thoughts welcomed- he vanished

[fooled2manyX]

I'll do my best to make my story the Readers Digest version. (difficult). Sadly, I was the OW. I will start by saying that I myself have been cheated on in the past. This is not something I ever saw myself doing. Had I just met him & knew he was married, it wouldn't have taken place. He was my high school sweetheart.

 

We met 20 yrs ago. Even then, he was an "old soul". Not your typical teenage boy. We wrote letters/notes to eachother back then. I saved every one. He told me he could see us being friends forever. We stayed in contact after I moved away from town. I visited him when he went to college. At that time, there was no sexual relationship. Life took us in the directions it did. We had last emailed eachother & he told me that after he flunked himself out of school, he put himself into a rehab for 4 months. There was little contact after that, as we were young & lost touch. Many years later, 2007 to be exact, I couldn't find an email, phone number or anything via internet on him. I wondered if he was alive, well...I assumed he may be married, kids. So, I wrote a letter & sent it to the only place I knew it would reach him. His parents home. I wrote in the letter I hoped it found him well and I didn't want to interfere in his life in any way. I put my phone number. Email address. I heard nothing back................. until four months later my doorbell rang.

 

I was floored, needless to say. My heart sunk when I finally saw the ring, but I was just so happy to see him. We went out to the patio to catch up. We had a decade of catching up to do. It was wonderful. Upon leaving, he asked if he could visit again. I said yes, even though I knew it wasn't proper. He kissed my forehead upon leaving and we hugged tight. it was one of the happiest nights of my life. He came back to visit a number of times and there was no hanky panky. We talked (I talked mostly, as he is quiet) and did a lot of staring at eachother. The tension grew over visits. Still, there was no sex of any kind, but the next to last visit, we were in eachother's arms and kissed. Now I was dancing on the mine field. I finally asked him not to come back. It wasnt right. We both actually teared up. He said "I don't want to keep saying goodbye." I told him I didn't either, but it was the right thing to do. His kids, were then both practically babies. I knew he wasn't going anywhere. It was terribly tough, but he left and as per my request, he didn't return. I cried for months.

 

That was, he didn't return until a year later. In between we had emailed a couple of times. He always remembered my birthday. Always text Merry Christmas, Happy new Year... When he reappeared that following year, I was happy to see him. But that time around, we slept together. It was wonderful, but of course a bad thing to happen. Now it would be even harder to part. But again, I ended it. But in what was then 16 years, we had slept together all of twice.

 

This was & always has been a very emotional relationship. We were drawn to eachother from our first meeting as kids. After he left that time, I tried to talk myself out of what I couldn't have. But of course, it didnt go away. The following year (with him texting and emailing from time to time in between) my father died. In the fog I was in, I text him to tell him. Right away he said he was sorry & asked me where I was. He asked if I wanted him to come there. I was a mess. I had just went through a break-up with someone else right before it & then when my dad got sick, I lost a lot of weight from the stress. I didn't want him to see me that way, or complicate my (or his) situation. He later told me he even drove to my father's neighborhood looking around for me, hoping to see me. (I just never told him my father's address. I stayed at my dad's for awhile to clean the place out). He text, called and emailed during that time.

 

Then........... (bear with me) this past August, I grabbed the phone and text him "I miss you". He text back 5 minutes later telling me that those three little words made his day. Soon, we agreed to meet in a public place. (here I was thinking no harm). As soon as we were face to face, it was evident. This isn't going away. it's right there in front of you and you're two people drawn to eachother. Not in a sexual, passionate way. In a way that says "I know you. You're all things good to me & I've missed your face." .......... We caught up before my train came. We talked about when my father died. I mentioned it was January. When he said "yeah January__" (the day) I was floored. I said "How do you remember the day?" He said "it was a bad day for me too. you were hurting." Then he squeezed my hand and said "I wish I could have been with you."

 

From that night on, an affair began. This time around he began to talk about what needs to be done for us to be together. He mentioned that divorcing was hardest for him because it would mean leaving his two children in any capacity. But, he said he was doing it. He made copies of all of the papers in the house. He hadn't mentioned it to her yet, nor did I think he should before the holidays. He said things I suppose we all hear now. He wrote "I hope you know in your heart we won't always have to say goodbye and wait." I did know. On my birthday, I found flowers on my steps and he had been sleeping in his car, waiting 3 hours for me to come home. (I was out and he came from work) He talked about marrying me one day & even making a child of our own. We would talk about the hurt we were causing and right about the time we were going to part for awhile... a long while, so he could do what he needed to do................ she found out. His phone.

