How do we resolve the problem of cold feet in an engagement

[lostguy]

 

I'll make it simple, I know for a fact that its normal to have cold feet before marraige, but what can we do to resolve this nervous feeling, is it time? Help me out understand more why we get these feelings when we are engaged.

[Karlise13]

A lot of my friends have had cold feet feelings.....not just when they were preparing for marriage but when considering parenthood as well.

 

I think it's the permanence of these types of decisions.

 

Once you go forward, you really can never go back. Yes, people do end up divorced but they are forever changed in a certain sense. It's a step into a future that is unfamiliar and rife with uncertainty.

 

I think many of us fear becoming like our parents, getting old, having to make difficult compromises, etc. The words 'marriage' and 'committment' carry negative connotations for many people.

 

Reality bubbles up as we plan to spend our lives with one person. We have to look past the romance and wonder, "Will they still like me in twenty years? Are we going to argue about her lax budgeting? Is she going to nag me about staying out late? Are we going to agree on where to live? What if I want to change careers?"

 

I think having cold feet is part of taking the whole marriage vows thing very seriously and realizing this is a major undertaking.

 

Can you talk honestly to your fiancee about your feelings? You are probably both feeling similarly

 

All my female friends had 'cold feet' too, although I don't think they communicated that to very many people

 

Everyone expects you to go the altar full of bliss and confidence....when in fact, feeling scared to death is probably pretty normal!

[Samson]

Help me out understand more why we get these feelings when we are engaged.

 

Where to begin, lostguy.....................where to begin?

 

I could post a thousand words, but I won't. I'll try to summarize.

 

You are CHOOSING to open a door, that, in all probability, will lead you to hell.

 

You want to know why you feel apprehensive?

 

Nough, said.

Samson

[Karlise13]

Wow Samson.....

 

I realize you've been through hell yourself recently, but I don't know if your statements are helping lostguy!!!

 

OUCH

 

By the way, please post somewhere and let us know how you're doing? I read the details of your ongoing saga a while back...

[Samson]

Yeah, I agree Karlise, however,

 

Reality can be a brutal beast.

 

Based on lostguy's needs, it sounded like he needed a dose, opposed to all the mamby-pamby, mealy-mouthed "help" regarding the careful weighing of marital cons against pros, and the enevitable counting of how many angels will be able to stand on the end of our pens.

 

As to my own story.................I'll PM.

[Matilda]

Once again, I am trying to repair damage done by the tactless Samson. But once again, I kind of agree with him.

 

I think you need to pay close attention to your cold feet feelings, and really examine why you are having them. I ignored my anxiety before my first marriage, and it was a huge mistake. Second marriage, I had very little to no anxiety, and 10 years later, things are going well.

 

Maybe this link about Preparing for Marriage will help, I didn't see anything specifically related to the question of cold feet there though.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html

[Samson]

Once again, I am trying to repair damage done by the tactless Samson.

 

You know, Matilda, I couldn't ask for a better caretaker.

 

But rather than clean up after me, howsabout trying a little rehabilitation. I'm thinking about a midnight massage in a hot tube outside a lodge in Aspen...............well, I suppose you'd better PM before I hijack the thread with a long list of ............................suggestions.

[Matilda]

Originally posted by Samson

You know, Matilda, I couldn't ask for a better caretaker.

 

But rather than clean up after me, howsabout trying a little rehabilitation. I'm thinking about a midnight massage in a hot tube outside a lodge in Aspen...............well, I suppose you'd better PM before I hijack the thread with a long list of ............................suggestions.

 

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm there Samson? And as for the rehabilitation, sorry it's a no go until you pass that Dale Carnegie course. I've got a very fragile heart you see.

[Samson]

You've detected lots of hints, Matilda.