If sleeping around and being promiscuous is not not wrong then why lie about it ?

[DarrenK]

I have read tons of threads with people from all walks of life and it seems obvious the people that say past is past or any of that have promiscuous pasts themselves and don't want to have to live with there poor choices .now I'm not saying they don't deserve love but I am saying most good respectful guys do not want to marry a women with a history of casual sex or high numbers .i also knew that most phychologists don't view them well ether so here's my point I truly believe as a culture are messed up because unfortunately you can't have both words !unless you merry guy/girl with the same lose morals .im a firm believer that whatever lifestyle you choose be HONEST about it don't live like a party girl bed hoping and then lie or trick mislead a guy to settle with you !!you don't deserve a guy like that !!sounds judgmental but it's true it's one thing if your honest and he chooses to date you but it's another to lie and pretend your like the good girls

[Sauron]

I am not sure how old you are, but you need to mature a little bit. You apparently have a traditional male gender bias to women that have many partners, we all do as this is what we have been conditioned for. What difference does it make, you either accept him or her for who they are or go find yourself a virgin wife and dont be an a$$ about it.

[Later82012]

I am not sure how old you are, but you need to mature a little bit. You apparently have a traditional male gender bias to women that have many partners, we all do as this is what we have been conditioned for. What difference does it make, you either accept him or her for who they are or go find yourself a virgin wife and dont be an a$$ about it.

Did you read and understand what OP posted?

[jwi71]

I have read tons of threads with people from all walks of life and it seems obvious the people that say past is past or any of that have promiscuous pasts themselves and don't want to have to live with there poor choices .now I'm not saying they don't deserve love but I am saying most good respectful guys do not want to marry a women with a history of casual sex or high numbers .i also knew that most phychologists don't view them well ether so here's my point I truly believe as a culture are messed up because unfortunately you can't have both words !unless you merry guy/girl with the same lose morals .im a firm believer that whatever lifestyle you choose be HONEST about it don't live like a party girl bed hoping and then lie or trick mislead a guy to settle with you !!you don't deserve a guy like that !!sounds judgmental but it's true it's one thing if your honest and he chooses to date you but it's another to lie and pretend your like the good girls

 

Do you have links to those psychologists...I would love to peruse their research and opinions.

[ja123]

The Social Pathologist: Sexual Partner Divorce Risk

 

Hope that helps your curiosity!

 

 

I take issue with this article because it only addresses women and not men, too.

 

Also, I wonder how many women who only had their husband as their sole partner in life are suffering in silence, i.e., living in conjugal violence (whether physical or psychological)?

 

I'm not saying that there isn't some truth here, but I find the article to be over-simplified and biased.

 

As for the OP, he is free to choose the type of partner he wishes.

[DarrenK]

Do you have links to those psychologists...I would love to peruse their research and opinions.

 

Yes I will try to post lol and if your gunna call me out then at least read the link ok and the comments on the site

[DarrenK]

The Essential Truth About Female Promiscuity

 

 

 

This basically sums it up . Im saying if someone is not honest about there past then the other person has no real choice ?thats wrong !! And if someone doe nont want judgement of their past then date or mary someone with a similar past problem solved and I NEVER SAID I WANTED A VIRGIN lol I said a classy women sorry in my and millions of men's opinions if a women sleeps with tons of guys that's just attractive or healthy both mentality or physically

[DarrenK]

Promiscuity And Marriage Don't Mix

[jwi71]

The Social Pathologist: Sexual Partner Divorce Risk

 

Hope that helps your curiosity!

 

It was interesting reading.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the conclusions though - and I'll readily admit that Zim not firing SPSS to analyze his data - or even excel. I don't care that much.

 

I do like the assertation that women who have many sexual partners seem to make poor choices in their selection of mates. Although this would not include sex workers who of course trade sexual favors for money.

 

I'll read it in more detail later.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Ducksoup - you are often harsh, but once again are right on the money.

 

Men and women misrepresent about different things.

 

Women definitely hide and minimise this one. Sigh - I suppose it's the counterpart of men pretending to be richer than they are / not in a relationship. That lies go both ways, doesn't stop them being lies, even if of omission.

[2sure]

Certainly it is important to partner with people that have the same values as ourselves. And also important to be with someone who will not lie to you about their values. Sex, finances, children, religion....all of those things should come into choosing a partner.

 

If its important to you to choose partners with little sexual experience, then you should also have little sexual experience...and that's reasonable. You need to be clear and tell a potential partner that it's important to you to know.

[Nyla]

People are free to look for what they want in a relationship.

 

If that means a person with lots of sexual experience or very little partners, so be it.

[Sauron]

I would welcome the experienced woman into my bed anyday rather than someone that doesnt know what she is doing. Sex is an activity with little meaning other than to reproduce and provide pleasure and human connection. If it happened before you what difference does it make. You will never know unless your partner wants you to know. I would say it is better left unsaid and focus on the here and now that you can affect rather than the past you can do nothing about. I would imagine a a lot of relationship problems/break ups, etc stem from this issue, which really boils down to male insecurity.

[Clockwork]

Neither I or my wife were virgins when we met (I was 26 she was 22). She lost her virginity at 20, I lost it at 20. We both had a little bit of history of choosing the wrong person. Girls can be naive and young girls especially can get taken advantage of especially ones who are just recently old enough to go bar hopping. Same with guys, we can get hoodwinked by a girl who is no good for us and everyone can see it - but us. When the dust was settled I was afraid that someday I would have to tell my wife some of my poor choices in the past whenever I would meet this woman. I was worried about it. On the flip side, my wife was worried about telling her future husband some of her poor choices as well. When we met we were honest with each other about things and the key to knowing everything about your partner is getting to know their past, good or bad.

 

Honestly, it wasn't a big deal. We had lives before we met each other and made some mistakes. In a perfect world we would be each other's "first" but we weren't. You deal with it and the more important thing is whether or not you remain faithful to each other AFTER you first meet, and we have.

 

Because of our strong relationship now we don't have any psychological issues about the past - nor did we really. It was what made us the people we are today. We know we can trust each other because we've always been honest about our past.

[DarrenK]

Certainly it is important to partner with people that have the same values as ourselves. And also important to be with someone who will not lie to you about their values. Sex, finances, children, religion....all of those things should come into choosing a partner.

 

If its important to you to choose partners with little sexual experience, then you should also have little sexual experience...and that's reasonable. You need to be clear and tell a potential partner that it's important to you to know.

 

Well thanks for responding in a respective fasion .and I agree I believe we should get the right to choose I did not get that choice read and comment on my only other post and it will fill you in. I've been a very respectful guy my whole life and was lied to in the worse painful way now I'm so confused in life because I love my wife but am so angry and hurt by her lies and misleading me .

[DarrenK]

Neither I or my wife were virgins when we met (I was 26 she was 22). She lost her virginity at 20, I lost it at 20. We both had a little bit of history of choosing the wrong person. Girls can be naive and young girls especially can get taken advantage of especially ones who are just recently old enough to go bar hopping. Same with guys, we can get hoodwinked by a girl who is no good for us and everyone can see it - but us. When the dust was settled I was afraid that someday I would have to tell my wife some of my poor choices in the past whenever I would meet this woman. I was worried about it. On the flip side, my wife was worried about telling her future husband some of her poor choices as well. When we met we were honest with each other about things and the key to knowing everything about your partner is getting to know their past, good or bad.

 

Honestly, it wasn't a big deal. We had lives before we met each other and made some mistakes. In a perfect world we would be each other's "first" but we weren't. You deal with it and the more important thing is whether or not you remain faithful to each other AFTER you first meet, and we have.

 

Because of our strong relationship now we don't have any psychological issues about the past - nor did we really. It was what made us the people we are today. We know we can trust each other because we've always been honest about our past.

 

That's not the issue here lol and your story sounds great and i agree sounds like you guys have similar pasts and made a few mistakes and grew up I respect that but my issue is NOT about insecurity lol I'm not trying to sound cocky but I used to model and am a very hansom man that's great in bed so its not insecureity .the issue for me is I was with women I loved or at least cared about I always looked for a relationship not just hookups so for me and my values I always was open about myself and my view ...I found out afteryears of marriage my wife was EXTREMELY promiscuous put it kindly and not just like you said a little past try 25+men 3ways orgies ,lesbian stuff ,sleeping with gang members ,guys out of prison ,she got clymitia 2 times and had two kids by a gang member !!she screwed guys that were drug dealers with her kids in the house and even dad in town?18 one nightstands !!lieing to get pregnant !!sleeping with a guy just to take his virginity !giving head to men that were 15 years older ,and you know what she told me ......she didn't don't casual sex that's trashy lol and told me 10 guys which is in my opinion at my personal limit .so my issue is tricking a person lieing to get what you want when she admits in counseling she lied bexause she knew id never commit to that kind of a past

[Nyla]

Men who disrespect women have no idea what kind of damage they are doing.

 

I used to be a naive kid before I was 25. I met some older men who misled and treated me badly; it led to some serious emotional damage.

 

I am very jaded and bitter about men. Of course, seeing all the men in my family cheat certainly didn't help.

[Turtles]

As long as they are honest about it and sincere about their future outlook then it's something that can be dealt with... Everyone over 30 will have baggage of some kind, or they will have had a very boring life indeed! Personally I would rather have someone who has already had her "wild days" (within reasons) than a naive virgin who will want to start exploring 10 years into the marriage. I said within reasons and that's probably a limit for each to decide on his / her own... i.e. I would not want to date a former prostitute or someone with an STD.