 

She text me only once. I didnt text back at the time. I felt awful, of course and knew what I had done. After the hurricane, he was working around the clock. He thought he lost the phone. i was the one who told him he didnt lose it... she had it. Apparently, he didn't know because she kept zipped about it. Seems from the text she sent me, she was waiting for him to say it. (now me, I wouldnt have that kind of restraint.) He was beside himself when I told him, but later.... when I asked him if he talked to her about it, he said the two times he asked her, she said she didn't have it. Hmmm. He had yet to buy another phone because he was working 12-16 hr days. I saw him a couple of times after my birthday. He knew she knew and still told me he wanted all he had talked about. I gave him many outs if he wasn't sure, or wanted one. I asked him "Do you want to work on your marriage?" He said "No" he didn't. I asked him when he thought they would have it out about me and the phone. He said "I guess when I have the time to argue.

 

The last time I saw him, he hugged me tight and told me he didn't want to leave. We always said this. I said "I hope it's not another 5 days" (because it had been that many days between the last visits due to work) He said "I hope not." he told me he loved me and left.

 

I haven't seen or heard from him in 6 weeks. The obvious is they finally had it out. The obvious is.. she told him not to have any contact with me. I didn't know it at first. Not the first two weeks. Then Christmas was coming and I figured let it alone. It's the holidays. They have kids and a lot to go though. But soon, I knew. But............. the man I know would never listen to the voicemail I have since left, crying in pain and not listen to it. No matter WHO told him not to see me. Then by New Years, I was crushed when I looked at her FB (he doesnt have) and saw the pic she put up was one of the two of them smiling. Looks new, but I don't know.

 

Ok, so the pressure & reality set in for him it seems. But what is with this coward act of not saying anything? Not an email, a Dear Jane letter, not a letter, a card... something even sent from work, so she doesn't know. The phone is still on. The number has not been changed. She never answered for him, or text me not to contact him again. (which btw, I stopped, because I am not going to do that) But, I did leave voicemail (2) crying...before I stopped. They said if this is the choice he made, as painful as it is for me, ok... but please don't act like I don't exist here.

 

It's been nearly 6 weeks. I cry on & off all day. I know what I am & what I did. I see that he feels he can not leave his family. But, where in all of that does no one answer that phone? Where in all of that doesn't he send a note saying "Please, I have to stay with my wife. I'm sorry."

 

I'm broken. Promises from one of the lifelong friends I held more dear to me.

[TaraMaiden]

This is it.

The 'Actions speak Louder than Words' Thread.

 

He has told you everything you want to hear.

 

Without having to utter a syllable.

 

You have no idea what may be going on in his head, but one thing's for sure.

 

There's nothing to add, which could make the transition from 'OW' to "it's over, done and dusted" any easier.

 

He will never give you closure, a satisfactory response, or anything you want to hear that will make things as they have happened, any easier.

 

There is no affair, and certainly no friendship - and we would strongly wholeheartedly advise against that, anyway....

 

You have everything you need.

Anything else would be superfluous....

[Silly_Girl]

I know you're hurting, and I know how much. I've been there, very similar situation and the most enormous hug I could possibly muster is there for the taking.

 

Can I gently ask.... What do you want him to say to you if he were to get in touch? That it's over? Which it evidently is. Or that it's over but he doesn't want it to be? Which you already know but passive 'trapped' love does nuthin' for no one. Do you want the details of the He Said/She Said explaining how this has come about? Because honestly, I'm not sure that would help you in any way at all.

 

What you know is that the man has decided his limbs and his brain and mouth no longer work, where you are concerned, and you have every right to be absolutely livid. Be furious. You'd never treat anyone like that, would you?

 

It's not easy doing it this way, when we love someone we crave the contact and interaction, even if negative. But this actually *is* the best way. Time for you to focus on you, you need some self-love, topped off with a little fun. Sitting pining is not pretty and grows boring quickly. I really hope you feel much better, very soon.

[rys]

Why do we have this need/longing for the things/persons we cannot have?

 

If it has been 6 weeks, let it go. No need to wait for him to close it my dear.

[LadyLost]

Fooled. You love him. You want him to tell you he made a mistake. You want him to tell you he can't live without you. You want him to be yours. You would even rather hear he loves you, but can't leave his wife than hear nothing.

I know, I understand.

The best thing this man can do if he will not leave his wife, is leave you alone and let you heal.

 

Funny that its so clear to me what this man must do for you... But so painful to hear and understand when I know it's the best for me too.

 

You have already survived 6 weeks. You can keep going (I am coming up for the two week mark). Really.. You have no option. You are not in control for as long as you sit and wait for him to change his mind, he is.

 

Take care and look after you.

[Fannie57]

New here. Signed up because I'm in the middle of an online affair. I'm going to be in the same boat soon, as I know it's not going to be a lasting thing. I've btdt with the sudden lack of contact.

 

I get too involved too quickly. I'm the friggin' engerizer bunny, all eager and excited, and it turns men off. I'm working to be cool, but I am who I am.

 

In retrospect, I realize that as hard as it is to have contact end suddenly, it really is the best way. You've survived six weeks. Get up. Get moving. Get out and about and move on.

 

We are the sum of our experiences, and this one will make you stronger. We have the capacity to love many people over a lifetime. I can tell you this one is not worthy of you.

[TaraMaiden]

Welcome Fannie57.

 

I hope you find whatever serves you best, here with us.

[ThatJustHappened]

This is it.

The 'Actions speak Louder than Words' Thread.

 

He has told you everything you want to hear.

 

Without having to utter a syllable.

 

You have no idea what may be going on in his head, but one thing's for sure.

 

There's nothing to add, which could make the transition from 'OW' to "it's over, done and dusted" any easier.

 

He will never give you closure, a satisfactory response, or anything you want to hear that will make things as they have happened, any easier.

 

There is no affair, and certainly no friendship - and we would strongly wholeheartedly advise against that, anyway....

 

You have everything you need.

Anything else would be superfluous....

 

This. Exactly this. He can say all the pretty words he wants to say but if he's not taking action, they don't mean anything. Getting dumped is never fun but you've made it this far. You will be ok.

[fooled2manyX]

Ya know why? Because right now, I can't breath. It's hard to breath. I know you guys in good offering say "you've made it six weeks"... but really, I haven't. Those first weeks I was still under the impression he was coming back & just going through the holidays. This is harder now. I feel like I can't breath.

 

What do I need? What purpose would it serve? Because this is easier for him....and he's not here because seeing me cry like this, with my chest time would be a little hard for him. And frankly, I think he shouldn't have an easy moment of anything. I'm a person & he has carried love for me for 20 years. Even if it were no more than an old friend.

 

I want to know that he looked at me to do this. That it wasn't the easy way out for him. If he can't face me, why not send an email that it's over? I didn't even get that.

 

I know the answer seems to appear "you're not going to get it." No see, right now the way I'm feeling (crazy as it may sound) is he's not giving it. Doesn't mean I'm not going to get it. I would never go near his family or home. I'm hurt. Not crazy. But this isn't just someone I can forget.

 

Ok, so say the wife says "no contact". Doesn't that imply "tell her it's over"?? I didn't get "It's over." ughhhhh

[fooled2manyX]

I meant "with my chest tight"... I'm such a mess I can't spell.

[ThatJustHappened]

Ya know why? Because right now, I can't breath. It's hard to breath. I know you guys in good offering say "you've made it six weeks"... but really, I haven't. Those first weeks I was still under the impression he was coming back & just going through the holidays. This is harder now. I feel like I can't breath.

 

What do I need? What purpose would it serve? Because this is easier for him....and he's not here because seeing me cry like this, with my chest time would be a little hard for him. And frankly, I think he shouldn't have an easy moment of anything. I'm a person & he has carried love for me for 20 years. Even if it were no more than an old friend.

 

I want to know that he looked at me to do this. That it wasn't the easy way out for him. If he can't face me, why not send an email that it's over? I didn't even get that.

 

I know the answer seems to appear "you're not going to get it." No see, right now the way I'm feeling (crazy as it may sound) is he's not giving it. Doesn't mean I'm not going to get it. I would never go near his family or home. I'm hurt. Not crazy. But this isn't just someone I can forget.

 

Ok, so say the wife says "no contact". Doesn't that imply "tell her it's over"?? I didn't get "It's over." ughhhhh

 

No. There are no implications..NC is NC, starting immediately. I hope nobody ever cheats on you, but if they do, you'll understand. I'm not trying to be cruel when I say this, but you are not the victim here, his wife is. He is choosing to stay with her, which means that she gets (and deserves) to call the shots.

 

I'm truly sorry you're hurting, but don't wait for or expect any closure. It's only going to ruin your life even more. He made his decision, and if he's any kind of man at all, he will leave you alone and let you heal. Honestly, NC is the kindest thing he can do for you right now. What do you think you would get from a Dear Jane letter? Closure isn't external..it's completely in your head. You have to close the door, and you will when you're ready. For now, keep grieving, and find other things to distract yourself like friends or work.

[fooled2manyX]

ThatJustHappened... on one hand I agree with you for the obvious. I should have sent him away like I had in years past.. at least until he did what he had to do. I know what I did was wrong.

 

However NC is/was NOT the kindest thing he could do for me. No one should disappear on anyone. Ever.

 

And while yes, I see that his wife was a victim in all of this & has been greatly hurt, I wouldn't go discounting that I am not "a victim", I'm not trying to be one. I was still told many things, with promises and talks of marriage one day for us & a child. That after all of these years, we would be together. I may be naive for believing in it wholeheartedly, but I also believe he wants those things. Or he did when he said them. I don't in any way think he ever said them with motive.

 

I think the reality set in & the pressure and he folded. But his not saying a word is not "kind" ............and OW or not, I am NOT deserving of it.

[bentnotbroken]

OP, when someone tells you who they are believe them. He told he would cheat on his wife (by words or deeds) which many believe is an act of cowardice. If his life sucked so much why didn't he tell her and then do what he wanted?

 

He talked about creating a life and family with you while he was deceiving the one he already had. She didn't get a text, email from work, card or nothing that he was cheating on her..just his cowardice actions.

 

Just because the number rings does not mean that number still belongs to him. Counseling might help you if you are willing to work...but always listen to what people in your life are telling you about themselves.

[fooled2manyX]

FYI........... I "have" been cheated on (different relationship) and so, I do understand. It was done to me. It was the worst pain ever, until now. I admit my involvment in this was selfish. About what "I" wanted. Again, it has been a 20 yr ongoing love. That was all I saw & I was blinded by it. But it has nothing to do with me not understanding the pain it inflicts. I admit to my selfishness. So now no one else will have to point it out to me.

[fooled2manyX]

Frankly, I wrote in OW/OM forum, so I didn't come in here to be told having an affair was wrong. I know it was wrong. I was speaking about his manner of handling the ending.

[spice4life]

I meant "with my chest tight"... I'm such a mess I can't spell.

 

So sorry for your pain. I know it's hard and don't really have any advice except to keep posting your thoughts so you can process it all. It helps. You're in the deep end right now and can't see past the hurt. Unfortunately, the vanishing act happens in affairs and if you are emotionally attached, you are left wondering what happened and feel like you are left dangling in the wind hurting. The worst part is knowing there is nothing you can do because they are committed to someone else and you are left to deal with the pain and unanswered questions alone. Keep posting your thoughts because it helps to know that you are not alone that others have gone or are going through the same experience here. Getting your thoughts and feelings out here or in your own private journal helps you answer a lot of those questions swirling around you right now.

 

You sound very reasonable so you WILL make it to the other side of this; many of us have!

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you, SPICE4LIFE... I appreciate your words & support.

[HonestNeurotic]

So sorry for your pain.

 

Whether a person is in an affair or not - just disappearing with no word is an awful thing to do to someone. It's like standing someone up for a date, but worse.

 

Endings are always sad. Cuz it's ending, whether it was good or bad. Whether the affair should be okay to have or not, it is cowardly to not at least say

 

"goodbye, I cannot ever have contact with you again"

 

Something. Because otherwise - well, one person is left hanging and needs that closure, even if it's painful. In these times of anonymous emails and public computers, it's very simple to get one message through.

 

Having such a long life history of knowing this person, it wasn't just the ending of the affair that was so painful I am sure that it was the combination of "how could someone that was my friend do this to me knowing how I would feel". Hugs.

[fooled2manyX]

Wow... HonestNeorotic... you just hit the nail on the head. Above all else.. for 20 yrs, we were friends. Even when we weren't in eachother's lives. Life took it's path... we went different ways and yes, we have just disrepected the ways we went and the people we were with.

 

But... he was my friend.

 

He remembered every birthday, even those years when NO one else remembered. He did. He was there for me when my father died. He walked me to the top of the Lincolm memorial and told me not to turn around until I got to the top. He held my hand when I was once in an ER and he kept telling me everything was going to be ok.

 

I'm broken right now without him and for me to exhale..... I need my friend to say something. That is all. I expressed that in the voicemaill I left. So, I feel ignored and more than anything, it's who is he to me. What I have to say goodbye to.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm only on like day 9 of not hearing from my (nowX?) MM. But, i've also made no contact either. Turns out, I was never strong enough to do it myself, so this is making it the easiest way to try and let it go. Unfortunately, I work with mine so I have to see him in random moments when I turn a corner. Ugh. But, no answer is your answer. And it's gut-wrenching. But, like everyone has said.... it does get easier. Even after only a few days. At least I'm hoping that's true. Because, what else can we do?

 

"It was terrible and awful when someone left you. You could move on, do the best you could, but an ending was an ending. No matter how many pages of sentences and paragraphs of great stories led up to it, it would always have the last word." -Sarah Dessen

[jwi71]

Wow... HonestNeorotic... you just hit the nail on the head. Above all else.. for 20 yrs, we were friends. Even when we weren't in eachother's lives. Life took it's path... we went different ways and yes, we have just disrepected the ways we went and the people we were with.

 

But... he was my friend.

 

He remembered every birthday, even those years when NO one else remembered. He did. He was there for me when my father died. He walked me to the top of the Lincolm memorial and told me not to turn around until I got to the top. He held my hand when I was once in an ER and he kept telling me everything was going to be ok.

 

I'm broken right now without him and for me to exhale..... I need my friend to say something. That is all. I expressed that in the voicemaill I left. So, I feel ignored and more than anything, it's who is he to me. What I have to say goodbye to.

 

You won't hear or believe this now but he's not your friend.

 

He's a MM who, when it came time to decide, decided that he was willing to sacrifice your friendship for an A. Its especially egregious if he NEVER intended on leaving to begin with.

 

Let's face it...he knows how to reach you and after twenty years, knows how his silence will hurt. And chooses it anyway.

 

Your friend? Not from my view... that went away when you each decided to enter an A (And yes, you ceased to be his friend too - you became his OW).

 

Why this silence? He chooses it. Something to him is more important than contacting you (and thusly continuing the A). I'm sorry it hurts but, based on his actions as you describe, its true.

 

Healing will take time. I would try and prevent him from contacting you (go NC) as hard as that sounds. I'd read through theses stories - I bet you find many parallels.

[thomasb]

His cowardly act was not going no contact with you! It was cheating in the first place. Cutting off contact was finally standing up and being a decent, moral man, instead of a lying, immoral cheat. Whether you know that now or not, it is the best thing he could do for you both. Now you have a chance at living an authentic life with a man who doesn't put you in a place second to anyone. Which is exactly what he promised his wife.

[ThatJustHappened]

ThatJustHappened... on one hand I agree with you for the obvious. I should have sent him away like I had in years past.. at least until he did what he had to do. I know what I did was wrong.

 

However NC is/was NOT the kindest thing he could do for me. No one should disappear on anyone. Ever.

 

And while yes, I see that his wife was a victim in all of this & has been greatly hurt, I wouldn't go discounting that I am not "a victim", I'm not trying to be one. I was still told many things, with promises and talks of marriage one day for us & a child. That after all of these years, we would be together. I may be naive for believing in it wholeheartedly, but I also believe he wants those things. Or he did when he said them. I don't in any way think he ever said them with motive.

 

I think the reality set in & the pressure and he folded. But his not saying a word is not "kind" ............and OW or not, I am NOT deserving of it.

