Mystery2Me Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Feeling blue this morning, angry, and a bit overwhelmed about living life as a BS, who was blind sighted (I have taken responsibility for ignoring the signs) and abandoned to clean up a horrible mess that I alone did not create. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for everything I have and am grateful for the progress made since D-day. But truth is today, I am simply exhausted at where I find myself.........my former life is over and this new life is still beyond my reach. The infidelity, lies, betrayal and divorce are all consuming; and the effort to maintain sanity and clarity often depletes all my energy. My current anger stems from his not following thru with his promise to handle the divorce, and leaving me take responsibility for the divorce process. Today, I long for a soft place to fall and miss having the support of a husband. I know that I must strive to move forward to truly be happy. Oh well, nothing to do but buck up and get on with it....forcing myself to meet friends for coffee in a bit. Praying for peace and strength..... Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Mystery,you have a reason to be exhausted!This moving on thing is physically stressful and emotionally draining.What makes it worse is that the ones who brought this on are out having a life!That part angers me to no end.They make the mess and just fly away.In my case I was exhausted more when STBXWW was here,walking on eggshells is very demanding on your mind. I call it the "Seagull" management syndrome (I have had bosses and investors who practice this mgmt style) they fly in ,eat your lunch,sqwak,crap on your picnic and fly away!!!We get to clean up the mess. That's how I see the STBXWW anyway,it angers me to even see her handwriting on a piece of paper at this stage!I will pay the price of exhaustion in order to salvage the rest of my life. You are in emotional winter now,the good thing is that after winter comes spring!You'll be reaping the rewards of having gone through your "winter" very soon.You can plant a different crop this time!One that will appreciate you.And that makes all of this worth it. Carry on Mystery2Me,you're on the right track.Cinnabelle needs you to be strong. REVITUP 2 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I was also thinking of writing a letter to the STBXWW,detailing all of the awful things she has done and how I will never like her at all.I would tell her everything I hate about her and her nasty lifestyle.I would be awful in my analysis.I would be hateful and mean and nasty to her in this letter.I would let her know she is the worst woman in the world and an awful mother. Then I would never send the letter!!!I think it would somehow make me feel better to get it all on paper as though I were sending it. Maybe this would relieve the emotional stress of having it all banging around in my head.This might actually give me some closure,maybe? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 Feeling blue this morning, angry, and a bit overwhelmed about living life as a BS, who was blind sighted (I have taken responsibility for ignoring the signs) and abandoned to clean up a horrible mess that I alone did not create. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for everything I have and am grateful for the progress made since D-day. But truth is today, I am simply exhausted at where I find myself.........my former life is over and this new life is still beyond my reach. The infidelity, lies, betrayal and divorce are all consuming; and the effort to maintain sanity and clarity often depletes all my energy. My current anger stems from his not following thru with his promise to handle the divorce, and leaving me take responsibility for the divorce process. Today, I long for a soft place to fall and miss having the support of a husband. I know that I must strive to move forward to truly be happy. Oh well, nothing to do but buck up and get on with it....forcing myself to meet friends for coffee in a bit. Praying for peace and strength..... Mystery I have no great words of wisdom for you, but I sure have been where you have described so eloquently. My life is so different than it was 2 years ago, that I hardly recognize it. I work 2 jobs, I am always broke trying to pay for my debts and my son in college, I no longer have that one other person, I live with the lies, his infidelity, his really cruel betrayal and I am in a new pattern now, with new aspirations and dreams that are not actually formed yet! But, like you, I am grateful for what I do have. Some days were so bad that I had to ration what I could think about and for how long. I felt so fragile inside that I felt as if I had to be careful with those thoughts. I am so much stronger now. You are too. Lots of good thoughts and any strength I can muster are coming your way right now >>>>>>>there it is! Best to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 REVITUP, Many thanks for the encouragement, and Cinnabelle appreciates it too! You are spot on with your description of the emotional and physical toll this sordid business doles out to the BS....and WWS just skips off into a new life (even if we know it's all an ugly fantasy). The letter is a great idea, my therapist has suggested it too; so I will give it a go. I hope it works brilliantly for you and brings about much deserved peace. Like so many others the grief process cycles, and right now for me