[Clockwork]

That's not the issue here lol and your story sounds great and i agree sounds like you guys have similar pasts and made a few mistakes and grew up I respect that but my issue is NOT about insecurity lol I'm not trying to sound cocky but I used to model and am a very hansom man that's great in bed so its not insecureity .the issue for me is I was with women I loved or at least cared about I always looked for a relationship not just hookups so for me and my values I always was open about myself and my view ...I found out afteryears of marriage my wife was EXTREMELY promiscuous put it kindly and not just like you said a little past try 25+men 3ways orgies ,lesbian stuff ,sleeping with gang members ,guys out of prison ,she got clymitia 2 times and had two kids by a gang member !!she screwed guys that were drug dealers with her kids in the house and even dad in town?18 one nightstands !!lieing to get pregnant !!sleeping with a guy just to take his virginity !giving head to men that were 15 years older ,and you know what she told me ......she didn't don't casual sex that's trashy lol and told me 10 guys which is in my opinion at my personal limit .so my issue is tricking a person lieing to get what you want when she admits in counseling she lied bexause she knew id never commit to that kind of a past

 

Well I would think that you would have known anyway that she had two kids and that the father was a gang member. Sounds like she may have had "daddy issues" when she was younger. A lot of girls do that and they try and compensate from having a deadbeat/absent father. She has quite the past life but as long as she has put that part of her life behind her for good then I think you can move on with her. This is why I don't like the idea of any contact of staying "friends" with an ex. The past is the past and it only complicates the future. However, if she is committed to you know maybe all along this was the stable man she was looking for.

[Nyla]

I don't see where this fits in this thread at all... I haven't seen anyone disrespecting women here at all... if you have please point it out...

 

Why do you feel that I owe you an explanation?

 

I was responding to DarrenK's post about men who disrespect women.

[DarrenK]

Well I would think that you would have known anyway that she had two kids and that the father was a gang member. Sounds like she may have had "daddy issues" when she was younger. A lot of girls do that and they try and compensate from having a deadbeat/absent father. She has quite the past life but as long as she has put that part of her life behind her for good then I think you can move on with her. This is why I don't like the idea of any contact of staying "friends" with an ex. The past is the past and it only complicates the future. However, if she is committed to you know maybe all along this was the stable man she was looking for.

I understand your point but as in my case I don't care if it was ten years back she has a sexual past that makes me sick inside and I don't respect it and I'm upset because I've invested so much into someone I spent years trying to avoid. For me sex is special.anyways I'm done dealing with this so I'm making so big changes

[DarrenK]

As long as they are honest about it and sincere about their future outlook then it's something that can be dealt with... Everyone over 30 will have baggage of some kind, or they will have had a very boring life indeed! Personally I would rather have someone who has already had her "wild days" (within reasons) than a naive virgin who will want to start exploring 10 years into the marriage. I said within reasons and that's probably a limit for each to decide on his / her own... i.e. I would not want to date a former prostitute or someone with an STD.

 

Well I never said I wanted to marry a virgin lol I said a classy women I agree I'm 30 and I know some sexual experience is normal but my wifes is just plain out of control and not just the average girl living life .and having sex in relationships is not boring its for fun then than any sexual short term thrill .ill repeat if you wanna screw tons of people fine but don't lie to trick a man into a relationship based on lies!it is are business who WE choose

[Turtles]

Well I never said I wanted to marry a virgin lol I said a classy women I agree I'm 30 and I know some sexual experience is normal but my wifes is just plain out of control and not just the average girl living life .and having sex in relationships is not boring its for fun then than any sexual short term thrill .ill repeat if you wanna screw tons of people fine but don't lie to trick a man into a relationship based on lies!it is are business who WE choose

 

A little bit of embellishment of the past when you first get into a relationship is probably acceptable... if she passed herself as a classy lady then it turns out she was the village tramp, well that's a bit of a stretch, but I'm firm believer of not judging people solely by their past... That's why I said, as long as they are honest about it... if she only told me that 1 year into the marriage I would be more than a bit pissed and wondering what else she is hiding.

 

If she is out of control and wanting a lot more NOW then that's a different problem altogether.

[Nyla]

Meandmyself, you asked me to point out the post that I was referring to, therefore asking me to explain myself.

 

If you are so concerned with how my post about disrespecting women fits into the thread, you are welcome to read the thread or search for the words I posted to DarrenK.

 

I am not interested in arguing as it will just take the thread further off topic. Thanks.

Edited January 9, 2013 by Nyla

[carhill]

OP, if you were today ignorant of the details of your wife's sexual history, would you desire to be married to her in the here and now? Would you feel that union to be productive and healthy for you and she?

 

When you spoke of her relating in counseling that she had lied, was that MC or IC and, if MC, does it continue where you can she can work these issues together?

 

More generally, people often lie about aspects of their lives which, if transparent, they feel could impact their lives negatively. It's self-interest. In some cases, both the lie and the act are 'wrong', but not necessarily so in every case. If you and she can work through her lie to a state where you both feel valued and loved and accepting of it, perhaps you can move forward. If not, divorce and move on. The 'lie' may have been a 'cause', but you each have choices about were to proceed from that moment on. In those choices I wish you well.