teclo Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 What I need is constructive advice preferably from people who have been in this situation. I have fallen deeply in love with a man whom I have known for six years. There has always been an incredibly transcending connection between the two of us that is impossible to ignore. We found ourselves falling in love three years ago (actually I believe it has always been there, but were just too afraid to admit it). I "ran away" to another city and man to dodge this impending bullet as he was and still is married. Several months ago we met to see each other after not speaking for over three years. It was as if there had not been a moment between us. I realized that I am still in love with him and this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I truly believe that he wants to be with me. He assures me that there is no love in his marriage and that his wife abandoned him emotionally years ago. He has stayed with her despite the "loveless marriage" for the sake of his children. He has promised that when he believes that his children, youngest just started high school, are emotionally capable of dealing with him leaving his wife, that we will be together. I know I should not stay and have tried to end this several times. I have never known any frustration remotely close to what I have for this "relationship". On one hand I have found the person that I could give the rest of my life unconditionally to. On the other when I am finally able to be with him will he, our children, or I be able to survive the social persecution involved. I feel lost with out him and hopeless with him... Please advise me what, based on previous experience please, I am suppose to do. I don't really care to hear opinions please. I know what self righteous "sinless" people think they know...believe me with out living it you don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 You're not going to get very many replies without it. What I suggest that you do, for your OWN consience and to prove that he is worthy of your affection- Is to tell him that while he is married to his wife you cannot see him. That when the divorce is final and he's out of the house he may contact you. You won't wait for him, but if you're single you'll give the relationship a chance. Staying for his children is a bullsh*t excuse. You, IMHO, are being "played" due to the fact he is very well aware how you feel about him. Body language speaks volumes. If living in the house with his wife was that awful, he would have left already. People DO get divorced all the time without someone else to run to. While perhaps far from ideal, I'm sure your relationship is making it even more tolerable to stay. If you love him, and want him, force him to be honest with himself, you and his family. Tell him he has to leave his wife. All he can do is say "no". It may tear your fantasy apart, so please be prepared. Anything will be better than agonizing over something you can't (or maybe youcan) have..... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Teclo, I know you didn't want us sinless people to respond, but I just wanted you to know that you shouldn't throw stones at your glass house. I know what self righteous "sinless" people think they know...believe me with out living it you don't know You didn't want critisim, then you shouldn't of invited it. As for we don't know without living it, to an extent you're right, but that doesn't mean we haven't felt the same exact feelings you are experiencing right now and doesn't mean we can't help you out either.......P.S., NOONE IS SINLESS!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ICantStopLovinHim Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 I have to say I agree with Mr. Spock using the kids is the biggest COP out a MM can use on anyone. And most of the time I believe the O/W thinks he is being sincere. Be strong and if you truly believe he is the one person you can unconditionally spend your life with than wait untill he isnt married. Him leaving his wife is right now the best way for him to show you he cares about you. Its too late to tell you not to get caught up in this the best advice is just be carefull.... Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Just how old does he thing his children should be before they can be told? 20? 30? 40? Sounds like BS to me. Maybe he is kidding himself too and doesn't even realize he's using his children as an excuse. Just as we are only getting your side of the story, you are only getting HIS side of the story as far as his marriage and children are concerned. If you want to be an OW, be one and accept what comes along with it. If you don't, then set some boundaries - such as a specific date for him to tell his wife, file for divorce and get his kids into counseling if he still believes that they can't emotionally handle it. If he doesn't comply by that date, the dump him. Tell him to call you when he's free. It sounds like you know this already and are reaching out here to find someone to give you the OK to be the OW. Only you can give yourself the go-ahead for that. Read some of the other OW/OM posts for more insight and advice and suggestions. I don't have to take cocaine to know it's not good for me and its illegal. If that makes me self-righteous in your eyes, so be it. There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Its great that you two have found each other and love each other. It's not great that you are entering into a deceptive and hurtful relationship. THAT will hurt his kids more than an honest divorce will. Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 i agree with hokey and i have been the other woman. what kind of advice are you looking for? how to leave him? or how to stay with him and feel okay with it? you say you don't want our opinions but it's difficult to give advice without having an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author teclo Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 Thanks for the response...I read some other threads that were pretty brutal before posting. I guess I didn't want the criticism because I get it from myself every day. I want to know how to love someone with all your heart and let them go...especially if they won't let you Link to post Share on other sites
littleflowerpot Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Originally posted by teclo Thanks for the response...I read some other threads that were pretty brutal before posting. I guess I didn't want the criticism because I get it from myself every day. I want to know how to love someone with all your heart and let them go...especially if they won't let you i guess you have to ask yourself how long you want to wait around and how much pain are you willing to accept? how much pain are you willing to help him inflict on her and the kids? then you have to answer those questions to yourself as honestly as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Originally posted by teclo Thanks for the response...I read some other threads that were pretty brutal before posting. I guess I didn't want the criticism because I get it from myself every day. I want to know how to love someone with all your heart and let them go...especially if they won't let you Here is how "If you don't leave your wife, I'm going to tell her about us. If you don't want to leave her, and you won't stop calling me, I'm going to tell her" Tell or not, he'll be heading for the hills.... Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 The pain, the pain. You're now addicted to that which you want the most but cannot have. First off, the numbers are not on your side. I believe less than 10% of married men eventually leave their wives for their OW. That's about one out of ten. Not good. Second, because he has you, in every way, he now lacks any incentive to leave his "loveless" marriage. Your love supplies the juice that keeps his corpse of a marriage twitching. You're your own worse enemy. Last, by the time a child enters high school he or she should be emotionally capable of understanding that dad wants a divorce from poor mom. Teenagers are not fragile china. I suspect that your MM is the one who's not emotionally capable (or ready) to rip his family asunder to be with you for so long that he can have you as his side dish. What's an OW to do? If you're a masochist keep doing what you're doing. If you have a shred of self-respect, tell him to put up or shut up. Talk and sex are cheap--it's time to see what your MM is really made of. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 My dad left when I was 13. I was perfectly fine with it - it was a relief after all the fighting. My ex's stepdaughter was 11 and had long since banished ideas of mom and dad getting togethr. Once kids are around 11 or 12, this is not the huge trauma it is for little kids, IMHO. In short, he's feeding you a nice big helping of Deep-Dish Bullsheet. And if you swallow it, you'll end up as sick and miserable as so many of the OW on these threads have ended up. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts