How do I "LOVE"???

[earlgrey]

20 years ago, in my youth, I found the right woman. Perfect emotion support, great sex, and wonderful friends. We were young, and I moved on with a LOT of regret. The next 10 years were meaningless relationships either heavy in sex, or in friendship. Nothing to encompass the whole mess of life.

 

10 years ago I married my wife. We have had a wonderful friendship, but little sex. Maybe once a month. Maybe. I find her cute, emotionally healthy, but little fire. Passion is not a word I have ever used to describe us.

 

I started counseling a few years ago about how I have trouble keeping "LOVE" in my heart for woman long term. I am in a quandry about how little passion and love (verb) I am able to give. Forgetting for a second that we have a ton of relationship issues, I want this thread to be about me.

 

I want to know how to love someone? Tell me your story...

 

eg

[TaraMaiden]

First, you need to define Love, in the context of what you need from your wife.

 

Clearly, you're not getting the 'whole package'.

 

You cannot dismiss, or 'forget for a second', the fact that you have a whole raft of relationship issues, because these too, are part of the whole.

 

It's not like your wife has multiple personas, each of which function in a different, compartmentalised fashion.

 

And if you have issues - then you BOTH have issues.

If it were so simple, life would be perfect - and the Classical Poets would be out of a job.

 

This can't be about just you.

For you cannot Love, without considering that object of your love.

[earlgrey]

Great advice!

 

Somewhere between settling down with a mortgage, marriage, and children I lost the ability to love my wife. When I dig deep through history I see that I may have even chosen to do so willfully. Pre-married life was de-cluttered, simple, and emotional. I was able to see the romantic side of myself fully. My adult life is much more complicated. Counseling has shown me that I never let go of that adventurous, loving persona, but have never brought it to my marriage. I am deeply conflicted on how to solve this. How does one take down walls that have been up since the beginning?

 

We laugh, we play, we raise our son, but we don't love or support.

[january2011]

Am I right in thinking that you haven't let go of the woman that you feel in love with 20 years ago? Most likely because you liked who you were when you were with her?

 

This sounds an awful lot like some kind of mid-life crisis/turning point. We all go through these crises at some point in our lives. We find oursevles evaluating what we have now and looking back with regret at what we thought we'd lost because we don't like the person we are today.

 

You can take steps as suggested upthread to recreate some of the limerance you had for your wife when you first met, but it's unikely to be the same again. You are both different people. And you are definitely a different person to who you were 20 years ago.

 

I once read somewhere that you know you are "old" when you no longer have dreams and all you have are your memories. Sometimes it is useful to look back, but it sounds as though you are staring and can't seem to turn away. Why not make some plans for the future so that you and your family have more to look forward to? Life does indeed get monotonous if you don't take control and start making things happen. And this is a great time to do it. There are so many things going on in the world, especially if you live in a metropolitan area.

 

Talk to your wife. See how she feels about your current lifestyles and if she also wants to shake things up a little. She may also be feeling dissatisfied about the monotony. In which case, you have a partner-in-crime to start planning some wonderful experiences together. If possible, find a baby sitter, if your children are too young to look after themselves. Take some time off to spend with your wife. Just the two of you where you are not mum and dad, but husband and wife.