted effort to find work, stick by him and don't bother him about this. Just treat him kindly, be supportive but don't bring up the subject. Make ends meet the best you can. If he is not making an effort to find employment, you need to recognize that you don't need to be with a bum the rest of your life. In my opinion, a good relationship is based on sound and open communication. I feel it is a danger sign that he doesn't want to discuss his unemployment issues with you. If he understood that you were being supportive and patient in his effort to find work, it would probably relieve some of the his depression. You need to take an inventory of just how effective the communication is between you and your boyfriend. My bet is that he is not making a serious effort at finding work, or he doesn't know how to go about it. Maybe he needs to surf job sites on the net, read up on networking, call friends of his, come up with ideas he can sell to stores and companies, etc. etc. Take him to a bookstore and, without opening your mouth, point out some books that give tips on obtaining employment. I really don't care where you live, there is a job for him if he is able to work. If not, there is a man for you who is able to work...and communicate...and appreciate your kindness during difficult times.