Ybur Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Basically, I fell pregnant with his baby. He started seeing someone else and the person became pregnant with his baby as well. Later I've learnt that she had an abortion. They broke up and he is still in my life . Though, I detest him for making my pregnancy experience a nightmare. For not being there for me. For cheating on me. For rejecting me at a time when I needed him the most. I needed him so much. My first baby, this is a moment that I have lived for for so long and had no idea that it would turn out like this. i felt like I have been stripped down naked and thrown out of my own house, i felt deprived of this beautiful maternal experience. This guy is still around, he is a good father. Our baby is eight months old. He thinks that I forgave him but I cannot. I love him and hate him at the same time. I want to find a way to move on. I cannot be with him, he has dishonored me. The fact that he knows that I know about what happened makes it so much worse cause I am still with him and what self-respecting person would be with someone who has violated them in such a terrible way. I think about the baby. If I leave him, I would not want to be near him and that would mean that he would not be near my baby either. I love him(how sick) and hate him at the same time. How do I close the book on all of this and find a way of standing alone as a single parent and being without this person? How do I forget the terrible pain. How do I get over this. The thought of being without him is terrible, though I will never be able to respect or trust him ever again and what use is a relationship without that? Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Ouch. Ybur, He did a terrible thing to you. I am sorry for your pain. Sounds like you have made up your mind, so all that is left is to do the deed. Do it like ripping off a bandaid, one quick clean tear. You will forever be in contact with him however, as he has certain rights to your shared child. So it can never be a clean removal. On the other hand, you chose to make a child with him. That child deserves a father, and you have said he is a good father. Perhaps he is trying to make things up with you by showing what a responsible and dependable person he is now... it is called proof by actions. You love him, you hate him. Decide which is more dominant and follow that wherever it may lead. The other emotion will fade over time if you let it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ybur Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 I just wish that it couldve been a clean break without all of these complications. Do you know what is really hard and frequently plagues me, its the fact that my baby is a replica of him. The shape of the mouth, the eyes, the face, its just like a miniature version of him. It feels like I am seeing this person all the time everyday each time I look into my babies' face. I love my baby more than I love myself but its a continuous constant reminder. Everything that she does, every new accomplishment, I need him to see. I wish things couldve been different. If I should seperate this action from his overall character, he is a great person and that is who I fell inlove with. I then think of how I called him at night during my pregnancy and he'd just switch his phone off, no reply for days on end. I'd feel my baby moving inside of me and wish that he could feel my tummy but at night while she was moving inside of my body, he was moving inside someone elses. Time spent in antenatal classes, I was alone and the other women had their partners with them. Self-pity? I cannot get over the fact that this had happened. I wish it hadnt happened. He seems sorry but I would never want to have his baby again because what if he does this again. I do not see a way forward. I wish that this hadnt happened but... I wish there was an easier way. It just seems to hurt all of the time. I want this pain to go away. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 18, 2004 Share Posted August 18, 2004 Just one thought for you... You are not "sick" for still being with him. It may be wise or unwise, healthful or perhaps less than healthful, but you should not beat YOURSELF up for his shortcomings. Naturally, you feel a strong bond to him and that is what has kept you there. Are you positive that you can NEVER trust him again? Is he willing to work HARD to regain your trust? Has he aplogized and answered every reasonable question you have? Does he understand the pain he has caused? then think of how I called him at night during my pregnancy and he'd just switch his phone off, no reply for days on end. I'd feel my baby moving inside of me and wish that he could feel my tummy but at night while she was moving inside of my body, he was moving inside someone elses. Wow...when you put it like that, it does sound as if he deserves to be kicked into the gutter and left there. On the other hand, it may help you to know that pregnancy is often a high risk time for men to cheat. If I should seperate this action from his overall character, he is a great person How can I say this...what is he, or indeed any of us, other than the sum of our actions and experiences? He made two women pregnant at nearly the same time, no doubt causing them both to suffer. He obviously has unprotected sex with people and disregards the consequences. And he can turn his back on the woman/women carrying his child(ren). Again, wow. Ask yourself how low YOU would have to go to turn your back on your child. My sympathies to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ybur Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 How did a person like myself end up in such a mess and with such a b.s guy. At times I wish that I had the same