sotoman Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 id like female opinions on something please. example: youre with a guy for a few years, living together, etc. hes had some problems, things that you didnt like, but after a lot of work, he improves and is getting better. he treats you better, stops doing the things you didnt like, etc. (went to counseling, got a job, quit drugs, stopped looking at porn, whatever the case may be...) main point: would you keep trying at the relationship if you knew he was improved, or would you dump him, even if he is improved because you were still hurt? i guess im asking because it doesnt make sense to me as a guy to fix him then leave him... id figure that once he was fixed, the female should be happy and they should work on it together. ive read a post in this forum where the girl helps the guy quit drugs, then she dumps him. after he cleans up, he tries to get her back, and she says no! then when he moves on, she cries that shes hurt how hes moved on, and that she did this for them to be happy together! thats what i dont get. why didnt she take him back when he got better? and then why did she cry about it when he moved on? is the investment and work that they both put into the relationship important enough? thanks so much for your insight. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 Motive: Did he improve for you, or did he improve because he knew he had to, and needed to do it for himself? If he improves in order to keep a GF happy and to secure the relationship - it will never work, because his motive is wrong, she will never trust the improvement is permanent, and she will furthermore never be happy with the improvement stopping there. One person cannot 'fix' another. Neither should they try, nor assume they have that right. "A man convinced' against his will' Is of the same opinion still". if a person decided to change what they themselves see as an issue, then they should make those changes for themselves, regardless of whether there is a partner or not. BY all means, that partner could be supportive and encouraging - but orchestrating and demanding those changes? Nah-hah. Shouldn't happen that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sotoman Posted January 5, 2013 Author Share Posted January 5, 2013 maybe i didnt elaborate enough. its a hypothetical-- --he learned that he needs to improve, whether she is there or not. --he does not do it to keep her, but he would like to, so that they can let the relationship flourish with the new improvements. he feels like a new man and is happy. he loves her. --she helped him to see that he had problems, but she wasnt demanding or orchestrating. --she broke up with him because of the problems, but she stays in touch. now again, what do you ladies think you would do? if it was sincere on his part, and he didnt do it to just secure the relationship? if there was a REAL improvement?? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 My reply still stands. If the guy does it for himself, then it's immaterial whether she remains in the relationship or not. no matter what he's doing, she's not 'getting it'. There's something lacking for her, and improvements or no, it was never going to work. But she shouldn't 'stay in touch'. To what purpose? To be a 'friend'? Bad idea. That's just a guilt dissipator. If she bails, then it's NC. Every time, irrespective. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetkiwi Posted January 5, 2013 Share Posted January 5, 2013 If this is just a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship NOT heading towards marriage then you dont owe eachother anything. How long has "guy" been better? A week? If its been some real amount of time then I would give "guy" a chance. But Thats her call. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts