emotional affair?

[guest]

I posted a few months ago. I have been emailing a mm for about 6 months now, we have spoken only briefly on the phone 3x. I was advised here to get some therapy and am in therapy now, it's very hard/painful for me and I feel worse being in therapy than not at the moment. I'm not sure what this is anymore, it started out as flirting/friendship. Is it friendship is it more, is it just internet fun with some emotional attachment developing. I guess if he is emailing me for this length of time it would be a long time for someone out only for sex. I've told him if he wants a physical relationship with me he has to get divorced and have refused to even meet him so far. He claims that his marriage has no sex anymore. They have two adult children who are successful. His wife has health/hormonal problems and has lost her sex drive, but they had a good sex life prior. I told him to work on it with her and he says they tried repeatedly but she won't get thearapy etc. He admits that he still loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her either, I could imagine myself in this situation. I told him he will never divorce and he should find someone who he cares for who doesn't mind being his mistress. He has made it clear that he is interested in me physically, but not in hopping into bed with me and says he has only had sex with his wife during the time of their marriage which is 30 years. He feels the way I am living isn't healthy which I realize is true and he is also encouraging me to find someone for myself. I have problems with men/relationships/sex and have started in therapy due to him mostly and advice from someone here. Right now I am just working on coming to terms with myself and loving myself, which is difficult to do at my age. When he first started emailing me it did encourage me to go out and meet men, but unfortunately I didn't meet anyone good.

 

I am in a difficult life situation and I feel some emotional support and stress relief to email him occasionally, although we are not emailing as much as in the beginning and since the last time I refused to meet him. I do admit I am starting to care for him, which makes no sense because we haven't even met and have little in common, and I know I can never have the relationship I might end up wanting with him. I do plan to meet him eventually, when I feel a little better and more stable in my life. I want to keep him in my life in some way and maybe have a friendship with him. He has made me realize that maybe I still can change it. I am still a little worried that there may be a real attraction if we meet and since it is a long time since I've had that, it will be hard to resist it, but not impossible. I want him to be happy, and I think working it out with his wife somehow, or maybe eventually finding someone more compatible with him if he can't would be the best for him.

 

My therapist advised me to cut contact with him since he can't give me what I need.

I think I will miss him too much to cut all contact and as long as I don't have sex with him I feel I will not get hurt emotionally/get too attached. If he ever did divorce and we started a relationship and we found we were compatible. and it led to something more, I don't know if I could handle competing with a 30 yr relationship, what has been what seems like a happy marriage with love and children, all of which are the main part of his life apart from his career. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts here, not sure if that is more important than any advice.

 

I have read this list from time to time since I first posted and have so many questions in my mind, it seems that the majority of people who are married/attached do end up cheating eventually. Or maybe it is just the people who post on this board. I know the general view is that infidelity is terrible, but so many people do have longterm relationships outside their marriages which fill some emotional/sexual needs. Bush senior had a mistress for 15 years, because Barbara lost her sex drive. Mitterand's mistress attended his funeral, the rich and famous do it and so do the less rich and famous. Why is it that people do this? Is it just impossible to remain totally emotionally/physically faithful to one person for your entire life once married?

[The_Analyzer]

You have 2 choices. Either cut all ties, or be his mistress and accept what consequences that it may bring. I'm sure all of that is easier said than done, but its one or the other. You said you wanted to keep him in your life, even if it was just as a friendship. If he has stated to you he wants to be with you physically, and if you feel the same, then its likely it will turn that way. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

I feel for what you are going through. I, myself have been almost there. I read someone's post on this site and it totally changed my way of thinking. Just read through various threads, feel their pain and the love, trust and faith forever gone, that may/may not come back. Either way it's always gonna be there inside the heart. That pain never completely goes away.

 

I am not judging you in any way. I understand this quite well for myself I have an online friend. We connected immediately. We both know where we are at, I do wear my heart on my sleeve too much sometimes, I can't help that...But whatever it was grew between us...We talked about it and decided to focus those feelings into our relationships. I have never met him, only talked to him twice on the phone. We are MILES apart so our paths will never cross.

 

He supports me and is my friend. We talked recently on what we should do, kill the friendship or draw some lines that we should never cross. I do appreciate him in my life, he's honest and open and we really talk. I'ts nice to talk to someone who is objective and clear, can give advice freely and really cares. At the same time those feelings are there, but we decided to buryt them because neither of us are going to give up our lives to be together. I couldn't do that, couldn't live with myself, neither coud he. So I guess you need to decide whether you can just be good friends who really care, or let him decide on what he's gonna do with his life before he and you meet and get together. Because if that chemistry is there, sounds like it is, neither of you will say no.

 

All the best.

 

WWIU

[littleflowerpot]

are you kidding? you think if you don't have sex with him that you'll be okay? oh honey, the emotional relationship is so much more painful in the long run.

[guest]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply,

 

I am going to think about what you have all said. Assuming we meet and feel the same things in person, I guess it may come down to a choice of be his mistress or not.

My choice is already not, because I won't put myself through that pain, as well as the guilt of hurting someone else, in fact the foreknowledge of all of this would kill any joy I could get out of it most likely.

 

I hope we can be friends, I can care for someone, even love them without it ever going to sex, but if there is a strong chemistry in person that would be difficult to ignore forever. I think I am kind of hoping there won't be. He said he would accept a friendship, but also that where this leads is up to me now, so I don't believe him. He travels quite a bit and has many friends and likes to keep friendships for a lifetime, so maybe it is possible to keep it that way.

 

LLFP, you are right it is the emotional side that creates the hurt, but for me sex won't occur without emotion and attraction, and I consider it to be one of the most intimate/emotional experiences, so If that line isn't crossed for me it will feel better. I would accept I can't have him that way and enjoy what I can have as a friend. WWIU we are very far apart too so likely no chance of meeting by accident.

 

I am going to take a break from emailing him for a week or so. I am having a very hard time with the therapy, the therapist said due to the anxiety it is creating in me that maybe it is too much psychologicaly for me to confront the feelings it's bringing up and that he is going to take a more laid back approach, or maybe I should stop. I was in tears last time from the stress. I don't want to stop though, I know I need to continue. The therapist is on vacation for two weeks so I have a break now. Has anyone ever had this experience in therapy? I went into this gung ho and now I feel I am at a brick wall.

[Cis]

Listen to LFP! It's not about sex...! It's about shared intimacy and romance. During romantic love our brain emits amazing chemicals that make us feel like nothing else can (except maybe heroin or other powerful euphoric drugs). I was so intoxicated that I was actually believing that it was the right thing for me to leave my sucessful and comfortable life, and run off with someone I had not seen in 30 years - because we fell "in love" over emails. And I'm not a kook - quite conservative and rational mostly.

 

You should know that the relationship became very complicated and overall not very healthy, and I'm so glad I wasn't as reactionary as I really really wanted to be! Stop Now! You need to be in relationship that is open and healthy and can give you what you deserve!

[guest]

Thanks Cis,

 

I'm glad you came to your senses. I'm not planning to leave my life ,don't worry,no that there is much to leave.. I am a very cautious person. I don't trust easily. Romantic love can be dangerous, you're right, endorphins are powerful. I'm not sure if that's what this is, I have told him I think it is an infatuation/dream on my part. I know people may think it is impossible to be friends, but I think maybe it could be possible. When you connect with people for whatever reasons, it's nice to be able to keep them in your life somehow in some way. Who knows I may find someone for myself and have him for a friend, and we can laugh eventually at what brought us together. I am not a person to sneak around which is why I told him to find someone else or get divorced.

[Cis]

Thanks but I haven't really come to my senses - I'm still madly in love with this person! And I tried to be "friends" with my beloved. I really wanted to because he was so important to me and I loved him so much. But all I had to do was scratch the surface and I realized that I still wanted more...and it was making me so sad....to know I could never really have it.

 

Per his request I'm leaving him alone - so it's been a week since we emailed - and I'm dying here. That is proof enough to me that he isn't just my friend. I have very very good friends that I don't talk to for weeks and months at a time and I don't suffer like this!

 

I wish it wasn't like this. And maybe just maybe with time I can really be a friend to him - but I don't think it is possible right now and that makes me so sad. I miss him so much!

 

Cis

[Guest]

Sorry,

 

I just assumed you had ended it. I'm sorry you miss him so much. How long did you email each other for? Did you ever meet in person? It's better to stop the feelings before they start I guess. Maybe after more time you will feel better. Try to think about all the unhealthy aspects of the relationship and the negative things about him, that should help a bit. I guess that's why you're telling me to stop this now. I guess you could be right, but I think there are enough reasons of my own why this would never work even in he was unattached etc. That's what helps to keep things in perspective for me.

[blue1234]

it is true the emotional attachement is so hard to get through.my mm and i have never had sex but i am so crazy about him. we have a connection without it. be careful. but follow your heart

[Guest]

Blue,

 

I'm curious to know how long you have been involved and why you don't have sex? Did both of you decide on this? I think I read one of your posts but can't remember if you mentioned that or not. My feeling is to try and have a friendship, honestly I'm not sure if we are compatible that way even since we've never met, but we have enough interests in common to spend time together occasionally.