depression-anger is visiting again....can't wait to move on the acceptance round. Let's hope that once we all move beyond this mess; we can find and enjoy a fulfilling/healthy relationship. Enjoy a lovely Sunday with DD14! ~Mystery 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted January 6, 2013 Author Share Posted January 6, 2013 Thank you so much for the good thoughts and strength! It brings about such comfort when you are encouraged by one that can truly identify with the struggle. I am deeply sorry for all that you have gone thru and continue to deal with. You are so right about needing to ration our thoughts. Steen you are a super hero with all you are doing, and I know your son appreciates his Mother's strength and commitment. I am proud of and for you! Be good to yourself. Sending you strength and joy>>>>>> :-) Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 (edited) Mystery,you are right about the cycling of the stages.I had hoped that once I passed "GO" I didn't land on "go back two spaces and do not collect $200.00". Wishful thinking on my part I guess. Anyway as for the depression and anger... 39 yrs old Fit and petite Great work ethic PHd in hand Wiser for having gone through this mess Cool K9 Cinnabelle And a load of common sense Yep,you can now leave the depression and anger stage and go to the "Any man would be lucky to be my friend" stage!!!! Go have the great day you deserve. REVITUP Edited January 7, 2013 by revitup left word out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 Many thanks, Revitup! Give the gentleman $500 for the monopoly analogy. I am feeling bit better today and officially back to work. I do wish that us BSs could have an easier and not so winding a path to travel, but suppose the difficulties will allow a greater appreciation of the final destination. Hope you too enjoyed a well deserved great day. I'm sure DD14 is looking forward to telling you about her new school and friends. Take care of yourself and thanks again for the support. ~Mystery Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 M2M / revit / Steen Like almost everybody else on this forum, I too had dark days. In fact there was a time I actually wondered whether I would ever laugh again, as at that time it did not seem possible. In order to get me through the dark days, I dove head first back into my hobbies, then set out to try other things that I had wanted to try. I failed at raising orchids, but found that I liked raising and breeding rare tropical fish. I also invested a lot of time teaching myself how to cook some gourmet meals. The way I figured it, was every second that I was able to mentally escape my problems by not thinking about her, was a victory, and then to turn the seconds into minutes, and hours. It didn't happen right away, but it was not long before I began to see results. And the best part, I did find someone new, and we have now been happily in love for almost 20 years. Even better, last year I found a recent photo of my Ex. Boy, am I glad that I don't have to kiss that every morning 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted January 7, 2013 Author Share Posted January 7, 2013 2.50 Gallon....you are right on time for us newbies! Excellent suggestions and the good news is I am doing a few of them to focus my thoughts positively. Congratulations finding your true love and a long loving relationship...inspires us all! Thank you...thank you..thank you! ~Mystery Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 7, 2013 Share Posted January 7, 2013 Thank you so much for the good thoughts and strength! It brings about such comfort when you are encouraged by one that can truly identify with the struggle. I am deeply sorry for all that you have gone thru and continue to deal with. You are so right about needing to ration our thoughts. Steen you are a super hero with all you are doing, and I know your son appreciates his Mother's strength and commitment. I am proud of and for you! Be good to yourself. Sending you strength and joy>>>>>> :-) Oh, goodness, no super hero, just a hard worker and a mom who loves her son. But, thank you for your kind words. I take any I can get! Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 I still have moments of this consuming sadness too. The seemingly cheesy phrase of "make plans, stay busy" does seem to help when I feel like this. I recently had a lot of time off for the holidays, which I do every year. Except this year I didn't have as many things to do during that time off as I usually do. I still saw family and friends, etc., but there were days where I found it hard to get up and moving to start the day when I didn't have much going on. I'm big on exercise and exercised a ton over break, but even when those were my only plans for the day I felt I struggled to really get moving. Once I was more into a routine it seemed to help. I'm actually glad to be back to work and back into my new routine of things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mystery2Me Posted January 9, 2013 Author Share Posted January 9, 2013 Hello Ms.O! It is a rough road this re-discovering ourselves and starting a new. Glad that returning to work has restored stability for you. I too am happy to be back work, and am thankfully can maintain better focused compared to before vacation. Still, I tend to zone out or am ambushed by a negative thought. Have a great week and take very good care of yourself. ~Mystery Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts