Feel like I dont deserve my boyfriend because I messed up

[punkrocksista]

I havent been the best girlfriend, in the realtionship i was always faithful to my boyfriend never cheated but I put myself in stupid situations. My b.f always treated be good but sometimes because i had problems with myself i felt the need to take it out on him.. my boyfriend went thru my phone 2 years ago and find a text from a guy that i thought i could be friends with ,i admitt i was wrong for giving out my number but we exchanged pics and i told the guy he looked amazing he was upset,but once i saw the guy getting sexual i told him we cant be friends and not to talk to me again because he knew i had a man and we agreed to be friends..my boyfriend saw that so he forgot it.. When had a rocky realtionship and my boyfriend suffered from e.d(cant get it up) i took it personal thought it had to do with me, because he said it never happened before and like 4 months into the realtionship i gave him oral and he said he would do to me but when it came to me he didnt do it..so i thought that his sexual issues had to do with me so i admit i was a little mean and when we would fight i would always break up with him and we got back..so many times im mostly the one doing so.. When later during our rough patch one of my ex from the pass can back in my life he gave me a x.mas card ans i gave him a card, i told my b.f all this as it went on..to make a long story short i felt myself developing feelings for him..i think the main reason was because he send flowers to my house..i told my boyfriend .. he was upset ,i feel bad for fliriting with my ex and taking stuff but i never did anything with him not even kiss..later i distance myself from him. My boyfriend knew about my ex and us seeing each other.. I feel like my b,f should have better because also during one of our breakups for him going thru my phone i got mad because he was drunk and got loud in front my friends i broke up with him.. i feel terrible because i made a online dating site ..i just wanted to make friends and ever meet any guy there and when me and my boyfriend got back i deleted it..i never told him I did that because we wasn't really together I never meant anyone on there and said I just wanted friends but i feel still bad!

 

well to make a long story short he broke up with me because we wasnt getting nowhere and i was hurt so i got back on the site ans started dating more than friends during our 4 month breakup .. I never had sex with any of them just kiss.. he did stuff with his girl best friend durning split.. later we got back together i begged him ans i love him more than ever and i feel soooooo terrible for how i treated him,,he knows it i told him i felt bad..i feel like how can i be a bad person and put him in situations like that if i loved him now i love him more than ever and i wish i could take it all back,,

 

he tells me he moving forward and he knows i learned and he trust me but i feel ssooo bad for putting myself in questionable things... help????? i cant forgive myself like he has forgive me just hurts to know i hurt him soo much!! what can i do???

 

I feel like a piece of trash on the street for treating him this way, sometimes I cry it hurts because I love him now soo much and I look back and think why I did that! I kno I will never repeat that again! I feel like i emotional cheated on him and it hurts because I love him soo much know and i deeply hate myself for it all. I dont want him to think less of me