child with somebody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ybur Posted August 18, 2004 Author Share Posted August 18, 2004 Its like, I fear not having someone. I fear that I have reached the end and that there is just no one in the world for me. I fear that if I do meet someone again they are going to be unfaithful again. And then the fact that I do have a child, the future relationship will not be the same if I had been without a child. I am tired of the work that it takes being inside of a relationship since the cost seems to be so much greater than the gain. It should not be this hard. There has to be something amiss with me since why would someone want to treat the next person in such an unwarranted way. I have supported him throughout. I have never in my life been unfaithful to any person. I make the conscious effort not to treat someone in a way which I personally would not want to be treated. Makes no difference if this be friend or partner or someone that I just do not know. I stick to my word and this has never been hard for me. I do not look at men in the same way anymore. I regard them as opposite in every way, like they are in together in a wicked pact to violate women just for the fun. I look at someone and see 1000 things which is or arent there without them having said anything. The trust itself in general, towards anyone of the opposite sex is lost and I feel totally depleted. As if life cannot show me something new although I sometimes crave for that affection and warmth. Yet it seems destined like it is just not meant for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 You feel angry, betrayed, and sickened. These are all perfectly normal ways to react to infidelity. As long as they don't interfere with your parenting, you should let yourself feel them. Many couples do stay together after affairs. But it's not because the betrayed spouse puts on a big happy face and pretends nothing happened. It's because their commitment was greater than that one tremendously hurtful act. So go ahead and tell him how you feel. If you're still with him romantically, but don't want to be, tell him that, too. You deserve support in your grief and anger. If he isn't the guy to give you this, find a counselor. I'm glad he's being a good father. Maybe he'll grow up and become a good partner, too. But maybe that won't be with you. His loss. You'll find someone who cherishes faithfulness as much as you do. (And, judging from the experiences of my friends, it's not so incredibly hard to find men to date when you have a young child. When you've healed from this betrayal, you can start to think about what you really want in a partnership, and how to get it.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ybur Posted August 19, 2004 Author Share Posted August 19, 2004 thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Feebie Camillo Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 I've read everything you posted and I just wanted to cry. my husband cheated while i was pregnant w/our son. i want to forgive him because I love him, aside from this he too is a wonderful person and great father to both of our children. i can't forgive him no matter how much I try sometimes we'll be talking and laughing and all the sudden inside myself I hate him, he doesn't know it he thinks I'm past it now but I hate him for doing this. i want to fall in love with him all over again but it's just so hard...not one day passes that I don't think about it and it makes me absolutely SICKK to my stomach I am so good to him, always have been and he ruined it. i hope that you can figure yourself out and your relationship just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone, i feel your pain. Feebie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ybur Posted August 25, 2004 Author Share Posted August 25, 2004 its really good to know that there are people out there who has or are currently going through the same thing. Do you know what bugs me the most, its the fact that there are children involved, the fact that we love these men so much, the fact that they take advantage of that love, the fact that we are honest people and that that sincerity is being taken for granted. Whether we stay in or move on with the relationship, both of it takes so much courage to do. The fact that there are children involved makes it so much harder since leaving the relationship/marriage means depriving your child of a full time dad who is good at being dad. Wouldve been different if these human beings were irresponsible parents... Hectic situation. Link to post Share on other sites
definately Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 Ybur, leave him. I stayed with mine and I still haven't been to forgive. He thinks I have, but it still haunts me. It was a very similar situation. He accidentally (truly) got another girl pregnant whilst courting me, one he had actually been seeing regularly but never told me whilst he was my 'special friend'. Literally a few days after getting her pregnant (he didn't know this at the time) we got together. She had a spontaneous abortion. I stayed with him and am now having his baby, I found out a few months ago, and I can't forgive, even though he wasn't strictly technically with me when it happened (but he was courting me and begging me to go out with him as more than friends). I still feel betrayed. I can't even imagine how you feel. But the hurt doesn't go away, does it, and I really doubt it ever will. I wish I was strong enough to tell him I never forgave him, but I just choose a quiet life and pretend, and I know that sooner or later my bubble will burst and I won't be able to stand it any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
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