 

You chose to knowingly get involved with a married man. You were never a victim, you were a volunteer.

 

If he wanted those things, he would leave his wife. I'm sure he didn't set out to hurt you, but the fact is, he is hurting you, and he's doing it willingly. If he wanted to contact you, he would find a way. There are too many methods of communication in this day and age for him not to be able to find a way. He is choosing to ignore you and cut you off without a word.

 

I never said you deserved anything. I don't think anyone deserves that kind of treatment. I've never been an OW but I've certainly been ignored and neglected and it's even more painful than anger or hatred. I'm just saying that you made certain decisions, and now you're paying for them and so is his wife. The difference is that she did not have a choice and you did. That makes her the victim here, not you.

 

Again, I'm sorry you're hurting..but hearing from him would not be helpful right now. You're not going to feel any sort of closure or peace from an email. It would only lead you down a darker path.

[tryingto]

I am so sorry you're hurting...I am in a very similar situation with exMM. My exMM promised me the moon and stars, told me he "never knew what love was before me" and we were going to be together. After a couple of delays of his moving out of the family home (excuses, now I see), he disappeared approx. 6 weeks ago also. The only thing I've heard from him since was random "Hi. I hope you are well text" on New Year's Day and no communication after that. There was no D-day, so I can only imagine he realized he wasn't leaving his wife and he didn't have the courage to just tell me that or possibly he met another OW?

 

Regardless of the reason, I was naive and silly to expect that he could be honest about the status of my relationship with him, when the last several years he was actively dishonest with his wife about the status of their relationship. As I see now, he is a coward who hates the possibility of confrontation/conflict. I can only assume that it's for similar reasons as to why you haven't heard from your MM because if your MM (like mine) wanted to be in touch, he would be...

 

I agree that being cut out of someone's life (who you thought cared about you/loved you) without explanation and then ignored is extremely hurtful. In my opinion, it is cruel and makes it seem like you truly never meant anything of value to that person. At this point, I have realized there is nothing my exMM could say that would justify his extremely hurtful actions (or non-action) of the last several weeks and I would suspect and hope you will get to that point as well.

 

I know my actions of being with him were wrong and I sincerely regret ever becoming involved with him. The last six weeks have been the most painful I have ever experienced and now I am trying to let go, move forward and provide myself the gift of "closure". I sincerely hope you are able to find closure also.

[switchblue97525]

I feel for you. I'm just coming up for air after NC with "my" MM for 2 months. I'm starting to feel more at peace, and I still work two doors down from the man. So there is hope. You will get better, I promise.

 

My MM and I - we had spent a year building this intense emotional intimacy, working together 9 hours a day, we knew each others' secrets, etc. But it ended much like your story did - suddenly, painfully and with NC. And in your case, it sounds like he did so much more to create expectations, and that must make it all the worse.

 

For me, it really helped to realize that what I was grieving most for was my lost dream. It was overwhelming to grieve the loss of the intimacy, but it took longer to let go of the dream. I kept spinning on whether he would change his mind, that this was some kind of test, or fantasizing that at least he would say something to validate all this pain I was left with. But he didn't. And he never will. NC means "it's over". Actions speak louder than words, always. There isn't a thing he can say to you that will make this better, and he knows it.

 

Don't waste your time or your heart grieving over someone who didn't choose you. He got close to you, and then abandoned you. He may not have meant to cause damage, and you may not have meant to become damaged, but damaged you are, nonetheless. He did not choose to be with you.

 

I found these thoughts helpful in letting go:

- He is not in nearly the pain you are (he's got his wife), so if you're envisioning that he's pining somewhere hoping you'll rescue him - stop. You're fooling yourself, and you can't afford to anymore.

- If he wanted to talk to you, he would. And why should you pine over someone who doesn't even want to talk to you?

- His NC with you = his relationship with you was not worth his marriage. There is nothing else to understand.

- There is someone out there much better for you, who WILL choose you and IS available to be with you. Why settle for this crap?

- You will feel better. This is not all there is.

 

Also - there are some wonderful books by Mira Kirshenbaum you might look into, that talk about affairs from all angles, in a very loving, non-judgmental way.

 

Peace, and good luck to you.