girlfromtheislands Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 My boyfriend (now Fiance) and I have been together for almost 4 years. He's been there for me through everything, never judged me, does anything to make me happy, always have my back, and loved me for me. I'm half Japanese, half pacific islander. He's half black, half pacific islander. My boyfriend and I are from the same island, but we never talked till 2009 when we were both in California. We ended up dating and when my mom found out that I was with him she was pissed. She threaten to disown me if I continued to see him. She hated the fact that he's black.She always wanted me to be with a Japanese guy. She's ashamed with the fact that I'm with him and it hurts me so bad to hear all these negative things. I love my mom to death and I just wish she would just get to know him before judging him by his skin color. I wish she would understand. He comes from a really great family - they're all so caring, understanding, and so nice to me. No matter what I tell my mom I know that she already has her mind set about him. She told me I have a choice. One- come back home and never see him again or two- if I don't, she says never to call her again because she no longer has a daughter (I'm her only daughter), she's going to tell my younger brother (who's planning to go to school in Cali next month) not to go because I'm there, and the one thing that really hurts me the most is that she told me not to talk to her or see her even when she passes away. I really believe she will never accept us together. She's been pushing me to live in Japan. I told her I would love to go but just for a visit and spend time with her (haven't seen in 3 years), but no she's embarrassed to have me around especially around her family and friends. I can't believe she's doing this. I am 22 years old (soon to be 23) and I can make my own decisions, but it just really hurts me. I know I just have to move on and live my own life and do what makes me happy. She's the only parent I have (dad passed away when I was really young), I really want her to be happy and proud of me, but nothing I say will change her mind. I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions about this, I just wanted to get this off my chest... Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 I think it's pretty clear what you need to do. Go with your love for your fiance and hope that your mother comes around eventually as she sees you happy and your SO supportive and loving. It doesn't surprise me that your mother has such feelings. Asians (native and culturally speaking) come from a homogeneous society and tend to be xenophobic (and racist) in general. Tell your mom that you are sorry that she feels that way, but you love him. Move on and hope she comes around. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Share Posted January 6, 2013 The thing that pisses me the most about what you posted is the emotional blackmail she does about your brother. So if you are independent, i would inform your brother about it [with saved conversations/texts and the such] and keep those same things and threats for relatives just in case. It might sound cold-hearted because she is your mother after all, but quite frankly ... she declared war on you. Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 It could be that your mum is an out-and-out xenophobe/racist which if your father was a Pacific islander might make her something of a hypocrite. On the other hand, there might have been something in your mother and father's past together that you do not know about that has alienated her that way. She could also be a racist with a purpose. There she is living in Japan growing into a wizened little old vulnerable lady and where is her daughter who she expected to look out for her in her dotage? California. Hence maybe why she is so keen for you to live in Japan and marry a Japanese man. Either way, what she is doing is wrong and trying to use your brother as leverage against you is double-wrong. She also maybe expects him to stick around for her in her dotage. The simple fact is that your life and your brother's life is the future and your mother's life is the past and if she is going to force you to make hard, irreconcilable choices it should be only her loss, not yours, not your brother's. It does sound that there will be no compromise. Maybe it is crunch time and you need to call her out on the possible or probable mind games she is playing. Just tell her she is being selfish and self-centred. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted January 8, 2013 Share Posted January 8, 2013 Hi. Sorry she's so rigid. If you think he will provide for you and be loyal and w/e then mamasan gotta go. Link to post Share on other sites
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